When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing when many posters here are telling you their own personal experiences with these things in childhood and all of you are STILL so focused on how horrible the cheater is that you are denying the real life experiences of the kids here who's opinions don't align with your self image. And so you think we've been brainwashed or something.

This is how your kids feel too I imagine. Real life is what you make it into, and real humans are flawed and complex and not universally good or bad.

Shrug. I believe real life over DCUM. God knows a lot of DCUM is not something to aspire to. I’m not going to change my opinion of how cheaters are bad parents when I’ve only ever seen that in real life, no matter what a few self-delusional DCUM posters say.

If I suddenly start encountering cheater parents in real life who are good, thoughtful parents, I will update my base assumptions. Hasn’t happened yet, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing when many posters here are telling you their own personal experiences with these things in childhood and all of you are STILL so focused on how horrible the cheater is that you are denying the real life experiences of the kids here who's opinions don't align with your self image. And so you think we've been brainwashed or something.

This is how your kids feel too I imagine. Real life is what you make it into, and real humans are flawed and complex and not universally good or bad.

Shrug. I believe real life over DCUM. God knows a lot of DCUM is not something to aspire to. I’m not going to change my opinion of how cheaters are bad parents when I’ve only ever seen that in real life, no matter what a few self-delusional DCUM posters say.

If I suddenly start encountering cheater parents in real life who are good, thoughtful parents, I will update my base assumptions. Hasn’t happened yet, though.

Again, everything is about what you think about the adults, not about how the adults are affecting the kids.

Let me ask the posters like you a provocative question that I think gets to the meat of what the rest of us think.

Do you think there is a 'correct' path for a child to follow when informed of an affair? Will the child's choices after being informed impact your relationship with the child? Will you be ok if the child continues to have a fairly normal not conflicted relationship with the cheating parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing when many posters here are telling you their own personal experiences with these things in childhood and all of you are STILL so focused on how horrible the cheater is that you are denying the real life experiences of the kids here who's opinions don't align with your self image. And so you think we've been brainwashed or something.

This is how your kids feel too I imagine. Real life is what you make it into, and real humans are flawed and complex and not universally good or bad.

During my divorce, I had to meet with this woman who worked in this hole in the wall title shop to get the documents signed. The documents were the wrong size and barely legible. Of course it was the person who emailed them's fault and not hers printing them out even though she had over a week to print them. She didn't do anything right and had to even reprint documents while I was there and my final copy was just handed to me and not put in one of those nice labeled folders that most of these documents go in. I had to do all the work for her to get the documents prepared. She worked for herself and her husband and had no kids. When I explained about the marriage issues as we were signing documents she went on to say that her dad was physically abusive, left the family and was an alcoholic but he always told good stories and bought her presents and how important it was that he loved her and how happy she was that her mom allowed her to see him. This is the type of person I have seen express this desire to always show the mentally deviant parent in a good life. She can't work with anyone because she can't see her own flaws and makes excuses for them or blames others and thinks love is making someone feel good at all costs. She obviously has the genetic inheritance of a cheater so not really surprised that she doesn't see the issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing when many posters here are telling you their own personal experiences with these things in childhood and all of you are STILL so focused on how horrible the cheater is that you are denying the real life experiences of the kids here who's opinions don't align with your self image. And so you think we've been brainwashed or something.

This is how your kids feel too I imagine. Real life is what you make it into, and real humans are flawed and complex and not universally good or bad.

During my divorce, I had to meet with this woman who worked in this hole in the wall title shop to get the documents signed. The documents were the wrong size and barely legible. Of course it was the person who emailed them's fault and not hers printing them out even though she had over a week to print them. She didn't do anything right and had to even reprint documents while I was there and my final copy was just handed to me and not put in one of those nice labeled folders that most of these documents go in. I had to do all the work for her to get the documents prepared. She worked for herself and her husband and had no kids. When I explained about the marriage issues as we were signing documents she went on to say that her dad was physically abusive, left the family and was an alcoholic but he always told good stories and bought her presents and how important it was that he loved her and how happy she was that her mom allowed her to see him. This is the type of person I have seen express this desire to always show the mentally deviant parent in a good life. She can't work with anyone because she can't see her own flaws and makes excuses for them or blames others and thinks love is making someone feel good at all costs. She obviously has the genetic inheritance of a cheater so not really surprised that she doesn't see the issues.

