My wife is furious with me for not standing up for her when my brother told her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how people would respond if you flipped the gender:

I wonder why you think this would matter. I can’t see how it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife needs to explain to her kids that your brother is not their family. He is not their uncle. He is their step dad’s brother. That’s it. All the stuff about your brother not liking kids or whatever is immaterial. He could absolutely love children and be under no obligation to treat your wife’s daughter as de facto nieces, and your daughter’s relationship with her uncle should not be jeopardized because of this. Your wife is so wildly out of line (gee wonder where her daughters got their sense of entitlement from?) that I have a hard time seeing this marriage lasting. What good did you see in your wife? There must have been something?

AMEN

[Anonymous]

I come from a blended family and I can absolutely see being disappointed if my step-family took my step-sibs on some amazing vacation I wasn't invited on. But (1) my family blended when all the kids were much younger (5-9) and there was a half sibling to all of us involved too and (2) it would still absolutely have been their right to do it & similar (though not quite a blatant) things went on in my family because extended family often doesn't blend well. (I was also on the other side of it from the perspective of spending money; my mom gave me way more spending money than they got from their dad or my dad/their mom and I know that was a source of resentment for them... Though I was quite generous with that money.) Now, that said, I think my dad & step-mother would have tried to do something special for me in this scenario; obviously not an equivalent trip, but something. Obviously this OP's scenario is different because the "kid" is 18 & the family blend just happened... but still, to keep the peace & because the disappointment isn't crazy, I'd try to do something I could afford that my step-kids would like when my daughter was gone.

FWIW I think OP's brother is completely right in substance but 100% should not have replied like that to his SIL. OP absolutely should have told brother off for the tone while acknowledging the underlying request was totally unreasonable. OP has to decide if he's willing to let his brother drive a wedge in his family, because he 100% is determined to. No one who cares responds like that to a first request, however unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Isn't whaling illegal?
I can't imagine that it would be popular amount the pseudo eco conscious influencer set.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a scene from Cinderella. Are your step-daughters named Drizella and Anastasia?

My serious advice would simply be that you have handled it the best that you can. Don't internalize your wife's irrational feelings about the situation. That's actually what she's probably doing here . . . internalizing her daughters' irrational reactions as a criticism of herself. And so she has to "fix" it rather than teaching her daughters to have perspective and resilience. I imagine you see this parenting flaw play out in other less-than-ideal ways as well. And so of course her daughters act like clueless, entitled whiners . . . they know that doing so will have Mommy swoop in to make them feel better.

[Anonymous]

The fact that each additional traveler would hugely increase expenses makes this all the more puzzling. It's not like BIL invited your daughter to a large beach house that would be half empty. Flights, hotel, food, etc. for three additional people?!??! It's crazy to assume you are entitled to that when someone has not offered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a scene from Cinderella. Are your step-daughters named Drizella and Anastasia?

My serious advice would simply be that you have handled it the best that you can. Don't internalize your wife's irrational feelings about the situation. That's actually what she's probably doing here . . . internalizing her daughters' irrational reactions as a criticism of herself. And so she has to "fix" it rather than teaching her daughters to have perspective and resilience. I imagine you see this parenting flaw play out in other less-than-ideal ways as well. And so of course her daughters act like clueless, entitled whiners . . . they know that doing so will have Mommy swoop in to make them feel better.

1000%

Stick up for your daughter's OP. Not your new wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol I think your brothers response was golden. Why did you marry this woman? She sounds awful.

Your brother is hilarious and direct! I like it. I also like that you warned your wife that brother would be "mean" if she complained to him! Every family needs a truth cannon like your brother at family functions

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The wife was clearly and very obviously out of line to text the BIL.

I am so shocked though that so many people think the OP should put his brother first. They aren't children and this is his wife not his girlfriend. Your spouse besides your children should be #1. Why does he owe his brother more loyalty than his own wife the one he made marriage vows to. The one he makes life decisions with and wakes up every morning next to?

The only person I could understand him putting before his wife is his daughter because he helped to create her and she is still a dependent on her dad. His brother isn't any of those things. He is just another guy with most likely a family of his own. You get married and create your own nuclear family.

