Husband annoyed at taking his injured daughter to urgent care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

Doing yard work is a once a week thing. Paying bills is monthly. Childcare is around the clock every day. I guess I can see a scenario where the dad does everything except childcare (like cooks, cleans, laundry) and that is an even split of labor. But not sure that is the case. And it also would be bizarre if a parent literally could not be counted on to do any childcare. You can’t take the kid to the dentist one time? Do the camp forms? Do bedtime?

This is mostly for very young kids. At a certain age kids put themselves to bed and the demands lessen as kids go to school full time. This is the mindset of someone at the peak of it. It gets better, the demands change.

Yeah I’m sure that’s what men want to believe: the fact that things got easier later on excuses my lack of effort when things were harder.

+1
Yeah, just to review this is a thread about a man who threw a tantrum about taking his 6 yo to urgent care while his SAHM wife who cares for the 6yo and the toddler 24/7 stayed home to put the toddler to bed. And fyi nursing until age 2 is currently recommended (of both child and mother want to) so stop acting like this is some weird fringe thing don't get to bash a woman for literally following medical advice, even if you don't agree with it.

Op is having the tantrum. Two year olds don’t need breastfed. She’d rather post here than take her child to the doctor.

And then her husband would have lost his shit because the toddler wouldn't have gone to bed well due to the upset of the situation.

Then take both kids with you.

I mean the last time I took my kid to the ER around bedtime we didn't leave until 2 AM. Keeping a toddler up late because Dad can't be bothered to be a Dad? Throw the whole man in the trash.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, despite what many of you are implying, OP cannot force her DH to change his behavior. She has tried (read her OP again, for those of you insisting she has done nothing) and can continue to try more forcefully, but the only person who can change the DH's behavior is the DH. Even divorce would only change their living situation and not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

[Anonymous]

I could never tolerate such immature, selfish behavior when a child has a problem. God awful role model for coping with life.

I suggest he try anger management counseling.

I probably could not stay with someone like this if he did not make a conscientious effort to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could never tolerate such immature, selfish behavior when a child has a problem. God awful role model for coping with life.

I suggest he try anger management counseling.

I probably could not stay with someone like this if he did not make a conscientious effort to change.

Divorce would only change their living situation and not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, despite what many of you are implying, OP cannot force her DH to change his behavior. She has tried (read her OP again, for those of you insisting she has done nothing) and can continue to try more forcefully, but the only person who can change the DH's behavior is the DH. Even divorce would only change their living situation and not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

This.

NO more kids, OP. Resurrect your career and earning potential. Try to avoid conflict and ride it out until kids are more self sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP.

Your husband brought children into this world but seems to have not taken into account the simple fact that once he became a parent….his children and their needs now take full precedence over him for the next 18+ years.
That is life.

He sounds very immature, highly selfish as well as just plain cruel.
How dare he act in this way around young, impressionable children??! 😠

You need to discuss all of this w/him and tell him that you can no longer subject the kids to his bad behavior.
It will harm their self-esteem to the core OP I promise you this.

If he elects to continue to put his needs first then you should leave him.
Make sure to document his behavior and keep any ➕ all physical evidence of it if you can because I would not think it would be in your children’s best interest for him to have visitation privileges if you two end up divorcing.

Please protect your children from their father’s harmful actions.

A judge will give him 50% time. Are you insane?

[Anonymous]

It's me again, the poster w/ the opinion that MAYBE 20% of men are suited for modern parenting, and this is Exhibit A-Z why I believe that.

OP, your husband is emotionally immature. Yeah, maybe he's stressed out in these situations, anyone would be stressed out. But HE'S TAKING IT OUT ON THE KIDS. He is literally exploding on your toddler and first grader because they had medical issues. What a prick.

I'd tell him that what he's doing is 100% unacceptable, no excuses, and that he needs to get into therapy before he ruins everyone's mental health. Can you imagine how your 6 year old felt going to urgent care in the middle of the night with an angry person like that, much less her parent who is supposed to be her advocate and caregiver.

I hope you have birth control sorted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

DP
My DH felt like he was doing so so much by cooking dinner every night when DD was a newborn and expected constant gratitude from me. He just didn't notice that I had DD physically attached to me for 12 hours a day and never once cleaned our small apartment.

If PP's DH is doing drop off and pickup AND cleaning the house AND cooking AND he also does fun things with them on weekends then I can see that being reasonably equitable. That is a lot and that DH is also doing a fair amount of child related stuff. Having one parent do absolutely nothing child related with 2 young children is not going to be remotely equitable because parenting young children is relentless work.

This is why I didn’t go back to work. I knew my husband wasn’t going to do 50/50 and I’d be a sucker working and doing all the rearing. So I quit and it’s worked for us for 18 years.

You quit your job because your husband doesn't value you... Glad that worked for you I guess.

But you don’t see me whining to strangers on the internet that my husband is pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

DP
My DH felt like he was doing so so much by cooking dinner every night when DD was a newborn and expected constant gratitude from me. He just didn't notice that I had DD physically attached to me for 12 hours a day and never once cleaned our small apartment.

If PP's DH is doing drop off and pickup AND cleaning the house AND cooking AND he also does fun things with them on weekends then I can see that being reasonably equitable. That is a lot and that DH is also doing a fair amount of child related stuff. Having one parent do absolutely nothing child related with 2 young children is not going to be remotely equitable because parenting young children is relentless work.

This is why I didn’t go back to work. I knew my husband wasn’t going to do 50/50 and I’d be a sucker working and doing all the rearing. So I quit and it’s worked for us for 18 years.

