SIL ruining relationship with brother

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight. He should spend his free time with YOUR children instead of his own so that you can get your nails done?

[Anonymous]

I lost my brother when he got married too. But he's always lived a thousand miles away and all we did was talk on the phone a few times a year. Now he can't do that unless she's on the phone. And no, we never talked about her, etc. Same thing in person, too. He can't have a conversation with our family unless she's RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. Has always been like that. And we're not exactly a close family, with ties that would be threatening. Yes it's his fault too, I know. She started it, and he basically goes along to keep the peace.

[Anonymous]

I lost my brother, too, op so I know what you're going through. It is really easy to blame your sil while forgiving your brother at the same time. But he changed his behavior too so he had done kind of reason.

My brother used to call just to talk, come over just to hang out. Now there's no interest in any part of my life, even my kids. And he doesn't like to talk about his life or kids. And she has never returned my attempts at being friends: never returned a phone call, passed on getting together, even rejected playdates. It's been years and things still haven't changed. No explanation either except we are busy, one kid's sick so we all must stay home, etc. It is so beyond me that I have to laugh at the situation. It hurts when they reject my kids, but I'm trying not to get upset over it.

So sorry, op. Hopefully things get better for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Of course your brother can't come over all the time, babysit for you on the regular, and call three times a week now that he's married and has a child of his own. He was helping you out when he was able but now he has other commitments that require more of his time. Maybe he & his wife would be more open to babysitting for you once a week if you were more supportive of the marriage and encouraged him to look after his own family. You're the big sister, you've been at this marriage & parenthood thing longer than he has - you should be encouraging him to embrace these new roles in his life.

Honestly, I don't have the bandwidth for people who want the same amount of time and energy from me than they got when I was single and cry over how unfair it is now that I have a family of my own that needs me. I seriously cut down on how much of myself I make available to some one whose refrain to any kind gesture is - "but when do I get more?! This isn't enough! Aren't we close anymore?!!" Don't be that person. He'll have to cut you out, keep it limited to holidays, etc if you behalf this way and it will be no one's fault but your own.

[Anonymous]

I could be this SIL. That said, my husband's sister hasn't been very nice to me and I don't enjoy spending time with her so I limit the amount of time I'm around her. Could this be the case? Have you tried to be friendly to SIL and make her feel like she's actually a part of your family? My husband's family always makes me feel like an outsider. This might not be the case but just trying to give you the SIL's perspective.

[Anonymous]

What makes a formerly friendly brother suddenly distant with no explanation? Does his wife (the sil) force him not to explain the sudden change in behavior? Why? And how could he do so without knowing how it hurts those who love him? And how can the sil sit back and let this happen to her children's grandparents/aunts/uncles?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What makes a formerly friendly brother suddenly distant with no explanation? Does his wife (the sil) force him not to explain the sudden change in behavior? Why? And how could he do so without knowing how it hurts those who love him? And how can the sil sit back and let this happen to her children's grandparents/aunts/uncles?

It's not clear that OP's brother is "unfriendly" just that he's not able to do as much stuff for her as he used to now that he has a family of his own. If OP is interpreting that as being unfriendly, that that's on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What makes a formerly friendly brother suddenly distant with no explanation? Does his wife (the sil) force him not to explain the sudden change in behavior? Why? And how could he do so without knowing how it hurts those who love him? And how can the sil sit back and let this happen to her children's grandparents/aunts/uncles?

Maybe the brother felt smothered by this family and is grateful for the opportunity to use his wife as a cover to get out from under their thumb.

He is making a choice to spend less time with his family. That's his choice. OP can bitch about SIL all she likes, but in reality her brother doesn't want to spend so much time with his family.

[Anonymous]

But why the sudden distance with no explanation? If he explained why, his sister would have the chance to change. It's as if he does not want to even give her the chance to change. So unilateral and cold hearted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But why the sudden distance with no explanation? If he explained why, his sister would have the chance to change. It's as if he does not want to even give her the chance to change. So unilateral and cold hearted.

So that's you OP? Want to share with us what specifically is so "unfriendly" about his behavior? So far, all we know is that he doesn't babysit for you anymore and you have to call before coming over - all sounds reasonable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But why the sudden distance with no explanation? If he explained why, his sister would have the chance to change. It's as if he does not want to even give her the chance to change. So unilateral and cold hearted.

So that's you OP? Want to share with us what specifically is so "unfriendly" about his behavior? So far, all we know is that he doesn't babysit for you anymore and you have to call before coming over - all sounds reasonable to me.

No, I'm not the op, just a pp that also "lost" a brother when he got married. So I feel badly for op.

For me, sudden distance means sudden lack of interest in my life (including his nieces) and not wanting to share about his life (including kids - my nephews). If it's so common like pps said, I just would like to know why, and why so unilateral?

[Anonymous]

And how can the sil sit back and let this happen to her children's grandparents/aunts/uncles?

It's not the SIL's job to nuture relationships with her ILs. I don't have any ill will towards my ILs but I'm not close to them. I'm not interested in being the POC for their family things. If DH wants to do something with them, he can put it on the calendar and we'll do it. Given my family history, I think 'blood' is way overrated and instead have close relationships with 'non-blood'. I know not everyone is the same but my perspective is equally valid.

[Anonymous]

you want your married brother WITH a kid, to come over and babysit yours? Take you to lunch? What an entitled ass you are.

[Anonymous]

i love my little brother to death. he installs all our car seats, does little fix it jobs for us when he's in town, sends great gifts from new yrok for the kids, send us fabulous cupcakes and whatever he finds that he knows i like, basically, he is the most ideal brother i could imagine.

and yet, when he gets married and has kids, i EXPECT and WANT that he should turn his full attention to his wife and kids. they will be his priority then. and i will do everything i can to reach otu and be apart of their lives, but do i think he'll be stringing up our xmas lights then? no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I'm not a troll. And I'm not a single parent. I'm a SAHM with two daughters and have a husband who travels a lot for work. My brother would come over a lot to give me a break with the girls so I could get my hair, nails, errands done and give my husband and I a date night. Once married, that went out the window. I thought them having kids would do babysitting swapping, but no interest. No more cards, lunches, just the relationship we had is not there anymore. I'm not being selfish- I expect family to be there for each other.

I still call TROLL. This just sounds like someone wanting to stir people up. Yes, I do know there are ridiculously selfish people like this out there, and that it's very possible someone actually feels this way. But there's something about how this is written that makes it sound like a purposeful prank.