While the wife certainly shouldn't expect her BIL to treat her kids on an extravagant vacation she isn't out of line to expect that her kids do get treated equally within their own household.

My thing is OP stated himself that he has dated his wife for 8 years before he married her which would have made her kids young at the time the started dating. He should be familiar with these kids more than just a friend. That's how you view children you frequently babysit not your own step kids. When you marry someone with kids it is understood that you are to become a family. I'm not saying he has to love his step kids like his own daughter but certainly his wife and step kids should be on a higher pedestal then some brother of his.

You take care of your own family/ house hold first. When those kids are staying with him that is their household a marriage is a partnership.

Also yes divorce can happen but you don't put your brother over your wife in the order of priorities because she can possibly divorce you. If anything you should work harder at nurturing your relationship with your spouse because that's the person you are having or possibly creating a family with. Maybe that's why the divorce rate it so high because people don't grow up and continue to put other family members ahead of their spouse.

To all saying the brother is forever. Well maybe if more people viewed marriage that way it would be better. Also no I know plenty of people who don't talk to their own blood sibling either. My dad being one of them. So no blood and sibling doesn't guarantee forever either.

If my husband put his brother or anyone else besides our dependent child ahead of our marriage I would quite literally tell him to start sharing a bed with his brother, go live with his brother, while he is at it make vows to his brother.

I would expect my husband to laugh me out of the room and do the same if I wanted to preserve another relationship over our marriage and put it first.

His household consists of his daughter, his wife, and his stepkids while they are living there not his brother. His brother isn't his immediate family but rather extended family but his daughter and wife is so it's time to prioritize them and stop being so protective and concerned over his relationship with his brother a grown man that probably has a family of his own over preserving and protecting his relationship with his own wife.

+1000

Why do people act like he owes his brother something. What does he owe his brother over his own wife?

I agree with much of what you are saying, but I think most people would consider siblings “immediate” family. I mean I wouldn’t put my siblings above my spouse, but I’m also not going to disown my siblings over some clearly spouse shenanigans.

I don't mean disown your sibling. I always thought when you get married though you are forming your own immediate family and everyone else becomes extended. You are no longer living with your sibling your spouse and any children you may have become your immediate family.

I was responding to the posters who were saying that a brother should be put ahead of the wife because that's his brother. Well that's his wife.

Nobody is saying put the brother first but the wife has undermined the husband and gone behind his back to make a ludicrous demand of his brother. OP doesn't have to support his wife over his brother when she's in the wrong just because they are married. Wrong is wrong. The only people defending the wife have to be step mothers who want to pretend their blended families are exactly the same as families where everyone is biologically related. One big happy family, right?

I mean yeah what's wrong with wanting one big happy family. Again with needing to be biologically related nonsense to be a family. Blood and biology doesn't mean anything when it comes to love. What about adopted kids?

Very good point. The OP's wife should therefore offer to pay for Dubai vacations fir her daughters, OP's daughter, and the aunt and uncle.

I think she did. Or she at least offered to pay for her daughters. That’s why he told he that it wasn’t about money. It was because he doesn’t like her or her kids.

Are you John Fetterman? Because if what you got out of this thread is that wife offered to pay for her daughters, you must have a TBI.

If she doesn’t expect her husband to pay for her daughters, why would she expect her brother in law to?

DP. But why would she send her teenage girls out of the country with two adults they barely know? That’s just such a dangerous and unwise decision.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The wife was clearly and very obviously out of line to text the BIL.

I am so shocked though that so many people think the OP should put his brother first. They aren't children and this is his wife not his girlfriend. Your spouse besides your children should be #1. Why does he owe his brother more loyalty than his own wife the one he made marriage vows to. The one he makes life decisions with and wakes up every morning next to?

The only person I could understand him putting before his wife is his daughter because he helped to create her and she is still a dependent on her dad. His brother isn't any of those things. He is just another guy with most likely a family of his own. You get married and create your own nuclear family.

While the wife certainly shouldn't expect her BIL to treat her kids on an extravagant vacation she isn't out of line to expect that her kids do get treated equally within their own household.

