Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.

Idiot.

A 3 year old doesn't know that, moron. The 3 year old just asked about that night.

^ the point is that 3 year olds KNOW when their parents are dissing them but according to everyone defending OP 3 year olds are totally oblivious. They clearly are not which many of us already know and OP realizes too. But thinks it's only important when it's her husband doing it, she can blow the kid off when she wants.

It is not dissing or blowing off your kid to not be available every single time they want something. There's a larger pattern here where one parent is present and engaged and one isn't.

Of course there is, but both parents are sending the kid mixed messages with this tag team parenting. It's not noble when the mother does it in the eyes of the 3 year old.

It’s ONE day of the week. And what else would happen? DH would walk all over her.

Fine but it's 1 of only 2 days of the weekend. And it's every weekend. OP works FT during the week. So that's why a lot of ppl are pointing out that you have limited time to spend with kids when you work FT, and so being checked out for almost the whole of one day (and yes, I would consider wakeup until post-nap to be most of the day, given typical bedtime of a 3yo) just means your kid is not the priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.

Idiot.

A 3 year old doesn't know that, moron. The 3 year old just asked about that night.

^ the point is that 3 year olds KNOW when their parents are dissing them but according to everyone defending OP 3 year olds are totally oblivious. They clearly are not which many of us already know and OP realizes too. But thinks it's only important when it's her husband doing it, she can blow the kid off when she wants.

It is not dissing or blowing off your kid to not be available every single time they want something. There's a larger pattern here where one parent is present and engaged and one isn't.

Of course there is, but both parents are sending the kid mixed messages with this tag team parenting. It's not noble when the mother does it in the eyes of the 3 year old.

It’s ONE day of the week. And what else would happen? DH would walk all over her.

Fine but it's 1 of only 2 days of the weekend. And it's every weekend. OP works FT during the week. So that's why a lot of ppl are pointing out that you have limited time to spend with kids when you work FT, and so being checked out for almost the whole of one day (and yes, I would consider wakeup until post-nap to be most of the day, given typical bedtime of a 3yo) just means your kid is not the priority.

She's spending most of "her" time getting groceries and doing other things her family needs. She's supporting her family, doing the bulk of the domestic work, and being an engaged parent while she's parenting. That is making the kid the priority. She's about to have a week on being the only parent. Her kid gets plenty of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.

Idiot.

A 3 year old doesn't know that, moron. The 3 year old just asked about that night.

^ the point is that 3 year olds KNOW when their parents are dissing them but according to everyone defending OP 3 year olds are totally oblivious. They clearly are not which many of us already know and OP realizes too. But thinks it's only important when it's her husband doing it, she can blow the kid off when she wants.

It is not dissing or blowing off your kid to not be available every single time they want something. There's a larger pattern here where one parent is present and engaged and one isn't.

Of course there is, but both parents are sending the kid mixed messages with this tag team parenting. It's not noble when the mother does it in the eyes of the 3 year old.

It’s ONE day of the week. And what else would happen? DH would walk all over her.

Fine but it's 1 of only 2 days of the weekend. And it's every weekend. OP works FT during the week. So that's why a lot of ppl are pointing out that you have limited time to spend with kids when you work FT, and so being checked out for almost the whole of one day (and yes, I would consider wakeup until post-nap to be most of the day, given typical bedtime of a 3yo) just means your kid is not the priority.

She's spending most of "her" time getting groceries and doing other things her family needs. She's supporting her family, doing the bulk of the domestic work, and being an engaged parent while she's parenting. That is making the kid the priority. She's about to have a week on being the only parent. Her kid gets plenty of her.

I'd take the kid on all the errands, run around town with her, get her out of the house, have lunch, then bring her home in time for nap. Then let husband take over in the afternoon so she can really have "me" time. Two birds, one stone.

[Anonymous]

NP. ‘Me time’ is important but something else is wrong. There is dysfunction here. Children feel resentment and contempt between their parents like the kind coming though OPs posts. Major push to therapy, OP, if you both truly want to save your marriage, or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. ‘Me time’ is important but something else is wrong. There is dysfunction here. Children feel resentment and contempt between their parents like the kind coming though OPs posts. Major push to therapy, OP, if you both truly want to save your marriage, or divorce.

There's some truth here but it's not as dramatic as this PP says. A little perspective shift and conscious reframing of the issues is all that's necessary. Not therapy ($$$$$ and long waitlists, btw) and certainly not divorce.

OP, this kind of bean-counting and resentment is a symptom, not the cause, of your problems. You are not getting enough needs met...somewhere. Start with the very bottom basics of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Is *everyone* in your family getting enough sleep and nutritious food? Start there. I bet your 3yo doesn't have a consistently good sleep schedule. Wear her out with outdoor, active play, even after daycare if possible. (P.S. Taking kids this age to a playground is a treat for most parents; you can kind of tune out and watch them from a distance at 3 while you listen to a podcast or chat with another mom friend.)

