No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

The second best thing about child-free weddings is the annoying parents don't attend either. It's a win-win.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I had an evening wedding, adults only. Way before instagram. I was paying, so didn't want rando kids. We provided babysitting. It wasn't a problem for anyone as far as I know. My sister got mad because "her kids love weddings and they are well behaved". It was really her DH who wanted them there because he can't converse with adults and uses the kids as a crutch. He ended up in the bar watching the ballgame the whole reception anyway.

Nieces and nephews are different. If any of our sisters didn't invite our kids, I likely would not show up and it would start a war in our families. It's such a show of disrespect. We only have one sister each though. I think people expect nieces and nephews to be invited even when no other kids are.

If it's an adult wedding then no one should be mad if ALL the kids aren't invited. My niece invited my sibling's kids, and not mine. That is a big faux pas.

You know, the funny thing is that OP started this thread to criticize people with kids, but the most egregious examples of horrific behavior have been from brides.

I agree. Like any event the host doesn't get to abuse their guests even at their own wedding. I've seen brides that try to put the divorced parents together, instead of sitting with their new spouses, lol and such nonsense.

That is miserable and recipe for disaster to occur during the event.

Funny that people some people have seen multiple brides do this. Says a lot about the company they keep.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If a wedding is a lifestyle event, as they have become, then it makes perfect sense that kids would not be invited.

That's SO self absorbed. It screams "main character syndrome".

OMG--the wedding is literally a day for the bride and groom!!!! If you can't see that, do not attend. Life isn't always about you and your kids

I dont understand the hostility about this. Who would begrudge a couple doing their wedding the way they want? It's called "their special day" for a reason. It's literally about them, they are just inviting guests to witness their union AND pay to have them celebrate with them after.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m curious how it’s communicated on the invite. Do people actually write “child free”?!

DH’s cousin’s invitation had a picture of the couple, black background, and you are invited to an adults only event in white large italic script on it. It looked like some type of porn or sex thing. Seriously, when I saw it I was like eww what on earth is this. It was hilarious.

LMAO that is so utterly cringe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Weddings have always been traditionally family event with two families coming together and a new family starting. But a few years ago, there was a change to make everything perfect, Instagram worthy and aspirational so out with imperfect kids. I also think it goes hand-in-hand with parents, not parenting their kids which is a huge incentive to not have kids at a wedding.

Personally, I would rather have kids at my wedding, then have a perfect wedding, and I would definitely rather be inclusive of kids than lose and alienate family members.

Likewise family members should understand when a couple chooses to only have an adult only ceremony and not break relationships because they can’t bring their kids

This didn't start a few years ago. It was common to have no kids weddings back in the 1980s. It's been a thing for a very long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I wouldn’t create a family schism over this, but banning elementary school kids from a wedding is a pretty cold and exclusionary move. I would be annoyed and wouldn’t really make any effort to attend if my 12 year old wasn’t invited. I certainly would not pay for an overnight sitter for him on top of any other costs.

It's not cold, it's a personal choice that was not made to offend you. I couldn't pay the per person plate cost for all the kids that would have been at my reception. It blew up the cost of my wedding that was many decades ago. If people elected not to come because of it, I was fine. I did everything I could to save $ on the wedding my husbands family insisted we have but didn't help paying for. We were buying a house and we were scrimping and saving for that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Weddings are usually about celebrating a happy event with friends and family - so when you say except you - we don't want you at our wedding, we don't want you to be here, we don't want to celebrate with you, we want family pictures without you - you aren't invited....that hurts - be it adult or older child. Knowing your family member wants to exclude you from their wedding ceremony and dinner tells you a lot about what they think of you and none of it good.

We had that happen recently. Tween excluded from a wedding of someone they thought they were close to and thought that person liked them. Everyone else in the family was invied and going (tween is youngest). They were very confused as to why they weren't wanted especially as they hadn't been to a wedding before and had been very very excited about it all...and said family member had been telling them details and showing them pictures. At first family member said it was financial so we offered to cover the cost. Then they said it was numbers and space but given their venue, that didn't make sense. Eventually they gave in reluctantly and tween went. Tween is basically an adult in terms of behaviour, sat quietly, ate properly, didn't run around. We kept tween from going up to talk to bride to avoid any perception that she was being annoying. Now family member acts like she always wanted her there...

This is nuts. No, it just means their wedding reception is an adults only event. The fact that you pushed to have your tween included when she wasn’t invited is so tacky!

Agree. PP is absolutely tacky and is one of those people that people write about to Carolyn Hax etc.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A wedding is and should be whatever the two people getting married want it to be. That said, they must be gracious if people decline to attend for any reason, including child care.

But no, "two families" are not getting married; two individuals are. So it's whatever they want. If you don't like it, decline. No one owes you a family reunion. If you want a family reunion, plan, pay for and host one. The end.

This. The anger is on both sides. If someone declines because travel with kids and then unknown babysitter in a new place is undesirable, the the bride/groomzillas need to accept that.

Frankly if I were having a distance wedding with travelers with young kids I’d 1) have a reception open to kids (maybe not ceremony); and 2) I’d either provide babysitting or make a list for guests.

bride/groomzillas?
As has been pointed out, THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU DECLINE. Why do you think you're so special? Just send a gift and decline. Done.

so why invite someone if you don’t actually care if they’ll be there? Are they props for you photos?

Adults realize that invitations are not summons.

That’s not the question. The question is why you invite people to your wedding if you are indifferent to whether or not they come.

No it’s not. The question is “why so much anger” coming from the people who have kids that weren’t included. Decline and move on, no need to stomp your feet and get mad over it.

