SIL ruining relationship with brother

[Anonymous]

Title says it all. Before my brother met her, he would come over all the time, babysit for me, play with my daughters, take us to lunch, call at least two-three times a week, then he meets her, gets married, and bam, we never see him anymore. He only calls maybe once a week, never comes over, and doesn't bring his daughter over, claiming they are "too busy." The last two years have been so incredibly crushing losing this relationship. I have no relationship with my neice either- for they are always doing stuff with SIL's sisters. She wants "boundaries", which my family thinks is outrageous. No one should have to call to see family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Title says it all. Before my brother met her, he would come over all the time, babysit for me, play with my daughters, take us to lunch, call at least two-three times a week, then he meets her, gets married, and bam, we never see him anymore. He only calls maybe once a week, never comes over, and doesn't bring his daughter over, claiming they are "too busy." The last two years have been so incredibly crushing losing this relationship. I have no relationship with my neice either- for they are always doing stuff with SIL's sisters. She wants "boundaries", which my family thinks is outrageous. No one should have to call to see family.

This is a pretty common complaint.

First, I do think people should call to see family. But there shouldn't have to be a special invitation or occasion in order for you to see each other. But you should respect a person's time and privacy by calling in advance.

How long have they been married? Have you talked to your brother?

I'd stop blaming your SIL. That is the easiest thing to do, and I'm sure she has a hand in it. But you brother is an adult and it is his responsibility to maintain and cultivate the relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

This is like my SIL & brother. We all live in the same area. Her parents had major marital issues, and I think SIL believes the way to "correct the mistakes of her parents" is to have fixed, controlled boundaries, and keep their marriage rather... confined. It's sad.

We're really close with our other in-laws, and enjoy spending time with each other (and *make* time to spend with each other), but SIL is really weird. She thinks when you get married, your old family ends, and your new one begins - instead of expanding and growing your family. Our brother never comes over or spends time with our kids, and we need advanced permission to spend time with him - even if she doesn't want to join in. I get that the issues of her parents are spilling over into the present, but it's sad all around.

[Anonymous]

Look, a lot of the change would have happened no matter what when he got married. His wife and children are going to take priority, and he'll have dramatically less free time to come over all the time, etc. That time, rightfully, goes to girlfriend who then becomes his wife and his children.

It sounds like it has gone a little farther than what might be naturally considered to happen in that situation, but no matter what, you now have to meet him and his wife where they are. So, yes, you do have to call first before coming over. That's true in a lot of families. You need to accept seeing him less often and having less knowledge of his private life. It sounds like he made things easy for you before, and now you need to make a bit more effort given his time constraints and responsibilities.

And, if you've let it be known that you hold any of this against your SIL, realize you've contributed to the problem. Focus on your relationship with your brother, and don't complain about his wife. See if you can figure out what works best for their schedule--if he's always saying no to one kind of time frame, ask him what might work best for him.

[Anonymous]

With the resentment you feel toward your SIL, it doesn't shock me she wants to limit time with you. You blame her when it's really your adult brother who dropped the ball. Call him, say you miss him, would like to get together at least once a month to hang out. Set a reoccurring play date for the 1st Saturday of every month, for example. And lighten up on the SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Title says it all. Before my brother met her, he would come over all the time, babysit for me, play with my daughters, take us to lunch, call at least two-three times a week, then he meets her, gets married, and bam, we never see him anymore. He only calls maybe once a week, never comes over, and doesn't bring his daughter over, claiming they are "too busy." The last two years have been so incredibly crushing losing this relationship. I have no relationship with my neice either- for they are always doing stuff with SIL's sisters. She wants "boundaries", which my family thinks is outrageous. No one should have to call to see family.

I think I see her problem with all of you. I'm on her side.

[Anonymous]

You're blaming the wrong person. Your brother made the decision to part with you and your family, not your SIL. You need to take it up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Title says it all. Before my brother met her, he would come over all the time, babysit for me, play with my daughters, take us to lunch, call at least two-three times a week, then he meets her, gets married, and bam, we never see him anymore. He only calls maybe once a week, never comes over, and doesn't bring his daughter over, claiming they are "too busy." The last two years have been so incredibly crushing losing this relationship. I have no relationship with my neice either- for they are always doing stuff with SIL's sisters. She wants "boundaries", which my family thinks is outrageous. No one should have to call to see family.

I see why she is trying to set up boundaries.

Everyone needs boundaries. And yes, even family should have to call before stopping over. It's just polite.

I think the problem is that you are having a difficult time with boundaries, with the recognition that your brother has his own life now and that you have to respect him as an adult.

I would be upset if inlaws just stopped by unannounced. And if it happened more than once, I'd tell my husband that he needs to establish boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but this is not that uncommon with men. He is married, he has his own family. You and previous family are not a priority.

[Anonymous]

Look at the list of things. Your brother was doing things for you -- seriously, now he has his own daughter to babysit! Before he was probably lonely. One possibility is that your SIL wants "boundaries" in that she needs your brother to help out with their kid.

If you want a better relationship maybe you could think about returning some of the favors -- why don't you call him? Take him and his daughter (and maybe SIL) to lunch? Babysit for his kid (bring yours ,why not) so that he and SIL can go out?

Your relationship needs to change now that your brother has more responsibility at home. Stop being so self-absorbed and things will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Title says it all. Before my brother met her, he would come over all the time, babysit for me, play with my daughters, take us to lunch, call at least two-three times a week, then he meets her, gets married, and bam, we never see him anymore. He only calls maybe once a week, never comes over, and doesn't bring his daughter over, claiming they are "too busy." The last two years have been so incredibly crushing losing this relationship. I have no relationship with my neice either- for they are always doing stuff with SIL's sisters. She wants "boundaries", which my family thinks is outrageous. No one should have to call to see family.

I see why she is trying to set up boundaries.

Everyone needs boundaries. And yes, even family should have to call before stopping over. It's just polite.

I think the problem is that you are having a difficult time with boundaries, with the recognition that your brother has his own life now and that you have to respect him as an adult.

I would be upset if inlaws just stopped by unannounced. And if it happened more than once, I'd tell my husband that he needs to establish boundaries.

Exactly. You used him as a babysitter when he was single. And now you resent that he has a family of his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at the list of things. Your brother was doing things for you -- seriously, now he has his own daughter to babysit! Before he was probably lonely. One possibility is that your SIL wants "boundaries" in that she needs your brother to help out with their kid.

If you want a better relationship maybe you could think about returning some of the favors -- why don't you call him? Take him and his daughter (and maybe SIL) to lunch? Babysit for his kid (bring yours ,why not) so that he and SIL can go out?

Your relationship needs to change now that your brother has more responsibility at home. Stop being so self-absorbed and things will get better.
[/quote
Wow! This says it all. I agree with every word. I'm assuming you are a single parent? Things are different when you have a spouse in the home. His priority is them now. Boundaries are important. Family or not.

[Anonymous]

I think you mean your brother is ruining your relationship with your brother.

[Anonymous]

Did she break your brother's arms, and now he can't pick up a phone? He has 100% control over whether he contacts his family and how much time he spends with you. Stop blaming the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she break your brother's arms, and now he can't pick up a phone? He has 100% control over whether he contacts his family and how much time he spends with you. Stop blaming the woman.

I agree 100% percent. It's the BROTHER'S responsibility to maintain a relationship. Women in DCUM seem to blame SILs constantly. It makes you wonder why women hate each other so much.