Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I, for one, learned a tremendous amount from my DC's preschool teachers. Because they have degrees in child development, unlike myself!

And many of us prefer to learn about our children and their needs by actually raising them. So- sounds like everyone's happy!

Do you raise them, PP, or is that solely your wife's job? Is she your equal partner or do you, with your "millions," call all the shots in family decision-making?

I'm the wife and I'm the one with the millions. Regardless we are joint partners and because I SAH and he works from home he is able to spend even more time with the kids than if I worked a job I don't need to impress DCUM.

Why does your husband even need to work if you have millions? Wouldn't it be better for your children to have both parents SAH?

My prenup protects my trust. He'd be stupid to not work/have retirement savings/benefits etc.

LOL! I don't buy that he can work from every single day and make millions.

Another wohm with no reading comprehension. Is that what she said? No, she stated that she had independent wealth of her own. Her millions are hers. Or don't you "buy" that women can have wealth?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Look, I'm sure kids are appreciative of having a parent dedicated to the home and their needs. But my kids are proud of having a mom who is accomplished outside of the home and are happy to have a nice home jointly run by mom and dad. Whatever works for your family!

+1

I hear kids at preschool all of the time asking their nannies or caregivers "why can't mommy pick me up?" or "why does mommy have to work?" or the worst, when another child asked me "why don't I have a mom on the field trip?" Kids notice these things. Whether is affects them long term or not, we won't really ever know.

and older kids say "why don't you work" "what do you do all day" "why are you so lazy" "your not using your education" "how hard is it to make a healthy dinner" "ugh Larla's mom is on the field trip today AGAIN" "Hey, Larla, mommy's at school today, maybe she will sit with you at lunch" "Hey Larla, glad your mom did your science project for you looks great"

kids say all kinds of stupid things.

It's when adults like you say them that you seem so pathetic.

My husband and I were both raised by SAHP and have nothing but the utmost respect for who and what they are and how they have contributed to our lives.

Seeing my mom raise 3 kids and volunteer the last word I ever thought was "lazy".

You have preschoolers, so you have no experience with teens. This is what they say.

No- my kids are all in school, ages 11-6. And no- I don't have teens, but I WAS a teen and never had those feelings towards my mom. Nor did my husband, which is why we chose the SAHP model.

If YOUR teens have that attitude about SAHP perhaps they are getting it from you.

My teens don't say those things because I work. I am talking about my neighbors teens, stuff written on DCUM... the ex-nurse whose son said she did not make it to her full potential, etc.

You are delusional if you don't think kids (preschool and teens) don't say shitty things to and about their parents.

I did not say I agree with the shitty things but the ridiculousness you are saying about preschoolers is just that ridiculous. Kids say all kind of crazy shit... you take that to heart. You are insecure.

I never said kids don't say shitty things. And I wasn't the PP who wrote those things- my kids weren't in daycare so I didn't hear children say those things.

However- if you are insinuating that your children don't say things to you or make judgments about your presence (or lack of) I simply don't believe you. Working isn't a magic bullet to protect you from angsty teenagers.

Yes, kids say stuff to working moms ... but they say them to SAHM too. So what? You are going to change your life and teach your children you change because somebody judges you?

Since my H worked 2nd shift and I worked during the day... I guess they might say why are all moms at the park and my mom isn't... so what? Why do all the kids have moms at the park and I have a dad... so what... my H is going to refuse to take him to the park because my son notices moms are at the park not dads.

My point is ... who cares what kids say... kids say stuff no matter the situation. If I don't work my kid will say "you didn't use your college degree" ... If i do work they say "i am not around" so what?

Shoot one mom's kid said "your only a nurse".... okay so she now needs to go to med school... no.

You can't change your life every time you child make a sideways remark.

The poor little bunnies will be fine either way... working mom... SAHM... park time workring mom... SAHD... military deployments... dads that work so much they never see their kids....... it's all going to work out.

[Anonymous]

Kids say what they feel and I care (deeply) how my kids feel. That's why I believe a parent should be home with them and they deserve two loving involved parents. You can't just pretend that all family situations turn out beautifully.

