Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My favorite is …. walking the dogs mid morning and in the afternoon and seeing all the "care givers" pushing your little bundles of joy around in their overpriced strollers (which I am sure you work SO hard for) … wait for it … just wait for it … and each and everyone of these "care givers" are always, without fail, on their cell phones and not engaging with YOUR child. You think you child is getting such incredible attention, after all you are paying for it, right? The gentlemen was right, there is NO substitute for a SAHM or SAHD, for the undivided love and attention your child will receive. As usual in this area and on this board, the WORKING women are full of low self esteem and excuses, why don't you check your "care givers" cell phone records to see how much undivided time precious is getting … I think you would be shocked, I know I am every time and everyday I see this in my neighborhood, so sad parents don't want more for their children …. so sad …..

I trust that you only engage with working males? Certainly, you wouldn't insist on a female OBGYN, massage therapist, mental health therapist, stylist, etc... unless they are all childless. And when your expert female OBGYN sutures up your C-section scar in an expert fashion that you admire years later, you'll still judge her different path in life because her little snowflake was taking a walk with the nanny on a cellphone during your procedure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of you posting here have really young kids. My kids are older and I am around a lot of older kids/teens. What I think is that people vastly overvalue SAH vs WOH. I think all things considered, it's a pretty minor factor. I see kids of both SAH and WOH excelling (and I mean in all ways, including emotionally). I also see the opposite.

Things that seem to matter way more than SAH or WOH, as far as I can tell: mental health of family members, family stability, alcoholism, anger issues, marital strife, financial strain, addiction issues. These things transcend WOH or SAH status. SAH/WOH might impact one or the other (like OP who resents his wife) but it's incidental to the real problem.

Those of you who are insistent that one way is best, like the husband posting here, or the WOHMs who talk about SAHMs being bad examples, you sound sort of desperately controlling to me. You are frantically scrabbling for SAH or WOH like it's some sort of magic charm that will make your kids the best. It's just not like that. There aren't magic charms in life and things are really complex.

Couldn't agree more. Also, I think too much attention is paid to preschool years. Yes, bonding and parent attachment is crucial. I decided early on to go, go, go in my career to reach a point where I could negotiate flex hours for the middle & high school years. I'm lucky. Not every career path affords this luxury no matter how hard you work. I may be weird, but I think kids need more parental attention in the middle years vs. elementary age if you have to choose when to devote more face time.

[Anonymous]

Too many DWs out there who parlay an 8-week maternity leave into a 5-year non-work odyssey. DHs are often powerless to stop but resent every month of it. DWs want bi-weekly cleaners and to drive a nice car and to sign up for activities and to volunteer and to start a 529 -- and are full or reasons why it doesn't make sense for her to work. BS! Working sucks but that is why they pay you to do it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to teens and tweens. I have a few advanced degrees and never thought i'd be in this situation. I always thought "what the hell do these women DO all day long?". I've intended to go back for years. But the truth of the matter is that I don't know where to begin. I've been out of the workforce for 15+ years. It's a completely different world out there. I didn't keep in touch with old colleagues. Also, my children are very active in sports - they all play at least one, up to three travel/select sports, plus high school sports each season. I start driving children around at 4:15pm and conclude around 10pm, every single day. I'm sometimes in my car up to 6 hours a night. I can't imagine doing that after a full day of work. Not to mention all of the things that people who work during the week do on the weekends, I can't do. Dry cleaning, grocery store, hardware store, Target, whatever.... I'm usually at a gym/field/court/etc. And that is sometimes 6am-8pm. Could my kids cut back on activities, sure. But if I'm home, they don't need to.

I think may be some resentment , financially, but I also thing that my husband knows the reality is that our household would be a disaster if I worked. AND he'd have to do a LOT more. I get up at 6am every day to make lunches, walk the dogs, etc. If I was working the same hours he was, we'd be sharing that responsibility. I take the kids to school every day - again, he'd have to pitch in on that. Grocery shopping - yep. Carpool - again, yes. I think he does understand that and appreciates it.

I think it sucks on many levels but it is where we are at right now, and I don't really know how to change it.

Why aren't your teens and tweens making their own lunches?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of you posting here have really young kids. My kids are older and I am around a lot of older kids/teens. What I think is that people vastly overvalue SAH vs WOH. I think all things considered, it's a pretty minor factor. I see kids of both SAH and WOH excelling (and I mean in all ways, including emotionally). I also see the opposite.

Things that seem to matter way more than SAH or WOH, as far as I can tell: mental health of family members, family stability, alcoholism, anger issues, marital strife, financial strain, addiction issues. These things transcend WOH or SAH status. SAH/WOH might impact one or the other (like OP who resents his wife) but it's incidental to the real problem.

