15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many assuming that's she's not NT or is socially awkward?!!!!She may have tons of friends in the neighborhood where she goes to school or lives most of the time with her mom. It's not hard to understand that she might not have any friends in her dad's neighborhood if she's only there every other weekend.

It's also possible that her friends were out socializing on a Saturday night--at the movies, the mall, or at a party and wouldn't want to spend the nght talking to her on their phones. She may have known that.

The OP assumed the girl would go down to the basement and play with the other, younger kids. She didn't want to---not exactly a surprise. And yes, the expected to babysit vibes are strong here. Moreover, while OP doesn't want to talk in front of the 15 year old, she expects the girl to taLk to her friends where the younger kids can hear her conversation or to play some game or something for which the odds are high the younger kids are going to want to use her phone. Does the OP even know for sure whether mom and/or dad have put restrictions on the amount of time she can spend on her phone?

I don't see anywhere that the OP offered another option---like if you don't want to play the videogames the kids are playing, there's a TV in the family room or bedroom; I'll show you where it is and how to work the TV. BTW, we have a Netflix, Prime, whatever subscription if there's a show you'd like to watch. Or your dad said you like to draw...I put out some colored pencils and sketch books if you would like to draw..

No, the OP gave her a choice---stay with the little kids or the adults. I think MOST 15 year olds would make the same choice.

Op here- oh that’s a good idea! Thanks! I didn’t think to offer that she could watch her own shows on the tv in the guest room but I should have done so. It honestly didn’t cross my mind.

I did offer her an adult coloring book after she had been sitting with and talking to us for about 2 hours and she politely declined in a way that seemed like that was a silly thing for me to do.

Thanks for the recommendations!

Please do her a favor and don’t invite her again. You clearly don’t want her company and seem to hold her in contempt.

I understand that adult coloring books can be cool, but to suggest that a teen go color is just insulting.

Imagine you and your husband were invited to a sports party and the wives were chatting, but you wandered in to watch the game and the host asked if you didn’t want to go back and chat with the women would you like to color? bake? do something else womanly or at least go away and stop bothering him?

If you invite her, she is your guest and you should make her welcome. If she’s not welcome, then don’t invite her.

Of course I made her feel welcomed. We chatted with her at least 50% of the time we were all together (so probably for 2 hours at least). I wasn’t like, oh go away and color I just sort of thought she wouldn’t want to just sit and talk to 4 adults for 4 hours straight. I was wrong about that, hence the initial post.

DP Actually, you probably were right about that — you just needed to offer her reasonable options. As a guest in your home, it wouldn’t have been polite for her to, say, ask you if she could go to another room and watch TV, or go somewhere else and focus on her phone. From her perspective, I think she saw only 2 options — and picked the most palatable of the two.

If she comes again, maybe tell her, as a PP suggested, that if she wants to watch TV or chill, she’s welcome to use the sunroom or whatever. It’s on you — or an adult in your household — to let her know what you’re comfortable having her do while she’s a guest in your home.

Thank you for the good advice. This is helpful. I don’t normally clean up the guest room/sitting area when we have friends over for dinner but I totally could do that just in case the next time they visit. Thanks for the help!

[Anonymous]

If you offer her the opportunity to watch TV by herself she’s likely to accept because I imagine her participation in the adult conversation was even more awkward for her than you.

HOWEVER, you need to keep in mind that anytime you offer someone a choice, they may not choose according to your preferences. You need to consider the possibility that after cleaning up the guest room/sitting area and offering her the opportunity to watch TV or privacy for using her phone, she might politely decline and indicate that she’d rather join the adults again in conversation. It also seems awkward to go to a party to sit by yourself doing what you could have done more comfortably at home.

There’s an old saying about making assumptions. Whatever you might feel would be her best choice doesn’t mean she’ll necessarily agree. By all means, offer her whatever options you want, but be prepared for her to have her own opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you offer her the opportunity to watch TV by herself she’s likely to accept because I imagine her participation in the adult conversation was even more awkward for her than you.

HOWEVER, you need to keep in mind that anytime you offer someone a choice, they may not choose according to your preferences. You need to consider the possibility that after cleaning up the guest room/sitting area and offering her the opportunity to watch TV or privacy for using her phone, she might politely decline and indicate that she’d rather join the adults again in conversation. It also seems awkward to go to a party to sit by yourself doing what you could have done more comfortably at home.

There’s an old saying about making assumptions. Whatever you might feel would be her best choice doesn’t mean she’ll necessarily agree. By all means, offer her whatever options you want, but be prepared for her to have her own opinions.

