SIL ruining relationship with brother

[Anonymous]

Still doesn't explain the brother dropping his nieces as if they were a hot plate. Who does that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still doesn't explain the brother dropping his nieces as if they were a hot plate. Who does that?

People with crazy ass sisters with crazy ass expectations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still doesn't explain the brother dropping his nieces as if they were a hot plate. Who does that?

How much time do you think an uncle should spend with his nieces? I saw the ones who lived within a couple hours 2-3 times a year and I think that's pretty normal. I had a good relationship with them, still do - have great, insightful conversations with them when we do get together.

If you have an uncle who lives down the block, then the cousins getting together a couple times a month, or even every Friday, makes sense - IF all the adults in the situation are on the same page re expectations and taking turns for who's responsible for watching the kids, providing food, etc. In OP's situation, they're not on the same page - she expects to continue receiving support without being able to reciprocate - so get togethers have reduced in frequency. That doesn't mean the uncle has dropped OP or his nieces. It means he's taking responsibility for the family he's newly created and balancing that a sister whose expectations are unfair.

[Anonymous]

Some families are closer than others. Personally, I really admire people who have close families, who keep in touch regularly as adults and make family (i.e., grown siblings) an important part of life for their kids. While I agree that once someone marries, their new family is paramount, in real life most people still live as if their grown siblings are important to them and to their children, V-card or not.

[Anonymous]

She never said she wasn't going to reciprocate. She said babysitting swapping. Where are you getting that she wasn't going to reciprocate???

[Anonymous]

I think OP is not handling change well and is blaming the SIL when in all likelihood OP's brother isn't doing a great job managing his relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she break your brother's arms, and now he can't pick up a phone? He has 100% control over whether he contacts his family and how much time he spends with you. Stop blaming the woman.

I agree 100% percent. It's the BROTHER'S responsibility to maintain a relationship. Women in DCUM seem to blame SILs constantly. It makes you wonder why women hate each other so much.

This. Stop scapegoating. You have a choice. You can either adjust your expectations and respect the boundaries or you can get yourself in a snit, cause some drama and risk losing the relationship completely.

Maybe your relationship with your brother wasn't what you thought. Maybe he doesn't want to babysit and take you out for meals anymore. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or some evil sinister SIL has brainwashed him. Maybe he just doesn't want to be around someone who hates his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What makes a formerly friendly brother suddenly distant with no explanation? Does his wife (the sil) force him not to explain the sudden change in behavior? Why? And how could he do so without knowing how it hurts those who love him? And how can the sil sit back and let this happen to her children's grandparents/aunts/uncles?

That's easy.

OP/sister is a controlling bitch who was accustomed to using him for free child care services and now the new SIL has put an end to this convenient arrangement and OP doesn't like it one little bit. OP's obvious hostility to the SIL probably screams out loud and clear in person and sil doesn't like it so she is minimizing the brother's time with OP, and of course, since Sil plays the "v" card OP has nothing with which she can compete for the brother's attention.

so, brothers will treat their former crap family like crap once sex is no the table. got it. but what about former family that was actually pretty cool? that's the instance here.

I'm not op. All I got from her post was that she was upset that her relationship with her brother has been altered. so she's upset. I think it's fair that she can be upset, so she's venting here. she has not said that she treated the sil badly. she has not said that she expects her brother to continue babysitting for free. in fact, she mentioned babysitting-swapping. the fury to the op escalated based on other people's poor relationships, not on what op said. give her a break.

OP is AT BEST extremely immature. When a sib marries and has kids, they are forming a new nuclear family. They are going to spend less time with their family of origin. "When a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home, then the two shall be as one" and all that.

Being unhappy for her brother and whining because her brother has gone on to have a happy marriage and being jealous and critical of his wife is a step beyond immature in my book, and is getting down to vicious.

NP here. No one's saying that sibling will be spending more time with his new nuclear family - of course he is! That's normal and natural and should be the way it is. But I've lost a brother pretty much completely, because he needs permission from his wife to visit, or go for brunch. Or meet for dinner. Or bring their kids over. It's bizarre. We're normal, pretty easy-going and mellow people, we don't need to hang out with our "original" family all the time. But if we're in the same area, getting together once in a while is what normal loved ones do. Personally, I would consider it a bad sign for DH to abandon his original family just because he gets married. That would be a red flag. Shifting priorities is one thing, but severe restriction is another.

Maybe you haven't been in the position, but I kind of sympathize with OP. But I have a very controlling SIL, that is so out of the range of normal for everyone in our extended family. Marriage should change you for the better. In bro's case, it's changed him significantly - and not in a good way.

Maybe it's a red flag that he really wasn't happy with the family dynamics and his wife makes him feel loved and accepted. Is your brother happy? if so, be happy for him and try being selfless instead of making it all.about.you. If he is being held at gunpoint in the marriage then send the police over to free him.

I call troll on OP like others. I refuse to believe that anyone would admit to being such an entitled princess. Are we all supposed to say tisk tisk because the brother doesn't want to spend his free time babysitting while princess gets her nails done? It's just too inane. I bet it's someone bored trying to see how many responses she/he can get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She never said she wasn't going to reciprocate. She said babysitting swapping. Where are you getting that she wasn't going to reciprocate???

But he already baby set her kids. She is supposed to return the favor, not reset the clock, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still doesn't explain the brother dropping his nieces as if they were a hot plate. Who does that?

It's "hot potato" not hot plate. But you know that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Title says it all. Before my brother met her, he would come over all the time, babysit for me, play with my daughters, take us to lunch, call at least two-three times a week, then he meets her, gets married, and bam, we never see him anymore. He only calls maybe once a week, never comes over, and doesn't bring his daughter over, claiming they are "too busy." The last two years have been so incredibly crushing losing this relationship. I have no relationship with my neice either- for they are always doing stuff with SIL's sisters. She wants "boundaries", which my family thinks is outrageous. No one should have to call to see family.

I think I see her problem with all of you. I'm on her side.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Title says it all. Before my brother met her, he would come over all the time, babysit for me, play with my daughters, take us to lunch, call at least two-three times a week, then he meets her, gets married, and bam, we never see him anymore. He only calls maybe once a week, never comes over, and doesn't bring his daughter over, claiming they are "too busy." The last two years have been so incredibly crushing losing this relationship. I have no relationship with my neice either- for they are always doing stuff with SIL's sisters. She wants "boundaries", which my family thinks is outrageous. No one should have to call to see family.

I think I see her problem with all of you. I'm on her side.

+1.

+1,000,000 Boundaries are healthy. Have you ever dealt with any major life stressors? If you obsess so much over not getting free babysitting to get your hair done and the fact your bro ONLY calls once a week (the horrors), then I suspect you have too much time on your hands and not enough life experience. There are people out there dealing with things like cancer, death of a spouse, poverty, children with life threatening illnesses, paralysis...you get my drift. Have some perspective and be content with the time your brother does spend with you instead of ruminating about what he doesn't do. Maybe he will want to see you more if you manage your negative energy. Oh and the sister in law in a bystander. There were cracks in your relationship with your bro long before she came along.

[Anonymous]

You lost me at "calls me ONLY once a week". I am very close to my brother and on good terms with his wife. we talk 2-3 times a month (he lives in CA). The conversation are maybe an hour long and meaningful. neither has time for more.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe you guys fell for this. But, then again, when I first started reading DCUM, I used to believe these types of posts, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe you guys fell for this. But, then again, when I first started reading DCUM, I used to believe these types of posts, too.

...while now you know for a fact that everyone is a troll