These parents who never see their kids (I'm talking about the double nanny type families) - we can agree to disagree that that is any way to raise children.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you. It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"

Couldn't have said it better. Dude's perfect example of an idiot. While we're at it , plenty of nannies at least in this area have at least a GED, not exactly what is call uneducated , but if it makes you feel better ..........

[Anonymous]

I hear kids at preschool all of the time asking their nannies or caregivers "why can't mommy pick me up?" or "why does mommy have to work?" or the worst, when another child asked me "why don't I have a mom on the field trip?" Kids notice these things. Whether is affects them long term or not, we won't really ever know.

I work from home at a relatively unchallenging job. I can make most field trips etc.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances would any woman allow a man to not work for 5+ years without small or special needs kids to deal with. If the roles were reverses most of you would utterly without pity.

And under no circumstances do men give birth and care for babies.

+1 million. It's your body that gets ruined, not theirs. It's a shame how we have grown to devalue women for anything but a paycheck.

Last time I checked no one is forcing you to give birth , and abortion is hmm legal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids say what they feel and I care (deeply) how my kids feel. That's why I believe a parent should be home with them and they deserve two loving involved parents. You can't just pretend that all family situations turn out beautifully.

These parents who never see their kids (I'm talking about the double nanny type families) - we can agree to disagree that that is any way to raise children.

So if they say they want you to be like Larla's mom because she is a surgeon and saves lives... you will care deeply about their feelings? and you will change your life because you daughter feels like Larla's mom is better?

You can pretend that your situation will turn out beautifully... but you don't have a crystal ball and most likely your kids will not turn out exactly as you have planned.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you. It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"

Couldn't have said it better. Dude's perfect example of an idiot. While we're at it , plenty of nannies at least in this area have at least a GED, not exactly what is call uneducated , but if it makes you feel better ..........

A GED?? If you think getting a GED makes someone educated, YOU are the idiot. Jesus. Low standards might explain what's going on in this thread....

[Anonymous]

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Why would you not take more leave from your job to cover kid things (doctor, dentist, field trips, etc.) if your wife also worked? I assume she handles 100% because she's AH.

Forgive me for not kneeling at the "must have a SAHP from 0-5" altar. Dual WOHPs can provide a foundation just as important and stable as a SAHP/WOHP family.

I do take leave some times for various child-related things, but I suppose you are right that it is not as much as my wife. It seems crazy though to think that little kids would prefer a more "even" split of times like that if it means having both parents gone almost all the time.

And I'm not expecting you to kneel at any altar. I was just expressing my opinion that one model is superior to another. You disagree. That's fine. Most of the debate came in response to allegations about racism or elitism, and I think that is just defensiveness.

You are really a closed minded asshole, aren't you. You started your little soapbox lecture telling everyone you just wanted to sing the praises of your SAH wife. But really you just wanted to make digs and take stabs at working parents. And your ignorance is clearly coming through in your inability to see something from a different perspective. Let me school you on a couple things:

1. someone having a different opinion than yours (and maybe some proof to back it up) is not called being defensive. it's called having a discussion or argument (I'm going to assume here that your SAH wife is very submissive and wouldn't dare have a differing opinion based on the way you respond to everyone on here who disagrees with you.

2. making generalizations like "both parents gone almost all the time;" "nannies are not educated or thoughtful;" "one SAH parent will always provide superior childcare than [basically anything else]" makes you sound uneducated, ignorant, stubborn and closed minded and takes away from the value of anything else you have to say. In other words (I feel I have to explain this to you since you're a bit...closed minded and unwilling to learn or grow from outside information) when all your arguments are swimming in extremes and generalities and your response to everyone is "you're defensive because I'm right," it makes people not believe the rest of your arguments whether or not they are valid.

3. when 2 parents work, they can generally coordinate their schedules so that their child or children aren't "always gone" but rather spend less time away ( mom spends morning with child/ goes in late/drops kid off late; dad goes in early/picks up child early) Such a schedule will give the child quality time with BOTH parents.

4. Kids with absentee dads generally have a tougher time growing up. Not always and this is different than single parents. Studies indicate that dads that are in the family but absentee cause some trauma to some kids.

