SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go back to work part time and do something I really like. He would need to pick up household responsibilities based on how many hours you work. If you go back full-time, it is a 50/50% split on kids/household responsibilities and you will have to outsource the cleaning. Is he making you go back to work, because you're out of touch by being SAHM? Some women fall into this detachment from reality and stop growing as a person.

Different poster but totally agree with this PP. We have a friend whose SAHM wife wants to keep their first house in our state even though they’re moving out of state for his work. That means two mortgages and she cannot help out financially at all. But she’s clueless about renting houses and finding tenants etc. so it would have made way more sense for them to just sell the first house. She’s definitely out of touch and hasn’t even offered to find work to help her husband out.

Also want to add that their daughter is 32 so no childcare needs at home. She’s just used to a life of leisure.

You're actually the one who is out of touch and clueless. I sold a rental home in April that was paid off for 7x what I paid for it. It wasn't difficult finding tenants and downloading the contracts, and finding a good credit ck/criminal background company. Among other things. Obviously you resent the choices another couple has made for some reason which is very odd. Our renters paid the mortgage fyi. Yes I was a SAHM! Now I am a SAHM to a small dog, lol. Too much jealousy on this thread.

+1
GMAFB! "She doesn't know about renting" that is beyond lame to say. I didn't know about it and rented out a house to two tenants in 4 years, does not require any landlord degree. Sold at a big profit too. Pp sounds like someone who is just looking to insult "friend". Don't associate with her, you obviously despise her.

So apparently, popping out a child is a get out of work forever and ever card based on this thread.

No, it’s having enough money to not need to work- either through marriage or other, unless you want to for other reasons besides income

Lol, spoken like a true gold digger!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP - I guess I’m a lucky one given that my husband has always supported whatever I’ve done and I’ve gone back and forth in terms of WAH and SAH. When my youngest was a HS junior I was thinking about going back to work full time and my husband said “that’s fine but will it make you happy?” So instead I took up silversmithing and that has made me happy.

Sounds like a good guy. I’m willing to bet that you didn’t experience the “hormonal shift” people talk about, and completely lose interest in sex with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - I guess I’m a lucky one given that my husband has always supported whatever I’ve done and I’ve gone back and forth in terms of WAH and SAH. When my youngest was a HS junior I was thinking about going back to work full time and my husband said “that’s fine but will it make you happy?” So instead I took up silversmithing and that has made me happy.

Sounds like a good guy. I’m willing to bet that you didn’t experience the “hormonal shift” people talk about, and completely lose interest in sex with him

😀😀 I definitely did not lose interest in sex with him and it likely increased as I was very happy and not as stressed. I’m now 58 and I still love sex. He is a great guy who has been very successful and very supportive of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are not complicated. If you want something:

1). Have sex much more often. Include blowjobs and sexy lingerie.
2). Cook his favorite meals more often.
3). Tell him how much you appreciate and admire him for working so hard for your family.
4). Put on make-up and cute clothes every day (it’s possible this is all he really wants anyway)

Maybe this doesn’t appeal to you, but you married this guy. You should want to sleep with him and tell him that you appreciate and admire him. Also, it takes less than an hour a day. Much better than spending half your life doing some job you never wanted to do in the first place.

LOL you can do all this and doesn't magically make your husband rich. I mean you can have sex and cook favorite meals for your husband who's a teacher, policeman, nurse, plumber or any number of jobs that are decent and noble but don't pay much.

That list presupposes your husband is affluent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are not complicated. If you want something:

1). Have sex much more often. Include blowjobs and sexy lingerie.
2). Cook his favorite meals more often.
3). Tell him how much you appreciate and admire him for working so hard for your family.
4). Put on make-up and cute clothes every day (it’s possible this is all he really wants anyway)

Maybe this doesn’t appeal to you, but you married this guy. You should want to sleep with him and tell him that you appreciate and admire him. Also, it takes less than an hour a day. Much better than spending half your life doing some job you never wanted to do in the first place.

LOL you can do all this and doesn't magically make your husband rich. I mean you can have sex and cook favorite meals for your husband who's a teacher, policeman, nurse, plumber or any number of jobs that are decent and noble but don't pay much.

That list presupposes your husband is affluent.

I don't know. It sounds like OP is happy with however much he is making right now. She has been a SAHM for the last decade or more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men are not complicated. If you want something:

1). Have sex much more often. Include blowjobs and sexy lingerie.
2). Cook his favorite meals more often.
3). Tell him how much you appreciate and admire him for working so hard for your family.
4). Put on make-up and cute clothes every day (it’s possible this is all he really wants anyway)

Maybe this doesn’t appeal to you, but you married this guy. You should want to sleep with him and tell him that you appreciate and admire him. Also, it takes less than an hour a day. Much better than spending half your life doing some job you never wanted to do in the first place.

LOL you can do all this and doesn't magically make your husband rich. I mean you can have sex and cook favorite meals for your husband who's a teacher, policeman, nurse, plumber or any number of jobs that are decent and noble but don't pay much.

That list presupposes your husband is affluent.

It doesn’t presuppose that he is affluent. It only presupposes that you are happy to live on only his salary (whatever it is), that you love him (or can at least fake it), and that you appreciate and admire how hard he works for your family.

