Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of when I got no help from my parents after my first was born and my DH and I struggled so much. Then when DC started preschool and we went from paying $30k a year to $22k for childcare, my mom acted all shocked and disappointed that we had decided not to have more. Having kids in this country is too hard, expensive, and dangerous. The younger generations have realized this and are opting out. I don't blame them.

Well I am amazed I am still alive after I told my cousin who had a similar complaint that maybe if your husband got a better job you could stay home with kids and that would solve your day care issue.

As a SAHM, I found this comment amazingly rude, even for DCUM. Time to get out the popcorn!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of when I got no help from my parents after my first was born and my DH and I struggled so much. Then when DC started preschool and we went from paying $30k a year to $22k for childcare, my mom acted all shocked and disappointed that we had decided not to have more. Having kids in this country is too hard, expensive, and dangerous. The younger generations have realized this and are opting out. I don't blame them.

What kind of help did you expect from your parents?

I would love it if somebody got on a plane whenever there is a hospitalization. Over the years we've had vasoepididyomotomy, 3 babies (2 Csecs), 1 laparoscopic Csec isthmocele revision, an emergency gallbladder due to pancreatitis and toddler w/ bronchiolitid has resulted in ZERO parental help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 older siblings so I have lots of nieces and nephews. Very few of them want kids or have kids. Those that do have kids have decided to only have 1.

I don't blame them. Kids are so expensive these days. I have 4 kids who are all 16-23 and if we were just starting out in 2024, I doubt we would have had 4.

They are less expensive in many ways. My block and area has all five bedroom homes. The younger families with 2 kids have three empty bedrooms. Most of their kids go to public school and majority of women are SAHMs or a cushy remote job. They just dont want them.

If you live in a 5 bedroom home (on a block with all other 5b homes), I don't think you understand the realities of the average person trying to afford kids and life. That is not how most people live.

OP doesn't say it's a financial issue for her kids. Or that they want them and feel it's unaffordable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 older siblings so I have lots of nieces and nephews. Very few of them want kids or have kids. Those that do have kids have decided to only have 1.

I don't blame them. Kids are so expensive these days. I have 4 kids who are all 16-23 and if we were just starting out in 2024, I doubt we would have had 4.

They are less expensive in many ways. My block and area has all five bedroom homes. The younger families with 2 kids have three empty bedrooms. Most of their kids go to public school and majority of women are SAHMs or a cushy remote job. They just dont want them.

If you live in a 5 bedroom home (on a block with all other 5b homes), I don't think you understand the realities of the average person trying to afford kids and life. That is not how most people live.

OP doesn't say it's a financial issue for her kids. Or that they want them and feel it's unaffordable.

That comment wasn't directed to OP. If you open the quote chain, you'll see it is related to a different pp discussing the cost of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 older siblings so I have lots of nieces and nephews. Very few of them want kids or have kids. Those that do have kids have decided to only have 1.

I don't blame them. Kids are so expensive these days. I have 4 kids who are all 16-23 and if we were just starting out in 2024, I doubt we would have had 4.

They are less expensive in many ways. My block and area has all five bedroom homes. The younger families with 2 kids have three empty bedrooms. Most of their kids go to public school and majority of women are SAHMs or a cushy remote job. They just dont want them.

If you live in a 5 bedroom home (on a block with all other 5b homes), I don't think you understand the realities of the average person trying to afford kids and life. That is not how most people live.

OP doesn't say it's a financial issue for her kids. Or that they want them and feel it's unaffordable.

I would be renting out those extra bedrooms! I see my immigrant neighbors do it and they are flush with cash.

With 5 bedrooms you could have a live-in housekeeper and nanny and be more available to your own career.

Some people just don't know how to leverage what they already have.

Extrapolate to your own situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe you’ve failed to make parenthood look desirable. Right now, the pervasive cultural message is that parenting is not worth it. It’s portrayed as purely an endless slog with few rewards, with kids being expensive but providing nothing in return. This is compounded by messaging that it’s unethical to even have children due to environmental and political concerns.

