How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathy PP is insane or one of these men.

If a wife has to look at her DH with constant empathy equivalent to how a mother sees the struggles of their small child who’s still learning, that’s a fast-track to contempt and divorce.

Who has the strength or cognitive dissonance to be able to tolerate a marriage that is really just being a mother to someone you’re supposed to be intimate with? What man is ok with this?

YES!!! THIS!!!! How am I supposed to feel sexual attraction to some fellow adult whom I basically mother!???

So get a divorce. Why do you need to crowdsource this?

Not PP but if I divorce my kids will be alone with DH up to half the time, which will mean living in chaos and squalor and being in unsafe situations. And then I’ll be coparenting with someone who can’t communicate or function as an adult.

I’ve decided it’s safest to stay married because of my kids. Lots of other moms in the same situation.

I will leave when my kids are ugrown.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister’s DH recently passed on unexpectedly and she is devastated. You all have no idea. She would give anything to have the sort of “problems” you all are complaining about.

Glad she didn’t have such problems when married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)

OMG you sometimes have to DUMP a BASKET?!?! What an effing nightmare! How do you even live??

You got me! This entire conversation is about having to dump a basket once. What a fool I am for not just dumping it once and moving on with my life.

Thanks so much. I’ve seen the light. Your wisdom is unparalleled.

The entire conversation is actually about your (and your fellow “sufferers”) refusal to accept that you are not, in fact, your spouse’s boss.

Your preferred way of handling household tasks is merely that - your *preference*. You prefer laundry folded and put away immediately, your spouse prefers to leave clean clothes in baskets. These two strategies are obviously incompatible, but that does NOT mean that YOU are RIGHT, and HE is WRONG.

Accomplishing housework to an 80% standard implies that the essentials to keep life functioning have been handled (e.g. the clothes are clean even if they are in the dryer, the majority of the dishes are clean even if they’re in the dishwasher, the kids are dressed even if they’re in mismatched socks, etc.)

While there has been a lot of talk of spouses leaving work because they expect their partners to finish it, at no point has anyone provided evidence of this expectation. It is more likely that your spouses are leaving work that they simply don’t care about. Meaning they don’t care if YOU do it or not. So yes, if I clean my house to my own personal “good enough” standards, but my spouse demands “perfection”, then spouse can feel free to “pick up the slack” to make that happen, because I simply don’t give a sh!t about what I see as pointless busywork. Or, maybe leaving a task to finish later (myself) because right now, I just don’t feel like it. If spouse decides that it is imperative to complete the task right now! and they finish it rather than wait for me to do it, that’s on them.

+1. The one who wants things done to their standard needs to do more. Your spouse doesn’t care if laundry is in a basket. It is only you who insists they must be folded and put away that day. If not, then you’re a seething, dried-up monster.

Nothing to get through to your spouse. They do not care. You can nag, plead, beg, or threaten. It will not matter.

I was like you in my first marriage. I harped and barked at my ex to do his equal share. We both made substantial salaries, so each spouse should do their equal share. We ended up hating each other and divorced. Constant nagging and arguing over this stuff kills affection.

In my current marriage, we are a team. I let things go and help my spouse. I’m infinitely happier.

Exactly.
Like back on earlier pages: the dysfunctional one has the power in the relationship. Does whatever he wants, when he wants, how he wants. Women can pick up the pieces and keep the trains on the tracks. Done and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable to want things done to your standard if you are mostly the one to do them. I like my kitchen counters cleared off and wiped down at the end of the evening, even if they’re going to get some new crumbs and fingerprints first thing in the morning. My husband thinks this is silly. so almost all the time, I do it. But if I’m sick, or busy, or just seem stressed and he says “go make a cuppa tea, I’ll finish the kitchen” he’ll do it. Because he loves me and wants to do things to make me happy, and if he says “I’ll finish the kitchen” and forget to clean the counters, I don’t complain because I love him and I appreciate the thought.

The up to snuff standard thing is a problem.

