SIL ruining relationship with brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I'm not a troll. And I'm not a single parent. I'm a SAHM with two daughters and have a husband who travels a lot for work. My brother would come over a lot to give me a break with the girls so I could get my hair, nails, errands done and give my husband and I a date night. Once married, that went out the window. I thought them having kids would do babysitting swapping, but no interest. No more cards, lunches, just the relationship we had is not there anymore. I'm not being selfish- I expect family to be there for each other.

So, are you sitting for his niece so your brother and SIL can get a date night? So your SIL can get her hair done? So they can run errands?

Exactly. Maybe your brother doesn't think the swapping is necessary, because you actually owe him a ton of babysitting. Maybe he doesn't want to ask you because he doesn't want to be on the hook with you for more babysitting.

When he watched your kids, what did you do as a "swap"? Oh, I get it, there was no swap then; he just did it for you without expecting anything in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree, of course you should call. And once a week phone calls are pretty darn good amidst the responsibilities of balancing work and raising small children.
Your family of origin didn't have "typical" boundaries and it seems you are under the impression that most families operate that way but your SIL's perspective is more "normal".
I understand missing that connection with your brother and there's no reason you can't find a way to maintain it in a way that is comfortable for everyone - which means you must respect their "boundaries".

+1

He is an adult married man, with a life that doesn't include you at every turn. Normal.

Reset your out of whack expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I'm not a troll. And I'm not a single parent. I'm a SAHM with two daughters and have a husband who travels a lot for work. My brother would come over a lot to give me a break with the girls so I could get my hair, nails, errands done and give my husband and I a date night. Once married, that went out the window. I thought them having kids would do babysitting swapping, but no interest. No more cards, lunches, just the relationship we had is not there anymore. I'm not being selfish- I expect family to be there for each other.

The relationship you had was very one-sided. The fact that you say you expect family to be there for each other makes you sound really ungrateful for all of the things he did for you. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to spend time with you.

Have you ever tried this: "Brother, because of all you did for me when my kids were little, the countless hours of babysitting, I'd love to babysit for you so you can have a date night with your wife. And don't worry, I don't expect you to do anymore babysitting for me. You did so much before! I want to be there for you now, as you were there for me, as family should be for each other."

See how the tone is different than your posts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I'm not a troll. And I'm not a single parent. I'm a SAHM with two daughters and have a husband who travels a lot for work. My brother would come over a lot to give me a break with the girls so I could get my hair, nails, errands done and give my husband and I a date night. Once married, that went out the window. I thought them having kids would do babysitting swapping, but no interest. No more cards, lunches, just the relationship we had is not there anymore. I'm not being selfish- I expect family to be there for each other.

The relationship you had was very one-sided. The fact that you say you expect family to be there for each other makes you sound really ungrateful for all of the things he did for you. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to spend time with you.

Have you ever tried this: "Brother, because of all you did for me when my kids were little, the countless hours of babysitting, I'd love to babysit for you so you can have a date night with your wife. And don't worry, I don't expect you to do anymore babysitting for me. You did so much before! I want to be there for you now, as you were there for me, as family should be for each other."

See how the tone is different than your posts?

Exactly. The SIL probably figured out you were a lazy mooch very early on and decided to cut you off at the knees. If you and your mother are on the same page, she is probably demanding too. The apple doesn't fall far. Your brother was probably conditioned by your mother to do your (and her) bidding and poor SIL has had to cut you both out to have a reasonable relationship with her husband.

[Anonymous]

OP - from you post, it sounds like you are harboring a lot of resentment toward your sister-in-law. That is probably making the situation much worse. She probably picks up on it, feels uncomfortable around you, and feels the need to establish more clear "boundaries" so she doesn't have to be around you all the time. From her perspective, it is probably no fun being around someone that is so clearly resentful of her.

Like other commenters have said, you need to accept that your brother's life changed when he got married and had a daughter, and there is nothing wrong with that. His life doesn't resolve around you anymore, and while that may make you sad, and it may be inconvenient now that you don't have a sitter whenever you want to get your hair and nails done, you need to think about what is best for him. He is much better off being married and having a child of his own than being on his own.

[Anonymous]

OP just misses his babysitting services, she can't get her nails done now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I'm not a troll. And I'm not a single parent. I'm a SAHM with two daughters and have a husband who travels a lot for work. My brother would come over a lot to give me a break with the girls so I could get my hair, nails, errands done and give my husband and I a date night. Once married, that went out the window. I thought them having kids would do babysitting swapping, but no interest. No more cards, lunches, just the relationship we had is not there anymore. I'm not being selfish- I expect family to be there for each other.

The relationship you had was very one-sided. The fact that you say you expect family to be there for each other makes you sound really ungrateful for all of the things he did for you. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to spend time with you.

Have you ever tried this: "Brother, because of all you did for me when my kids were little, the countless hours of babysitting, I'd love to babysit for you so you can have a date night with your wife. And don't worry, I don't expect you to do anymore babysitting for me. You did so much before! I want to be there for you now, as you were there for me, as family should be for each other."

See how the tone is different than your posts?

Great idea! Op, follow up on this.

Also, OP, I'm guessing that your family dynamics are influenced by another culture too, not just American. There's probably a lot of assumptions and expectations that you're holding on to that may not be clear or shared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I'm not a troll. And I'm not a single parent. I'm a SAHM with two daughters and have a husband who travels a lot for work. My brother would come over a lot to give me a break with the girls so I could get my hair, nails, errands done and give my husband and I a date night. Once married, that went out the window. I thought them having kids would do babysitting swapping, but no interest. No more cards, lunches, just the relationship we had is not there anymore. I'm not being selfish- I expect family to be there for each other.

The relationship you had was very one-sided. The fact that you say you expect family to be there for each other makes you sound really ungrateful for all of the things he did for you. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to spend time with you.

Have you ever tried this: "Brother, because of all you did for me when my kids were little, the countless hours of babysitting, I'd love to babysit for you so you can have a date night with your wife. And don't worry, I don't expect you to do anymore babysitting for me. You did so much before! I want to be there for you now, as you were there for me, as family should be for each other."

See how the tone is different than your posts?

Very well-put!! And PP's post too, about how you should be concerned about your brother's happiness over whether he can babysit so you can get your nails done. Hope all of these posts give you the perspective you need.

[Anonymous]

PP again - I absolutely adore my brother and SIL but could not maintain the schedule you seem to expect.
Talking once a week is actually a very good week for us.
We both are married with young kids and lots of activities.
OP, offer to babysit your brother's child, without expectation of anything in return, if you really care about this relationship and not just what you can get out of it.

[Anonymous]

"Forsaking all others". ALL others. His wife comes first.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you my SIL? Are you the one who resented when your baby brother met me? Are you the one who caused a scene at our wedding because it was not about you? Are you the one who told your relatives and mutual friends that I was a be-yotch? Are you the one who tells your DCs to call your brother "Uncle X" but me by my first name? Are you the one who says you want to have a closer relationship but never return our calls or emails?

Is that you?

[Anonymous]

Yikes.

[Anonymous]

I lost all respect for OP when she explained her brother babysat when she got her nails done. And her hair.

Good Lord.

[Anonymous]

I am glad you are not my SIL. Time for you to grow up. He is busy with his life. You can't control everyone.

[Anonymous]

How come no one is ever there for me so I can get my nails and hair done? Oh the humanity!