You quit your job because your husband doesn't value you... Glad that worked for you I guess.

But you don’t see me whining to strangers on the internet that my husband is pathetic.

Lady you sound much more angry and unhinged than OP does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

DP
My DH felt like he was doing so so much by cooking dinner every night when DD was a newborn and expected constant gratitude from me. He just didn't notice that I had DD physically attached to me for 12 hours a day and never once cleaned our small apartment.

If PP's DH is doing drop off and pickup AND cleaning the house AND cooking AND he also does fun things with them on weekends then I can see that being reasonably equitable. That is a lot and that DH is also doing a fair amount of child related stuff. Having one parent do absolutely nothing child related with 2 young children is not going to be remotely equitable because parenting young children is relentless work.

This is why I didn’t go back to work. I knew my husband wasn’t going to do 50/50 and I’d be a sucker working and doing all the rearing. So I quit and it’s worked for us for 18 years.

You quit your job because your husband doesn't value you... Glad that worked for you I guess.

But you don’t see me whining to strangers on the internet that my husband is pathetic.

Actually you are worse. You are here bragging about how pathetic you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

DP
My DH felt like he was doing so so much by cooking dinner every night when DD was a newborn and expected constant gratitude from me. He just didn't notice that I had DD physically attached to me for 12 hours a day and never once cleaned our small apartment.

If PP's DH is doing drop off and pickup AND cleaning the house AND cooking AND he also does fun things with them on weekends then I can see that being reasonably equitable. That is a lot and that DH is also doing a fair amount of child related stuff. Having one parent do absolutely nothing child related with 2 young children is not going to be remotely equitable because parenting young children is relentless work.

This is why I didn’t go back to work. I knew my husband wasn’t going to do 50/50 and I’d be a sucker working and doing all the rearing. So I quit and it’s worked for us for 18 years.

You quit your job because your husband doesn't value you... Glad that worked for you I guess.

But you don’t see me whining to strangers on the internet that my husband is pathetic.

Actually you are worse. You are here bragging about how pathetic you are.

Enjoy doing more than your husband and being resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the helpful replies. To clarify I am a SAHM, we have two kids. I should have added it was the toddler’s bedtime when they left for urgent care and I’m always the one to put him to bed and I nurse him before he goes down. If I’m not there, he won’t go to sleep until I come home, so I thought it would be more stressful on my husband to stay with the crying, not-sleeping toddler than take my daughter to urgent care. Yes, I am working on weaning my toddler so bedtime can be done by anyone, we just haven’t quite gotten there yet.

I’m regards to the nosebleed, I was the one to get up with him when it happened but this one was worse than usual and I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop and the toddler was scared and crying loudly, and that woke my DH up when he came storming in angry that he had been woken up, instead of being supportive or caring. I am always the one to wake up with the kids at night for whatever reason. I am the default parent in all medical stuff, bedtime waking, discipline (bc misbehaving stresses DH out), and I generally keep the peace at home and try to keep everything low stress. But I resent that I can’t even lean on DH in an emergency, or to just provide basic parental care when it’s needed without worrying about how he’ll react.

Also DH works from home at a cushy low-stress well-paying job so I can’t blame work stress. We have some other stressors going on in our lives right now but they are affecting us equally and I’m managing not to lash out at the kids.

You've created a not great dynamic in your house. I'm not excusing your husband's behavior because yelling at a toddler (how old are we talking?) about something they can't control isn't ok, but it seems like you're one of those who has set themselves up as the everything parent and your husband isn't prepared to step into a parenting role. I'm not saying that's your fault, but I do think you need to be acutely aware of this situation because expecting him to handle things when he never handles things isn't going to work. It's one reason why my husband has done everything I've done for our kids for the last 12 years, minus breastfeeding (but he fed them bottles so we each fed them half the time except once he went back to work and I was still on maternity leave although then he still fed them when he was home). There's nothing one of us can do that the other can't. That's not your setup so you may need to make some changes if you want your husband to be a parent.

Is it also OP’s fault that he is unable to follow medical advice and take their daughter to the doctor? Is it also OP’s fault that he yells at a sick toddler?

It’s amazing how this single detail is seized on to blame OP for ALL of her DH’s poor behavior.

Ok, feel free to rage against all the posts suggesting that OP realize her potential role in the current situation rather than taking the piece of advice which is that OP has a role in what is going on. You can define that role however you want - is she a totally controlling mommy martyr who never let her husband do anything with the kids but now wants his help? Is she someone who married a guy who said he wanted to be super involved with his kids and it turned out to be a lie and she constantly begs him for help and he ignores her? Is it something in between? We don't know, but I think acting like OP is purely a victim and has no role in her life and no say on the future isn't helpful.

Sure, sure, if only she had magically done something else, he would be patient and kind.

Ok. So what’s your advice for OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, despite what many of you are implying, OP cannot force her DH to change his behavior. She has tried (read her OP again, for those of you insisting she has done nothing) and can continue to try more forcefully, but the only person who can change the DH's behavior is the DH. Even divorce would only change their living situation and not necessarily in a way that benefits the children or protects them.

So what’s your solution?

[Anonymous]

OP your kids are 5 years apart, is that correct? Was your husband like this with the first child or has it only happened in the last year that you’ve had two?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's me again, the poster w/ the opinion that MAYBE 20% of men are suited for modern parenting.

How in your personal experience, do the women considering marrying men and having children- the daughters, nieces, acquaintances - respond when you give them this reality?

“4 in 5 chance your husband will not father your child”

What is the common response?