Forgot also that she had been divorced before so while finally achieving love I guess by mid-life, it was pretty clear it took a long time for her to get there. Also instead of the nice folder I was hoping to have to organize the documents she gave me a bottle of wine which I didn't need and was a strange gift from the daughter of an alcoholic. Apple doesn't fall far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing when many posters here are telling you their own personal experiences with these things in childhood and all of you are STILL so focused on how horrible the cheater is that you are denying the real life experiences of the kids here who's opinions don't align with your self image. And so you think we've been brainwashed or something.

This is how your kids feel too I imagine. Real life is what you make it into, and real humans are flawed and complex and not universally good or bad.

Shrug. I believe real life over DCUM. God knows a lot of DCUM is not something to aspire to. I’m not going to change my opinion of how cheaters are bad parents when I’ve only ever seen that in real life, no matter what a few self-delusional DCUM posters say.

If I suddenly start encountering cheater parents in real life who are good, thoughtful parents, I will update my base assumptions. Hasn’t happened yet, though.

Again, everything is about what you think about the adults, not about how the adults are affecting the kids.

Let me ask the posters like you a provocative question that I think gets to the meat of what the rest of us think.

Do you think there is a 'correct' path for a child to follow when informed of an affair? Will the child's choices after being informed impact your relationship with the child? Will you be ok if the child continues to have a fairly normal not conflicted relationship with the cheating parent?

I’d never judge a child for what they choose to do. Plenty of kids choose to align themselves with terrible parents, for complex reasons. They only deserve compassion and support for that, even as adults.

And of course my assessment that cheaters are bad parents is about the adults, because I am evaluating the adults. That seems like basic logic to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing when many posters here are telling you their own personal experiences with these things in childhood and all of you are STILL so focused on how horrible the cheater is that you are denying the real life experiences of the kids here who's opinions don't align with your self image. And so you think we've been brainwashed or something.

This is how your kids feel too I imagine. Real life is what you make it into, and real humans are flawed and complex and not universally good or bad.

During my divorce, I had to meet with this woman who worked in this hole in the wall title shop to get the documents signed. The documents were the wrong size and barely legible. Of course it was the person who emailed them's fault and not hers printing them out even though she had over a week to print them. She didn't do anything right and had to even reprint documents while I was there and my final copy was just handed to me and not put in one of those nice labeled folders that most of these documents go in. I had to do all the work for her to get the documents prepared. She worked for herself and her husband and had no kids. When I explained about the marriage issues as we were signing documents she went on to say that her dad was physically abusive, left the family and was an alcoholic but he always told good stories and bought her presents and how important it was that he loved her and how happy she was that her mom allowed her to see him. This is the type of person I have seen express this desire to always show the mentally deviant parent in a good life. She can't work with anyone because she can't see her own flaws and makes excuses for them or blames others and thinks love is making someone feel good at all costs. She obviously has the genetic inheritance of a cheater so not really surprised that she doesn't see the issues.

WOW there is a lot to unpack there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing when many posters here are telling you their own personal experiences with these things in childhood and all of you are STILL so focused on how horrible the cheater is that you are denying the real life experiences of the kids here who's opinions don't align with your self image. And so you think we've been brainwashed or something.

This is how your kids feel too I imagine. Real life is what you make it into, and real humans are flawed and complex and not universally good or bad.

Shrug. I believe real life over DCUM. God knows a lot of DCUM is not something to aspire to. I’m not going to change my opinion of how cheaters are bad parents when I’ve only ever seen that in real life, no matter what a few self-delusional DCUM posters say.

If I suddenly start encountering cheater parents in real life who are good, thoughtful parents, I will update my base assumptions. Hasn’t happened yet, though.

Again, everything is about what you think about the adults, not about how the adults are affecting the kids.