Once you have the basic physical needs down, move up a level and ask yourself, are you both overworked? (Probably. This is DC and you say you are a lawyer.) Can one of you flex your hours or say no to annoying tasks at work? I had to start setting better boundaries with my work when I became a parent. And in no way did this "mommy track" me or set me back -- by contrast, I got promoted quickly.

Are there tasks you can hire out that would make your life easier? Lawn service, grocery delivery, etc. Might be worth it even as a temporary expense in the busy little-kid years.

If you are making voluntary choices that make your life more hectic - soccer, swim class, dance class for kid that age - stop. They don't need "activities" esp if they are in daycare.

Agree with PPs who say an only child is best for your family, OP. It's wonderful to be one and done and it sounds like the best fit for your needs and capacity.

Absolutely prioritize kid-free time to an extent, but pair the solo exercise time with a healthy dose of time for your marriage. Babysitters are a godsend 1x a week or however often you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.

Sounds like you weren’t cut out for the work.

The work of having a husband acting like he had a 1950s marriage while I was in biglaw bringing in $$$? True!

I don't think that quitting your job to spend more time with your kids is analogous to OP throwing a tantrum in front of her toddler that she has to spend an extra 30 minutes with the child after spending all morning on her own time.

I quit my job because I was all done being taken advantage of and treated like a SAHM when I had to work just as much and as hard as my husband. I don’t think any working mom should be shamed for wanting to be paid the same respect as a working dad.

So you quit the one thing that was giving you respect (lawyer) and now have the least respected job out there, the SAHM. And now you don’t bring in any income, so you’ve lost your negotiating power with DH.

I don’t get it?

I see why you’d say that but things are actually working around here, so it worked out for me.

In hindsight I think DH’s job (biglaw partner in an especially intense practice area) just could not be done while being a truly equal partner to someone who also had a high demands job. There have been some articles floating around recently about the unacknowledged value of the “wife at home” for high powered execs, and I think it’s very true. Some jobs are just designed around a “wife at home” assumption.

gross

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.

Idiot.

DP. But the schedule has OP in charge of bed time on Saturdays. That's the way they set it up. I think it's weird but it is what it is. So I think you're being a bit hypocritical about how one spouse should follow the rules to a T but then also bend them in the same day.

[Anonymous]

I think OP fully realizes her marriage is not in a good place and her needs aren't being met, guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.

Idiot.

DP. But the schedule has OP in charge of bed time on Saturdays. That's the way they set it up. I think it's weird but it is what it is. So I think you're being a bit hypocritical about how one spouse should follow the rules to a T but then also bend them in the same day.

Your so stuck on being right that you don’t see a difference between OP a having to drop everything she is doing to make and feed kid lunch, put her down for nap, etc. on her time, and dad just taking 5 min to pop into bed at night to give his kid a quick hug, kiss, and snuggle while mom is still doing the “active/work” bedtime stuff?

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t work if one party feels they don’t have to go along with the agreed upon plan but splitting days so you can do your own thing is wonderful! Just throwing that out there since OP is getting pushback on this part.

We have 3kids and we split up saturdays with DH doing breakfast/waking up with the kids and I do dinner/bedtime routine. When we had 1 child we did pretty much what OP does and it worked really well.

[Anonymous]

OP, can your MIL handle your DD solo for a few hours every weekend? That way, you and DH both get solo time at once, and the rest of the weekend you spend together as a family? I agree solo time is important, but when both parents work FT, there is not a lot of quality time during the week, so weekends are precious.

I also don’t think your solo time should be spent on home organization or grocery shopping or working. Do the errands together, the three of you. And keep weekends free of work (or alternatively designate 3 weeknights to keep free of work). Spend your solo time in r&r mode.

[Anonymous]

^ ETA: DH and I already had a pretty decent marriage, but after his parents moved close to us and were willing to take the kids for overnights on weekends, our happiness increased 10x. I am somewhat of a control freak, and if they were the junk food/screens all day/late bedtime type of grandparents I wouldn’t have been as enthusiastic, but they are really awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.

Idiot.

DP. But the schedule has OP in charge of bed time on Saturdays. That's the way they set it up. I think it's weird but it is what it is. So I think you're being a bit hypocritical about how one spouse should follow the rules to a T but then also bend them in the same day.

Your so stuck on being right that you don’t see a difference between OP a having to drop everything she is doing to make and feed kid lunch, put her down for nap, etc. on her time, and dad just taking 5 min to pop into bed at night to give his kid a quick hug, kiss, and snuggle while mom is still doing the “active/work” bedtime stuff?