[Anonymous]

Muslim women don't have to deal with this decision. Our men take care of us. It's a religious obligation. My husband has always been supportive of whatever I want to do. A lot of people have suggested I work part-time, but I realized PT is a pain too. You spend all your free time working, and then you're on as soon as the kids come home at 3 pm. Your husband doesn't help out nearly as much you envisioned. Both working and staying home suck. There's a reason middle-aged women are so unhappy in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

You shouldn't. He needs to do 1/2 the cooking, 1/2 the cleaning, and help with homework, kids activities and more. Tell him to start magically doing half and when he does it consistently for 3 months you will go back to work. Remind him when you go back to work you will not have sick leave or vacation so he will have to take off work for every school holiday, every sick day and every emergency that comes up until you can build up some leave. Also, tell him he needs to find before/after school care for the kids and arrange for summer camps for all weeks in the summer he cannot take off to be with them.

Yes, yes, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Muslim women don't have to deal with this decision. Our men take care of us. It's a religious obligation. My husband has always been supportive of whatever I want to do. A lot of people have suggested I work part-time, but I realized PT is a pain too. You spend all your free time working, and then you're on as soon as the kids come home at 3 pm. Your husband doesn't help out nearly as much you envisioned. Both working and staying home suck. There's a reason middle-aged women are so unhappy in the US.

Muslim comment aside…

You have a great point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Muslim women don't have to deal with this decision. Our men take care of us. It's a religious obligation. My husband has always been supportive of whatever I want to do. A lot of people have suggested I work part-time, but I realized PT is a pain too. You spend all your free time working, and then you're on as soon as the kids come home at 3 pm. Your husband doesn't help out nearly as much you envisioned. Both working and staying home suck. There's a reason middle-aged women are so unhappy in the US.

Muslim women deal with this decision all the time when their husbands don't make enough money. I mean anyone can stay home if you're content with being poor.

Let's also address a little-known detail that Islam doesn't have a concept of marital property; when your husband divorces you, you go out of his house with whatever you brought in and your mahr. Whatever he made during the marriage is his and his alone. No split assets, no alimony. Three months of maintenance to make sure you aren't with child, and off you go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

You shouldn't. He needs to do 1/2 the cooking, 1/2 the cleaning, and help with homework, kids activities and more. Tell him to start magically doing half and when he does it consistently for 3 months you will go back to work. Remind him when you go back to work you will not have sick leave or vacation so he will have to take off work for every school holiday, every sick day and every emergency that comes up until you can build up some leave. Also, tell him he needs to find before/after school care for the kids and arrange for summer camps for all weeks in the summer he cannot take off to be with them.

Yes, yes, yes.

Why does OP get 3 months of free labor while DH gets nothing after breadwinner for decade+?

Just get the freaking job, see if he steps up in home life, if not then quit. Don’t play freaking games.

I do think he is angling for divorce, so maybe broach that.

[Anonymous]

I know a few women whose husbands earn an ok amount but probably not enough to full pay private college tuition or have enough saved for retirement. I am sure their everyday lives of a comfortable home and modest vacations are fine.

I am guessing this is the type of situation OP is in.

I know some women in this situation and they also don’t want to go back to work. I’m a SAHM also and think this is kind of lazy. My kids are still young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a few women whose husbands earn an ok amount but probably not enough to full pay private college tuition or have enough saved for retirement. I am sure their everyday lives of a comfortable home and modest vacations are fine.

I am guessing this is the type of situation OP is in.

I know some women in this situation and they also don’t want to go back to work. I’m a SAHM also and think this is kind of lazy. My kids are still young.

Maybe you don’t realize the realities of going back to work when kids are older: you usually still need to find something with a lot of flexibility for kid illnesses or all of the random school holidays, unless your spouse can really take over all of that stuff. You also don’t have a lot of vacation time when you first start out so you’ll be trying to save that up, and can’t just take off on a family vacation anytime. These are reasons why some women don’t find it worth it to go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few women whose husbands earn an ok amount but probably not enough to full pay private college tuition or have enough saved for retirement. I am sure their everyday lives of a comfortable home and modest vacations are fine.

I am guessing this is the type of situation OP is in.

I know some women in this situation and they also don’t want to go back to work. I’m a SAHM also and think this is kind of lazy. My kids are still young.

Maybe you don’t realize the realities of going back to work when kids are older: you usually still need to find something with a lot of flexibility for kid illnesses or all of the random school holidays, unless your spouse can really take over all of that stuff. You also don’t have a lot of vacation time when you first start out so you’ll be trying to save that up, and can’t just take off on a family vacation anytime. These are reasons why some women don’t find it worth it to go back to work.

What about personal and professional growth? Learning new skills? Challenging yourself? These are all good reasons to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few women whose husbands earn an ok amount but probably not enough to full pay private college tuition or have enough saved for retirement. I am sure their everyday lives of a comfortable home and modest vacations are fine.

I am guessing this is the type of situation OP is in.

I know some women in this situation and they also don’t want to go back to work. I’m a SAHM also and think this is kind of lazy. My kids are still young.

Maybe you don’t realize the realities of going back to work when kids are older: you usually still need to find something with a lot of flexibility for kid illnesses or all of the random school holidays, unless your spouse can really take over all of that stuff. You also don’t have a lot of vacation time when you first start out so you’ll be trying to save that up, and can’t just take off on a family vacation anytime. These are reasons why some women don’t find it worth it to go back to work.

Pp here. My youngest only goes to preschool 2 hours a day right now.

My DH prefers for me to stay home because it makes his working life easier.

If DH urged me to go back to work, I would in a heartbeat. That means he would have to share in the sick days, snow days, etc. when I was working, I took EVERY single sick day, snow delay, doc appointments, snow day, etc. he did take vacation time for breaks.