my husband's mother hit my kid

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad that people are really arguing for keeping a grandma from her grandkid. My mom is the most gentle and kind person ever, but grew up in a culture where giving swats was a thing (and where people who were swat as kids do grow up to be kind and productive members of society). My mom would swat us as kids (never hard) but just as a way of saying "no." I made it very clear that we don't do that today with kids in the US and she has never swat my dd, but sometimes older people need to learn these things, especially when they come from different cultures.

And yet, somehow your mom has learned this without having to hit your child first. So it's not some sort of "coming of age in the USA" or some shit, clearly it's possible. Why are we giving violence a pass just because it's some old person?

Calling swatting "violence" is exactly the kind of catastrophizing and extremist language that makes me sad on behalf of society today.

+1000 Language is being weaponized.

+1 the over reaction and hyper snowflakeness of younger people are creating a bunch of people with no resilience and being too sensitive.

So you're ok with a teacher, librarian, police officer, fast food worker, crossing guard, etc "swatting" your kid?

I'm ok with grandparents disciplining my kid. Not strangers or non family members.

Do you expect the teacher to parent your kids? Do you treat the like family.

You people have completely lost the plot. You think a grandparent is like a teacher or a fast food worker. gtfo, and go seek therapy.

Perhaps it is you who needs therapy, or at least your kids will after you encourage trusted family members to hit them!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Are the pro-hitting people good if it’s a stranger? A teacher? Where’s the line on this permissiveness to hit children?

really? How dumb are you? Would you be ok with a total stranger at the park scolding your child and putting them in a time out and the naughty chair?

This is like saying punching a kid in the face is the same as swatting a kid on the butt.

As someone who was actually abused as a kid, your comparisons are offensive and ridiculous.

A teacher can absolutely give my kid a time out. But if a teacher laid a finger on my child I would immediately pursue legal action. Because no one can hit my kid— including me.

So for the pro-hitters, again, can a teacher hit your kid? If not why not?

that's not what you said? You said "Are the pro-hitting people good if it’s a stranger?", and yes, you included "teacher", but you started with stranger.

Teachers aren't family members. A grand"parent" can help raise a child. If OP doesn't want her MIL to raise her child, then don't have her babysit. Simple.

But, IMO OP is making a big deal out of something that's really not that big of a deal in terms of that child's life.

Teachers spend a lot more time with kids than babysitters do. And you wouldn’t want them hitting your kid. You may not agree with it or understand it but that’s the same feeling— that this person should not hit my kid— that motivates the non-hitting people here to say MIL was out of line.

[Anonymous]

So if you don’t believe in hitting as a punishment and have never done it, why is it ok for a grandparent to overstep your values and take it to that level. Most likely this is how she treated her son, that is all she knows. Quick to hit and put their hands on you …why is this ok?. That is an old mind set and antiquated abusive parenting. I was smacked around by my mother and grandmother, both of whom I think have a crazy gene. That is why I would never continue it to my child and be very angry with her. Team mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad that people are really arguing for keeping a grandma from her grandkid. My mom is the most gentle and kind person ever, but grew up in a culture where giving swats was a thing (and where people who were swat as kids do grow up to be kind and productive members of society). My mom would swat us as kids (never hard) but just as a way of saying "no." I made it very clear that we don't do that today with kids in the US and she has never swat my dd, but sometimes older people need to learn these things, especially when they come from different cultures.

And yet, somehow your mom has learned this without having to hit your child first. So it's not some sort of "coming of age in the USA" or some shit, clearly it's possible. Why are we giving violence a pass just because it's some old person?

Calling swatting "violence" is exactly the kind of catastrophizing and extremist language that makes me sad on behalf of society today.

+1000 Language is being weaponized.

+1 the over reaction and hyper snowflakeness of younger people are creating a bunch of people with no resilience and being too sensitive.

So you're ok with a teacher, librarian, police officer, fast food worker, crossing guard, etc "swatting" your kid?

I'm ok with grandparents disciplining my kid. Not strangers or non family members.

Do you expect the teacher to parent your kids? Do you treat the like family.

You people have completely lost the plot. You think a grandparent is like a teacher or a fast food worker. gtfo, and go seek therapy.

