Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.

Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.

The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!

I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.

I quit my job because I was all done being taken advantage of and treated like a SAHM when I had to work just as much and as hard as my husband. I don’t think any working mom should be shamed for wanting to be paid the same respect as a working dad.

So you quit the one thing that was giving you respect (lawyer) and now have the least respected job out there, the SAHM. And now you don’t bring in any income, so you’ve lost your negotiating power with DH.

I don’t get it?

I see why you’d say that but things are actually working around here, so it worked out for me.

In hindsight I think DH’s job (biglaw partner in an especially intense practice area) just could not be done while being a truly equal partner to someone who also had a high demands job. There have been some articles floating around recently about the unacknowledged value of the “wife at home” for high powered execs, and I think it’s very true. Some jobs are just designed around a “wife at home” assumption.

gross

Yeah well a lot about corporate America is gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can your MIL handle your DD solo for a few hours every weekend? That way, you and DH both get solo time at once, and the rest of the weekend you spend together as a family? I agree solo time is important, but when both parents work FT, there is not a lot of quality time during the week, so weekends are precious.

I also don’t think your solo time should be spent on home organization or grocery shopping or working. Do the errands together, the three of you. And keep weekends free of work (or alternatively designate 3 weeknights to keep free of work). Spend your solo time in r&r mode.

I said the same as above. Look around the grocery store and Target on a Saturday morning, it's all kids with their parents. Why waste your time alone doing what could be done with the kid. My kids all loved going to Target, by the way. And do grocery delivery. Order school crap from Amazon. This doesn't have to be as hard as OP is making it out to be. But she really seems to want to maximize the victimhood. Her precious Saturday morning time is being squandered this way.

I don’t agree with the things you said about OP. She is probably trying to fit in the errands during her solo time so that she can do enriching activities with her child. It is a natural impulse and I did similar as a first time mom. But later I realized, a trip to the store can be nearly as enriching as a museum trip if you talk about what you are shopping for, converse with each other. I would not do it by myself, but with both parents it is easy so that one parent can focus on shopping, one on interacting with the kid, and they can tag each other in and out. It is family time and they simultaneously get errands done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find this thread so interesting. In most threads everyone likes on the husband that doesn’t do enough around the house, with the kids, etc. And all studies show this is the case, even more so when the woman is the breadwinner (like OP seems to be). For some reason , people have taken what appear to be legitimate complaints about the lack of a real partner and turned them into “bad mother who doesn’t deserve to have kids.” I don’t get it.

Sure, there is all kinds of advice about extending grace, not scorekeeping, etc, that would be excellent advice if the husband wasn’t a jackass, but it sounds like he is one. And the OP sounds like she is past the point of no return on this marriage. So what might have worked three years ago isn’t going to work now.

Once you are at the point where you wish your husband’s plane would crash on his biz trip so he never came home (which is what this sounds like), you really just need to find a divorce lawyer.

My marriage came back from that point. I know that's weird, but it did. My husband legitimately stepped up. The answer was my being far more selfish and willing to leave. And I'm a much more fun wife now that I sleep enough and go to the gym regularly and generally take care of myself, and he gets to enjoy that.

OP has not mentioned one redeeming quality about her husband at any point. It's all negative. It's hard to imagine what she saw in him in the first place. What is there to come back from?

All I can tell you is that my marriage was in, if anything, a worse place and it got better. And that it didn't get better because I got more accommodating.

Are you the person who keeps mentioning the pride, power, pleasure shtick? You still haven't said exactly what you did to turn things around. And I know my husband would die laughing if I told him he only did things that connected to those things. As if he derives that must joy from laundry, dishes, garbage, wiping butts.

I am not that person.
Relationship therapy was a big part of it.

I am the 3P poster. The fact that you found that one unicorn of a partner does not change the lived reality of most married mothers. If your DH were the rule, and not the exception, women would not routinely post in distress about doing far more than their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find this thread so interesting. In most threads everyone likes on the husband that doesn’t do enough around the house, with the kids, etc. And all studies show this is the case, even more so when the woman is the breadwinner (like OP seems to be). For some reason , people have taken what appear to be legitimate complaints about the lack of a real partner and turned them into “bad mother who doesn’t deserve to have kids.” I don’t get it.

