Pressure from estranged grandparents wanting contact with grandkids and me

[Anonymous]

Long story short: I left my parents house in the midst of a physically abusive event when I was 17. (This level of chaos/fighting/hostility was typical of my 17 yrs., but not usually directed at me.) Lived with then-bf's parents until I went to college. Have maintained a relationship with them since. Had no contact with my parents for many years and I avoided them and was kind of afraid of them. With therapy and insight, I overcame the fear and realized that they are not as big and scary as I imagined them to be. I am bigger than they are! (in a psychological sort of way). So, over 25 yrs, I have come to accept phone calls from them (which tend to be one-direct calls). I don't share a lot of info., but I can manage that level of interaction. I don't really have angry feelings toward them.... I wish them a happy life, but we don't have much in common in our outlooks on life (religion, politics). They life about 1500 mi. from me. In past conversations, they have shown no insight or remorse... they either say they want "bygones to be bygones" or that I wasn't a perfect child either. (I was a straight A student who held a job at a dept. store year-round, yes, I had a boyfriend they didn't like, but that was b/c he gave me freedom from them, not b/c he was a bad kid.... no drugs/alcohol; athlete and in the band.)

OK, so we're 25 yrs. later...

For the past couple of years they have been writing letters and inviting me to come for the "annual Christmas dinner." My father's letters are focused on the "bygones be bygones" and then lots of statements that DH and kids (whom they have never met) deserve to meet them and I'm really hurting a lot of people (my kids' aunts/uncles, cousins, grandparents) by holding on to my "issues." They always go through a list of the other grandkids recent visits or activities as evidence that they spend time with them and my siblings.

I feel like I'm being manipulated (again) --- which is their typical way of dealing with people (either buy they off or pressure them with guilt). Of course, it would be ideal for my kids to have an extended family network. I just don't have any affinity for these people (my parents) as they are, we don't have a relationship b/c they only go so deep emotionally, and it would be a huge commitment of time/effort/money to visit b/c of the distance -- and that level of effort is not supported by a close relationship.

I don't think they are physically dangerous now. I think they were stressed out as parents -- bullied and threw tantrums as their way of dealing with the stress and difficulty of parenting too many kids. So, physical safety is not an issue. The emotional hurdle for me to sweep it all under the rug is pretty high and the effort would be great. My outlook on them has been: you live your life, I'll live mine.... the time has passed and we're going different directions... it is what it is.

Am I undervaluing something here by declining their entreaties?

[Anonymous]

No. You are not. They have not expressed remorse or regret or even the smallest level of understanding of what they did to you. Until they do, it's just going to be a clusterfuck of emotional abuse.

Stay strong and stay gone.

[Anonymous]

If they want to connect so much, why don't they make the effort to come your way--to a hotel of course.

[Anonymous]

Are you estranged from your sibs and their kids too?

[Anonymous]

I also had a very difficult family as a teenager and saw very little of my parents when I was a young adult. What stands out for me in your description of your recent contact with your family is that they haven't offered any apologies or remorse, or even acknowledged their bad behavior, instead it's all about how you are a bad person if you don't allow them contact. Personally, in your situation, I would not re-establish contact. It sounds like you would be returning to a less volatile, but still very negative situation. Maybe you would subject yourself to that, but why subject your husband and child. I have re-established with my parents, but they have now returned to being the kind, loving people I remember from my early childhood.

Good luck, it's really hard to find the right balance with difficult family members.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any relationship with your siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they want to connect so much, why don't they make the effort to come your way--to a hotel of course.

They did (on one of those old people bus tours), but I was still afraid of them at that point, didn't want them to know about my life (info. is power to them), it was very difficult for me to get off work at that time b/c of shift work, etc. They would come if I wanted them to - it would be the highlight of their year and they would tell all the people in their small town about it and use it as proof that they are successful parents. I think the fact that I don't come to anything is the one crack in what they have otherwise portrayed as a successful family (which is totally a facade).

As for my siblings -- there are many -- I have neutral/positive relationships with some, and others I haven't seen in 25 yrs. Distance. Different lives. Some have cut their children off from the GPs for awhile as punishment for GPs' manipulative behavior with the grandkids. One sister is manic/depressive and received the brunt of the hostilities/abuse growing up. The oldest brother also received a lot. Neither is married so they go to holiday events b/c they have nothing else. The only other ones with kids are brothers (who on the whole, did not receive a lot of abuse -- they were valued for helping on the farm). Their ability to interact with the parents is a little easier, although they and their wives still have to deal with the emotional manipulation.

[Anonymous]

OP here --In regard to the siblings -- we learned early on that you have to look out for yourself. We didn't grow up learning to have close relationships with each other. You had to protect your own interests b/c no one else would (including our mother --- which is what I learned on the day that I left and she shouted "this is all your fault" when I was the one getting hit.) I had brothers on either side of me and my sisters were separated by 5 yrs. older and 8 yrs. younger. I was the middle child. I would sing songs about wanting to be an only child.

