15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love how this thread turned into everyone bragging about their ability to socialize with children on a Saturday night and how much they love it …. Post it again in a month OP and say you love hanging out with your friends teens and the same people will come ridicule you for being weird. It’s just about being critical. Next thread

Op here- hahaha yes! Thanks for this!! I honestly can’t believe so many people are getting worked up about this. 15 year olds are fine and all, but they’re not adults and when there are two couples and a 15 year old engaged in a heavy conversational dynamic for 4 hours it does feel forced and awkward.

Also, I realize I was not clear with this piece of info- I did not know that the dad had a teenaged daughter and shared custody. We know the wife through my husband and she recently married him and had a child together. Like I said, we don’t know them well which is why we invited them over for dinner.

Most of our friends have kids our kids ages or younger, it’s normal to feed them first then they run off to play or have a movie night if they want to do that. Our other friends with teens have always left them home, just saying the kids had other things to do or straight up didn’t want to come hang with a bunch of babies. That makes sense 😊

OP, NP, and I’m totally with you. Why was she there if she wasn’t there to hang with the children? It’s not like she’s your goddaughter - I take pleasure in seeing my very close friends’ kids, but otherwise leave your teenager at home. She doesn’t need to play with the younger kids but she needs to leave the adults alone.

Any teenager who wants to hang out with adults is used to them modifying conversation to include them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love how this thread turned into everyone bragging about their ability to socialize with children on a Saturday night and how much they love it …. Post it again in a month OP and say you love hanging out with your friends teens and the same people will come ridicule you for being weird. It’s just about being critical. Next thread

Op here- hahaha yes! Thanks for this!! I honestly can’t believe so many people are getting worked up about this. 15 year olds are fine and all, but they’re not adults and when there are two couples and a 15 year old engaged in a heavy conversational dynamic for 4 hours it does feel forced and awkward.

Also, I realize I was not clear with this piece of info- I did not know that the dad had a teenaged daughter and shared custody. We know the wife through my husband and she recently married him and had a child together. Like I said, we don’t know them well which is why we invited them over for dinner.

Most of our friends have kids our kids ages or younger, it’s normal to feed them first then they run off to play or have a movie night if they want to do that. Our other friends with teens have always left them home, just saying the kids had other things to do or straight up didn’t want to come hang with a bunch of babies. That makes sense 😊

OP, NP, and I’m totally with you. Why was she there if she wasn’t there to hang with the children? It’s not like she’s your goddaughter - I take pleasure in seeing my very close friends’ kids, but otherwise leave your teenager at home. She doesn’t need to play with the younger kids but she needs to leave the adults alone.

Any teenager who wants to hang out with adults is used to them modifying conversation to include them.

And see I'd much rather have a polite teen than a bunch of unruly grade schoolers running around my basement and needing separate food prepared ahead of time. So glad THAT's over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love how this thread turned into everyone bragging about their ability to socialize with children on a Saturday night and how much they love it …. Post it again in a month OP and say you love hanging out with your friends teens and the same people will come ridicule you for being weird. It’s just about being critical. Next thread

Op here- hahaha yes! Thanks for this!! I honestly can’t believe so many people are getting worked up about this. 15 year olds are fine and all, but they’re not adults and when there are two couples and a 15 year old engaged in a heavy conversational dynamic for 4 hours it does feel forced and awkward.

Also, I realize I was not clear with this piece of info- I did not know that the dad had a teenaged daughter and shared custody. We know the wife through my husband and she recently married him and had a child together. Like I said, we don’t know them well which is why we invited them over for dinner.

Most of our friends have kids our kids ages or younger, it’s normal to feed them first then they run off to play or have a movie night if they want to do that. Our other friends with teens have always left them home, just saying the kids had other things to do or straight up didn’t want to come hang with a bunch of babies. That makes sense 😊

OP, NP, and I’m totally with you. Why was she there if she wasn’t there to hang with the children? It’s not like she’s your goddaughter - I take pleasure in seeing my very close friends’ kids, but otherwise leave your teenager at home. She doesn’t need to play with the younger kids but she needs to leave the adults alone.

Any teenager who wants to hang out with adults is used to them modifying conversation to include them.

Her Dad and stepmother probably made her come. And she was being polite and well-behaved despite probably not wanting to be there. She’s too young to drive, and with shared custody, might not have a solid friend group near her home with her Dad. She probably didn’t WANT to hang out with the adults— but chose it as the best available option.

