Reply to Pressure from estranged grandparents wanting contact with grandkids and me

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[quote=Anonymous]Long story short:  I left my parents house in the midst of a physically abusive event when I was 17.  (This level of chaos/fighting/hostility was typical of my 17 yrs., but not usually directed at me.)  Lived with then-bf's parents until I went to college.  Have maintained a relationship with them since.  Had no contact with my parents for many years and I avoided them and was kind of afraid of them.  With therapy and insight, I overcame the fear and realized that they are not as big and scary as I imagined them to be.  I am bigger than they are! (in a psychological sort of way).  So, over 25 yrs, I have come to accept phone calls from them (which tend to be one-direct calls).  I don't share a lot of info., but I can manage that level of interaction.  I don't really have angry feelings toward them.... I wish them a happy life, but we don't have much in common in our outlooks on life (religion, politics).  They life about 1500 mi. from me.  In past conversations, they have shown no insight or remorse... they either say they want "bygones to be bygones" or that I wasn't a perfect child either.  (I was a straight A student who held a job at a dept. store year-round, yes, I had a boyfriend they didn't like, but that was b/c he gave me freedom from them, not b/c he was a bad kid.... no drugs/alcohol; athlete and in the band.)

OK, so we're 25 yrs. later...

For the past couple of years they have been writing letters and inviting me to come for the "annual Christmas dinner."  My father's letters are focused on the "bygones be bygones" and then lots of statements that DH and kids (whom they have never met) deserve to meet them and I'm really hurting a lot of people (my kids' aunts/uncles, cousins, grandparents) by holding on to my "issues."  They always go through a list of the other grandkids recent visits or activities as evidence that they spend time with them and my siblings.

I feel like I'm being manipulated (again) --- which is their typical way of dealing with people (either buy they off or pressure them with guilt).  Of course, it would be ideal for my kids to have an extended family network.  I just don't have any affinity for these people (my parents) as they are, we don't have a relationship b/c they only go so deep emotionally, and it would be a huge commitment of time/effort/money to visit b/c of the distance -- and that level of effort is not supported by a close relationship.

I don't think they are physically dangerous now.  I think they were stressed out as parents -- bullied and threw tantrums as their way of dealing with the stress and difficulty of parenting too many kids.  So, physical safety is not an issue.  The emotional hurdle for me to sweep it all under the rug is pretty high and the effort would be great.  My outlook on them has been:  you live your life, I'll live mine.... the time has passed and we're going different directions... it is what it is.

Am I undervaluing something here by declining their entreaties?[/quote]

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