Drop everything? She was doing nothing at that time. And you're digging your heels in as much as OP. The bending of the rules for one but not the other is hypocritical. If it's so easy for dad why can't mom do it? And vice versa. Putting a 3 year old down for a nap means you just point to the bed, takes less than 5 minutes. This family is going to fall apart when the 3 year old stops napping all together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can your MIL handle your DD solo for a few hours every weekend? That way, you and DH both get solo time at once, and the rest of the weekend you spend together as a family? I agree solo time is important, but when both parents work FT, there is not a lot of quality time during the week, so weekends are precious.

I also don’t think your solo time should be spent on home organization or grocery shopping or working. Do the errands together, the three of you. And keep weekends free of work (or alternatively designate 3 weeknights to keep free of work). Spend your solo time in r&r mode.

I said the same as above. Look around the grocery store and Target on a Saturday morning, it's all kids with their parents. Why waste your time alone doing what could be done with the kid. My kids all loved going to Target, by the way. And do grocery delivery. Order school crap from Amazon. This doesn't have to be as hard as OP is making it out to be. But she really seems to want to maximize the victimhood. Her precious Saturday morning time is being squandered this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Things of note:
-I would never quit my job. For one, I like making my own money. I would never make myself financial dependent on a man. Also, I have carried the health benefits for our family for the last 6 years. And I don’t trust my husband in terms of job stability
-Guess what I also often do on my “sat am free time”…other than working out for an hour and maybe reading for 30min or so. Grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s. Amazon returns to the ups store. Target runs for earth day items for dd’s school. Aka things for my f-ing family that aren’t even on dh’s radar or he assumes/expects that I will handle. Because I always have.
- I didn’t throw a tantrum or yell in front of dd. I literally said: “excited to play with you all afternoon after your nap” I told my dh: “you got nap and lunch” it was my dh who said “me? Why would I do it?” And I said why wouldn’t you. What did I do after dd got up from her nap? Took her to the museum, had a wonderful day. What did dh do? Pack for his work trip, leave the house for a few hours, and didn’t see dd for the rest of the day. He left in the morning for a week long trip. And didn’t see dd after giving her lunch and putting her down for nap. Dd woke up asking where daddy was. I said he went on an airplane for work and will come back. “Why didn’t he kiss me goodnight?” Now talk to me about parental engagement and involvement.
- as he packed, I told dh I was sorry his feelings were hurt but that I needed to talk to him about what happened. His reply “I vented and I think I’m good now.” He has texted me from his work trip as if nothing happened. Sending pictures of meals at restaurants and telling me about the weather. Literally as if nothing happened.

I haven’t left bc I think custody wouid be a nightmare and the finances of two homes an even bigger one.

You're not wrong. But it's interesting that you think nothing of telling your kid it's not your turn for lunch and nap and you'll see here when it's your shift. And then you criticize your husband for not kissing her goodnight on your shift. You can't have it both ways. Maybe she was sad you didn't want to see her either?

Are you being deliberately stupid? the DH left FOR A WEEK without saying goodbye to his DD. The OP told her DH to honor their agreement for a couple of hours. In NO WAY is this the same thing.

Idiot.

A 3 year old doesn't know that, moron. The 3 year old just asked about that night.

^ the point is that 3 year olds KNOW when their parents are dissing them but according to everyone defending OP 3 year olds are totally oblivious. They clearly are not which many of us already know and OP realizes too. But thinks it's only important when it's her husband doing it, she can blow the kid off when she wants.

It is not dissing or blowing off your kid to not be available every single time they want something. There's a larger pattern here where one parent is present and engaged and one isn't.

Of course there is, but both parents are sending the kid mixed messages with this tag team parenting. It's not noble when the mother does it in the eyes of the 3 year old.

It’s ONE day of the week. And what else would happen? DH would walk all over her.

Fine but it's 1 of only 2 days of the weekend. And it's every weekend. OP works FT during the week. So that's why a lot of ppl are pointing out that you have limited time to spend with kids when you work FT, and so being checked out for almost the whole of one day (and yes, I would consider wakeup until post-nap to be most of the day, given typical bedtime of a 3yo) just means your kid is not the priority.

She's spending most of "her" time getting groceries and doing other things her family needs. She's supporting her family, doing the bulk of the domestic work, and being an engaged parent while she's parenting. That is making the kid the priority. She's about to have a week on being the only parent. Her kid gets plenty of her.

I'd take the kid on all the errands, run around town with her, get her out of the house, have lunch, then bring her home in time for nap. Then let husband take over in the afternoon so she can really have "me" time. Two birds, one stone.

This is what we did too. Errands got done and I got to hang out with husband and the kids. Win win! The real issue is their desperate need to be apart from each other and the daughter. We also go with each other to visit the other one's extended family.