Let me ask the posters like you a provocative question that I think gets to the meat of what the rest of us think.

Do you think there is a 'correct' path for a child to follow when informed of an affair? Will the child's choices after being informed impact your relationship with the child? Will you be ok if the child continues to have a fairly normal not conflicted relationship with the cheating parent?

I’d never judge a child for what they choose to do. Plenty of kids choose to align themselves with terrible parents, for complex reasons. They only deserve compassion and support for that, even as adults.

And of course my assessment that cheaters are bad parents is about the adults, because I am evaluating the adults. That seems like basic logic to me.

Yeah but the question at hand is NOT "are cheaters bad parents or bad people" the question is how you help a child navigate this situation. And anchoring that in the adult experience is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing when many posters here are telling you their own personal experiences with these things in childhood and all of you are STILL so focused on how horrible the cheater is that you are denying the real life experiences of the kids here who's opinions don't align with your self image. And so you think we've been brainwashed or something.

This is how your kids feel too I imagine. Real life is what you make it into, and real humans are flawed and complex and not universally good or bad.

Shrug. I believe real life over DCUM. God knows a lot of DCUM is not something to aspire to. I’m not going to change my opinion of how cheaters are bad parents when I’ve only ever seen that in real life, no matter what a few self-delusional DCUM posters say.

If I suddenly start encountering cheater parents in real life who are good, thoughtful parents, I will update my base assumptions. Hasn’t happened yet, though.

Again, everything is about what you think about the adults, not about how the adults are affecting the kids.

Let me ask the posters like you a provocative question that I think gets to the meat of what the rest of us think.

Do you think there is a 'correct' path for a child to follow when informed of an affair? Will the child's choices after being informed impact your relationship with the child? Will you be ok if the child continues to have a fairly normal not conflicted relationship with the cheating parent?

I’d never judge a child for what they choose to do. Plenty of kids choose to align themselves with terrible parents, for complex reasons. They only deserve compassion and support for that, even as adults.

And of course my assessment that cheaters are bad parents is about the adults, because I am evaluating the adults. That seems like basic logic to me.

Yeah but the question at hand is NOT "are cheaters bad parents or bad people" the question is how you help a child navigate this situation. And anchoring that in the adult experience is wrong.

I have seen some truly awful parents...neglect, serial cheating, alcoholism, etc. The kids themselves will see what they see. The 'decent' parent is left to manage the damage. In my FIL's case, MIL did not protect the kids and pretty much went off and did her thing checked out herself. She remained in denial and wouldn't talk at all about what went on in that house when they were kids (even now with her kids in their 50s--FIL is dead) and the kids have many questions and many are messed up to this day from that. She sugarcoats the past. One Thanksgiving when I first was dating my husband, his dad was there--living with her again and they were playing happy family. This was my first introduction so I thought everything was normal. It was only later I found out my husband also had no clue WTF was up, his parents hadn't lived together or really spoken since he was 7...then a few years down the road 'he was thrown out' yet zero discussion of that....just when asked, sibling told him he's not living there anymore. Fast forward to our wedding, when I still didn't know the history (because frankly I don't think my husband did either) a bunch of his mother's friends were pissed with the seating chart at our wedding because they were near his dad (who brought a date and now wasn't talking to his mom)... AGAIN NOBODY told the kids and no explanations were given.

Family secrets and gaslighting your own kids is awful...and my husband came out of it that both parents were pretty shitty. His mother less so, but he felt abandoned that she gave up on them and never told them the truth about questions they had that they were a little too young to understand. All kids are finally in therapy in middle age. They try to piece events together because mom still refuses to talk about anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing when many posters here are telling you their own personal experiences with these things in childhood and all of you are STILL so focused on how horrible the cheater is that you are denying the real life experiences of the kids here who's opinions don't align with your self image. And so you think we've been brainwashed or something.

This is how your kids feel too I imagine. Real life is what you make it into, and real humans are flawed and complex and not universally good or bad.

Shrug. I believe real life over DCUM. God knows a lot of DCUM is not something to aspire to. I’m not going to change my opinion of how cheaters are bad parents when I’ve only ever seen that in real life, no matter what a few self-delusional DCUM posters say.