My thing is OP stated himself that he has dated his wife for 8 years before he married her which would have made her kids young at the time the started dating. He should be familiar with these kids more than just a friend. That's how you view children you frequently babysit not your own step kids. When you marry someone with kids it is understood that you are to become a family. I'm not saying he has to love his step kids like his own daughter but certainly his wife and step kids should be on a higher pedestal then some brother of his.

You take care of your own family/ house hold first. When those kids are staying with him that is their household a marriage is a partnership.

Also yes divorce can happen but you don't put your brother over your wife in the order of priorities because she can possibly divorce you. If anything you should work harder at nurturing your relationship with your spouse because that's the person you are having or possibly creating a family with. Maybe that's why the divorce rate it so high because people don't grow up and continue to put other family members ahead of their spouse.

To all saying the brother is forever. Well maybe if more people viewed marriage that way it would be better. Also no I know plenty of people who don't talk to their own blood sibling either. My dad being one of them. So no blood and sibling doesn't guarantee forever either.

If my husband put his brother or anyone else besides our dependent child ahead of our marriage I would quite literally tell him to start sharing a bed with his brother, go live with his brother, while he is at it make vows to his brother.

I would expect my husband to laugh me out of the room and do the same if I wanted to preserve another relationship over our marriage and put it first.

His household consists of his daughter, his wife, and his stepkids while they are living there not his brother. His brother isn't his immediate family but rather extended family but his daughter and wife is so it's time to prioritize them and stop being so protective and concerned over his relationship with his brother a grown man that probably has a family of his own over preserving and protecting his relationship with his own wife.

+1000

Why do people act like he owes his brother something. What does he owe his brother over his own wife?

I agree with much of what you are saying, but I think most people would consider siblings “immediate” family. I mean I wouldn’t put my siblings above my spouse, but I’m also not going to disown my siblings over some clearly spouse shenanigans.

I don't mean disown your sibling. I always thought when you get married though you are forming your own immediate family and everyone else becomes extended. You are no longer living with your sibling your spouse and any children you may have become your immediate family.

I was responding to the posters who were saying that a brother should be put ahead of the wife because that's his brother. Well that's his wife.

Nobody is saying put the brother first but the wife has undermined the husband and gone behind his back to make a ludicrous demand of his brother. OP doesn't have to support his wife over his brother when she's in the wrong just because they are married. Wrong is wrong. The only people defending the wife have to be step mothers who want to pretend their blended families are exactly the same as families where everyone is biologically related. One big happy family, right?

I mean yeah what's wrong with wanting one big happy family. Again with needing to be biologically related nonsense to be a family. Blood and biology doesn't mean anything when it comes to love. What about adopted kids?

Very good point. The OP's wife should therefore offer to pay for Dubai vacations fir her daughters, OP's daughter, and the aunt and uncle.

I think she did. Or she at least offered to pay for her daughters. That’s why he told he that it wasn’t about money. It was because he doesn’t like her or her kids.

Are you John Fetterman? Because if what you got out of this thread is that wife offered to pay for her daughters, you must have a TBI.

If she doesn’t expect her husband to pay for her daughters, why would she expect her brother in law to?

DP. But why would she send her teenage girls out of the country with two adults they barely know? That’s just such a dangerous and unwise decision.

She’s known them for seven years, and it’s her brother and sister in law. Whatever OP is saying here, where they somehow aren’t “really” a blended family, these are all people who know each other quite well.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP the disturbing pattern here is that you didn’t stand up for anyone except your daughter—including yourself.

Your wife is 100% wrong.

Your brother is 100% right BUT he did disrespect your wife and family in the way he expressed it bc he knew full well the problems that would create for you and how now you won’t be able to have him over at your house. He doesn’t like your wife, fine: he doesn’t get to say so. And he certainly doesn’t get to insult your step kids. He gets to say no. You chose this woman and these kids and made them your family and yes, your loyalty should be to them not your brother. That’s not to say She isn’t wrong. She is. But he can say no without degrading your family. OTOH you wife is absolutely trying to sabotage this relationship and your daughter’s relationship with her uncle, and you need to defend that to the teeth.