So the line is family? So second cousin Al is ok to hit your kid? Or what about a 20 year old nephew who is upset about something and your kid frustrates him juuuust a little too much? Or maybe Auntie Jane drinks a little too much wine at dinner and your kid says something she doesnt like, its ok if she slaps their mouth? Or sorry - swats - their mouth?

Not wanting this to happen to my kid doesnt mean I'm a "hyper snowflake", it means I take my job to love and protect my children as their parent seriously.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You do NOT hit my child because you are frustrated.

Grammy gets a long time out. Find another babysitter for a month or two and maybe consider going back to her after that.

No, you shouldn't but the child isn't going to suffer for it. Some of you are seriously over reacting.

It doesnt matter. If MIL will not respect my child (and no, hitting is not respectful in any sense) or my parenting, they do not get access.

If you think spanking is great, cool for you. But the second you try and spank my kid is where you are out of line (not you specifically, the general you/likely boomer grandparent).

A time out works wonders in these circumstances, so long as the parent can afford alternate childcare. I know not all parents have the financial flexibility to do so though.

You are over reacting.

Then its a good thing you are not my DH or MIL. I feel bad for your child if you allow any rando to smack them if they feel slightly frustrated.

Again, your kid is a little sh&t.
Grandma is not a “rando” by any stretch.
If the kid doesn’t have the good sense to treat his own grandmother with deference and kindness, you are a complete failure of a mother.
Despite what you may think of Grandma’s (or her generation’s) take on physical punishment, the fact remains that this entire discussion wouldn’t even be at issue of you had taught your child how to behave and interact appropriately toward his GRANDMOTHER.

And you were IN the house! Your kid feels so emboldened by you as it is that he had no issue defying his grandmother with you in the next room. And now that you are coming down overreacting to grandma’s frustrated reaction, you’ve just doubled down on his future lack of respect.

You are not replying to the OP. My kids are not little sh&ts and no grandparent has ever hit them. My kids know that I have their back and dont allow anyone to abuse them.

DP. Ok? But a swat is not abuse. Never has been, never will be. So not sure what you are referring to.

Swat: to hit with a sharp slapping blow usually with an instrument (such as a bat or flyswatter)
a powerful or crushing blow

Sounds pretty abusive.

OP said "essentially spanked" so we don't exactly know what it was. A spank? A swat? A tap? A brush off? OP didn't even see it so it makes no sense to parse words.

Youre right - title also says hit. Let's just go with that. Lots of pps trying to downplay "hit" into something more minor. It's much more acceptable to say you "swatted" a child or "tapped them" rather than admiting you hit your child. (or grandchild)

Either way, she didn't see it. Grandma touched the child. That's the only fact.

Child also yelled "Ow! Dont hit me!"

So? Children aren't reliable narrators. Grandma admitted what she did but the child didn't cry and no mark were left.

This is why the Asians are kicking our butts.

Because their parents beat them to keep them in line and it's not allowed here?

They aren’t raising wusses.

Why do people always say this? What do you mean pp? Please define your idea of a "wuss"

They knock their kids around to toughen them up. Oh and because their kids made them very very angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t hit, swat or pop my kids but if my kid was defiant to an elder and kicking at them I would be furious with them and not upset at the person’s reaction.

They would also be punished by me.

OP- why on earth do you think your kid acted like that?

Apparently the kid wanted to wear flip-flops not sneakers. Perhaps the child has sensory issues. I think an evaluation by a child psychologist or developmental pediatrician would be helpful. OP?

LOL

Anything to avoid having to actually *parent* your kid, huh?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad that people are really arguing for keeping a grandma from her grandkid. My mom is the most gentle and kind person ever, but grew up in a culture where giving swats was a thing (and where people who were swat as kids do grow up to be kind and productive members of society). My mom would swat us as kids (never hard) but just as a way of saying "no." I made it very clear that we don't do that today with kids in the US and she has never swat my dd, but sometimes older people need to learn these things, especially when they come from different cultures.

And yet, somehow your mom has learned this without having to hit your child first. So it's not some sort of "coming of age in the USA" or some shit, clearly it's possible. Why are we giving violence a pass just because it's some old person?

Calling swatting "violence" is exactly the kind of catastrophizing and extremist language that makes me sad on behalf of society today.

+1000 Language is being weaponized.