If I suddenly start encountering cheater parents in real life who are good, thoughtful parents, I will update my base assumptions. Hasn’t happened yet, though.

Again, everything is about what you think about the adults, not about how the adults are affecting the kids.

Let me ask the posters like you a provocative question that I think gets to the meat of what the rest of us think.

Do you think there is a 'correct' path for a child to follow when informed of an affair? Will the child's choices after being informed impact your relationship with the child? Will you be ok if the child continues to have a fairly normal not conflicted relationship with the cheating parent?

I’d never judge a child for what they choose to do. Plenty of kids choose to align themselves with terrible parents, for complex reasons. They only deserve compassion and support for that, even as adults.

And of course my assessment that cheaters are bad parents is about the adults, because I am evaluating the adults. That seems like basic logic to me.

Yeah but the question at hand is NOT "are cheaters bad parents or bad people" the question is how you help a child navigate this situation. And anchoring that in the adult experience is wrong.

I have seen some truly awful parents...neglect, serial cheating, alcoholism, etc. The kids themselves will see what they see. The 'decent' parent is left to manage the damage. In my FIL's case, MIL did not protect the kids and pretty much went off and did her thing checked out herself. She remained in denial and wouldn't talk at all about what went on in that house when they were kids (even now with her kids in their 50s--FIL is dead) and the kids have many questions and many are messed up to this day from that. She sugarcoats the past. One Thanksgiving when I first was dating my husband, his dad was there--living with her again and they were playing happy family. This was my first introduction so I thought everything was normal. It was only later I found out my husband also had no clue WTF was up, his parents hadn't lived together or really spoken since he was 7...then a few years down the road 'he was thrown out' yet zero discussion of that....just when asked, sibling told him he's not living there anymore. Fast forward to our wedding, when I still didn't know the history (because frankly I don't think my husband did either) a bunch of his mother's friends were pissed with the seating chart at our wedding because they were near his dad (who brought a date and now wasn't talking to his mom)... AGAIN NOBODY told the kids and no explanations were given.

Family secrets and gaslighting your own kids is awful...and my husband came out of it that both parents were pretty shitty. His mother less so, but he felt abandoned that she gave up on them and never told them the truth about questions they had that they were a little too young to understand. All kids are finally in therapy in middle age. They try to piece events together because mom still refuses to talk about anything.

And there are several other posters here who had the opposite experience, and they still thought both parents were pretty shitty... So the truth/lack of truth is not necessarily the problem here. It seems to be the maturity level of the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing when many posters here are telling you their own personal experiences with these things in childhood and all of you are STILL so focused on how horrible the cheater is that you are denying the real life experiences of the kids here who's opinions don't align with your self image. And so you think we've been brainwashed or something.

This is how your kids feel too I imagine. Real life is what you make it into, and real humans are flawed and complex and not universally good or bad.

Shrug. I believe real life over DCUM. God knows a lot of DCUM is not something to aspire to. I’m not going to change my opinion of how cheaters are bad parents when I’ve only ever seen that in real life, no matter what a few self-delusional DCUM posters say.

If I suddenly start encountering cheater parents in real life who are good, thoughtful parents, I will update my base assumptions. Hasn’t happened yet, though.

Again, everything is about what you think about the adults, not about how the adults are affecting the kids.

Let me ask the posters like you a provocative question that I think gets to the meat of what the rest of us think.

Do you think there is a 'correct' path for a child to follow when informed of an affair? Will the child's choices after being informed impact your relationship with the child? Will you be ok if the child continues to have a fairly normal not conflicted relationship with the cheating parent?

I’d never judge a child for what they choose to do. Plenty of kids choose to align themselves with terrible parents, for complex reasons. They only deserve compassion and support for that, even as adults.

And of course my assessment that cheaters are bad parents is about the adults, because I am evaluating the adults. That seems like basic logic to me.

DP.