So:
1) you didn’t defend your wife against your brother
2) you didn’t defend your daughter against your wife
3) you didn’t defend yourself against your wife and have been sleeping on the sofa.

Your wife is the common denominator and source of these problems. However, she’s your wife now, and you need to defend your own family and yourself.

BIL did not insult the wife or stepchildren. He said he did not like them when she asked why he would not agree to pay for them.

She didn’t ask him to pay for them. Where are you getting that?

She asked him to take them but did not offer to pay for it. Put 2+2 together.

OP didn’t say that she didn’t offer to pay for it. Why wouldn’t she? She pays for everything else for her kids.

Who cares if the wife offered to pay or not. The brother is still not obligated to be responsible for her children on an overseas trip, a trip to Cali, or a trip to Walmart. He doesn't like her kids, he doesn't have to take them anywhere.

You’re right. The brother doesn’t like the wife and kids, and he doesn’t have to. The OP should just tell him that if he can’t get along with his wife and kids, then he isn’t welcome in their home anymore.
Then it’s up to the wife to decide if/when it’s okay for him to come over again.

That’s hilarious. And not going to happen.

Princess wife needs to take a seat.

[Anonymous]

I don't see a problem with it. It's similar to families where the kids have different godparents. Each set of godparents may treat "their" godchild individually. If the parents want to equalize treatment for their other kids, that's up to them.

[Anonymous]

I am on BIL team!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:The wife was clearly and very obviously out of line to text the BIL.

I am so shocked though that so many people think the OP should put his brother first. They aren't children and this is his wife not his girlfriend. Your spouse besides your children should be #1. Why does he owe his brother more loyalty than his own wife the one he made marriage vows to. The one he makes life decisions with and wakes up every morning next to?

The only person I could understand him putting before his wife is his daughter because he helped to create her and she is still a dependent on her dad. His brother isn't any of those things. He is just another guy with most likely a family of his own. You get married and create your own nuclear family.

While the wife certainly shouldn't expect her BIL to treat her kids on an extravagant vacation she isn't out of line to expect that her kids do get treated equally within their own household.

My thing is OP stated himself that he has dated his wife for 8 years before he married her which would have made her kids young at the time the started dating. He should be familiar with these kids more than just a friend. That's how you view children you frequently babysit not your own step kids. When you marry someone with kids it is understood that you are to become a family. I'm not saying he has to love his step kids like his own daughter but certainly his wife and step kids should be on a higher pedestal then some brother of his.

You take care of your own family/ house hold first. When those kids are staying with him that is their household a marriage is a partnership.

Also yes divorce can happen but you don't put your brother over your wife in the order of priorities because she can possibly divorce you. If anything you should work harder at nurturing your relationship with your spouse because that's the person you are having or possibly creating a family with. Maybe that's why the divorce rate it so high because people don't grow up and continue to put other family members ahead of their spouse.

To all saying the brother is forever. Well maybe if more people viewed marriage that way it would be better. Also no I know plenty of people who don't talk to their own blood sibling either. My dad being one of them. So no blood and sibling doesn't guarantee forever either.

If my husband put his brother or anyone else besides our dependent child ahead of our marriage I would quite literally tell him to start sharing a bed with his brother, go live with his brother, while he is at it make vows to his brother.

I would expect my husband to laugh me out of the room and do the same if I wanted to preserve another relationship over our marriage and put it first.

His household consists of his daughter, his wife, and his stepkids while they are living there not his brother. His brother isn't his immediate family but rather extended family but his daughter and wife is so it's time to prioritize them and stop being so protective and concerned over his relationship with his brother a grown man that probably has a family of his own over preserving and protecting his relationship with his own wife.

+1000

Why do people act like he owes his brother something. What does he owe his brother over his own wife?

I agree with much of what you are saying, but I think most people would consider siblings “immediate” family. I mean I wouldn’t put my siblings above my spouse, but I’m also not going to disown my siblings over some clearly spouse shenanigans.

I don't mean disown your sibling. I always thought when you get married though you are forming your own immediate family and everyone else becomes extended. You are no longer living with your sibling your spouse and any children you may have become your immediate family.

