Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

Well OP you can hope that your daughter gets raped by some Vance loving incel and she’s forced to give birth. You can hope that birth control fails for your DS and his fiancé and they are forced to have kids. Yes this will be horrible and traumatic for them but you’ll get what you want.

Or--hear me out--she could hope her kids wake up to the reality that the most important and best thing people will ever do with their lives is raise their children in a loving marriage.

Where is the puke emoji

Sorry you haven't enjoyed the blessings described in that post. It's truly a miracle and everyone should experience it. A life of service to others surpasses a life of self-interest, and there is no better service than that for your family.

Not everyone wants this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

Are you a Trump voter?

[Anonymous]

There is some straight-up pro-natalist propaganda in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

Are you a Trump voter?

How lame, passive-aggressive commenter. She wants to be a grandmother. This is NOT an abnormal feeling for middle to senior age women. OP, yes therapy may help you with your feelings and you may discover it's something deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

Are you a Trump voter?

How lame, passive-aggressive commenter. She wants to be a grandmother. This is NOT an abnormal feeling for middle to senior age women. OP, yes therapy may help you with your feelings and you may discover it's something deeper.

Like 'maternal instinct' or 'human nature'?
It's a waste of money just to have a therapist tell that to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

Are you a Trump voter?

How lame, passive-aggressive commenter. She wants to be a grandmother. This is NOT an abnormal feeling for middle to senior age women. OP, yes therapy may help you with your feelings and you may discover it's something deeper.

Like 'maternal instinct' or 'human nature'?
It's a waste of money just to have a therapist tell that to you.

Women in the west have more choice than ever. You see that by looking at how western women choose different careers than women in the more repressive societies. Iran has more women in STEM, for instance.

Some women are finding they don't have that "something deeper" driving them to have kids, and that's OK. Now whether it's a good idea to let people vote when they don't have the same investment in the future is another question, but it is one that ultimately solves itself after a few generations.

[Anonymous]

It is interesting though, seeing those countries seems they are not dealing with some of those same feelings as OP, and haven't seen anything if they have the same amount of mental health issues and disjointed social structure the West seems to have now. Not having children by choice appears to be more of a Western phenomenon sometimes wonder if that has been more negative than positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is interesting though, seeing those countries seems they are not dealing with some of those same feelings as OP, and haven't seen anything if they have the same amount of mental health issues and disjointed social structure the West seems to have now. Not having children by choice appears to be more of a Western phenomenon sometimes wonder if that has been more negative than positive.

The happiest women I know are not in therapy, have multiple children, and a solid husband. The recipe may be boring, but it's the most effective way to a good life. These happy women never feel the need to tell you they're happy with their choices, unlike some women who declined to have a husband and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is most people have more than one child. They cannot afford more than one in the long term but just want to reproduce themselves.

8 billion people. The world does not need more of you.

At what point will this argument be moot? In a generation or two the data could become dire if people really keep pushing this idea. Declines in birth rates can have drastic nominal population affects over time.

[Anonymous]

NYT article:
The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent
A growing number of Americans are choosing not to have children. Their parents are grappling with what that means for them.

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/11/11/well/family/grandparent-grandchild-childfree.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is interesting though, seeing those countries seems they are not dealing with some of those same feelings as OP, and haven't seen anything if they have the same amount of mental health issues and disjointed social structure the West seems to have now. Not having children by choice appears to be more of a Western phenomenon sometimes wonder if that has been more negative than positive.

The happiest women I know are not in therapy, have multiple children, and a solid husband. The recipe may be boring, but it's the most effective way to a good life. These happy women never feel the need to tell you they're happy with their choices, unlike some women who declined to have a husband and family.

My assumption is they wouldn’t have the need to tell you/others that they’re happy because they aren’t constantly prompted, questioned or judged about their choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NYT article:
The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent
A growing number of Americans are choosing not to have children. Their parents are grappling with what that means for them.

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/11/11/well/family/grandparent-grandchild-childfree.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare

Did not read the article because of a wall, but the majority of adult kids probably live away from their parents, so the most that grandparents would get to see their grandkids would be 2-3 times a year anyway. Is this drastically different from not having grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NYT article:
The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent
A growing number of Americans are choosing not to have children. Their parents are grappling with what that means for them.

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/11/11/well/family/grandparent-grandchild-childfree.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare

Did not read the article because of a wall, but the majority of adult kids probably live away from their parents, so the most that grandparents would get to see their grandkids would be 2-3 times a year anyway. Is this drastically different from not having grandchildren?

This may be the norm in DC but it is not the norm in most of the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NYT article:
The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent
A growing number of Americans are choosing not to have children. Their parents are grappling with what that means for them.

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/11/11/well/family/grandparent-grandchild-childfree.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare

Did not read the article because of a wall, but the majority of adult kids probably live away from their parents, so the most that grandparents would get to see their grandkids would be 2-3 times a year anyway. Is this drastically different from not having grandchildren?

This may be the norm in DC but it is not the norm in most of the country.

I know lots of grandparents who move to be closer to grandchildren. It's all a matter of priorities.

DC is too expensive for most young people, so any grandparents insisting on remaining in the area are making a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is interesting though, seeing those countries seems they are not dealing with some of those same feelings as OP, and haven't seen anything if they have the same amount of mental health issues and disjointed social structure the West seems to have now. Not having children by choice appears to be more of a Western phenomenon sometimes wonder if that has been more negative than positive.

The happiest women I know are not in therapy, have multiple children, and a solid husband. The recipe may be boring, but it's the most effective way to a good life. These happy women never feel the need to tell you they're happy with their choices, unlike some women who declined to have a husband and family.

Good for them, not for everybody. Everyone is an individual, I don't understand people who argue for cookie-cutter solutions to people's lives.