We are focusing on the well being of the children. Why are you evaluating the adults?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing when many posters here are telling you their own personal experiences with these things in childhood and all of you are STILL so focused on how horrible the cheater is that you are denying the real life experiences of the kids here who's opinions don't align with your self image. And so you think we've been brainwashed or something.

This is how your kids feel too I imagine. Real life is what you make it into, and real humans are flawed and complex and not universally good or bad.

Shrug. I believe real life over DCUM. God knows a lot of DCUM is not something to aspire to. I’m not going to change my opinion of how cheaters are bad parents when I’ve only ever seen that in real life, no matter what a few self-delusional DCUM posters say.

If I suddenly start encountering cheater parents in real life who are good, thoughtful parents, I will update my base assumptions. Hasn’t happened yet, though.

Again, everything is about what you think about the adults, not about how the adults are affecting the kids.

Let me ask the posters like you a provocative question that I think gets to the meat of what the rest of us think.

Do you think there is a 'correct' path for a child to follow when informed of an affair? Will the child's choices after being informed impact your relationship with the child? Will you be ok if the child continues to have a fairly normal not conflicted relationship with the cheating parent?

I’d never judge a child for what they choose to do. Plenty of kids choose to align themselves with terrible parents, for complex reasons. They only deserve compassion and support for that, even as adults.

And of course my assessment that cheaters are bad parents is about the adults, because I am evaluating the adults. That seems like basic logic to me.

DP.

We are focusing on the well being of the children. Why are you evaluating the adults?

Because I am highly skeptical that any cheater is actually capable of thinking of the wellbeing of the children. It is too much cognitive dissonance to ask me to believe that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster whose DH learned about his father’s affair from a middle school bully in the middle of the cafeteria. I have a question for those of you who believe in not telling kids: do you think how he learned (which was painful and traumatic) is preferable to a quiet conversation with a loving parent?? I cannot understand that world view whatsoever. It seems phenomenally cruel.

The pp who did it at the psychologist did the right thing.

Loving parent or not, it's difficult to have a "quiet' conversation when you are angry, hurt , betrayed and bitter( and rightfully so if your spouse cheated on you and destroyed your mutual vision for the family).

And people really overlook the selfishness of cheaters. While the non- cheating spouse is telling the child what happened, the cheater will tell a very different story to defend themselves. If they are capable of cheating and all the lying and gaslighting thst comes with it, they are more than capable of trying to defend themselves to the children. This too will be cruel and confusing to the child.

With both parents and a professional present, an appropriate conversation is more likely to happen.

Sure, tell them with a psychologist, but you are still recommending telling them. What I am wondering about is the view of the people in favor of hiding affairs. Do those people think it is better to learn about cheating from a middle school bully or proactively from parents or in a therapist’s office? Because my impression of the “never tell” people is that they actually think it’s better for a child to learn from his middle school bully than to hear it proactively, which I find astonishing.

I think you are misunderstanding their opinion. They are not necessarily in favor of hiding affairs. They think that the chances of messing up in the process of telling the kids is much higher than the chances of the kid being messed up by finding out elsewhere.

You might disagree with their assessment, but claiming that they are in favor of hiding affairs is an misunderstanding of their position.

I don' t tell my kids about my sex life with their dad. It dies not mean that DH and I are hiding our sex lives. It's just not an appropriate conversation to have with them.

Okay, but that still doesn’t answer my question, which I think the pro-not-telling contingent is avoiding at this point: for those of you who do not think that children should be proactively told about the truth of parental affairs: do you think that it was better for my DH to learn about his father’s affair from a bully in the middle school cafeteria as opposed to proactively learning the truth from his parents or in a therapist’s office?

Because my impression from the not-telling posters is that hiding the affair — and I’m really not sure what else it is if you are not telling the kids what happened — is more important than protecting the kids from learning about the truth of the affair in ways like my DH did. I find that viewpoint unfathomable. I cannot imagine, seeing the fallout my DH went through, leaving a child unprotected that way. It is incomprehensible to me.