Were your kids constantly exposed to this kind of messaging growing up? Did you seem happy to be a parent? Or did they just see sacrifice? Kids will notice if their parents are not enjoying parenting or if they are making disproportionate sacrifices for their kids. This understandably turns lots off parenting. In previous generations kids saw all this but opting out of kids wasn’t a social possibility. Of you want your kids to want kids, you need to demonstrate the value of parenting.

oh please. previous generations had kids because, um, there was not effective birth control and women couldn’t say no.

you know who is opting out? women. because they see that parenting falls heaviest on women.

if you want to change this then look to the MEN.

I’m the pp you’re responding to, and I’m a gender critical feminist, so I couldn’t agree more with you. My response was more about women who would have wanted children anyway even with the knowledge of the gross inequality of the burdens of bearing and raising kids. Truly, you’re preaching to the converted.

But if you see no joy in parenting from your parents, I think it’s pretty rational to see parenting is no fun.

Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ae they actually legitimately married?

I ask that as during Pre-cana it was was clear marriage is for the procreation of life.

I say you adopt.

Not everyone is Catholic!

Still time. More than welcome!

Thanks; no. Your religion is super problematic and probably one of the last ones I’d choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of when I got no help from my parents after my first was born and my DH and I struggled so much. Then when DC started preschool and we went from paying $30k a year to $22k for childcare, my mom acted all shocked and disappointed that we had decided not to have more. Having kids in this country is too hard, expensive, and dangerous. The younger generations have realized this and are opting out. I don't blame them.

What kind of help did you expect from your parents?

I would love it if somebody got on a plane whenever there is a hospitalization. Over the years we've had vasoepididyomotomy, 3 babies (2 Csecs), 1 laparoscopic Csec isthmocele revision, an emergency gallbladder due to pancreatitis and toddler w/ bronchiolitid has resulted in ZERO parental help.

Did you move away from them? Or did you stay to be near them but then they moved away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of when I got no help from my parents after my first was born and my DH and I struggled so much. Then when DC started preschool and we went from paying $30k a year to $22k for childcare, my mom acted all shocked and disappointed that we had decided not to have more. Having kids in this country is too hard, expensive, and dangerous. The younger generations have realized this and are opting out. I don't blame them.

What kind of help did you expect from your parents?

I would love it if somebody got on a plane whenever there is a hospitalization. Over the years we've had vasoepididyomotomy, 3 babies (2 Csecs), 1 laparoscopic Csec isthmocele revision, an emergency gallbladder due to pancreatitis and toddler w/ bronchiolitid has resulted in ZERO parental help.

Did you move away from them? Or did you stay to be near them but then they moved away?

I don’t think it matters. If there’s a surgery, I’d be willing to get on a plane.

[Anonymous]

Are their decisions final? You could gently ask them why they don't want kids--all of my childfree friends are happy to explain if asked politely. If they cite financial reasons, you could offer to help out. If they cite career or time constraints, you could offer free babysitting or even being a free full-time nanny. If you live too far away, you could offer to move closer to provide the free babysitting. If it's space in their homes they're worried about, you could offer to help them find and afford a larger place. You can promise to take care of they kids while they go on 1-2 childfree vacations a year. Obviously, don't do any of this without your children's approval.

I know it seems excessive, but my parents/in-laws offered most of the above to us. We did not take them up on everything, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of when I got no help from my parents after my first was born and my DH and I struggled so much. Then when DC started preschool and we went from paying $30k a year to $22k for childcare, my mom acted all shocked and disappointed that we had decided not to have more. Having kids in this country is too hard, expensive, and dangerous. The younger generations have realized this and are opting out. I don't blame them.

What kind of help did you expect from your parents?