Sure, there is all kinds of advice about extending grace, not scorekeeping, etc, that would be excellent advice if the husband wasn’t a jackass, but it sounds like he is one. And the OP sounds like she is past the point of no return on this marriage. So what might have worked three years ago isn’t going to work now.

Once you are at the point where you wish your husband’s plane would crash on his biz trip so he never came home (which is what this sounds like), you really just need to find a divorce lawyer.

My marriage came back from that point. I know that's weird, but it did. My husband legitimately stepped up. The answer was my being far more selfish and willing to leave. And I'm a much more fun wife now that I sleep enough and go to the gym regularly and generally take care of myself, and he gets to enjoy that.

OP has not mentioned one redeeming quality about her husband at any point. It's all negative. It's hard to imagine what she saw in him in the first place. What is there to come back from?

All I can tell you is that my marriage was in, if anything, a worse place and it got better. And that it didn't get better because I got more accommodating.

Are you the person who keeps mentioning the pride, power, pleasure shtick? You still haven't said exactly what you did to turn things around. And I know my husband would die laughing if I told him he only did things that connected to those things. As if he derives that must joy from laundry, dishes, garbage, wiping butts.

I am not that person.
Relationship therapy was a big part of it.

I am the 3P poster. The fact that you found that one unicorn of a partner does not change the lived reality of most married mothers. If your DH were the rule, and not the exception, women would not routinely post in distress about doing far more than their spouses.

I also posted about “3P” and I just want to be clear I am not this person lol. I posted about overcoming a rough patch in my marriage similar to OP’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find this thread so interesting. In most threads everyone likes on the husband that doesn’t do enough around the house, with the kids, etc. And all studies show this is the case, even more so when the woman is the breadwinner (like OP seems to be). For some reason , people have taken what appear to be legitimate complaints about the lack of a real partner and turned them into “bad mother who doesn’t deserve to have kids.” I don’t get it.

Sure, there is all kinds of advice about extending grace, not scorekeeping, etc, that would be excellent advice if the husband wasn’t a jackass, but it sounds like he is one. And the OP sounds like she is past the point of no return on this marriage. So what might have worked three years ago isn’t going to work now.

Once you are at the point where you wish your husband’s plane would crash on his biz trip so he never came home (which is what this sounds like), you really just need to find a divorce lawyer.

My marriage came back from that point. I know that's weird, but it did. My husband legitimately stepped up. The answer was my being far more selfish and willing to leave. And I'm a much more fun wife now that I sleep enough and go to the gym regularly and generally take care of myself, and he gets to enjoy that.

OP has not mentioned one redeeming quality about her husband at any point. It's all negative. It's hard to imagine what she saw in him in the first place. What is there to come back from?

All I can tell you is that my marriage was in, if anything, a worse place and it got better. And that it didn't get better because I got more accommodating.

Are you the person who keeps mentioning the pride, power, pleasure shtick? You still haven't said exactly what you did to turn things around. And I know my husband would die laughing if I told him he only did things that connected to those things. As if he derives that must joy from laundry, dishes, garbage, wiping butts.

I am not that person.
Relationship therapy was a big part of it.

I am the 3P poster. The fact that you found that one unicorn of a partner does not change the lived reality of most married mothers. If your DH were the rule, and not the exception, women would not routinely post in distress about doing far more than their spouses.

That's not what you said though. You said men only do what they can connect to the 3 Ps. That's laughably stupid. They may not do as much as their spouse but they certainly do shit work as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find this thread so interesting. In most threads everyone likes on the husband that doesn’t do enough around the house, with the kids, etc. And all studies show this is the case, even more so when the woman is the breadwinner (like OP seems to be). For some reason , people have taken what appear to be legitimate complaints about the lack of a real partner and turned them into “bad mother who doesn’t deserve to have kids.” I don’t get it.

Sure, there is all kinds of advice about extending grace, not scorekeeping, etc, that would be excellent advice if the husband wasn’t a jackass, but it sounds like he is one. And the OP sounds like she is past the point of no return on this marriage. So what might have worked three years ago isn’t going to work now.

Once you are at the point where you wish your husband’s plane would crash on his biz trip so he never came home (which is what this sounds like), you really just need to find a divorce lawyer.