[Anonymous]

Why are so many assuming that's she's not NT or is socially awkward?!!!!She may have tons of friends in the neighborhood where she goes to school or lives most of the time with her mom. It's not hard to understand that she might not have any friends in her dad's neighborhood if she's only there every other weekend.

It's also possible that her friends were out socializing on a Saturday night--at the movies, the mall, or at a party and wouldn't want to spend the nght talking to her on their phones. She may have known that.

The OP assumed the girl would go down to the basement and play with the other, younger kids. She didn't want to---not exactly a surprise. And yes, the expected to babysit vibes are strong here. Moreover, while OP doesn't want to talk in front of the 15 year old, she expects the girl to taLk to her friends where the younger kids can hear her conversation or to play some game or something for which the odds are high the younger kids are going to want to use her phone. Does the OP even know for sure whether mom and/or dad have put restrictions on the amount of time she can spend on her phone?

I don't see anywhere that the OP offered another option---like if you don't want to play the videogames the kids are playing, there's a TV in the family room or bedroom; I'll show you where it is and how to work the TV. BTW, we have a Netflix, Prime, whatever subscription if there's a show you'd like to watch. Or your dad said you like to draw...I put out some colored pencils and sketch books if you would like to draw..

No, the OP gave her a choice---stay with the little kids or the adults. I think MOST 15 year olds would make the same choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many assuming that's she's not NT or is socially awkward?!!!!She may have tons of friends in the neighborhood where she goes to school or lives most of the time with her mom. It's not hard to understand that she might not have any friends in her dad's neighborhood if she's only there every other weekend.

It's also possible that her friends were out socializing on a Saturday night--at the movies, the mall, or at a party and wouldn't want to spend the nght talking to her on their phones. She may have known that.

The OP assumed the girl would go down to the basement and play with the other, younger kids. She didn't want to---not exactly a surprise. And yes, the expected to babysit vibes are strong here. Moreover, while OP doesn't want to talk in front of the 15 year old, she expects the girl to taLk to her friends where the younger kids can hear her conversation or to play some game or something for which the odds are high the younger kids are going to want to use her phone. Does the OP even know for sure whether mom and/or dad have put restrictions on the amount of time she can spend on her phone?

I don't see anywhere that the OP offered another option---like if you don't want to play the videogames the kids are playing, there's a TV in the family room or bedroom; I'll show you where it is and how to work the TV. BTW, we have a Netflix, Prime, whatever subscription if there's a show you'd like to watch. Or your dad said you like to draw...I put out some colored pencils and sketch books if you would like to draw..

No, the OP gave her a choice---stay with the little kids or the adults. I think MOST 15 year olds would make the same choice.

Not even that. OP never expressed to the teen or her parents that she wanted her to leave. They are supposed to be mind readers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many assuming that's she's not NT or is socially awkward?!!!!She may have tons of friends in the neighborhood where she goes to school or lives most of the time with her mom. It's not hard to understand that she might not have any friends in her dad's neighborhood if she's only there every other weekend.

It's also possible that her friends were out socializing on a Saturday night--at the movies, the mall, or at a party and wouldn't want to spend the nght talking to her on their phones. She may have known that.

The OP assumed the girl would go down to the basement and play with the other, younger kids. She didn't want to---not exactly a surprise. And yes, the expected to babysit vibes are strong here. Moreover, while OP doesn't want to talk in front of the 15 year old, she expects the girl to taLk to her friends where the younger kids can hear her conversation or to play some game or something for which the odds are high the younger kids are going to want to use her phone. Does the OP even know for sure whether mom and/or dad have put restrictions on the amount of time she can spend on her phone?

I don't see anywhere that the OP offered another option---like if you don't want to play the videogames the kids are playing, there's a TV in the family room or bedroom; I'll show you where it is and how to work the TV. BTW, we have a Netflix, Prime, whatever subscription if there's a show you'd like to watch. Or your dad said you like to draw...I put out some colored pencils and sketch books if you would like to draw..

No, the OP gave her a choice---stay with the little kids or the adults. I think MOST 15 year olds would make the same choice.

Op here- oh that’s a good idea! Thanks! I didn’t think to offer that she could watch her own shows on the tv in the guest room but I should have done so. It honestly didn’t cross my mind.

I did offer her an adult coloring book after she had been sitting with and talking to us for about 2 hours and she politely declined in a way that seemed like that was a silly thing for me to do.

Thanks for the recommendations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many assuming that's she's not NT or is socially awkward?!!!!She may have tons of friends in the neighborhood where she goes to school or lives most of the time with her mom. It's not hard to understand that she might not have any friends in her dad's neighborhood if she's only there every other weekend.

