Views/Differences on Education for Children is Causing Rift in Marriage - Advice?

[Anonymous]

DH and I come from two different educational backgrounds, and this is starting to impact our respective views on how best to educate our elementary-aged and pre-school aged children. It never was an issue for us while we were dating and with young children, but now is really starting to cause a lot of tension in our marriage because we cannot get on the same page/team about it.

For example, My family has always valued education above everything. Both parents have advanced degress/PhDs, and we always lived in the best public school districts (despite my parents having a smaller home and driving older cars). My parents, while not wealthy, believed that they would find a way to support us "wherever our brains would take us." This meant taking out loans for private schools and private undergrads. My siblings and I all now have advanced degrees/PhDs, and feel like this is the appropriate approach to take with our children. By contrast, DH's family put other priorities ahead of education, e.g., house size, quality of life, etc. Neither of his parents have advanced degrees (one doesn't have a college degree), and neither does DH. His parents drove new/nice cars, took frequent vacations, and lived in large nice home in a not-so-great school district. I realize that neither approach is right or wrong, and families can do what they want. But there is a stark contrast between our values and I just cannot find compromise. Again, this was never an issue before our children reached school age. But now reality is setting in.

Right now we are being caught in this frustrating situation. We live in an area where the public schools are not good at all (I mean, BAD), and most families we know who value education are either moving or sending their children to private school. DH does not want to spend the money on private school for elementary school because he doesn't think it's worth it at that age, e.g., "all Kindergarten is the same; why waste money?" And he isn't keen on moving to a better school district because we cannot afford the kind of house we want/need in closer-in MoCo or N.VA, and will end up need to purchase a fixer-upper, something smaller without any yard, or make serious cutbacks. I am willing to make these sacrificies, but he is not. We discussed moving out further from the city to get better schools (e.g., Gaithersburg, Burke, Clifton, Oakton), but DH will not compromise on a commute that requires being outside of the Beltway. I feel like i just cannot win!

FWIW, we are a two-income household and both WOH full-time. My salary is higher than DH's, but I cannot afford $30k/year private school on my own. But I cannot get him on board to even consider looking or applying.

Has anyone been in this situation before? How did your resolve it? I am finding that this is a fundamental value, e.g., educating our children, that I am not willing to compromise on. If I SAH, then I could easily supplement our sub-par public schools, but working full-time makes that almost impossible. And private school season/tours/applications are NOW, and DH will not even go with me to look at any of those options. Advice, please?????

[Anonymous]

My advice is that you and DH do some first-hand investigating together about your public school. Including talking to people who currently send their children there. You could also ask the school if you could come and take a tour (but keep in mind that public schools don't do tours like private schools).

If you and DH do this, DH may find out that the public school really is awful, and you need to move or go private. Or you may find out that the public school is worth a try.

But right now, it doesn't seem to me that either of you has enough information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is that you and DH do some first-hand investigating together about your public school. Including talking to people who currently send their children there. You could also ask the school if you could come and take a tour (but keep in mind that public schools don't do tours like private schools).

If you and DH do this, DH may find out that the public school really is awful, and you need to move or go private. Or you may find out that the public school is worth a try.

But right now, it doesn't seem to me that either of you has enough information.

I agree with this. But honestly, these situations are going to keep coming up in life so you two need to figure out a way to communicate about them reasonably. I wonder if you give off the "I'm better, I make more money, I come from a smarter family, I'm smarter than you" type of vibe to him and therefore he's kind of clinging to saying public school is just fine because that is what he did and he turned out just fine.

Off topic, but I do think some life experiences provide better opportunities later in life, so you might want to look ahead as well about what type of cultural experiences you want your children to have.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, that would drive me nuts. My husband went to school in a crappy rural school district and went on to get a PhD, and his attitude is "damn if our kids will be an outlier like I was in my community." My in-laws think school is school, and don't share his or my attitude about schooling at all. We don't have kids yet, but we've talked about this extensively, and we will either buy/rent in a good school district, live somewhere where magnets are an option, or go private, even if that means living in a smaller house (or even a condo or apartment) and having old cars.

[Anonymous]

Whoa. This is a pretty fundamental difference. I think you should sit down have a serious talk about this, and put all the options on the table.

Visit the local school together, visit private schools, visit public schools in other locations. Maybe seeing all the options (together!) and understanding how they might mesh with your kids will help you both to compromise.

Also, keep your mind open to what your husband is saying. Maybe he advocates supplementing what your kids are learning in school with real-world experiences, which is not what you're used to, but has value.

Finally, always consider your kids and what would work best for them. You sound a bit like a tiger mom, and maybe your DH is protesting because he feels like you might pressure your kids to study all the time or soemthing. Maybe talking it through with your DH will help him to see otherwise, or help you to see otherwise. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Is one of your kid's elementary aged already? Where does he/she go to school? Have you looked into Charter Schools/ Gifted Programs/Immersion schools? Your husband might agree because they are free and with the money you save get the kids extra enrichment tutoring/activities.

[Anonymous]

Look what your priorities are telling your husband - you aren't good enough, I wouldn't want our kids to be like you.

I think you are right that you are fundamentally different. You value academics above all else - including your marriage, quality of life, your children's well-being - everything. he values other things beyond academics.

That is incredible pressure to put on your kids. The message they are nothing if they don't have advanced degrees. That that is all you want for them, above all else, including quality of life. I think you need to re-examine why you feel so strongly about this, that academic achievement is some kind of pinnacle of success? Are your children really a failure in life if they don't get a PhD?