My marriage came back from that point. I know that's weird, but it did. My husband legitimately stepped up. The answer was my being far more selfish and willing to leave. And I'm a much more fun wife now that I sleep enough and go to the gym regularly and generally take care of myself, and he gets to enjoy that.

OP has not mentioned one redeeming quality about her husband at any point. It's all negative. It's hard to imagine what she saw in him in the first place. What is there to come back from?

All I can tell you is that my marriage was in, if anything, a worse place and it got better. And that it didn't get better because I got more accommodating.

Are you the person who keeps mentioning the pride, power, pleasure shtick? You still haven't said exactly what you did to turn things around. And I know my husband would die laughing if I told him he only did things that connected to those things. As if he derives that must joy from laundry, dishes, garbage, wiping butts.

I am not that person.
Relationship therapy was a big part of it.

I am the 3P poster. The fact that you found that one unicorn of a partner does not change the lived reality of most married mothers. If your DH were the rule, and not the exception, women would not routinely post in distress about doing far more than their spouses.

That's not what you said though. You said men only do what they can connect to the 3 Ps. That's laughably stupid. They may not do as much as their spouse but they certainly do shit work as well.

+1

Some women posting here are projecting about their DHs and making their personal, individual experiences into universal truths about every man, ever. That's a reductive, simplistic way to think, and results in terrible advice to others. No one has THE one rule for how to navigate every relationship, rooted in some supposed perfect understanding of every man's mind.

I supposed I have a "unicorn" husband in that one PP's eyes yet I don't have on rose-colored glasses thinking all DHs everywhere are like him; so neither should those with problematic DHs insist that all DHs are like their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

+1

OP, would Fair Play help?

I’ve seen this mentioned a lot on this board. I think I’ll buy it.
About a year ago or so, I suggested we write down our individual loads. Like the things we own related to home kid family finances etc. we each drafted up our list and shared it.
Mine was probably 3x longer?
After he read mine, he went back to “edit” his list. He added random bs to make his list as long as mine. It was legit laughable. I’m talking about things like “manage Netflix and Hulu passwords”
“Call customer service representatives when internet is down”
“Filled out birth certificate paperwork”

Then he said the whole exercise was a farce.
A part of me hopes he doesn’t come back from this work trip. I think this often. I am not the best version of myself when he’s around. I have stayed quiet for so long to kept the peace and not risk an argument, at the expense of my inner turmoil. Today in his text rage he said that I act like taking care of “my daughter” is unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if I’m on a hidden camera show. Did I not see all these red flags before marriage? I’ve ignored my “knowing” for so long. I know I married the wrong person for me. I feel stuck.

OP, you sound like you don’t like your husband. You sound like you think you are so superior. Being a family is team work. I feel bad for your DH and your daughter. You make more money, are doing life right, whatever the hell the above post is referring to….but you’re the best. You would exhaust me.

[Anonymous]

I think that you have to set clear expectations and boundaries with a spouse who doesn’t proactively parent and would leave the work to you unless you said something.

There is a lot of pressure for women to pick up the slack and take on more work at home to keep the peace. It’s entirely fair to request an even distribution of labor at home and to not want to be taken advantage of.

Also, I don’t think real concerns over consistent inequalities with division of labor should be reduced to “tantrums” or “bean counting”. Flexibility is so important but both partners need to be offering it and it shouldn’t result in one partner continuously taking on the bulk of the work. That’s a pattern of behavior and it only leads to resentment and frustration

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

+1

OP, would Fair Play help?

I’ve seen this mentioned a lot on this board. I think I’ll buy it.
About a year ago or so, I suggested we write down our individual loads. Like the things we own related to home kid family finances etc. we each drafted up our list and shared it.
Mine was probably 3x longer?
After he read mine, he went back to “edit” his list. He added random bs to make his list as long as mine. It was legit laughable. I’m talking about things like “manage Netflix and Hulu passwords”
“Call customer service representatives when internet is down”
“Filled out birth certificate paperwork”

Then he said the whole exercise was a farce.
A part of me hopes he doesn’t come back from this work trip. I think this often. I am not the best version of myself when he’s around. I have stayed quiet for so long to kept the peace and not risk an argument, at the expense of my inner turmoil. Today in his text rage he said that I act like taking care of “my daughter” is unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if I’m on a hidden camera show. Did I not see all these red flags before marriage? I’ve ignored my “knowing” for so long. I know I married the wrong person for me. I feel stuck.