Those of you who are insistent that one way is best, like the husband posting here, or the WOHMs who talk about SAHMs being bad examples, you sound sort of desperately controlling to me. You are frantically scrabbling for SAH or WOH like it's some sort of magic charm that will make your kids the best. It's just not like that. There aren't magic charms in life and things are really complex.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of you posting here have really young kids. My kids are older and I am around a lot of older kids/teens. What I think is that people vastly overvalue SAH vs WOH. I think all things considered, it's a pretty minor factor. I see kids of both SAH and WOH excelling (and I mean in all ways, including emotionally). I also see the opposite.

Things that seem to matter way more than SAH or WOH, as far as I can tell: mental health of family members, family stability, alcoholism, anger issues, marital strife, financial strain, addiction issues. These things transcend WOH or SAH status. SAH/WOH might impact one or the other (like OP who resents his wife) but it's incidental to the real problem.

Those of you who are insistent that one way is best, like the husband posting here, or the WOHMs who talk about SAHMs being bad examples, you sound sort of desperately controlling to me. You are frantically scrabbling for SAH or WOH like it's some sort of magic charm that will make your kids the best. It's just not like that. There aren't magic charms in life and things are really complex.

Couldn't agree more. Also, I think too much attention is paid to preschool years. Yes, bonding and parent attachment is crucial. I decided early on to go, go, go in my career to reach a point where I could negotiate flex hours for the middle & high school years. I'm lucky. Not every career path affords this luxury no matter how hard you work. I may be weird, but I think kids need more parental attention in the middle years vs. elementary age if you have to choose when to devote more face time.

Completely agree with both pps

[Anonymous]

Growing up, my SAHM was depressed and decidedly not tuned into us. My sisters and I agree that she was actually a much better mother when she started working and having a life outside of just us kids. Her income was not important to the family, if that matters. The idea that every SAHM is some pillar of motherhood is absurd. A lot are watching TV/DCUM and no more tuned in than a nanny on a cell phone.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Look, I'm sure kids are appreciative of having a parent dedicated to the home and their needs. But my kids are proud of having a mom who is accomplished outside of the home and are happy to have a nice home jointly run by mom and dad. Whatever works for your family!

+1

I hear kids at preschool all of the time asking their nannies or caregivers "why can't mommy pick me up?" or "why does mommy have to work?" or the worst, when another child asked me "why don't I have a mom on the field trip?" Kids notice these things. Whether is affects them long term or not, we won't really ever know.

and older kids say "why don't you work" "what do you do all day" "why are you so lazy" "your not using your education" "how hard is it to make a healthy dinner" "ugh Larla's mom is on the field trip today AGAIN" "Hey, Larla, mommy's at school today, maybe she will sit with you at lunch" "Hey Larla, glad your mom did your science project for you looks great"

kids say all kinds of stupid things.

It's when adults like you say them that you seem so pathetic.

My husband and I were both raised by SAHP and have nothing but the utmost respect for who and what they are and how they have contributed to our lives.

Seeing my mom raise 3 kids and volunteer the last word I ever thought was "lazy".

You have preschoolers, so you have no experience with teens. This is what they say.

No- my kids are all in school, ages 11-6. And no- I don't have teens, but I WAS a teen and never had those feelings towards my mom. Nor did my husband, which is why we chose the SAHP model.

If YOUR teens have that attitude about SAHP perhaps they are getting it from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am amazed that some people in this thread are trying to shame women who want to stay at home. That's like trying to shame a man for wanting to avoid monogamy and sleep around - you really can't shame people for extremely strong instinctive imperatives because they are impervious to it.

The majority of women want to be married to someone who makes their lives as carefree as possible. Are they entitled to it? No. But if they can pull it off they are "winning."

If a woman is not naturally career driven (I think most people know this about themselves when they are kids) she should do everything she can to marry a man who can provide as much as possible, in terms of some agreeable combination of $$ and willingness to help with household duties.

You couldn't be anymore wrong about this statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I, for one, learned a tremendous amount from my DC's preschool teachers. Because they have degrees in child development, unlike myself!

I am glad someone said this, I am so tired of people that bash teachers (whether it is private or public school, or daycare). Clearly, some people have no idea what it is like to work in some type of public service industry. Teachers fall into this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances would any woman allow a man to not work for 5+ years without small or special needs kids to deal with. If the roles were reverses most of you would utterly without pity.

And under no circumstances do men give birth and care for babies.

+1 million. It's your body that gets ruined, not theirs. It's a shame how we have grown to devalue women for anything but a paycheck.

Speak for yourself. I'm 51 and my girls still pass the pencil test after 2 kids.

Pencil test? That is new terminology for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I, for one, learned a tremendous amount from my DC's preschool teachers. Because they have degrees in child development, unlike myself!

And many of us prefer to learn about our children and their needs by actually raising them. So- sounds like everyone's happy!

Do you raise them, PP, or is that solely your wife's job? Is she your equal partner or do you, with your "millions," call all the shots in family decision-making?