But the leaving tasks incomplete and peetering out on everything is bizarre.

You don’t do that at work- send out a memo trialing odd mid sentence in a section, or assemble a car but leave it on the line with a few parts sitting out, or start cleaning a patients teeth but skip one side.

My guess is passive aggressiveness and pissed they are being told to do housework, or mental disorders they don’t care to improve on.

It’s definitely relationship killing to know you can’t count on your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)

OMG you sometimes have to DUMP a BASKET?!?! What an effing nightmare! How do you even live??

You got me! This entire conversation is about having to dump a basket once. What a fool I am for not just dumping it once and moving on with my life.

Thanks so much. I’ve seen the light. Your wisdom is unparalleled.

The entire conversation is actually about your (and your fellow “sufferers”) refusal to accept that you are not, in fact, your spouse’s boss.

Your preferred way of handling household tasks is merely that - your *preference*. You prefer laundry folded and put away immediately, your spouse prefers to leave clean clothes in baskets. These two strategies are obviously incompatible, but that does NOT mean that YOU are RIGHT, and HE is WRONG.

Accomplishing housework to an 80% standard implies that the essentials to keep life functioning have been handled (e.g. the clothes are clean even if they are in the dryer, the majority of the dishes are clean even if they’re in the dishwasher, the kids are dressed even if they’re in mismatched socks, etc.)

While there has been a lot of talk of spouses leaving work because they expect their partners to finish it, at no point has anyone provided evidence of this expectation. It is more likely that your spouses are leaving work that they simply don’t care about. Meaning they don’t care if YOU do it or not. So yes, if I clean my house to my own personal “good enough” standards, but my spouse demands “perfection”, then spouse can feel free to “pick up the slack” to make that happen, because I simply don’t give a sh!t about what I see as pointless busywork. Or, maybe leaving a task to finish later (myself) because right now, I just don’t feel like it. If spouse decides that it is imperative to complete the task right now! and they finish it rather than wait for me to do it, that’s on them.

That was my spouse’s MO. And then I turned it on them.

Having a clean kitchen when I cook is a nonnegotiable for me, I can’t be forced to cook in a kitchen that’s a total mess. So, I’ll take my sweet time cleaning to the detriment of anything else, dinner and any plans be damned. My spouse eventually learned that while they don’t have to clean to “my standards”, nothing else gets done until the stuff is clean to my standards. I may call an ambulance for them in case of emergency, but that’s about it.

And no, they did not divorce me.

Same here, couldn’t make dinner because he left all his breakfast and lunch dishes everywhere, crumbs, utensils. No counter space so we didn’t start cooking until HE cleaned up HIS mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable to want things done to your standard if you are mostly the one to do them. I like my kitchen counters cleared off and wiped down at the end of the evening, even if they’re going to get some new crumbs and fingerprints first thing in the morning. My husband thinks this is silly. so almost all the time, I do it. But if I’m sick, or busy, or just seem stressed and he says “go make a cuppa tea, I’ll finish the kitchen” he’ll do it. Because he loves me and wants to do things to make me happy, and if he says “I’ll finish the kitchen” and forget to clean the counters, I don’t complain because I love him and I appreciate the thought.

The up to snuff standard thing is a problem.

But the leaving tasks incomplete and peetering out on everything is bizarre.

You don’t do that at work- send out a memo trialing odd mid sentence in a section, or assemble a car but leave it on the line with a few parts sitting out, or start cleaning a patients teeth but skip one side.

My guess is passive aggressiveness and pissed they are being told to do housework, or mental disorders they don’t care to improve on.

It’s definitely relationship killing to know you can’t count on your spouse.

It’s ok to 80% of a thing because 80% is

[Anonymous]

What if you do 80% of 70% of the things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you do 80% of 70% of the things?

What if you think the whole pie is 6 tasks and you do 80% of 50% of those and believe you’re killing it.

But the pie is actually 30 things but yours too self centered and ignorant to care, despite being told the 30 tasks and asked to pull your weight.