5. KIDS ARE DIFFERENT!!! PARENTS ARE DIFFERENT!!!! There are kids that need and crave and develop much better in a social environment for most of the day. There are kids that need and crave and develop much better at home with a parent. There are parents that have a calm and serene and wonderful family when they are intellectually stimulated with work. There are parents that are more calm and serene and wonderful family when a parent is home to manage the household and family. One way is NO BETTER than the other.

6. some parents would love to stay home but can't. You're an ASSHOLE for telling them their childrearing is subpar. Some parents would love to get into the workforce and can't. You making your stupid generalizations don't help them. And some parents are doing what they want because they can. You do not know that your situation is superior to any of those situations and you just saying that is useless banter.

Have I cleared that up for you?

No real investment in this fight here, but you are hilariously defensive. The bolded statement really seems to get at what has you so worked up. You are offended that someone said that one way of doing things is better than another. I suspect that if someone said that having two WOH parents is superior, you wouldn't be so worked up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you. It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"

Couldn't have said it better. Dude's perfect example of an idiot. While we're at it , plenty of nannies at least in this area have at least a GED, not exactly what is call uneducated , but if it makes you feel better ..........

A GED?? If you think getting a GED makes someone educated, YOU are the idiot. Jesus. Low standards might explain what's going on in this thread....

I think what's missing here is that education isn't necessary to care for very young children. It just isn't. Babies and toddlers need consistency, a calm and structured environment, and kindness. I agree with the others who say you don't have to love a child like a parent to provide that. (And here comes supposed DH pp with "if YOU don't think YOU can take care of YOUR kid better than anyone ..." - ha!)

Like others, I believe that two working parents with reasonable hours who share kid and household responsibilities equal is the healthiest environment for kids. This isn't possible for everyone, which I get, but that's my ideal and it's working out excellently for my family. And my boys don't see Daddy working while Mommy makes his martini.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Why would you not take more leave from your job to cover kid things (doctor, dentist, field trips, etc.) if your wife also worked? I assume she handles 100% because she's AH.

Forgive me for not kneeling at the "must have a SAHP from 0-5" altar. Dual WOHPs can provide a foundation just as important and stable as a SAHP/WOHP family.

I do take leave some times for various child-related things, but I suppose you are right that it is not as much as my wife. It seems crazy though to think that little kids would prefer a more "even" split of times like that if it means having both parents gone almost all the time.

And I'm not expecting you to kneel at any altar. I was just expressing my opinion that one model is superior to another. You disagree. That's fine. Most of the debate came in response to allegations about racism or elitism, and I think that is just defensiveness.

I don't think you are racist or elite. I understand your view that time with a parent is always better than time with a non parent, even if that means one parent hardly sees the kids, and yes, we do disagree on that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to teens and tweens. I have a few advanced degrees and never thought i'd be in this situation. I always thought "what the hell do these women DO all day long?". I've intended to go back for years. But the truth of the matter is that I don't know where to begin. I've been out of the workforce for 15+ years. It's a completely different world out there. I didn't keep in touch with old colleagues. Also, my children are very active in sports - they all play at least one, up to three travel/select sports, plus high school sports each season. I start driving children around at 4:15pm and conclude around 10pm, every single day. I'm sometimes in my car up to 6 hours a night. I can't imagine doing that after a full day of work. Not to mention all of the things that people who work during the week do on the weekends, I can't do. Dry cleaning, grocery store, hardware store, Target, whatever.... I'm usually at a gym/field/court/etc. And that is sometimes 6am-8pm. Could my kids cut back on activities, sure. But if I'm home, they don't need to.

I think may be some resentment , financially, but I also thing that my husband knows the reality is that our household would be a disaster if I worked. AND he'd have to do a LOT more. I get up at 6am every day to make lunches, walk the dogs, etc. If I was working the same hours he was, we'd be sharing that responsibility. I take the kids to school every day - again, he'd have to pitch in on that. Grocery shopping - yep. Carpool - again, yes. I think he does understand that and appreciates it.

I think it sucks on many levels but it is where we are at right now, and I don't really know how to change it.

So, what is your DH doing while you're driving kids around all evening? Staying at home with the other kids? Coming with (so basically he's driving the kids around too?) What is he subject to after his Full day of work? A house that's vacuumed, but a wife who won't be home until 10pm? Doesn't sound like a happy situation to me.