OP, you sound like you don’t like your husband. You sound like you think you are so superior. Being a family is team work. I feel bad for your DH and your daughter. You make more money, are doing life right, whatever the hell the above post is referring to….but you’re the best. You would exhaust me.

I wouldn’t like my husband, either. Being a family is teamwork and it requires both partners to put in the work. Doesn’t sound like OPs husband is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

+1

OP, would Fair Play help?

I’ve seen this mentioned a lot on this board. I think I’ll buy it.
About a year ago or so, I suggested we write down our individual loads. Like the things we own related to home kid family finances etc. we each drafted up our list and shared it.
Mine was probably 3x longer?
After he read mine, he went back to “edit” his list. He added random bs to make his list as long as mine. It was legit laughable. I’m talking about things like “manage Netflix and Hulu passwords”
“Call customer service representatives when internet is down”
“Filled out birth certificate paperwork”

Then he said the whole exercise was a farce.
A part of me hopes he doesn’t come back from this work trip. I think this often. I am not the best version of myself when he’s around. I have stayed quiet for so long to kept the peace and not risk an argument, at the expense of my inner turmoil. Today in his text rage he said that I act like taking care of “my daughter” is unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if I’m on a hidden camera show. Did I not see all these red flags before marriage? I’ve ignored my “knowing” for so long. I know I married the wrong person for me. I feel stuck.

Oh god. This comment felt like a time traveling message from myself. I remember when we did this OP. It ended with me crying and both of us shouting.

In hindsight I think it made him defensive and angry because he really did know how bad it was and his ego couldn’t stand being the villain of the story. So whenever I tried to open communication about how to make things fairer it landed us in conflict.

Anyway our oldest is now 10 and our marriage is now very happy. We worked through it and I’m glad we didn’t give up on us back then.

Op here. Yes!! 100% he got defensive and didn’t want to admit to the imbalance. He literally went back and “found” all these things to add to his list to “match” mine in number of items. It was absurd. Managing Hulu and Netflix passwords? Gtfo. He has an email saved with them.

Yep, you needed to show him and remind him you make more money.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, OP. This sounds sadly familiar and I am now divorced.

You guys don't seem to enjoy one another or seem cohesive as a couple or as a family unit.

Even a 3 year old can feel the tension and how she is seen as a chore.

Make some changes re: logistics, unless that is the pretext for time away from DH? How often do you go on dates? By the time our lives looked like you describe, DH was having affairs. BigLaw and that schedule hides a multitude of sins.

Do NOT have any more kids. What is the plan when the 3 yr old stops napping?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

OP, you clearly LOATHE your husband. Everything you’ve said about him reeks of bitterness and dislike. I think you should stop complaining and just get a divorce

+1

DH didn’t think it was a big deal because it wasn’t a big deal. OP is a high maintenance drama queen who acts like spending time with her daughter is like scrubbing toilets.

DH didn’t want to spend that time with his daughter either after passing her off to his mom all morning. Yet you only bash the OP.

But OP was mad at what he didn't do on her time. He didn't even kiss her goodnight! It cuts both ways. She didn't tuck her kid in for nap either, or fix her lunch, or want to spend time before getting the daughter handed off on her time. The kid wants both her parents involved not just one or the other. Instead she has these two yahoos playing hot potato.

There’s a huge difference between lunch and a goodnight kiss. No one really loves to make lunch for their kid—we do it because we have to. But a goodnight kiss? I want to kiss my kids goodnight, and miss it terribly when I’m traveling. The fact that he doesn’t want to…well, it says something about his relationship to his child.

That's what I think about a mother who shoos her kid away and tells her she will see her after the nap. Poor kid to end up with these two parents. Peas in a pod.

But she has a parent who will make her lunch. Anyone can make a kid lunch. Lunch isn’t a kiss. Mom’s kiss isn’t the same as Dad’s kiss.

Oh stop it. Both people can be wrong here. Dad may be slightly more wrong but neither look good. And the kiss stuff is just ick. No need to go there.