Then what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why it’s so bad to help with the laundry. It’s not like you don’t know that he’s going to leave the clean laundry in a pile. You “watched” the laundry pile up all day without offering to help? WTF? It appears to be some sort of bean counting, and that’s never good for a marriage. Ask yourself “how important is it to ask your spouse to do a task they hate and cause tension in your marriage over it?” It’s laundry. This isn’t important. Just work as a team. Or you could nag and be miserable, but that doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Serious question (and I’m not OP)
What do I do when we’ve already had this conversation? Multiple times? And he’s good about it for about a month, then slips back to previous behavior? And we’ve been married for close to 20 years? Am I the one who’s just supposed to suck it up ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time? How does resentment not build?

Just.do.your.OWN.effing.laundry.

Duh.

I do. But he puts loads in of his stuff and the kids. And just leaves it there. All over the place. On top of the dryer. In random piles. Sitting in the basket for days. Then I have to dump the basket when I need to use it. (We have multiple baskets. He’ll fill them all. So please don’t tell me to buy another basket)

OMG you sometimes have to DUMP a BASKET?!?! What an effing nightmare! How do you even live??

You got me! This entire conversation is about having to dump a basket once. What a fool I am for not just dumping it once and moving on with my life.

Thanks so much. I’ve seen the light. Your wisdom is unparalleled.

The entire conversation is actually about your (and your fellow “sufferers”) refusal to accept that you are not, in fact, your spouse’s boss.

Your preferred way of handling household tasks is merely that - your *preference*. You prefer laundry folded and put away immediately, your spouse prefers to leave clean clothes in baskets. These two strategies are obviously incompatible, but that does NOT mean that YOU are RIGHT, and HE is WRONG.

Accomplishing housework to an 80% standard implies that the essentials to keep life functioning have been handled (e.g. the clothes are clean even if they are in the dryer, the majority of the dishes are clean even if they’re in the dishwasher, the kids are dressed even if they’re in mismatched socks, etc.)

While there has been a lot of talk of spouses leaving work because they expect their partners to finish it, at no point has anyone provided evidence of this expectation. It is more likely that your spouses are leaving work that they simply don’t care about. Meaning they don’t care if YOU do it or not. So yes, if I clean my house to my own personal “good enough” standards, but my spouse demands “perfection”, then spouse can feel free to “pick up the slack” to make that happen, because I simply don’t give a sh!t about what I see as pointless busywork. Or, maybe leaving a task to finish later (myself) because right now, I just don’t feel like it. If spouse decides that it is imperative to complete the task right now! and they finish it rather than wait for me to do it, that’s on them.

Come on.

Don’t conflate only finishing 80% of a task with fully finishing something to 80% of standard.

The former is incomplete.

The latter is cutting corner.

And of course with adhd it’s often both, fun!

You will never get it. Your way is merely a way, not the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you do 80% of 70% of the things?

What if you think the whole pie is 6 tasks and you do 80% of 50% of those and believe you’re killing it.

But the pie is actually 30 things but yours too self centered and ignorant to care, despite being told the 30 tasks and asked to pull your weight.

Then what?

What if you insist on giving 100% to every task when 80% would do and you convince your husband into doing the same and now you’re both spending hours extra every week executing every chore to a perfect and complete standard? What could you do with that extra time? What is the opportunity cost?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you do 80% of 70% of the things?

What if you think the whole pie is 6 tasks and you do 80% of 50% of those and believe you’re killing it.

But the pie is actually 30 things but yours too self centered and ignorant to care, despite being told the 30 tasks and asked to pull your weight.

Then what?

What if you insist on giving 100% to every task when 80% would do and you convince your husband into doing the same and now you’re both spending hours extra every week executing every chore to a perfect and complete standard? What could you do with that extra time? What is the opportunity cost?