Of course I am aware of this, but thank you for letting me know. She did ask if we had any finger painting and paper mache supplies available as she felt inspired to create a totem of a bird that was at our feeder, so maybe I’ll make sure to have those supplies ready next time as well.

[Anonymous]

Weird thread to go so long. OP you aren’t wrong, it’s weird and I have a friend with a kid this age. When I’m with my friends I don’t want to worry about cursing or speaking about anything. Can’t do that with a teen. Plus they are boring to talk to but you do it to be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you offer her the opportunity to watch TV by herself she’s likely to accept because I imagine her participation in the adult conversation was even more awkward for her than you.

HOWEVER, you need to keep in mind that anytime you offer someone a choice, they may not choose according to your preferences. You need to consider the possibility that after cleaning up the guest room/sitting area and offering her the opportunity to watch TV or privacy for using her phone, she might politely decline and indicate that she’d rather join the adults again in conversation. It also seems awkward to go to a party to sit by yourself doing what you could have done more comfortably at home.

There’s an old saying about making assumptions. Whatever you might feel would be her best choice doesn’t mean she’ll necessarily agree. By all means, offer her whatever options you want, but be prepared for her to have her own opinions.

Of course I am aware of this, but thank you for letting me know. She did ask if we had any finger painting and paper mache supplies available as she felt inspired to create a totem of a bird that was at our feeder, so maybe I’ll make sure to have those supplies ready next time as well.

DP That’s a great idea. Jigsaw puzzles, crosswords, sketchpads, even the coloring books. If they’re just there in the room, and you indicate that she’s welcome to use them, that might go over well. And if she chooses to hang out in the sitting room, one of you can check in with refreshments — so she doesn’t feel banished.

[Anonymous]

When I was 15, I would have 1-million-times rather hung out with adults than pre-teens. I spent many, many evenings chilling with my mom and her long-term bf and other friends over dinner, homework at the kitchen counter while they had drinks (this was before cell phones or other devices).

My 15yo DC is the same way. Any gathering with kids and adults, he heads straight for the adults. And converses nicely with us! I honestly don't censor what we say around him. Maybe I'm just super boring and wouldn't normally talk about things that would be inappropriate for a 15yo ... but really, what is? I don't censor his reading, movies, .... we talk about questionable stuff so that he knows my views on it, but nothing is off limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird thread to go so long. OP you aren’t wrong, it’s weird and I have a friend with a kid this age. When I’m with my friends I don’t want to worry about cursing or speaking about anything. Can’t do that with a teen. Plus they are boring to talk to but you do it to be nice.

I think it’s a great thread — in that OP is clearly trying to be an understanding host, and get help with that, while the girl is clearly trying to be a good guest. It’s nice when everyone is trying their best — and is open to adjusting things for everyone’s comfort. I feel for this kid. If she were at her Mom’s, she’d probably have the option of staying at home or doing something with her friends. Instead, she made a valiant effort— in an unfamiliar environmental that had some challenges.

PP, I’d guess that teens might feel like you — stuck with Olds, and unfamiliar Olds at that. They “don’t want to worry about cursing or speaking about anything. Can’t do that with (an Old). Plus (Olds) are boring to talk to but you do it to be nice.”

This reminds me that I met a lifelong friend when I was 12 — and she was a 24 year old young mom, who lived next door. OP, you never know where these friendships might take you, but I’m sure the girl will appreciate and remember your kindness.

[Anonymous]

As a divorced mom, I'd feel bad for my child if they were in this position. That's their designated time with their dad. The dad isn't supposed to be doing activities where his kid basically just sits in the "waiting room" till he's done. It's his chance to be engaging with his kid, just like she's supposed to be spending time with him instead of with her mom. It's bad enough that she now has to share him with his new family that she's not really a full part of since she doesn't live with them. You're lucky they didn't just decline the invitation.

This feels like a case of OP not appreciating the great variation in people's family situations.

[Anonymous]

OP: I think many folks are being too mean to you, but I would chalk quite a bit of this up to you being a parent of younger kids. I know basically 0 teenagers who would ever choose the option to go hang out w/ little kids they don't know in what would 100% amount to a babysitting situation. The fact that you later said they could go watch whatever movie the little kids were watching and thought again that they'd want to go... babysit is kind of crazy.

Most teens I know would not only expect to stay for the adult dinner... they would expect to be expected to stay for the adult dinner unless the little kids were family members/very good family friends. Like even if they'd rather go read a book or play video games most of our friends' teens would know that they right answer was to be polite, eat & socialize.