There is a difference between trying to decide between public and private (not your issue) and having this vast disparity in what you prioritize and value.

Personally I could never be married to someone who valued academic achievement above all else. And I say that as someone who has a PhD. There is so much more to life and living than educational degrees.

[Anonymous]

I doubt your husband is hand-wringing on DCUM, he is drawing the lines: no move to outer 'burbs, not willing to make sacrifices.

OP, time for an ultimatum: either he helps find a compromise or you'll start considering your options. Private schools are going to be harder for him to stomach so you could offer to back off from that, but find out which neighborhoods you could afford (albeit with sacrifice) with great schools, get a realtor, and start looking.

[Anonymous]

OP here and I appreciate all of the different suggestions. To clarify, I am not a helicopter parent or someone who puts education above all else. If I did, wouldn't have married my husband, who doesn't have the education i do. I knew that and fell in love with him because of other characteristics he has. And I still do love those. He is fantastic guy and great husband and father, and we have had no issues whatsoever until this school thing. I myself am a product of public schools until high school.

We are in Alexandria and it's well known that our public school is considered to be failing by state standards. It's been well discussed on this board and is in the bottom of the bottom in SOL rank. If we lived in one of the better zones, I would certainly consider public. But that's not the case here. And having researched the process of transferring, I am not confident it will be a good o

[Anonymous]

(Sorry, cut off). I am not convinced transferring will be a good option for us or even an option. Plus Alexandria City doesn't give notice of transfer approvals until sometimes July or August, just weeks before school starts.

And as far as being a Tiger Mom, I had to laugh at that one. With a full time job and larger family, I have no time to Tiger anything. Lol! That's why I want to make sure my kids are getting the best education possible. Because I don't have time to Tiger.

I realize that advanced degrees and top notch schools aren't the be all end all of our existence. But to be OK and settle for a failing school that's ranked nearly last in the State? I just cannot settle for that! kindergarten or not!

[Anonymous]

How about a Catholic school with lower tuition that you could afford on your own?

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if you shouldn't bring in a therapist so there is an impartial third party helping you discuss this.

No magic solutions here, but I think there is room for both of you to give a little during negotiation. I had a friend with the same problem a year or two ago. I'm not sure how you are going about the discussion, but my suggestion then was that having your child see calm negotiation and problem solving in a marriage would be a better lesson than anything they'll get in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(Sorry, cut off). I am not convinced transferring will be a good option for us or even an option. Plus Alexandria City doesn't give notice of transfer approvals until sometimes July or August, just weeks before school starts.

And as far as being a Tiger Mom, I had to laugh at that one. With a full time job and larger family, I have no time to Tiger anything. Lol! That's why I want to make sure my kids are getting the best education possible. Because I don't have time to Tiger.

I realize that advanced degrees and top notch schools aren't the be all end all of our existence. But to be OK and settle for a failing school that's ranked nearly last in the State? I just cannot settle for that! kindergarten or not!

In your original posts you made this about what you each value, and how their was a great divide in your core values. That is very different than having a difference of opinion over public versus private or which school to choose. I do think that given the core values that you described exclude DH, it may well be that he is reacting to that. I agree with the suggestion of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I appreciate all of the different suggestions. To clarify, I am not a helicopter parent or someone who puts education above all else. If I did, wouldn't have married my husband, who doesn't have the education i do. I knew that and fell in love with him because of other characteristics he has. And I still do love those. He is fantastic guy and great husband and father, and we have had no issues whatsoever until this school thing. I myself am a product of public schools until high school.

We are in Alexandria and it's well known that our public school is considered to be failing by state standards. It's been well discussed on this board and is in the bottom of the bottom in SOL rank. If we lived in one of the better zones, I would certainly consider public. But that's not the case here. And having researched the process of transferring, I am not confident it will be a good o

If your DH had more info. about the school -- like visceral info -- maybe he'd see the same concerns you have. I typically am suspicious of people who claim their school is so "bad" that they can't send their kids there ... then it turns out that it is a "6" on Great Schools which is above average. But, in your case, I am pretty sure you're not kidding about it being a failing school. So, that's why I suggest putting DH in the position where he can get a first hand view of the school (and you can get a first hand view as well). You can read all the stats you want, but until you see something first hand, you won't really internalize it. That would be my first step. I would also have a conversation -- with a genuinely open mind -- to find out what characteristics a school would have to have for it to be acceptable, and whether there are any "unacceptable" characteristics. Is he really against moving (b/c it's such an effort and upheval, or the financial burden of buying up) or is he against the idea of private (b/c it's the opposite of what he had)?

I don't think you need therapy or couples counselling until you both have seen the school in question from the inside (literally and from parents of kids who go there). Right now, you have one picture and DH has another picture. Until you have the SAME DATA POINTS, you are never going to find common ground in what you value. I think you value the same things that most parents value -- he just thinks this school might be o.k. and you think this school is in the crapper. Start by finding the values that you have in common (i.e. safety, teachers that speak respectfully to the kids, teachers that are prepared, classmates that you'd want your kids to have as friends, etc.). Then visit the school and talk to parents of the kids, ... then you both make a decision on whether this school fits the values. I bet you have more in common than you think. If you are disagreeing on whether the school fits after visiting, then it's time to find an arbitrator/counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about a Catholic school with lower tuition that you could afford on your own?

Op here. Good suggestion. I hadn't thought of that bc DH is not Catholic. But I am and the kids are. That's a possibility. But I wonder how difficult it is to get admitted if we aren't active churchgoers. But worth looking into definitely. Thank you!