PP is being delusional because she knows a lot of invites are based obligation. Weddings are all about obligation. In my 20s I dreaded ever having a wedding because of it. It is so difficult to determine who to invite that it gave me such anxiety I put off get married for at least 5 years. I found every aspect of weddings horrible to deal with because each decision was sure to bother someone. I also hate drunks and barely drink and the war that started with dh's Catholic family with more than one active alcoholic was a ton of fun. Wedding are a waste of money and a nightmare to plan. Back the f up and off of the couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a wedding is a lifestyle event, as they have become, then it makes perfect sense that kids would not be invited.

That's SO self absorbed. It screams "main character syndrome".

Do you even hear yourself you hypocrite? The bride and groom are the fing main characters. Not you and your family. Entitled b.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family kids should almost always be invited. Kids of friends or neighbors or coworkers, are almost never invited.
My kids have been invited to every family wedding on either side, but never been invited to a wedding of one of our friends. That, to me, seems pretty standard. A wedding is both a fancy party (usually) and a family milestone / celebration. So the guests are kind of in 2 groups- family (including children) and friends (adults only).

That's not for you to decide. That is your experience.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A wedding is and should be whatever the two people getting married want it to be. That said, they must be gracious if people decline to attend for any reason, including child care.

But no, "two families" are not getting married; two individuals are. So it's whatever they want. If you don't like it, decline. No one owes you a family reunion. If you want a family reunion, plan, pay for and host one. The end.

This. The anger is on both sides. If someone declines because travel with kids and then unknown babysitter in a new place is undesirable, the the bride/groomzillas need to accept that.

Frankly if I were having a distance wedding with travelers with young kids I’d 1) have a reception open to kids (maybe not ceremony); and 2) I’d either provide babysitting or make a list for guests.

bride/groomzillas?
As has been pointed out, THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU DECLINE. Why do you think you're so special? Just send a gift and decline. Done.

so why invite someone if you don’t actually care if they’ll be there? Are they props for you photos?

Adults realize that invitations are not summons.

That’s not the question. The question is why you invite people to your wedding if you are indifferent to whether or not they come.

The deeper issue is people turning weddings into absurdly expensive and inconvenient multi-day shows that are “all about the brideeee!!!”

I'm not indifferent if they come, I just realize that as adults, we all have commitments and priorities and not everyone is able to make it to every event. You sound really immature to conflate not being upset at someone not attending with not wanting them there in the first place.

+100

There are just far more entitled azzhats who want what they want because they want it. How dare we not do exactly what they want and pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Did she care? I think we've all agreed here forever that people who are determined to have expensive destination weddings have to accept that there will be people who do not attend and that may include immediate family. That isn't really what we are talking about here.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So back to the thread title- why so angry? I do agree that the angriest people seem to be the people whose children are not invited and that is puzzling.

From what I can tell, BG accept the declines graciously.

Has anyone actually been harangued by a BG for declining a wedding invite? I certainly have not.

Yes, I have. I didn’t decline because of kids but because of the expense of the travel involved, which was prohibitively expensive at the time. Bride was very angry, relationship never recovered.

The only time I've heard of this is after the bride shelled out $$$ to host an expensive bachelorette party, bought a $500 dress to be a bridesmaid, and flew to some rural place to attend the decliner's wedding. They are pissed the favor wasn't returned after all they did for that person. So, PP did you get married before your friend?

No. In fact she knew my financial situation, but when I declined, said some awful things about how I was too lazy to get another job to pay to attend her wedding. Her wedding was paid for entirely by her very wealthy parents, while I had to pay for most of my own, later wedding because my parents aren’t wealthy. I did not invite her to my wedding years later, of course.

Well that sucks but sounds like you weren't very good friends for her to turn so easily on you.

Holy victim-blaming. Found the bridezilla!

So very good friends end great friendships over weddings? That's your belief?

Narcissists like that bride do, yes. My guess is you’re angry about this because you’re one of the narcissistic nightmares, and I say that as someone who doesn’t care about kids at weddings. You are kind of demonstrating that the people who are adamantly pro child free weddings are horrific narcissists, though.

My guess is you’re an ego maniac who cant imagine someone who doesn’t think exactly like you do. Maybe get help for your main character syndrome.

PP is the perfect example of an entitled b. If someone doesn't do exactly what she wants, that benefits her, they must be a selfish narcissist. No pp. You are the narcissist expecting people to bend to your will on their day. I was not a bridezilla but had no kids at my wedding. I roll with what other people want but couldn't handle the number of kids that would have been at my wedding. I've been married for 30 years. I'm not selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The second best thing about child-free weddings is the annoying parents don't attend either. It's a win-win.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I wouldn’t create a family schism over this, but banning elementary school kids from a wedding is a pretty cold and exclusionary move. I would be annoyed and wouldn’t really make any effort to attend if my 12 year old wasn’t invited. I certainly would not pay for an overnight sitter for him on top of any other costs.

It's not cold, it's a personal choice that was not made to offend you. I couldn't pay the per person plate cost for all the kids that would have been at my reception. It blew up the cost of my wedding that was many decades ago. If people elected not to come because of it, I was fine. I did everything I could to save $ on the wedding my husbands family insisted we have but didn't help paying for. We were buying a house and we were scrimping and saving for that.

Plus, for a 12+ yo, who needs a baby sitter? Do you not have friends who live near you? Your kid's friends? My 12 yo would much rather (99% of the time) be with their friends for a 1-2 day sleepover than dragged to an adult event. By time your kid is 12, you really should have friends and they should have friends, and if you reciprocate, you don't have to "pay babysitters" even for a night away.