Lol

Like that’s what chaotic ManBabies are doing. Optimizing the household.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable to want things done to your standard if you are mostly the one to do them. I like my kitchen counters cleared off and wiped down at the end of the evening, even if they’re going to get some new crumbs and fingerprints first thing in the morning. My husband thinks this is silly. so almost all the time, I do it. But if I’m sick, or busy, or just seem stressed and he says “go make a cuppa tea, I’ll finish the kitchen” he’ll do it. Because he loves me and wants to do things to make me happy, and if he says “I’ll finish the kitchen” and forget to clean the counters, I don’t complain because I love him and I appreciate the thought.

The up to snuff standard thing is a problem.

But the leaving tasks incomplete and peetering out on everything is bizarre.

You don’t do that at work- send out a memo trailing off mid sentence in a section, or assemble a car but leave it on the line with a few parts sitting out, or start cleaning a patients teeth but skip one side.

My guess is passive aggressiveness and pissed they are being told to do housework, or mental disorders they don’t care to improve on.

It’s definitely relationship killing to know you can’t count on your spouse.

Touche

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you do 80% of 70% of the things?

What if you think the whole pie is 6 tasks and you do 80% of 50% of those and believe you’re killing it.

But the pie is actually 30 things but yours too self centered and ignorant to care, despite being told the 30 tasks and asked to pull your weight.

Then what?

What if you insist on giving 100% to every task when 80% would do and you convince your husband into doing the same and now you’re both spending hours extra every week executing every chore to a perfect and complete standard? What could you do with that extra time? What is the opportunity cost?

Lol

Like that’s what chaotic ManBabies are doing. Optimizing the household.

Lol

Lol isn’t an answer. It’s a real question, and it’s not about optimizing the household. It’s about optimizing your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No matter what the household-related task is, DH will walk away and leave the final 20% of a task undone. It could be literally any task, but he has what seems like a pathological need to walk away before a task is complete.

Examples:

He'll go to the grocery store, but he'll leave 3 empty paper bags on the floor and non-perishables lined up on the counter.
He'll buy grass seed and sow some of it, but the half-filled sack will be left gaping in the front corner of the garage for the next 3 months and then he'll never water the grass seed so it doesn't germinate.
He'll run a load of laundry, but it will sit unfolded in the dryer until someone else sees it and deals with it.
He'll do the dishes, but leave the "weird" stuff in the sink and make up an excuse like he didn't know how to wash it or there was no room on the drying rack and it would take too long to dry the stuff on the rack.

I'm the only other adult in the house, so if he doesn't do something, I'm doing it.

When I call him out on it and/or argue that it's not doing a task if he leaves it for someone else to finish, he'll throw a fit and say I should be happy he did anything. This seems pretty unfair because it means I'm doing 100% of my chores plus 20% of what he's supposed to be doing. I'm exhausted because I know that not only is my work never done, but the moment I want to relax or use something or start something, I have to clean up his surprises first.

He gives me attitude for not celebrating him for doing his share.

Has anyone tried to reason with a man like this? Translate "you're acting like an immature parasite" into rational adult language for me, please!

This cracks me up but would be delusional to live with.

So sorry Op. Can you find any humor in this as a way to cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you do 80% of 70% of the things?

What if you think the whole pie is 6 tasks and you do 80% of 50% of those and believe you’re killing it.

But the pie is actually 30 things but yours too self centered and ignorant to care, despite being told the 30 tasks and asked to pull your weight.

Then what?

What if you insist on giving 100% to every task when 80% would do and you convince your husband into doing the same and now you’re both spending hours extra every week executing every chore to a perfect and complete standard? What could you do with that extra time? What is the opportunity cost?

Lol

Like that’s what chaotic ManBabies are doing. Optimizing the household.

Lol

Lol isn’t an answer. It’s a real question, and it’s not about optimizing the household. It’s about optimizing your life.

And guess what the best way to optimize your own solo life is: Do whatever the F you want and not a damn about anyone or anything else.

OPs spouse gets an A+ for optimizing HIS life.

Must be nice