I would love it if somebody got on a plane whenever there is a hospitalization. Over the years we've had vasoepididyomotomy, 3 babies (2 Csecs), 1 laparoscopic Csec isthmocele revision, an emergency gallbladder due to pancreatitis and toddler w/ bronchiolitid has resulted in ZERO parental help.

Did you move away from them? Or did you stay to be near them but then they moved away?

I don’t think it matters. If there’s a surgery, I’d be willing to get on a plane.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of when I got no help from my parents after my first was born and my DH and I struggled so much. Then when DC started preschool and we went from paying $30k a year to $22k for childcare, my mom acted all shocked and disappointed that we had decided not to have more. Having kids in this country is too hard, expensive, and dangerous. The younger generations have realized this and are opting out. I don't blame them.

What kind of help did you expect from your parents?

I would love it if somebody got on a plane whenever there is a hospitalization. Over the years we've had vasoepididyomotomy, 3 babies (2 Csecs), 1 laparoscopic Csec isthmocele revision, an emergency gallbladder due to pancreatitis and toddler w/ bronchiolitid has resulted in ZERO parental help.

Did you move away from them? Or did you stay to be near them but then they moved away?

I don’t think it matters. If there’s a surgery, I’d be willing to get on a plane.

Not everyone can do that. Part of moving away is accepting that you will not have as strong a support network. Plus, some need an explicit request for help and will not offer, but will happily come if asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are their decisions final? You could gently ask them why they don't want kids--all of my childfree friends are happy to explain if asked politely. If they cite financial reasons, you could offer to help out. If they cite career or time constraints, you could offer free babysitting or even being a free full-time nanny. If you live too far away, you could offer to move closer to provide the free babysitting. If it's space in their homes they're worried about, you could offer to help them find and afford a larger place. You can promise to take care of they kids while they go on 1-2 childfree vacations a year. Obviously, don't do any of this without your children's approval.

I know it seems excessive, but my parents/in-laws offered most of the above to us. We did not take them up on everything, of course.

People who don't want kids really don't want kids. Stop trying to get them to change their minds!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are their decisions final? You could gently ask them why they don't want kids--all of my childfree friends are happy to explain if asked politely. If they cite financial reasons, you could offer to help out. If they cite career or time constraints, you could offer free babysitting or even being a free full-time nanny. If you live too far away, you could offer to move closer to provide the free babysitting. If it's space in their homes they're worried about, you could offer to help them find and afford a larger place. You can promise to take care of they kids while they go on 1-2 childfree vacations a year. Obviously, don't do any of this without your children's approval.

I know it seems excessive, but my parents/in-laws offered most of the above to us. We did not take them up on everything, of course.

People who don't want kids really don't want kids. Stop trying to get them to change their minds!

People who have kids tend to adore them and cannot understand others not wanting to experience the joy, even if it comes with challenges. I also think most parents correctly believe that non-parents would have a different feeling if they just had that first kid.

Having said all that, just leave the non-parents alone. People should want kids before having them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are their decisions final? You could gently ask them why they don't want kids--all of my childfree friends are happy to explain if asked politely. If they cite financial reasons, you could offer to help out. If they cite career or time constraints, you could offer free babysitting or even being a free full-time nanny. If you live too far away, you could offer to move closer to provide the free babysitting. If it's space in their homes they're worried about, you could offer to help them find and afford a larger place. You can promise to take care of they kids while they go on 1-2 childfree vacations a year. Obviously, don't do any of this without your children's approval.

I know it seems excessive, but my parents/in-laws offered most of the above to us. We did not take them up on everything, of course.

People who don't want kids really don't want kids. Stop trying to get them to change their minds!

People who have kids tend to adore them and cannot understand others not wanting to experience the joy, even if it comes with challenges. I also think most parents correctly believe that non-parents would have a different feeling if they just had that first kid.

Having said all that, just leave the non-parents alone. People should want kids before having them.

I have kids and can absolutely understand that others don’t want them and would never think they should be convinced otherwise.

Some PPs on this thread are crazy like JD Vance, thinking people without kids are somehow less than.