I'm the wife and I'm the one with the millions. Regardless we are joint partners and because I SAH and he works from home he is able to spend even more time with the kids than if I worked a job I don't need to impress DCUM.

Why does your husband even need to work if you have millions? Wouldn't it be better for your children to have both parents SAH?

My prenup protects my trust. He'd be stupid to not work/have retirement savings/benefits etc.

LOL! I don't buy that he can work from every single day and make millions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Look, I'm sure kids are appreciative of having a parent dedicated to the home and their needs. But my kids are proud of having a mom who is accomplished outside of the home and are happy to have a nice home jointly run by mom and dad. Whatever works for your family!

+1

I hear kids at preschool all of the time asking their nannies or caregivers "why can't mommy pick me up?" or "why does mommy have to work?" or the worst, when another child asked me "why don't I have a mom on the field trip?" Kids notice these things. Whether is affects them long term or not, we won't really ever know.

and older kids say "why don't you work" "what do you do all day" "why are you so lazy" "your not using your education" "how hard is it to make a healthy dinner" "ugh Larla's mom is on the field trip today AGAIN" "Hey, Larla, mommy's at school today, maybe she will sit with you at lunch" "Hey Larla, glad your mom did your science project for you looks great"

kids say all kinds of stupid things.

It's when adults like you say them that you seem so pathetic.

My husband and I were both raised by SAHP and have nothing but the utmost respect for who and what they are and how they have contributed to our lives.

Seeing my mom raise 3 kids and volunteer the last word I ever thought was "lazy".

You have preschoolers, so you have no experience with teens. This is what they say.

No- my kids are all in school, ages 11-6. And no- I don't have teens, but I WAS a teen and never had those feelings towards my mom. Nor did my husband, which is why we chose the SAHP model.

If YOUR teens have that attitude about SAHP perhaps they are getting it from you.

My teens don't say those things because I work. I am talking about my neighbors teens, stuff written on DCUM... the ex-nurse whose son said she did not make it to her full potential, etc.

You are delusional if you don't think kids (preschool and teens) don't say shitty things to and about their parents.

I did not say I agree with the shitty things but the ridiculousness you are saying about preschoolers is just that ridiculous. Kids say all kind of crazy shit... you take that to heart. You are insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances would any woman allow a man to not work for 5+ years without small or special needs kids to deal with. If the roles were reverses most of you would utterly without pity.

And under no circumstances do men give birth and care for babies.

+1 million. It's your body that gets ruined, not theirs. It's a shame how we have grown to devalue women for anything but a paycheck.

Speak for yourself. I'm 51 and my girls still pass the pencil test after 2 kids.

Pencil test? That is new terminology for me.

I think it means her breasts are so small and don't droop/sag that they can't hold a pencil underneath. I remember a looooong time ago that was was the bra test. If you could hold a pencil you needed a bra, if you couldn't you didn't need one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I'm sure kids are appreciative of having a parent dedicated to the home and their needs. But my kids are proud of having a mom who is accomplished outside of the home and are happy to have a nice home jointly run by mom and dad. Whatever works for your family!

+1

I hear kids at preschool all of the time asking their nannies or caregivers "why can't mommy pick me up?" or "why does mommy have to work?" or the worst, when another child asked me "why don't I have a mom on the field trip?" Kids notice these things. Whether is affects them long term or not, we won't really ever know.

and older kids say "why don't you work" "what do you do all day" "why are you so lazy" "your not using your education" "how hard is it to make a healthy dinner" "ugh Larla's mom is on the field trip today AGAIN" "Hey, Larla, mommy's at school today, maybe she will sit with you at lunch" "Hey Larla, glad your mom did your science project for you looks great"

kids say all kinds of stupid things.

It's when adults like you say them that you seem so pathetic.

My husband and I were both raised by SAHP and have nothing but the utmost respect for who and what they are and how they have contributed to our lives.

Seeing my mom raise 3 kids and volunteer the last word I ever thought was "lazy".

You have preschoolers, so you have no experience with teens. This is what they say.

No- my kids are all in school, ages 11-6. And no- I don't have teens, but I WAS a teen and never had those feelings towards my mom. Nor did my husband, which is why we chose the SAHP model.

If YOUR teens have that attitude about SAHP perhaps they are getting it from you.

My teens don't say those things because I work. I am talking about my neighbors teens, stuff written on DCUM... the ex-nurse whose son said she did not make it to her full potential, etc.

You are delusional if you don't think kids (preschool and teens) don't say shitty things to and about their parents.

I did not say I agree with the shitty things but the ridiculousness you are saying about preschoolers is just that ridiculous. Kids say all kind of crazy shit... you take that to heart. You are insecure.

I never said kids don't say shitty things. And I wasn't the PP who wrote those things- my kids weren't in daycare so I didn't hear children say those things.

However- if you are insinuating that your children don't say things to you or make judgments about your presence (or lack of) I simply don't believe you. Working isn't a magic bullet to protect you from angsty teenagers.