It's also possible that her friends were out socializing on a Saturday night--at the movies, the mall, or at a party and wouldn't want to spend the nght talking to her on their phones. She may have known that.

The OP assumed the girl would go down to the basement and play with the other, younger kids. She didn't want to---not exactly a surprise. And yes, the expected to babysit vibes are strong here. Moreover, while OP doesn't want to talk in front of the 15 year old, she expects the girl to taLk to her friends where the younger kids can hear her conversation or to play some game or something for which the odds are high the younger kids are going to want to use her phone. Does the OP even know for sure whether mom and/or dad have put restrictions on the amount of time she can spend on her phone?

I don't see anywhere that the OP offered another option---like if you don't want to play the videogames the kids are playing, there's a TV in the family room or bedroom; I'll show you where it is and how to work the TV. BTW, we have a Netflix, Prime, whatever subscription if there's a show you'd like to watch. Or your dad said you like to draw...I put out some colored pencils and sketch books if you would like to draw..

No, the OP gave her a choice---stay with the little kids or the adults. I think MOST 15 year olds would make the same choice.

Op here- oh that’s a good idea! Thanks! I didn’t think to offer that she could watch her own shows on the tv in the guest room but I should have done so. It honestly didn’t cross my mind.

I did offer her an adult coloring book after she had been sitting with and talking to us for about 2 hours and she politely declined in a way that seemed like that was a silly thing for me to do.

Thanks for the recommendations!

Please do her a favor and don’t invite her again. You clearly don’t want her company and seem to hold her in contempt.

I understand that adult coloring books can be cool, but to suggest that a teen go color is just insulting.

Imagine you and your husband were invited to a sports party and the wives were chatting, but you wandered in to watch the game and the host asked if you didn’t want to go back and chat with the women would you like to color? bake? do something else womanly or at least go away and stop bothering him?

If you invite her, she is your guest and you should make her welcome. If she’s not welcome, then don’t invite her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Okay. So if this is normal, I just need to prepare to socialize with my friends and a 15 year old everytime we host them?

Im aware this sounds stupid, but do you all just sort of accept that you have to chat with boring and pedantic teens now (this one was a vegan and told us all about it) when you are trying to socialize with other adults?

I get it that you were annoyed I do but I dont think that it is abnormal for the kid. I think next time when you hang out with this couple you should do it kid free. Your kids are getting older too and before you know they will be around to annoy you when you are trying to hang with the adults. Best to just not even have them in the house when hosting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many assuming that's she's not NT or is socially awkward?!!!!She may have tons of friends in the neighborhood where she goes to school or lives most of the time with her mom. It's not hard to understand that she might not have any friends in her dad's neighborhood if she's only there every other weekend.

It's also possible that her friends were out socializing on a Saturday night--at the movies, the mall, or at a party and wouldn't want to spend the nght talking to her on their phones. She may have known that.

The OP assumed the girl would go down to the basement and play with the other, younger kids. She didn't want to---not exactly a surprise. And yes, the expected to babysit vibes are strong here. Moreover, while OP doesn't want to talk in front of the 15 year old, she expects the girl to taLk to her friends where the younger kids can hear her conversation or to play some game or something for which the odds are high the younger kids are going to want to use her phone. Does the OP even know for sure whether mom and/or dad have put restrictions on the amount of time she can spend on her phone?

I don't see anywhere that the OP offered another option---like if you don't want to play the videogames the kids are playing, there's a TV in the family room or bedroom; I'll show you where it is and how to work the TV. BTW, we have a Netflix, Prime, whatever subscription if there's a show you'd like to watch. Or your dad said you like to draw...I put out some colored pencils and sketch books if you would like to draw..

No, the OP gave her a choice---stay with the little kids or the adults. I think MOST 15 year olds would make the same choice.

Op here- oh that’s a good idea! Thanks! I didn’t think to offer that she could watch her own shows on the tv in the guest room but I should have done so. It honestly didn’t cross my mind.

I did offer her an adult coloring book after she had been sitting with and talking to us for about 2 hours and she politely declined in a way that seemed like that was a silly thing for me to do.

Thanks for the recommendations!

Please do her a favor and don’t invite her again. You clearly don’t want her company and seem to hold her in contempt.

I understand that adult coloring books can be cool, but to suggest that a teen go color is just insulting.

Imagine you and your husband were invited to a sports party and the wives were chatting, but you wandered in to watch the game and the host asked if you didn’t want to go back and chat with the women would you like to color? bake? do something else womanly or at least go away and stop bothering him?