I am glad that my siblings have made good lives for themselves (no one in jail!). Some I would contact on email or phone, others it would be holiday card update onnly, one I don't have an address and wouldn't contact just b/c we don't know each other. There have been ups and downs with a couple b/c you can see we don't have the best skills when it comes to social interactions!

[Anonymous]

I think the only way this would work is if you accept them for who they are. Have low to no expectations. Be ready to leave at a moment's notice. And then see if this is a relationship you want to pursue or not. You may be surprised and things may go better than you expect. Or things may be more of the same and you gave it a try and never look back.

I have a similar story to you and left my parents at 17 to live with a friend. It was also " all my fault" and they clearly didn't even care i was gone. We didn't speak for years. THen my mom was always trying to give me money. We actually had a big blow-up once and it was terrible, but maybe it needed to happen. She tried to justify the abuse ( and i think she may even feel it was justified, not sure). So that was the end of that again and I didn't speak to them for a while. And then years later I visited on a holiday with my boyfriend ( now husband). They were very welcoming and wanted to make an effort. And now I see them somewhat regularly and my kids love them. THey are very nice to my kids ( which is weird because of how they treated me when I was a kid), but i'm glad they are nice to my kids. And it's better than it was and I'm glad we have a relationship. I try to love them for who they are and make the best of things. I don't let them babysit my kids or get too involved. I want them to be happy and if I can add to that happiness then it makes me happy to do so. Boundaries are set with me. If things ever changed then I would cut it off. It's definitely not a normal situation, but it is surprisingly getting more normal. My brother and I have talked about it and he thinks they truly have forgotten or blocked a lot of things out.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for what happened to you, OP. My mother was in a similar abusive situation when she grew up and her relationship with her parents later in life was practically non-existent. They, too, were absolutely unapologetic.

So don't give too much of yourself. If you feel you want to give it a try and visit them, you can do that. If not, don't feel in any way guilty. Personally, I would tell them straight up I need a sincere apology from them before anything else happens.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I realize they do not have insight and never will. I have accepted that and that's why I can have a surface-level phone relationship with them. I do not need their apologies to feel better in my life. It is what it is.

I guess there are two issues tugging at me: (1) will my kids wish they could see their roots for themselve (like adopted kids often want to see their biological relative)-- b/c I am denying them that; and (2) if I ever met with them, I would feel like I will be playing along in their charade that all is bright and happy when my memories are quite grim and their marriage was a disaster that we were forced to witness.

On the other hand, I realize that my kids' limited understanding of extended family is collateral damage to the choice I make with regard to my parents. How do I evaluate that compared to my contentment with the situation as it is (distance = good).




(When my younger sister heard that they were having a 50th anniversary party last year she said to me "is this a celebration or commisseration?". That pretty much sums it up. They threw themselves the anniversary party.)

[Anonymous]

I really wouldn't see them. And I am in the same boat as you (I also left the house at 17).

It's not worth the emotional turmoil to you, and I don't think your kids will be that curious about their roots. I am trying to figure out how to explain why we will never know Grandpa and Grandma myself, but it's a conversation worth having rather than having these people in my life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I tend to be someone who thinks you make effort to maintain family relationships. That said, two things really stand out from your posts.

1. Your parents refuse to acknowledge, let alone apologize for their abuse.

2. Your siblings have had to cut your parents off from their own children due to your parents' emotional manipulation of their grandchildren.

Given those two factors, I don't see any net benefit to trying to reestablish a relationship. Quite the contrary. It sounds like your parents are still capable of hurting children. Continue to protect your children from them. It doesn't sound like they are missing out on anything good.

When they're older, you can fill them in on your family history and why you made the decisions that you did. I am getting some of that history now from my mother, and it's valuable for the insight it provides into her and her life but I didn't need it when I was a kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, to put it bluntly, why would you subject your beautiful, sweet and innocent children to these people? Your parents didn't protect you. Don't repeat their mistake with your own children. Protect them fiercely. You have worked too hard to fall back into their trap. Honestly? I would cut them out completely until you are stronger in your resolve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I realize they do not have insight and never will. I have accepted that and that's why I can have a surface-level phone relationship with them. I do not need their apologies to feel better in my life. It is what it is.

I guess there are two issues tugging at me: (1) will my kids wish they could see their roots for themselve (like adopted kids often want to see their biological relative)-- b/c I am denying them that; and (2) if I ever met with them, I would feel like I will be playing along in their charade that all is bright and happy when my memories are quite grim and their marriage was a disaster that we were forced to witness.

On the other hand, I realize that my kids' limited understanding of extended family is collateral damage to the choice I make with regard to my parents. How do I evaluate that compared to my contentment with the situation as it is (distance = good).




(When my younger sister heard that they were having a 50th anniversary party last year she said to me "is this a celebration or commisseration?". That pretty much sums it up. They threw themselves the anniversary party.)

OP, what I have seen others do is to try to establish "roots" with a sibling, aunt, uncle, or cousin(s). That or those individuals represent the "family connection." Caution: This usually works only if those select relatives are willing to respect your boundaries (privacy and distance from parents).