No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

If weddings were one-evening affairs you’d have a lot less heartburn over kids. Plenty of people are willing to leave their kids for an evening but not a weekend.

My aunt shamed us HARD about my cousins wedding (called my mother who was undergoing chemo, called my in laws to ask if they would watch my kid…) we ultimately hired a nanny to travel with us and entertain our kid and her cousins but there was certainly no gracious acceptance of a declined invitation in my case. I think bad behavior is equally distributed across brides/grooms and their guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Did she care? I think we've all agreed here forever that people who are determined to have expensive destination weddings have to accept that there will be people who do not attend and that may include immediate family. That isn't really what we are talking about here.

Agreed! Plus, sometimes having an expensive destination wedding is a way to cull the guest attendance down to people who actually want to be there! We have told our kids we will help pay for a destination wedding when the time comes (they are in 20s) or whatever they want. But we all agree a destination wedding is one way to weed out people who don't really care to attend. It's your wedding, do what you want! The day is literally about the couple and nobody else. They should not feel obligated to invite people they don't want to or people they barely know. For our kids, one side is a really big family (think the grandparents are each one of 9, and the dad is the baby by 15 years, so tons and tons of "relatives" thru the generations). Our kids only know a much smaller group of the relatives---ones they (and us) truly care about. We won't force our kids to invite "relatives" they barely know. Just like we won't "require them to invite our friends they don't know" just because we are paying. Now they will invite many of our friends, but that's because our kids grew up with them and their kids, so they actually know everyone (and they'd allow 4-5 couples of our friends that they don't know quite as well, but do know). But a wedding is not a time to force 50+ people into attendance that the bride or groom has never met. IMO a Bride/Groom should not see anyone at the wedding that at least one of them does not recognized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So back to the thread title- why so angry? I do agree that the angriest people seem to be the people whose children are not invited and that is puzzling.

From what I can tell, BG accept the declines graciously.

Has anyone actually been harangued by a BG for declining a wedding invite? I certainly have not.

Yes, I have. I didn’t decline because of kids but because of the expense of the travel involved, which was prohibitively expensive at the time. Bride was very angry, relationship never recovered.

The only time I've heard of this is after the bride shelled out $$$ to host an expensive bachelorette party, bought a $500 dress to be a bridesmaid, and flew to some rural place to attend the decliner's wedding. They are pissed the favor wasn't returned after all they did for that person. So, PP did you get married before your friend?

No. In fact she knew my financial situation, but when I declined, said some awful things about how I was too lazy to get another job to pay to attend her wedding. Her wedding was paid for entirely by her very wealthy parents, while I had to pay for most of my own, later wedding because my parents aren’t wealthy. I did not invite her to my wedding years later, of course.

Well that sucks but sounds like you weren't very good friends for her to turn so easily on you.

Holy victim-blaming. Found the bridezilla!

So very good friends end great friendships over weddings? That's your belief?

Narcissists like that bride do, yes. My guess is you’re angry about this because you’re one of the narcissistic nightmares, and I say that as someone who doesn’t care about kids at weddings. You are kind of demonstrating that the people who are adamantly pro child free weddings are horrific narcissists, though.

My guess is you’re an ego maniac who cant imagine someone who doesn’t think exactly like you do. Maybe get help for your main character syndrome.

PP is the perfect example of an entitled b. If someone doesn't do exactly what she wants, that benefits her, they must be a selfish narcissist. No pp. You are the narcissist expecting people to bend to your will on their day. I was not a bridezilla but had no kids at my wedding. I roll with what other people want but couldn't handle the number of kids that would have been at my wedding. I've been married for 30 years. I'm not selfish.

Oh, entitled one, still whining that your kids aren't well at every adult party? Just say no. It's very easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So back to the thread title- why so angry? I do agree that the angriest people seem to be the people whose children are not invited and that is puzzling.

From what I can tell, BG accept the declines graciously.

Has anyone actually been harangued by a BG for declining a wedding invite? I certainly have not.

Yes, I have. I didn’t decline because of kids but because of the expense of the travel involved, which was prohibitively expensive at the time. Bride was very angry, relationship never recovered.