Working. He travels for work often and when he doesn't, he works until at least 8:00pm. Gets home around 8:30 at the earliest. He will pick up a child if he's in town and there is a practice that he can get to.

I should also note that I don't cook or clean that often. We have cleaning help. I cook, but it's not the greatest food because if you aren't home around dinner time, it's kind of hard to make dinner.

So I guess my job is to be a chauffeur from the hours of 4-9, and do the errand of the household during other hours.

Aren't you glad you got a degree to be a chauffeur and errand runner? Sounds fulfilling.

No, you're right. (although judgmental as hell...and it's *multiple degrees* ). That was sort of the point of my rant. I started off being a SAHM when my kids were little because the cost of two in daycare wasn't THAT much more than my salary after taxes and I thought I'd give it a shot, because we could swing it. Almost 16 years later, I'm in a terrible position. I have no one to blame but myself. I own it. But it's extremely challenging to change it now. I really wouldn't know where to even begin. It's a terrible feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you. It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"

Couldn't have said it better. Dude's perfect example of an idiot. While we're at it , plenty of nannies at least in this area have at least a GED, not exactly what is call uneducated , but if it makes you feel better ..........

A GED?? If you think getting a GED makes someone educated, YOU are the idiot. Jesus. Low standards might explain what's going on in this thread....

I think what's missing here is that education isn't necessary to care for very young children. It just isn't. Babies and toddlers need consistency, a calm and structured environment, and kindness. I agree with the others who say you don't have to love a child like a parent to provide that. (And here comes supposed DH pp with "if YOU don't think YOU can take care of YOUR kid better than anyone ..." - ha!)

Like others, I believe that two working parents with reasonable hours who share kid and household responsibilities equal is the healthiest environment for kids. This isn't possible for everyone, which I get, but that's my ideal and it's working out excellently for my family. And my boys don't see Daddy working while Mommy makes his martini.

I agree completely with the first part of your post, that education level does not necessarily correlate with quality of child care, though I would think that all else equal, anyone would prefer more education to less in their childcare worker. At least I'd hope people would! I don't agree with the dig at SAHMs in the second paragraph, and I think it shows the bias or insecurity that underlies your position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So lots of holes in your thinking. First, you pretend to know all about daycare - there are some great, high quality centers and home daycares in this area - but you know nothing, NOTHING about them because the random drop off daycare your non-working wife drops them off at so she can grab her mani-pedi doesn't count. You can't talk about the merits of having a SAHM and be an expert on daycare. Sor.

Also, you conveniently leave out how much it sucks for your kids and you that are a paycheck while your wife "raises" them. Again, can't have it both ways. If working parents are having their kids raised by the lowly daycare staff and nannies who take care of them during working hours then you can't be raising your kids if you work. Many parents who both work actually stagger stuff so they both see the kids a lot - my husband goes in at 9 after kids get on the bus and I'm home by 6 when I don't WFH 2x a week. I'm betting you've never stayed home with a sick kid, gone to a dr. appointment with your kid, or volunteered for a field trip? My husband does and did all the time and you can really see it in his relationship with our kids.

Also, we used high quality daycare at my husband's work for a few years, then switched to a nanny. Our nanny was "uneducated" but she is the kindest, most patient, hardest working woman I know and my kids benefited greatly from her love and experience. She also taught them fluent Spanish. There are so many advantages to having others help raise your kids.

You also have no idea how your wife will feel about all this in 10, 15 years when the kids don't need her as much and she has been out of the workforce for over a decade. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't, but your smugness about it all is not really appropriate at this time.

If your current situation is working for your family, that's swell. But to act like it would be perfect for every family or you just can't fathom why others make different choices, is just silly and makes you look foolish.

Look, I work and will always work because my income is critical to our family. But I do think you're being unnecessarily defensive with the guy by going on the attack. I don't think he's telling you how to do things; he's telling you what worked for him.