Now, after dinner is a different story... I think then it would depend on the activity. They would typically stay & join in a board game or family game (charades) and we'd often pull in anyone 8+ or so for that as well. If, instead, it was really just adults chatting over drinks, most teens would happily excuse themselves if they had a non-boring/non-babysitting option. TV/computer in a private room, for instance. Here there's the complicating factor that the teen may not get to see her dad a lot... and the dad has a brand new wife & kid! In those circumstances, I would never make a big deal out of trying to get rid of the kid. I'd offer TV/computer once and say it was a standing offer and the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What on earth did you expect to talk about that you couldn't broach in front of a 15 year old? Your swinging proposition? Your binges? Your new sex tape?

Teens are developmentally ready to talk with adults. I have an 18 year old in college and a 13 year old - they can talk and opine about current events, and they're mature enough to hear about personal struggles (sanitized for the 13 year old). When he was 15, my son would often hang out with the adults, because we have a social circle where he has always been the oldest. So unless his friends were there, he would gravitate towards us, listen nonchalantly and interject perfectly appropriate comments or questions.

I know you think your teens are fascinating, but adults don’t want to spend all evening talking to them. Sorry.

No, she shouldn’t have been a babysitter, but she should have stayed home alone and if there’s a valid reason that isn’t feasible, go into another room with her phone.

Are you the OP now just posting in third person because this lack of empathy reeks of OP. This 15yo is in a split custody situation. Of course she is going to want to spend time with her dad just as he wants to spend time with her. All these updates with mixed signals, oh she was boring, pedantic and discussed in depth being a vegan but also she was just lovely...sounds like a troll.

Nope, not the OP. Just an adult who doesn’t want to chat ALL NIGHT with your high school kid (and who recognizes that others adults don’t want to spend the whole time chatting with mine).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- wow! So much judgement and hate already in this thread! Dcum never fails to dish up the vitriol.

Thanks to everyone kind for their reasonable responses. These are new friends and I’m not close enough with the woman to address it. Of course I understand and applaud it if the dad wants to spend time with his daughter on their weekends. She was lovely and a great guest. However, I would prefer not to spend my limited Saturday nights socializing with a 15 year old after being with my own kids all day.

I do think it may be an only child thing (she’s an only child on his side)

truth hurts.

Nothing the people trashing the OP are saying is “truth.” It’s stupidity. If you want to spend the entire night chatting with a teenager, you’re very odd, but hey, you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you ATA here.

You're immature and selfish.

This man is being a great dad to his daughter, if you are really their friends you would welcome their teen to your table-- the more the merrier.

The fact that you tried to fob her off onto screens (movie and vied games) and she preferred to be with actual humans having areal conversations speaks volumes about both of your values and character.

Won't be surprised when this attitude bites you in the arse when your own kids become teens.

You’re ridiculous. This isn’t going to “bite OP in the arse” (stop with the affectation — you’re not British, and don’t lie and say you are), because she will establish appropriation boundaries with her teenagers so they don’t hang around and interrupt adults trying to have a conversation all night.

Ha! I am dual citizenship, but there's no way for you to know either way is there?

And these boundaries you "establish" will work with ways once the kids are older! You and the other parents of little ones don't get it -- that's what me and other posters are trying to tell you. Your disinterest towards teens is ugly, and will only hurt your own relationships later.

(I would say "start as you mean to go" but then I might be accused of faking being British again.)

My oldest two kids are in high school and college and I agree with OP. You fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another question from OP- obviously, my oldest kid is 11. I don’t know any 15 year olds well at all (no close friends with kids that age). Why would I be expected to know their developmental level and what’s appropriate/typical behavior? That’s literally what I’m here asking about but people are criticizing me for…not knowing what I don’t know? What I came here to ask? Too funny

Bet you have an immature 11 year old boy you don’t enjoy. My teen girls are lovely.

I’m sure you enjoy them. Other adults don’t want to listen to them past 30 minutes though. Run along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve experienced this too. Usually the teen is not as precocious as the parents think she and no adults aren’t crazy for not wanting to socialize with a 15 year old for 3 hours.

+1,000,009

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the parents' fault. If that happened, I would say to my daughter, ok the adults are going to hang for a bit, could you either chill with the kids or maybe play on your phone for a while? There is nothing the host can do about the rude guests. If the child is not a family member of BOTH the host and the guest (so niece or cousin), this is rude. I would prob shoo my teens away even if family if I got the sense my SIL wanted to chat about stuff she didn't want them to hear.

Absolutely. This is simple and common sense. Dad should have been emotionally tuned in to when his daughter might have overstayed her welcome at the adults' table and gently nudged her along.

Thank you. How astonishing how many of the supposed adults in this thread are choosing not to get this.