I have specifically said if you feel like there is a more than likely scenario where a kid will be told in an environment like school (because of the players involved or the scope of people in the middle of the conflict) then you should find a healthy and safe way to proactively tell them, with the help of a therapist and if possible the cheating spouse telling them not the other spouse because then it becomes about the cheating spouse confessing to the kid what they did and it is between the two of them. It doesn't place the kid in a position of choosing sides in a conflict, it becomes a conflict between the kid and the cheating spouse directly. But if the middle school bully knows then one or both parents are running their mouths, and THAT is not what any of us are suggesting. Don't tell your kid but do spread it all over town is not what anyone is advocating. The parents know if it is OUT THERE or not, or they should.

But I would also challenge you and your DH to think more critically about what happened to him. Because what most people are saying is that you should tell your kids what they need to know in a healthy way that is focused on THEIR continuing to believe that their life is stable, that their parents love them, that they know what to expect etc. I think situations like your DH it is likely not THAT but parents failing on these other marks and then the finding out in a bad way is just a symptom of other bad things happening.

So like, keeping it from a kid, then having mom talk about it all over town until everyone knows, then continuing not to tell the kid knowing they will be humiliated, and then not admitting it when they are humiliated and ask about it. The crime there was not neglecting to proactively tell the kid on day 1. The crime there is not assessing the kid's experience of the situation, not keeping it within an appropriate circle, not understanding when it escaped that circle, not then proactively telling the kid to protect them from that.

You are making it all about the first decision when in reality it is about a LOT of bad decisions, all of which point to bad parenting.

Sure, I’m not going to disagree that there was a full cluster of bad parenting from my cheating FIL (not from my MIL). Among other bad decisions, he asked my MIL not to tell the kids (using the reasoning the don’t-tell people here have promoted) and she agreed, which she of course deeply regretted after my poor DH came home from that day in the cafeteria. My DH was (as a teen) angry with her for not telling him the truth, and it took years for him to realize the awful position her DH had put her in. She thought she was doing the right thing and didn’t know that FIL had been open about the affair in their social circles.

And really, that’s the thing I don’t get here. You seem to think that cheaters are sober, good decision-makers who make good parenting decisions for the benefit of their kids. That really doesn’t track at all with my experience. In my experience, I’ve yet to see a cheater who put their kids first. And the kids know it. They know their mom or dad doesn’t really care about them. Certainly my DH knew that. And so I’m extremely skeptical that cheating parents can somehow cheat yet also be a caring advocate for their kids and be able to soberly assess whether their kids will learn about the truth of the affair in situations like the one my DH endured. I just don’t see cheaters suddenly becoming the kind of parent who care about protecting their kids from harm, when there is concrete evidence that they are pretty delusional. Maybe there are cheaters out there that can soberly assess whether their kids are more likely to be hurt by being told by their parents or not, but when I look around at the cheating parents I’ve known, they are pretty universally incapable of that level of self-reflection.

And I would assume your DH correctly holds his dad accountable then? Not his mom? It took awhile but he got there. There was no avoiding the terrible conclusion that his dad sucks. But he got there because of things his dad did to HIM. He didn't have to get there by feeling like he took his mom's side over his dad's because she wanted him to.

And regardless of how he feels about it now, he cannot actually speak to the inverse situation where the mom in that case tells the kid and hates the dad and the kid lives with the specter of hate and discord and feeling like they are a pawn in a war. Lots of us are speaking to that being just as crappy.

Just because you have yet to see a cheater put their kids first doesn't mean they don't exist. I have a friend who cheated on her husband for a lot of bad reasons. They did therapy, stayed together, have three wonderful kids and I can't speak to their marriage honestly but she is a WONDERFUL mother. You are using a really narrow personal experience to extrapolate something about all cheaters. Just like every other kind of person there is a LOT of people on that spectrum. And they are not all terrible people and they are not all terrible parents.

Basically my entire position is that the needs of the kids need to be paramount and parents need to soberly evaluate the situation and make decisions based on the kid's need not their own. There are situations where that means telling them, and situations where that means not telling them. IMO I will continue to believe that if they CAN be protected from that, they should be.