If you invite her, she is your guest and you should make her welcome. If she’s not welcome, then don’t invite her.

Of course I made her feel welcomed. We chatted with her at least 50% of the time we were all together (so probably for 2 hours at least). I wasn’t like, oh go away and color I just sort of thought she wouldn’t want to just sit and talk to 4 adults for 4 hours straight. I was wrong about that, hence the initial post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many assuming that's she's not NT or is socially awkward?!!!!She may have tons of friends in the neighborhood where she goes to school or lives most of the time with her mom. It's not hard to understand that she might not have any friends in her dad's neighborhood if she's only there every other weekend.

It's also possible that her friends were out socializing on a Saturday night--at the movies, the mall, or at a party and wouldn't want to spend the nght talking to her on their phones. She may have known that.

The OP assumed the girl would go down to the basement and play with the other, younger kids. She didn't want to---not exactly a surprise. And yes, the expected to babysit vibes are strong here. Moreover, while OP doesn't want to talk in front of the 15 year old, she expects the girl to taLk to her friends where the younger kids can hear her conversation or to play some game or something for which the odds are high the younger kids are going to want to use her phone. Does the OP even know for sure whether mom and/or dad have put restrictions on the amount of time she can spend on her phone?

I don't see anywhere that the OP offered another option---like if you don't want to play the videogames the kids are playing, there's a TV in the family room or bedroom; I'll show you where it is and how to work the TV. BTW, we have a Netflix, Prime, whatever subscription if there's a show you'd like to watch. Or your dad said you like to draw...I put out some colored pencils and sketch books if you would like to draw..

No, the OP gave her a choice---stay with the little kids or the adults. I think MOST 15 year olds would make the same choice.

Op here- I do have the vibe that she has HFA coupled with high intelligence.

We really like her parents and the family and would love to continue to host them and build a relationship. Just asking for more guidance as this was a new situation and a bit of a surprise to me. Of course, the work of the conversation fell more on the women as my husband would not be engaging a 15 year old girl in intense conversation for 2-4 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Okay. So if this is normal, I just need to prepare to socialize with my friends and a 15 year old everytime we host them?

Im aware this sounds stupid, but do you all just sort of accept that you have to chat with boring and pedantic teens now (this one was a vegan and told us all about it) when you are trying to socialize with other adults?

I get it that you were annoyed I do but I dont think that it is abnormal for the kid. I think next time when you hang out with this couple you should do it kid free. Your kids are getting older too and before you know they will be around to annoy you when you are trying to hang with the adults. Best to just not even have them in the house when hosting

Perhaps you’re right but sitters for our kids are $25 an hour and our friends don’t want to leave their young child yet, plus the expense and scheduling issues that a couple date night brings would make me prefer to just continue to visit at our houses with adaptations to make everyone have a great evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many assuming that's she's not NT or is socially awkward?!!!!She may have tons of friends in the neighborhood where she goes to school or lives most of the time with her mom. It's not hard to understand that she might not have any friends in her dad's neighborhood if she's only there every other weekend.

It's also possible that her friends were out socializing on a Saturday night--at the movies, the mall, or at a party and wouldn't want to spend the nght talking to her on their phones. She may have known that.

The OP assumed the girl would go down to the basement and play with the other, younger kids. She didn't want to---not exactly a surprise. And yes, the expected to babysit vibes are strong here. Moreover, while OP doesn't want to talk in front of the 15 year old, she expects the girl to taLk to her friends where the younger kids can hear her conversation or to play some game or something for which the odds are high the younger kids are going to want to use her phone. Does the OP even know for sure whether mom and/or dad have put restrictions on the amount of time she can spend on her phone?

I don't see anywhere that the OP offered another option---like if you don't want to play the videogames the kids are playing, there's a TV in the family room or bedroom; I'll show you where it is and how to work the TV. BTW, we have a Netflix, Prime, whatever subscription if there's a show you'd like to watch. Or your dad said you like to draw...I put out some colored pencils and sketch books if you would like to draw..

No, the OP gave her a choice---stay with the little kids or the adults. I think MOST 15 year olds would make the same choice.

Op here- oh that’s a good idea! Thanks! I didn’t think to offer that she could watch her own shows on the tv in the guest room but I should have done so. It honestly didn’t cross my mind.

I did offer her an adult coloring book after she had been sitting with and talking to us for about 2 hours and she politely declined in a way that seemed like that was a silly thing for me to do.

