Views/Differences on Education for Children is Causing Rift in Marriage - Advice?

[Anonymous]

I confess that I know someone that borrowed an address to attend a good high school. It was an Asian person with a Type A personality. All school, all the time. Now she is a multimillionaire doctor. She doesn't regret it for one minute. She was poor and did everything she could to succeed. While it may be dishonest, it is also impressive for a family to want to succeed so badly that they would cheat and lie and spend extra time commuting. So I think I respect their ambition more than I look down upon the cheating.

In some ways, you can compare this to cheating on an exam or an assignment. You are doing something dishonest to get ahead in life. And we all know how rampant cheating in school is. The type of cheating can vary. Maybe the student is getting help from mom. Maybe the student is using Cliffnotes or using google when you are not allowed to.

I guess it depends on what you value as "success". I was brought up that your word and integrity were more important than money.

[Anonymous]

Is this a cultural thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I confess that I know someone that borrowed an address to attend a good high school. It was an Asian person with a Type A personality. All school, all the time. Now she is a multimillionaire doctor. She doesn't regret it for one minute. She was poor and did everything she could to succeed. While it may be dishonest, it is also impressive for a family to want to succeed so badly that they would cheat and lie and spend extra time commuting. So I think I respect their ambition more than I look down upon the cheating.

In some ways, you can compare this to cheating on an exam or an assignment. You are doing something dishonest to get ahead in life. And we all know how rampant cheating in school is. The type of cheating can vary. Maybe the student is getting help from mom. Maybe the student is using Cliffnotes or using google when you are not allowed to.

Congratulations for the unnecessary reference to the ethnic heritage of the person who used somebody else's address to go to a different school. And for your respect for families who believe in success at any cost. And for your acceptance of "everybody does it" as an acceptable reason.

And yes, there is a problem in this country with rich people zoning their public schools so that poor people can't go. But that's not the OP's problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I confess that I know someone that borrowed an address to attend a good high school. It was an Asian person with a Type A personality. All school, all the time. Now she is a multimillionaire doctor. She doesn't regret it for one minute. She was poor and did everything she could to succeed. While it may be dishonest, it is also impressive for a family to want to succeed so badly that they would cheat and lie and spend extra time commuting. So I think I respect their ambition more than I look down upon the cheating.

In some ways, you can compare this to cheating on an exam or an assignment. You are doing something dishonest to get ahead in life. And we all know how rampant cheating in school is. The type of cheating can vary. Maybe the student is getting help from mom. Maybe the student is using Cliffnotes or using google when you are not allowed to.

I guess it depends on what you value as "success". I was brought up that your word and integrity were more important than money.

The millionaire doctor has lots of integrity. She is a DOCTOR! Working hard to save lives every day and paying six figures in taxes. Her children are WONDERFUL. Since she is rich, her kids never have to cheat like she did. Would you rather have that spot at school go to a spoiled, rich WASP? The person who will marry well and be a SAHM? (I don't mean to offend SAHMs, perhaps you can replace this example with another one)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
2. Borrowing someone else's address. This is wrong, but we all know that people do this.

I don't know anybody who does this either. I would take a dim view of the OP if the OP did this. And I wonder what the OP's husband would say if the OP said, "OK, we won't move, and we won't go private; we'll just lie! And, well, if we get caught, we'll have to pay a lot of money, but let's not worry about that right now."

I know a family that does this. Live in Alexandria, but they work in Arlington and the mom has a sister that lives in Arlington. They use her address.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The millionaire doctor has lots of integrity. She is a DOCTOR! Working hard to save lives every day and paying six figures in taxes. Her children are WONDERFUL. Since she is rich, her kids never have to cheat like she did. Would you rather have that spot at school go to a spoiled, rich WASP? The person who will marry well and be a SAHM? (I don't mean to offend SAHMs, perhaps you can replace this example with another one)

Do your views on the ethics of doing something often change based on who is doing it?