+1 the over reaction and hyper snowflakeness of younger people are creating a bunch of people with no resilience and being too sensitive.

So you're ok with a teacher, librarian, police officer, fast food worker, crossing guard, etc "swatting" your kid?

I'm ok with grandparents disciplining my kid. Not strangers or non family members.

Do you expect the teacher to parent your kids? Do you treat the like family.

You people have completely lost the plot. You think a grandparent is like a teacher or a fast food worker. gtfo, and go seek therapy.

So the line is family? So second cousin Al is ok to hit your kid? Or what about a 20 year old nephew who is upset about something and your kid frustrates him juuuust a little too much? Or maybe Auntie Jane drinks a little too much wine at dinner and your kid says something she doesnt like, its ok if she slaps their mouth? Or sorry - swats - their mouth?

Not wanting this to happen to my kid doesnt mean I'm a "hyper snowflake", it means I take my job to love and protect my children as their parent seriously.

you seriously need therapy. You are going down a rabbit hole there. Are you always such a drama queen and blow things out of proportion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad that people are really arguing for keeping a grandma from her grandkid. My mom is the most gentle and kind person ever, but grew up in a culture where giving swats was a thing (and where people who were swat as kids do grow up to be kind and productive members of society). My mom would swat us as kids (never hard) but just as a way of saying "no." I made it very clear that we don't do that today with kids in the US and she has never swat my dd, but sometimes older people need to learn these things, especially when they come from different cultures.

And yet, somehow your mom has learned this without having to hit your child first. So it's not some sort of "coming of age in the USA" or some shit, clearly it's possible. Why are we giving violence a pass just because it's some old person?

Calling swatting "violence" is exactly the kind of catastrophizing and extremist language that makes me sad on behalf of society today.

+1000 Language is being weaponized.

+1 the over reaction and hyper snowflakeness of younger people are creating a bunch of people with no resilience and being too sensitive.

So you're ok with a teacher, librarian, police officer, fast food worker, crossing guard, etc "swatting" your kid?

I'm ok with grandparents disciplining my kid. Not strangers or non family members.

Do you expect the teacher to parent your kids? Do you treat the like family.

You people have completely lost the plot. You think a grandparent is like a teacher or a fast food worker. gtfo, and go seek therapy.

So the line is family? So second cousin Al is ok to hit your kid? Or what about a 20 year old nephew who is upset about something and your kid frustrates him juuuust a little too much? Or maybe Auntie Jane drinks a little too much wine at dinner and your kid says something she doesnt like, its ok if she slaps their mouth? Or sorry - swats - their mouth?

Not wanting this to happen to my kid doesnt mean I'm a "hyper snowflake", it means I take my job to love and protect my children as their parent seriously.

you went from a swat on the leg, to smacking them on the mouth in one leap. Oh my. This is why it's hard to take some of you seriously.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

DP, but I also wouldn’t not get into a physical power struggle with an upset 4 y/o because that is likely to end up escalating and leading to me getting kicked (this is only something I’d do with a toddler who can’t be reasoned with).

In my house I give a “shoes on in 5 minutes” advance notice with some buffer time built in. If they do not out them on in 5 min, then I give a warning like “if we do not leave the house in 2 minutes we will be late to X event, and if we are late then we will not have time to do Y thing (something they want to do) later.” Or even just if we are late then people will think we are rude or whatever other natural consequence flows.

Basically I would try to make a logical connection to time being wasted.

Worst case if I really *had* to leave the house then I’d get them in the car in bare feet and bring the sneakers along. Hopefully they’d be calmed down by the time we get there.

Thank you for showing an actual example of natural consequences. Hitting a child because they dont put their shoes on right away is NOT a natural consequence, and I worry for that pps parenting skills.

You misunderstood. The hitting as natural consequences is not for not putting shoes on, specifically. It’s for being so completely rude and disrespectful that you have frustrated a person to the point that they want to hit you to make you stop. That doesn’t mean that person is CORRECT in hitting you, or even that you deserved it. It simply means that, like it or not, your own behavior does have an effect on other people, and that sometimes other people will lose control and hurt you, or hurt you because they think you have it coming. Essentially, this is an incredibly low stakes version of FAAFO.