Thanks for the recommendations!

Please do her a favor and don’t invite her again. You clearly don’t want her company and seem to hold her in contempt.

I understand that adult coloring books can be cool, but to suggest that a teen go color is just insulting.

Imagine you and your husband were invited to a sports party and the wives were chatting, but you wandered in to watch the game and the host asked if you didn’t want to go back and chat with the women would you like to color? bake? do something else womanly or at least go away and stop bothering him?

If you invite her, she is your guest and you should make her welcome. If she’s not welcome, then don’t invite her.

Of course I made her feel welcomed. We chatted with her at least 50% of the time we were all together (so probably for 2 hours at least). I wasn’t like, oh go away and color I just sort of thought she wouldn’t want to just sit and talk to 4 adults for 4 hours straight. I was wrong about that, hence the initial post.

I guess the question is whether you would tolerate her presence at dinner again in order to see the family? It will be hard to break the precedent and get rid of her. The idea of offering to watch TV if she doesn't want to sit with the boring adults is ok, but good Lord not coloring books.

[Anonymous]

Op YTA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are so many assuming that's she's not NT or is socially awkward?!!!!She may have tons of friends in the neighborhood where she goes to school or lives most of the time with her mom. It's not hard to understand that she might not have any friends in her dad's neighborhood if she's only there every other weekend.

It's also possible that her friends were out socializing on a Saturday night--at the movies, the mall, or at a party and wouldn't want to spend the nght talking to her on their phones. She may have known that.

The OP assumed the girl would go down to the basement and play with the other, younger kids. She didn't want to---not exactly a surprise. And yes, the expected to babysit vibes are strong here. Moreover, while OP doesn't want to talk in front of the 15 year old, she expects the girl to taLk to her friends where the younger kids can hear her conversation or to play some game or something for which the odds are high the younger kids are going to want to use her phone. Does the OP even know for sure whether mom and/or dad have put restrictions on the amount of time she can spend on her phone?

I don't see anywhere that the OP offered another option---like if you don't want to play the videogames the kids are playing, there's a TV in the family room or bedroom; I'll show you where it is and how to work the TV. BTW, we have a Netflix, Prime, whatever subscription if there's a show you'd like to watch. Or your dad said you like to draw...I put out some colored pencils and sketch books if you would like to draw..

No, the OP gave her a choice---stay with the little kids or the adults. I think MOST 15 year olds would make the same choice.

Op here- oh that’s a good idea! Thanks! I didn’t think to offer that she could watch her own shows on the tv in the guest room but I should have done so. It honestly didn’t cross my mind.

I did offer her an adult coloring book after she had been sitting with and talking to us for about 2 hours and she politely declined in a way that seemed like that was a silly thing for me to do.

Thanks for the recommendations!

Please do her a favor and don’t invite her again. You clearly don’t want her company and seem to hold her in contempt.

I understand that adult coloring books can be cool, but to suggest that a teen go color is just insulting.

Imagine you and your husband were invited to a sports party and the wives were chatting, but you wandered in to watch the game and the host asked if you didn’t want to go back and chat with the women would you like to color? bake? do something else womanly or at least go away and stop bothering him?

If you invite her, she is your guest and you should make her welcome. If she’s not welcome, then don’t invite her.

Of course I made her feel welcomed. We chatted with her at least 50% of the time we were all together (so probably for 2 hours at least). I wasn’t like, oh go away and color I just sort of thought she wouldn’t want to just sit and talk to 4 adults for 4 hours straight. I was wrong about that, hence the initial post.

DP Actually, you probably were right about that — you just needed to offer her reasonable options. As a guest in your home, it wouldn’t have been polite for her to, say, ask you if she could go to another room and watch TV, or go somewhere else and focus on her phone. From her perspective, I think she saw only 2 options — and picked the most palatable of the two.

If she comes again, maybe tell her, as a PP suggested, that if she wants to watch TV or chill, she’s welcome to use the sunroom or whatever. It’s on you — or an adult in your household — to let her know what you’re comfortable having her do while she’s a guest in your home.

[Anonymous]

It’s funny that so many think the 15 year old must be neurodivergent or at least socially awkward. I have two 15 year old daughters. The one who is neurotypical, easily navigates friendships, and has lots of friends is the one who would think it’s rude to be on her phone and would prefer chatting with the adults. The one who is on the spectrum and struggles socially with peers would gravitate to the younger kids, occasionally interrupt the adults, and mostly spend the evening on her phone. OP said this kid interacted appropriately. I suspect she has very good social skills.