I agree with you on the bolded, but I disagree that in general the default rule should be to not tell, largely because I simply don’t think it’s realistic if you want to protect your kids from being told by someone who wants to hurt them (like the middle school bully). The cheating happened. Unless it was kept deeply secret such that only the cheater, the AP, and the ex will ever know (unusual), the kids will eventually find out. It’s only a question of when and how, and I think it’s delusional to pretend otherwise.

I am also skeptical that cheating parents are capable of the bolded, generally speaking. You are basing your idea of the “good cheater” on your one friend, but that’s a pretty narrow and IMO unusual situation. Certainly that doesn’t track my lived experience (not just my FIL) nor that of most people I know.

My DH had a good relationship with his mom eventually, but it was harmed for years because he felt she had deceived him (which she had, to be blunt). Of course finding out the way he did was traumatic and he (as a hurt teen) lashed out at both parents, not just the one who was really at fault.

I am one of the pps you are responding to above. There are at least two of us. lol

You argue that PP is basing their response on the one "good cheater" then let me add my dad as the second.

My dad was a wonderful father. He was arguably the best in our entire extended family on both sides. He was very involved in our activities: school, playing, emotional development, etc.

But he was an awful husband. My mother told us about some of the stuff he had done, and we confronted him. He had his own version of the story. We never took sides, but we never thought that he was wrong and she was right. I only came to that realization as a young adult. My siblings came to it much later. We did not have the capacity to process some of things. It just felt like two broken human beings bickering and telling on each other.

So there is no way that I am assuming that all cheaters are bad parents. And my parents loved us more than anything in the world. And my dad cheating or being a horrible husband does not change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing when many posters here are telling you their own personal experiences with these things in childhood and all of you are STILL so focused on how horrible the cheater is that you are denying the real life experiences of the kids here who's opinions don't align with your self image. And so you think we've been brainwashed or something.

This is how your kids feel too I imagine. Real life is what you make it into, and real humans are flawed and complex and not universally good or bad.

Shrug. I believe real life over DCUM. God knows a lot of DCUM is not something to aspire to. I’m not going to change my opinion of how cheaters are bad parents when I’ve only ever seen that in real life, no matter what a few self-delusional DCUM posters say.

If I suddenly start encountering cheater parents in real life who are good, thoughtful parents, I will update my base assumptions. Hasn’t happened yet, though.

Again, everything is about what you think about the adults, not about how the adults are affecting the kids.

Let me ask the posters like you a provocative question that I think gets to the meat of what the rest of us think.

Do you think there is a 'correct' path for a child to follow when informed of an affair? Will the child's choices after being informed impact your relationship with the child? Will you be ok if the child continues to have a fairly normal not conflicted relationship with the cheating parent?

I’d never judge a child for what they choose to do. Plenty of kids choose to align themselves with terrible parents, for complex reasons. They only deserve compassion and support for that, even as adults.

And of course my assessment that cheaters are bad parents is about the adults, because I am evaluating the adults. That seems like basic logic to me.

DP.

We are focusing on the well being of the children. Why are you evaluating the adults?

Because I am highly skeptical that any cheater is actually capable of thinking of the wellbeing of the children. It is too much cognitive dissonance to ask me to believe that.

Really?

I disagree. More importantly, we are the non-cheating people(I hope), so we are focusing on the wellbeing of the children.

[Anonymous]

I skimmed this thread.

Just wanted to say that I have had more than a few friends in my life who have had parents who cheated including my bff( and her 4 sibs.) Some parents ended up with their AP and some not. None of that mattered much to my friends with those parents.

What really mattered, from what I saw and they said, is how the parents treat/treated them before during and after - married or divorced or cheated or not - and how much effort they put into it.

That is what makes the relationship.

[Anonymous]

My best friend's parents got divorced in high school. Her mom left her dad and moved out. She was so furious at her mom for years and wouldn't talk to her. They finally became friends again and she would visit her. We were nearly 30 when she found out that her dad had cheated on her mom for years and that's why she left. My friend was so upset at both her parents for not telling her the truth, for her dad cheating and also letting him pretend that mom was the bad person for leaving the marriage.

I think kids should know. I don't think cheaters get a pass.