My kids have been in daycare and nannycare all their life. Do I think they had great childcare? yes, absolutely. Do I think that I would have provided it better? Absolutely. I love them more than any daycare worker could, and I know more and am more educated than any of their childcare workers. That doesn't mean their teachers have been uneducated, or didn't love them. It just means I love them more, and would have done better. It would have been perfect with me, but that's impossible. So we are going for good, which means high-quality preschools. Good is fine. Good is good. It doesn't hurt my feelings to say excellent is better than good but excellent isn't always possible. We'll live, kids are fine. Again, I don't doubt that your kid had great childcare. But to deny that care given by loving, educated mothers is not the gold standard is..sort of silly. And I know why people bristle at this; we hate the idea that we are giving the kids anything other than the very best. But that's the reality. We, well most of us, cannot achieve the best. We drive acceptable cars, we have acceptable jobs, we live in acceptable houses, there's always more perfect out there. We have it good. Good is fine. It's not as good as perfect or excellent, but that's OK, really.

That's it - it's anathema to say anything less than the best is good enough for our kids. I would never have had kids if becoming a mother meant I had to give up my career. I feel that strongly about WOH. Because of that, we knew we needed long term childcare, and found it with a nanny, who stayed with us until the kids were in full time school. To us, having good but not perfect childcare enabled us to both have careers, and that is meaningful to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to teens and tweens. I have a few advanced degrees and never thought i'd be in this situation. I always thought "what the hell do these women DO all day long?". I've intended to go back for years. But the truth of the matter is that I don't know where to begin. I've been out of the workforce for 15+ years. It's a completely different world out there. I didn't keep in touch with old colleagues. Also, my children are very active in sports - they all play at least one, up to three travel/select sports, plus high school sports each season. I start driving children around at 4:15pm and conclude around 10pm, every single day. I'm sometimes in my car up to 6 hours a night. I can't imagine doing that after a full day of work. Not to mention all of the things that people who work during the week do on the weekends, I can't do. Dry cleaning, grocery store, hardware store, Target, whatever.... I'm usually at a gym/field/court/etc. And that is sometimes 6am-8pm. Could my kids cut back on activities, sure. But if I'm home, they don't need to.

I think may be some resentment , financially, but I also thing that my husband knows the reality is that our household would be a disaster if I worked. AND he'd have to do a LOT more. I get up at 6am every day to make lunches, walk the dogs, etc. If I was working the same hours he was, we'd be sharing that responsibility. I take the kids to school every day - again, he'd have to pitch in on that. Grocery shopping - yep. Carpool - again, yes. I think he does understand that and appreciates it.

I think it sucks on many levels but it is where we are at right now, and I don't really know how to change it.

So, what is your DH doing while you're driving kids around all evening? Staying at home with the other kids? Coming with (so basically he's driving the kids around too?) What is he subject to after his Full day of work? A house that's vacuumed, but a wife who won't be home until 10pm? Doesn't sound like a happy situation to me.

Working. He travels for work often and when he doesn't, he works until at least 8:00pm. Gets home around 8:30 at the earliest. He will pick up a child if he's in town and there is a practice that he can get to.

I should also note that I don't cook or clean that often. We have cleaning help. I cook, but it's not the greatest food because if you aren't home around dinner time, it's kind of hard to make dinner.

So I guess my job is to be a chauffeur from the hours of 4-9, and do the errand of the household during other hours.

Aren't you glad you got a degree to be a chauffeur and errand runner? Sounds fulfilling.

No, you're right. (although judgmental as hell...and it's *multiple degrees* ). That was sort of the point of my rant. I started off being a SAHM when my kids were little because the cost of two in daycare wasn't THAT much more than my salary after taxes and I thought I'd give it a shot, because we could swing it. Almost 16 years later, I'm in a terrible position. I have no one to blame but myself. I own it. But it's extremely challenging to change it now. I really wouldn't know where to even begin. It's a terrible feeling.

Don't beat yourself up! You should feel good about the sacrifice you made for your kids. The sacrifice is still ongoing.

First, you need to cut back on the sports and other extracurriculars. I know from my own family situation that that really eats up a huge amount of time, and I just don't believe it is necessary to be in involved in everything to have healthy, successful kids. I think that high achieving parents often go overboard on activities with their kids, and I do wonder whether there is sufficient marginal value after a while with additional activities.

Second, try volunteering. I know it's actually not that easy to find an interesting volunteer gig, but the DC area has so many non-profits that there is bound to be one that works. Maybe you could find one in your field -- I don't know.