Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.

[Anonymous]

DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

[Anonymous]

In what way have you failed? I don't understand.

[Anonymous]

How is not having selfish? Are you more selfish than me since I have more kids?

[Anonymous]

Why is this selfish?

Sounds like you raised kids who know what they want and are willing to buck societal/social pressure to live their lives, which is a good thing. Lots of people don't really want kids but do it because it's expected or because it never occurred to them to do something else; why would you want that for your kids.

Their choices on this has nothing to do with you. Stop making it about you.

[Anonymous]

Honestly with the way the world is, better not to bring children into this mess.

[Anonymous]

I would feel sad, too, Op. I think your feelings are normal.

[Anonymous]

Instead of judging >> you, your kids, it sounds like you need to grieve the life you thought you'd be living with grandchildren. Just sit with the sadness without placing blame.

[Anonymous]

Wow, way to make it all about you.

I don't understand why parents are often so into their kids having kids. They are more likely to be around to help with your elder care if they aren't busy with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would feel sad, too, Op. I think your feelings are normal.

Being disappointed is normal. Feeling like a failure and calling her kids selfish is not.

[Anonymous]

I'm 11:29 and anger is usually a mask for sadness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, way to make it all about you.

I don't understand why parents are often so into their kids having kids. They are more likely to be around to help with your elder care if they aren't busy with kids.

I've always assumed they are the type who had no lives outside their kids and now need grandchildren since their kids are older and don't need them.

[Anonymous]

I suggest therapy. This type of thinking isn’t making you feel good and you might benefit from counseling to overcome it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggest therapy. This type of thinking isn’t making you feel good and you might benefit from counseling to overcome it.

I will add this as gently as I can. Your kids may not want children due how they were parented.

I had a mentally ill mother and she was mostly terrible. For years, I had no desire for kids because I didn’t want to pass on the trauma and illness.

Only after many years did I have children and only after I had kids did my older sister start to have kids.

So you might start by examining yourself.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess OP. You were the type of mom who guilted their kids when they didn't do what you wanted them to do.

[Anonymous]

Feeling sad about this, sure. Calling them selfish and making proclamations that you are a failure is pure delusion.

Your DD has been telling you for a decade she isn't interested in kids. You've had 10 years to consider she was serious and make some peace with her choice. Instead you decided to stick your head in the sand and yell "la la la" at the top of your lungs.

So yes, deal with your feelings of sadness over the chance at grandkids being closed. But this isn't ABOUT YOU. Your ACs have their own lives, and are making their own choices.

Volunteer to tutor or to be a mentor in a youth program if you feel the need to connect with the younger generation. Funnel your grandmother desires elsewhere. Your whole family will be healthier for it.