The only time I've heard of this is after the bride shelled out $$$ to host an expensive bachelorette party, bought a $500 dress to be a bridesmaid, and flew to some rural place to attend the decliner's wedding. They are pissed the favor wasn't returned after all they did for that person. So, PP did you get married before your friend?

No. In fact she knew my financial situation, but when I declined, said some awful things about how I was too lazy to get another job to pay to attend her wedding. Her wedding was paid for entirely by her very wealthy parents, while I had to pay for most of my own, later wedding because my parents aren’t wealthy. I did not invite her to my wedding years later, of course.

Well that sucks but sounds like you weren't very good friends for her to turn so easily on you.

Holy victim-blaming. Found the bridezilla!

So very good friends end great friendships over weddings? That's your belief?

Narcissists like that bride do, yes. My guess is you’re angry about this because you’re one of the narcissistic nightmares, and I say that as someone who doesn’t care about kids at weddings. You are kind of demonstrating that the people who are adamantly pro child free weddings are horrific narcissists, though.

My guess is you’re an ego maniac who cant imagine someone who doesn’t think exactly like you do. Maybe get help for your main character syndrome.

PP is the perfect example of an entitled b. If someone doesn't do exactly what she wants, that benefits her, they must be a selfish narcissist. No pp. You are the narcissist expecting people to bend to your will on their day. I was not a bridezilla but had no kids at my wedding. I roll with what other people want but couldn't handle the number of kids that would have been at my wedding. I've been married for 30 years. I'm not selfish.

Oh, entitled one, still whining that your kids aren't well at every adult party? Just say no. It's very easy.

^ That was meant for the previous PP, not you. The people who just can't deal with weddings that don't include their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If weddings were one-evening affairs you’d have a lot less heartburn over kids. Plenty of people are willing to leave their kids for an evening but not a weekend.

My aunt shamed us HARD about my cousins wedding (called my mother who was undergoing chemo, called my in laws to ask if they would watch my kid…) we ultimately hired a nanny to travel with us and entertain our kid and her cousins but there was certainly no gracious acceptance of a declined invitation in my case. I think bad behavior is equally distributed across brides/grooms and their guests.

Why would your aunt have your in-laws number? The problem seems to be dysfunctional families, not wedding etiquette.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no problem with "no kids" as long as the bride is gracious and it's not a dysfunctional family where the people who decline will be shamed/blamed/guilt tripped for declining.

I did find of my friends/co-workers and family who turned into bridezillas-having majorly unrealistic expectations of those they invite (or have in bridal party) and who were not gracious are all now either divorced or miserable in their marriages. So, often it's just a sign of someone who just has poor coping skills in general and not personal.

Well said and this has been my experience too.

[Anonymous]

People have become so narcissistic. I guess I can understand it for people in their 20s. I got married at 25 and thought my wedding was a big deal (but didn’t exclude kids). Now, pushing 50, I have more perspective. The chances to have the whole family/loved ones all together are few and far between. And nobody cares about a wedding being “perfect” - they won’t even remember it after a week. The fact that people don’t want children to “ruin” their day is sad. That just isn’t what it’s about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how it’s communicated on the invite. Do people actually write “child free”?!

DH’s cousin’s invitation had a picture of the couple, black background, and you are invited to an adults only event in white large italic script on it. It looked like some type of porn or sex thing. Seriously, when I saw it I was like eww what on earth is this. It was hilarious.

We didn’t go because we weren’t flying across the country and using a babysitter we didn’t know. We declined the invite and sent a gift. We had gone to the other cousins weddings because kids were welcome and it was like an extended family reunion. Both the bride and DH’s aunt were pissed for years we didn’t go. Honestly I could care less what they think and DH is oblivious.

If an adults only wedding is what you want go for it, just don’t get your knickers in a knot if people with kids decline. This goes for siblings too. If you want your siblings to there and they have kids, don’t exclude them nieces and nephews.