[Anonymous]

C'mon... you play by the rules like the rest of us. If you want to have upper-income neighbors, then you buy in an upper-income neighborhood. Even the person promoting fraud would agree that it's not a wise plan to live in the shadows, teach your kids to lie when their friends ask where they life, and just hope that no one figures it out! Maybe it's possible to sneak into another distict, but it carries the risk of being discovered and charged with a crime. THAT cannot be a good plan for any family even if a small percentage of people have gotten away with it in the past.

Surely, there is a non-monetary value to living in truth and knowing that your kid won't be kicked out of the school that they have grown to know and like/love. Either buy/rent in an area where there are schools you like, or send your kids to private. We all make trade-offs like less than ideal commutes or smaller than ideal homes. Put on your big girl/boy pants and live with the consequences of your decision to live in a certain area.

[Anonymous]

... typo ...

"when their friends ask where they liVe..."

[Anonymous]

Residency cheating can also be compared to illegal immigration. A poor person is breaking the law to earn a living and support a family. America is a country of immigrants. While you may not be cheating, there is a good chance that your ancestors cheated. They crossed the Mexican border. Or they killed Indians.

So the doctor can be compared to a New World settler. She broke a rule so that her offspring can have good, honest, ethical lives. To achieve the American Dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Residency cheating can also be compared to illegal immigration. A poor person is breaking the law to earn a living and support a family. America is a country of immigrants. While you may not be cheating, there is a good chance that your ancestors cheated. They crossed the Mexican border. Or they killed Indians.

So the doctor can be compared to a New World settler. She broke a rule so that her offspring can have good, honest, ethical lives. To achieve the American Dream.

Yes, the doctor can, maybe -- because she came from a poor family, and one of the many benefits of being rich is that you get to keep poor people out of your neighborhoods and your kids' public schools.

But the OP can't. The OP can afford private school. The OP can afford to move. It's just that her husband doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

We are in Alexandria and it's well known that our public school is considered to be failing by state standards. It's been well discussed on this board and is in the bottom of the bottom in SOL rank.

If you are in Alexandria, you can indeed arrange to tour the public school together. Call the principal's office and ask to do it. Go together, and see what the place is like. Go to tour the privates that you are more interested in together as well.

[Anonymous]

Also, I am guessing you are in JH. Would your husband be willing to move within Alexandria to be zoned for one of the better elementary schools in the city? Yes, I know the system as a whole is not great, but this could be a compromise - his commute is not hugely longer, and your kids are zoned for a better school within the system.

[Anonymous]

PP posting about the millionaire doctor cheater and offering cheating as an option. For what it's worth I am just stating a personal experience. I am NOT advocating residency cheating. I am just trying to promote deeper thinking.

I actually live in McLean. I would NOT want low income kids invading my school. The irony is that when you post about how you want to avoid these kids, DCUMMERS will start saying that you are elitist or racist (since low income kids are generally Latinos and blacks)

And sorry to hijack the thread a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP posting about the millionaire doctor cheater and offering cheating as an option. For what it's worth I am just stating a personal experience. I am NOT advocating residency cheating. I am just trying to promote deeper thinking.

I actually live in McLean. I would NOT want low income kids invading my school. The irony is that when you post about how you want to avoid these kids, DCUMMERS will start saying that you are elitist or racist (since low income kids are generally Latinos and blacks)

And sorry to hijack the thread a bit.

And your attitude is exactly why poor kids who want a good education (like your friend) may feel it necessary to cheat and "invade" the school your kids go to. Because you support efforts to keep them out of your kids' school.

Plus why is it ironic that when you say elitist and racist things, people call you an elitist and a racist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Plus why is it ironic that when you say elitist and racist things, people call you an elitist and a racist?

Please let me clarify. The irony is that people say they want diversity. But they also want the best schools, which are generally not very diverse. The best schools have lots of whites and Asians. Rich people also talk about helping low income people, yet this thread shows that they are opposed to letting them cheat to be in the best schools.

While I don't like residency cheating, the idea of this motivated doctor friend in my class would be a good thing since it would improve the classroom environment.