You completely misunderstand (willfully likely) what natural consequences are. No child should be hit because YOU are frustrated. Hitting someone else is relieving YOU of anger and frustration. It is not teaching a child anything.

You are actively victim blaming here, and its wildly inappropriate. No, girls did not "Ask for it" while wearing a short dress. But to you, that is a "natural consequence" of dressing in a mini skirt and bikini top. The person doing the violence is always the one to blame, dismissing it with gentle language or saying they had it coming is disgusting.

And blaming someone else for the violence, and ending the conversation there, doesn’t empower your child to learn to avoid or at the very least not escalate situations that have a likelihood of becoming violent.

As to your silly example - “Asking for it” and “probably should have anticipated it could happen” are different. The latter is reality, unfortunately, no matter how unfair it is. I would prefer to teach my daughter that it’s a terrible idea to stroll down a dark alley in a mini skirt and bikini top, rather than reassuring her in the emergency room that she is not to blame for whatever someone neither she nor I have any control over chose to do. The world is what it is, and it is our responsibility to teach our children how to live in it. Sorry you think that’s disgusting.

This must be a man. Honestly really disgusting. I hope you don't have daughters. How many women have you r@ped? It sounds like quite a few women have been "asking for it" while in your presence.

JFC you are out of your GD mind, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any child who was physically struck cannot ever grow up to be a normal, productive member of society.

lol. Millions of people spank their kids though.

It's a low SES thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wasn’t babysitting.

You were sitting in the other room. Likely doing nothing, maybe fondling your iPhone.

I thought op was taking a shower. Reading fail, pp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any child who was physically struck cannot ever grow up to be a normal, productive member of society.

lol. Millions of people spank their kids though.

It's a low SES thing.

A low SES thing and something MC people hope no one finds out they do.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op here- For more context, I had just gotten out of the shower so I was getting dressed. My 4 year old was bent out of shape because he wanted to wear flip flops and we were going somewhere that required sneakers. I definitely did not like the way he was behaving but I don't think that deems him to be a nasty brat? I wouldn't have engaged in the power struggle with him. I would have put the shoes in front of him and headed towards the door. That type of approach typically works with him. My MIL (aka my husband's mother) was trying to forcibly put the shoes on for him and he kept yanking his feet away. I really do get it - that is maddening. But I would have never expected her to hit him! I was honestly stunned. I did appreciate her apology and transparency. I could tell she was embarrassed. But still...I can't imagine hitting someone else's child.

I feel like by hitting him, she muddied the waters because when I went to talk to him about what happened, I was more focused on "its never ok for anyone to hit you" rather than "your behavior was not ok".

When a child doesn't put their shoes on when asked, the usual way to deal with that is to just put them on the child. That's pretty common. Your way, of avoiding the issue by putting the shoes near the child and then moving away, is what I do for my ASD DC.

I don't think grandma is the issue here. Not sure if it's your DC or your parenting style, but something is unusual.

I would have absolutely given clear and firm instructtions ("put your shoes on") and then if he didn't, i would have also attempted to put them on myself. But if he started yanking his feet away, thats when I would have just said "We're leaving. Put your shoes on" and walked towards the door. Signaling that its time to move on. I don't think thats permissive. I guess is more gentle that spanking him?

And what happens when he still doesn’t put his shoes on after you have walked towards the door and you actually need to leave? Say you need to get to work or a funeral or the hospital or some other non-optional event that you can’t just call off? What do you do then?

DP, but I also wouldn’t not get into a physical power struggle with an upset 4 y/o because that is likely to end up escalating and leading to me getting kicked (this is only something I’d do with a toddler who can’t be reasoned with).

In my house I give a “shoes on in 5 minutes” advance notice with some buffer time built in. If they do not out them on in 5 min, then I give a warning like “if we do not leave the house in 2 minutes we will be late to X event, and if we are late then we will not have time to do Y thing (something they want to do) later.” Or even just if we are late then people will think we are rude or whatever other natural consequence flows.

Basically I would try to make a logical connection to time being wasted.

Worst case if I really *had* to leave the house then I’d get them in the car in bare feet and bring the sneakers along. Hopefully they’d be calmed down by the time we get there.

Thank you for showing an actual example of natural consequences. Hitting a child because they dont put their shoes on right away is NOT a natural consequence, and I worry for that pps parenting skills.

