Reply to My wife is furious with me for not standing up for her when my brother told her off.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The wife was clearly and very obviously out of line to text the BIL.

I am so shocked though that so many people think the OP should put his brother first. They aren't children and this is his wife not his girlfriend. Your spouse besides your children should be #1. Why does he owe his brother more loyalty than his own wife the one he made marriage vows to. The one he makes life decisions with and wakes up every morning next to?

The only person I could understand him putting before his wife is his daughter because he helped to create her and she is still a dependent on her dad. His brother isn't any of those things. He is just another guy with most likely a family of his own. You get married and create your own nuclear family.

While the wife certainly shouldn't expect her BIL to treat her kids on an extravagant vacation she isn't out of line to expect that her kids do get treated equally within their own household.

My thing is OP stated himself that he has dated his wife for 8 years before he married her which would have made her kids young at the time the started dating. He should be familiar with these kids more than just a friend. That's how you view children you frequently babysit not your own step kids. When you marry someone with kids it is understood that you are to become a family. I'm not saying he has to love his step kids like his own daughter but certainly his wife and step kids should be on a higher pedestal then some brother of his.

You take care of your own family/ house hold first. When those kids are staying with him that is their household a marriage is a partnership.

Also yes divorce can happen but you don't put your brother over your wife in the order of priorities because she can possibly divorce you. If anything you should work harder at nurturing your relationship with your spouse because that's the person you are having or possibly creating a family with. Maybe that's why the divorce rate it so high because people don't grow up and continue to put other family members ahead of their spouse.

To all saying the brother is forever. Well maybe if more people viewed marriage that way it would be better. Also no I know plenty of people who don't talk to their own blood sibling either. My dad being one of them. So no blood and sibling doesn't guarantee forever either.

If my husband put his brother or anyone else besides our dependent child ahead of our marriage I would quite literally tell him to start sharing a bed with his brother, go live with his brother, while he is at it make vows to his brother.

I would expect my husband to laugh me out of the room and do the same if I wanted to preserve another relationship over our marriage and put it first.

His household consists of his daughter, his wife, and his stepkids while they are living there not his brother. His brother isn't his immediate family but rather extended family but his daughter and wife is so it's time to prioritize them and stop being so protective and concerned over his relationship with his brother a grown man that probably has a family of his own over preserving and protecting his relationship with his own wife.

[/quote]

+1000

Why do people act like he owes his brother something. What does he owe his brother over his own wife? [/quote]

I agree with much of what you are saying, but I think most people would consider siblings “immediate” family. I mean I wouldn’t put my siblings above my spouse, but I’m also not going to disown my siblings over some clearly spouse shenanigans.[/quote]

I don't mean disown your sibling. I always thought when you get married though you are forming your own immediate family and everyone else becomes extended. You are no longer living with your sibling your spouse and any children you may have become your immediate family.

I was responding to the posters who were saying that a brother should be put ahead of the wife because that's his brother. Well that's his wife.[/quote]

Nobody is saying put the brother first but the wife has undermined the husband and gone behind his back to make a ludicrous demand of his brother. OP doesn't have to support his wife over his brother when she's in the wrong just because they are married. Wrong is wrong. The only people defending the wife have to be step mothers who want to pretend their blended families are exactly the same as families where everyone is biologically related. One big happy family, right?[/quote]

I mean yeah what's wrong with wanting one big happy family. Again with needing to be biologically related nonsense to be a family. Blood and biology doesn't mean anything when it comes to love. What about adopted kids?[/quote]

Very good point.  The OP's wife should therefore offer to pay for Dubai vacations fir her daughters, OP's daughter, and the aunt and uncle.[/quote]

I think she did.  Or she at least offered to pay for her daughters.  That’s why he told he that it wasn’t about money.  It was because he doesn’t like her or her kids.  [/quote]

Are you John Fetterman?  Because if what you got out of this thread is that wife offered to pay for her daughters, you must have a TBI.[/quote]

If she doesn’t expect her husband to pay for her daughters, why would she expect her brother in law to?  [/quote]
DP. But why would she send her teenage girls out of the country with two adults they barely know? That’s just such a dangerous and unwise decision. [/quote]

She’s known them for seven years, and it’s her brother and sister in law.  Whatever OP is saying here, where they somehow aren’t “really” a blended family, these are all people who know each other quite well.

[/quote]
But she obviously barely knows them if she didn’t realize they don’t like her or her kids. So again why would she think sending her two girls with essentially a strange man that they aren’t related to to a foreign country would be a good idea? So many things could go wrong. [/quote]

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