I am so confused by all the couples who make weddings unpleasant events to attend and then get angry when people reasonably don’t attend. It’s bizarre behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have become so narcissistic. I guess I can understand it for people in their 20s. I got married at 25 and thought my wedding was a big deal (but didn’t exclude kids). Now, pushing 50, I have more perspective. The chances to have the whole family/loved ones all together are few and far between. And nobody cares about a wedding being “perfect” - they won’t even remember it after a week. The fact that people don’t want children to “ruin” their day is sad. That just isn’t what it’s about.

Well, you're old. Your perspective has changed. You don't know if you'll see everyone again. Young people plan the parties they want to have. Start hosting annual family reunions to scratch that itch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a wedding is a lifestyle event, as they have become, then it makes perfect sense that kids would not be invited.

That's SO self absorbed. It screams "main character syndrome".

Do you even hear yourself you hypocrite? The bride and groom are the fing main characters. Not you and your family. Entitled b.

😳😳😳

You seem calm and rational and not at all unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no problem with "no kids" as long as the bride is gracious and it's not a dysfunctional family where the people who decline will be shamed/blamed/guilt tripped for declining.

I did find of my friends/co-workers and family who turned into bridezillas-having majorly unrealistic expectations of those they invite (or have in bridal party) and who were not gracious are all now either divorced or miserable in their marriages. So, often it's just a sign of someone who just has poor coping skills in general and not personal.

And I know plenty of brides who had "no kids" weddings and are still happily married. Wanting to not have kids and have an adult wedding is not a bad thing. It's not "Bridezilla" itself.

Out of curiosity, I roughly calculated the rate of divorce in the weddings I remember attending, and although it’s actually been a pretty low overall rate of divorce (most family/friends are still married), the childfree weddings had a distinctly higher rate of divorce. Maybe there is something to the PPs point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a "no kids" wedding and looking back, regret it. It's a family celebration and everyone should be included.

But yeah, I wanted it to be a grown-up affair (e.g., open bar, live band). I didn't understand the kid thing. We offered on-site babysitting, which we thought was super thoughtful, but parents of young ones did not like that option at all.

As it turned out, we had several teenagers come and probably irritated the parents of very young children.

I realize I’m talking to a younger version of you, but you can have an open bar and live band with kids present, obviously!

[Anonymous]

Don't get me wrong - I don't believe in spending a sh&t ton on weddings. Mine was 10K not that long ago (5 years). But people have gotten so frugal that they put on terrible weddings.

A cousin did a barn wedding in August in Georgia- no AC. Had 3 drinks which were gross. No kids. People had to sneak in normal alcohol like wine. Bride was twerking on all 4s in front of older relatives that couldn't believe it. It was wild. So bad that my MIL isn't attending anymore weddings from that family members set of kids (I imagine she thinks it'll be horrible).

My neice was as bad but they got a free venue out of another relative and completely burned that relationship. Basically they expected said relative to clean up after them. Wild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If weddings were one-evening affairs you’d have a lot less heartburn over kids. Plenty of people are willing to leave their kids for an evening but not a weekend.

My aunt shamed us HARD about my cousins wedding (called my mother who was undergoing chemo, called my in laws to ask if they would watch my kid…) we ultimately hired a nanny to travel with us and entertain our kid and her cousins but there was certainly no gracious acceptance of a declined invitation in my case. I think bad behavior is equally distributed across brides/grooms and their guests.

Well the issue then is with your entitled aunt and cousin! That is rude. I purposely wouldn't attend if a relative did that. They are free to say "no kids" and I am also free to say, "thanks for the invite, hope it's a beautiful day. So sorry we won't be able to attend".
End of discussion, no reason to discus the WHY. It is not their business

And yes, I'd avoid that reltavie/family in the future

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have become so narcissistic. I guess I can understand it for people in their 20s. I got married at 25 and thought my wedding was a big deal (but didn’t exclude kids). Now, pushing 50, I have more perspective. The chances to have the whole family/loved ones all together are few and far between. And nobody cares about a wedding being “perfect” - they won’t even remember it after a week. The fact that people don’t want children to “ruin” their day is sad. That just isn’t what it’s about.

And you are entitled to "Your Opinion" Others feel differently and can meet with the entire family some other time. They don't need all the tiny kids running around at their adult reception.