You misunderstood. The hitting as natural consequences is not for not putting shoes on, specifically. It’s for being so completely rude and disrespectful that you have frustrated a person to the point that they want to hit you to make you stop. That doesn’t mean that person is CORRECT in hitting you, or even that you deserved it. It simply means that, like it or not, your own behavior does have an effect on other people, and that sometimes other people will lose control and hurt you, or hurt you because they think you have it coming. Essentially, this is an incredibly low stakes version of FAAFO.

You completely misunderstand (willfully likely) what natural consequences are. No child should be hit because YOU are frustrated. Hitting someone else is relieving YOU of anger and frustration. It is not teaching a child anything.

You are actively victim blaming here, and its wildly inappropriate. No, girls did not "Ask for it" while wearing a short dress. But to you, that is a "natural consequence" of dressing in a mini skirt and bikini top. The person doing the violence is always the one to blame, dismissing it with gentle language or saying they had it coming is disgusting.

And blaming someone else for the violence, and ending the conversation there, doesn’t empower your child to learn to avoid or at the very least not escalate situations that have a likelihood of becoming violent.

As to your silly example - “Asking for it” and “probably should have anticipated it could happen” are different. The latter is reality, unfortunately, no matter how unfair it is. I would prefer to teach my daughter that it’s a terrible idea to stroll down a dark alley in a mini skirt and bikini top, rather than reassuring her in the emergency room that she is not to blame for whatever someone neither she nor I have any control over chose to do. The world is what it is, and it is our responsibility to teach our children how to live in it. Sorry you think that’s disgusting.

This must be a man. Honestly really disgusting. I hope you don't have daughters. How many women have you r@ped? It sounds like quite a few women have been "asking for it" while in your presence.

JFC you are out of your GD mind, lady.

Ever since this forum was posted on reddit so many incels have found it. Ugh. Go take your r@pe culture elsewhere incel. Why are you on a mom & dad forum if you have no kids and no one will sleep with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad that people are really arguing for keeping a grandma from her grandkid. My mom is the most gentle and kind person ever, but grew up in a culture where giving swats was a thing (and where people who were swat as kids do grow up to be kind and productive members of society). My mom would swat us as kids (never hard) but just as a way of saying "no." I made it very clear that we don't do that today with kids in the US and she has never swat my dd, but sometimes older people need to learn these things, especially when they come from different cultures.

And yet, somehow your mom has learned this without having to hit your child first. So it's not some sort of "coming of age in the USA" or some shit, clearly it's possible. Why are we giving violence a pass just because it's some old person?

Calling swatting "violence" is exactly the kind of catastrophizing and extremist language that makes me sad on behalf of society today.

+1000 Language is being weaponized.

+1 the over reaction and hyper snowflakeness of younger people are creating a bunch of people with no resilience and being too sensitive.

So you're ok with a teacher, librarian, police officer, fast food worker, crossing guard, etc "swatting" your kid?

I'm ok with grandparents disciplining my kid. Not strangers or non family members.

Do you expect the teacher to parent your kids? Do you treat the like family.

You people have completely lost the plot. You think a grandparent is like a teacher or a fast food worker. gtfo, and go seek therapy.

So the line is family? So second cousin Al is ok to hit your kid? Or what about a 20 year old nephew who is upset about something and your kid frustrates him juuuust a little too much? Or maybe Auntie Jane drinks a little too much wine at dinner and your kid says something she doesnt like, its ok if she slaps their mouth? Or sorry - swats - their mouth?

Not wanting this to happen to my kid doesnt mean I'm a "hyper snowflake", it means I take my job to love and protect my children as their parent seriously.

DP but it the honest answer to all of your questions is “it depends”. For example, if my 12 year old called Auntie Jane a fat f***ing b**** and she slapped him across the face, I’d be fine with it and you’d better believe the kid would be apologizing TO HER.

[Anonymous]

Its doesn't matter if its light spanking or hard and its OP, her mom, nanny, teacher, coach, sitter or MIL but this is unacceptable from a child development point of view. Period. It should be clear to anyone who takes care of any child. Yes, it was acceptable in past but so was smoking and drinking. We know better now so we should behave accordingly. Help MIL understand this boundary in kind but firm words so this isn't repeated. There is no need to ban her unless she ignores your boundary.