I was responding to the posters who were saying that a brother should be put ahead of the wife because that's his brother. Well that's his wife.

Nobody is saying put the brother first but the wife has undermined the husband and gone behind his back to make a ludicrous demand of his brother. OP doesn't have to support his wife over his brother when she's in the wrong just because they are married. Wrong is wrong. The only people defending the wife have to be step mothers who want to pretend their blended families are exactly the same as families where everyone is biologically related. One big happy family, right?

I mean yeah what's wrong with wanting one big happy family. Again with needing to be biologically related nonsense to be a family. Blood and biology doesn't mean anything when it comes to love. What about adopted kids?

Very good point. The OP's wife should therefore offer to pay for Dubai vacations fir her daughters, OP's daughter, and the aunt and uncle.

I think she did. Or she at least offered to pay for her daughters. That’s why he told he that it wasn’t about money. It was because he doesn’t like her or her kids.

Are you John Fetterman? Because if what you got out of this thread is that wife offered to pay for her daughters, you must have a TBI.

If she doesn’t expect her husband to pay for her daughters, why would she expect her brother in law to?

DP. But why would she send her teenage girls out of the country with two adults they barely know? That’s just such a dangerous and unwise decision.

She’s known them for seven years, and it’s her brother and sister in law. Whatever OP is saying here, where they somehow aren’t “really” a blended family, these are all people who know each other quite well.

But she obviously barely knows them if she didn’t realize they don’t like her or her kids. So again why would she think sending her two girls with essentially a strange man that they aren’t related to to a foreign country would be a good idea? So many things could go wrong.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:And, you OP have responsibility to protect relationship of your daughter with her blood aunt or uncle and not let money grabber greedy stepdaughter mess it up

Right because blood is automatically always more important than your relationship with your spouse...

I would definitely put my daughter before my spouse who was trying to drive a wedge between us. Spouse is easily replaced.

I'm not referring to the daughter I'm referring to his brother. Why does he owe his brother loyalty over the woman he chose to marry??

Everyone here seems to say his relationship with his brother is more important than his relationship with his wife. Your wife is now your immediate family and after marriage your siblings become extended family

Think it through, if you shut down the trips with the loving aunt and uncle you risk alienating the daughter. It's all related. OP has only been married 6 months and the wife is pulling the bait and switch. She knew about these trips, and now she's trying to change the rules to her benefit. I wouldn't jeopardize my relationship with my daughter for a duplicitous spouse.

6 months or 60 years you are still married just the same. Don't marry someone with kids if you put your relationship with your brother over the relationship with your step kids.

You know marriages can be ended with divorce, right? The daughter is forever the spouse is not.

I'm talking about the brother. You should owe your wife and children a little more than your sibling

Mmkay. Then the BROTHER is forever. The spouse is not.

I'm so shocked everyone on here thinks the brother should be more important than your own spouse. Do you create a family with your sibling? Did you make vows with your sibling? You literally create vows with your spouse not your sibling. Once married you are creating your own nuclear family and putting them first.

Would you expect your own spouse to put their sibling ahead of you just based on principle that they are your sibling?

Those vows are worth nothing. They are dispensed with when they are inconvenient. You don’t need vows with siblings because they remain your sibling no matter what. Same with parents.

Considering the OP and his evil wife were both previously married, it is laughable to talk about “vows to put them first”.

This. For all the people saying that spouses are forever, OP and his wife both know that this isn’t true. OP is on his second marriage, his brother is still his brother. I could see this marriage dissolving and OP still having a good relationship with his brother. It’s not nice to talk about, but it’s true.

Ok but he he is still married to his current wife so at this juncture his loyalty should go to his wife over his brother.

“loyalty” does not mean you put up with whatever bullsh*t your spouse pulls. And here, he needs to be loyal to his CHILD first and foremost. That means absolutely not tolerating his wife’s obvious attempt to sabotage her trip and her fanning the flames of jealousy among the children.

Putting the CHILD or children first is the reason so many marriages on this board fail or are sexless.

But the wife is also putting her children first! She spoke to her husband about it he said he disagreed and she decided to go directly to the brother on behalf of her kids.