I'm so tired of mom cliques

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am concerned some of you do not have any inkling of experiencing happiness for someone else.

I feel happy for people all the time. I am constantly enriched from learning of the joyful things in the lives of my friends, family, and children.

Seeing a group of people I know and thought I was friends with post pictures from a fun event I wasn't invited to still makes me feel sad.

I think it's disingenuous that you don't understand the difference.

The thing is that people here are blaming the people who posted photos of events on social media. The problem is not the photos. The problem is that the relationship is not what you thought it was. That's a valid source of hurt, IMO, but the argument that the real problem is the people posting photos of good times is silly.

PP here and I disagree. The problem is absolutely the photos, or the sharing of them. It focuses attention the hurt. Without the photos, this person might still feel hurt when they find out the relationship wasn't what they thought. But with the photos, they have to confront the evidence of that fact. It actually makes it more hurtful.

It is very hard to ignore a hurt like that when it pops into your social media feed. It's possible (I've done it) but it is hard and requires a lot of effort.

Meanwhile, you could prevent it from happening by just not posting the photo. Why does anyone who isn't in the photo need to see it? It's one thing if this is a wedding or something, but people on here are just talking about regular social gatherings -- happy hours, BBQs, a birthday dinner. Why would anyone not attending these events want or need to see them?

Then don’t have social media “friends.” Just follow businesses and groups that you need to or interest you. If personal posts get
Under your skin then you need to adjust what you view. No one is doing anything wrong, hateful, or hurtful by posting pictures from a party. Seriously, this is bananas

Your solution to the extremely common and even scientifically documented phenomenon of people feeling hurt and left out by social media posts is for people to get off social media altogether or to exclusively use it for following businesses?

When you could just have manners instead?

You are right this is bananas.

Because the reasoning is bananas. It's okay to post photos of really fancy dinners, or vacations or huge family gatherings or misspelled signs as LONG AS you are related to everyone in the photo?

What? Who said anything about being related?

I just think it's rude to post photos of private gatherings to a public forum, knowing that there will almost certainly be people who see it and feel left out. I don't care about your relationship status with literally any of the people in this scenario. I'm just talking about rude versus not rude. This seem rude.

so is it fine for me to post a photo of a backyard bbq with my family, siblings and their families, and grandparents? or is that rude?

Why would you need to post this photo? Are there people who might see it and feel left out, like a cousin in a nearby town or one of your siblings? If yes, then yes, it is rude. This isn't even hard.

Is this what you are worked up about? It doesn't say you can't post it, just that if there is someone who you know might be offended not to be included (like a sibling, when all the other siblings are there) then it is rude to post it.

This is not the same as saying you aren't allowed to post a photo of a BBQ. You are overreacting.

You don't get it. She NEEDS to post pictures of her boring extended family BBQ. Her coworkers and former college friends absolutely must know that she wasn't alone all weekend doing nothing. She's got a life, OK?

sorry what is someone supposed to post? no one is forcing you to look at anyone’s Facebook wall.

What should you post? Does this keep you up at night? You could post nothing. Most posts are boring and uninteresting. Your bbq isn’t special.

I post my BBQ for myself on my wall. If you prefer to see nothing, perhaps social media is not the place for you. Like, how weird: "I want to use social media but I don't want to see anything anyone posts!" Get a Flickr if that's what you want.

You really need to post those pics. It's desperately sad to need so much outside validation for your social life. One day you'll realize nobody cares that much if you went to a bbq.

i will post even if no one likes my posts, because i'm not doing it for anyone else. i use facebook to arrange my photos on a cloud-based service instead of paying for another service or storing them on a local device. you don't have to look at anything i post, so why does it make you mad?

Oh, so they’re all set to private then?

does it matter to you? i also use facebook for other things and i don't change the privacy between posts. and if someone wants one of the photos of themselves, they're welcome to download or tag themselves. it's not like i have nudity or anything. nobody is forced to look at my photos.

It doesn’t matter to me at all. But it preposterous for someone who posts tons of pictures constantly on a public platform to insist they’re doing it solely for themselves.

is facebook fun for you even though you dont post any photos?

DP, but Facebook isn't fun. I only use it because I sell things on Marketplace and need to keep updated on certain clubs and activities my kids are in. That's about it. I rarely scroll through my feed. Seems like most of my friends got over Facebook a decade ago and moved on. I also notice that the oversharers hardly get any likes or attention these days if I happen to see something new. It's mostly their moms and sisters commenting. It's sad that they keep bothering when clearly nobody cares or interacts with them.

Then why do you care how anyone else uses it if you don't look through it? And why do you find it sad? Maybe they are FINE with just interacting with family members? It sounds like you would be mad even if tons of people were interacting with them.

Basically it sounds like you have a sense of superiority over the way you use a social network. Do you realize how pathetic that is?

these people really do feel aggrieved and self-rigteous over how someone else uses facebook just because it's not the way they want to use it. what do they tell their kids when their kids hear or see something they don't especially prefer? if the kids see a couple kiss in public and think kissing is gross, do the parents say that yeah no one should kiss in public, or do they say to look away or mind your own business? im sure these moms dont parent like this in real life.

I'm not the OP so I didn't start this thread to complain about it. What do you care if someone has an opinion about how you're using FB? You're not shy about sharing your opinions about them and making baseless assumptions. Take your own advice. Meanwhile just keep doing what you're doing, and to hell with people who might get offended. You can do what you like but you don't get to tell others how to feel about it.

this whole argument was STARTED by people telling others what not to post on social media. i came in here to explain what i did and why and got attacked repeatedly by people who cant imagine any reason why people would post photos other than to make someone feel bad. i gave my reasons, and yet no matter what, people kept making asinine assumptions. it's super closed minded to beliee that your way is the best or that if you can only think of one reason, that there must only be one reason.

Ok. But now you know some people get offended if they feel excluded, which as many have pointed out is a valid response. So you can just carry on doing what you've always done and not care about that or maybe you might rethink what you post in the future. It's close minded to not take the new information you've learned here that people react in ways you weren't aware of, and think about it. It's close minded to reject this new information, decide feelings don't matter to you, and continue to do things you now know might offend.

If you look at a photo of someone else being happy, doing something they enjoy and get offended, the problem is you.

It's this disingenuous read of the argument that is driving me nuts. No one is saying they are offended by seeing photos of people being happy. Reading it this way is so intentionally obtuse that I struggle to take anything else you are saying seriously.

Sometimes people feel left out when they see photos of events they would have liked to be included in, but weren't. If you can't see how that's different from what you wrote, then (1) the problem is definitely you, and (2) I honestly can't help you. Sorry you are devoid of nuance and empathy.

And let’s be real, you actually used the word offended. What is in the photo? It is almost certainly people having a good time. Literally the argument you JUST made is that they see a photo, people in the photo are having a good time, they feel left out and then feel offended. Your words. It’s not like theyre going to be offended by a photo of people having a miserable time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to be part of a social group where people posted stuff like this a lot. I met them through my job, which had an extremely social culture and there was a lot of pressure to hang out outside work. People were mostly late 20s/early 30s.

Not just girls nights and bbq’s (though also those) but almost any outing. They’d go shopping with a couple friends and post photos of themselves in the dressing room (#shopshopshop #mirrorpics #howdoilook). They’d go to a movie and post a photo of themselves sitting in the movie theater before the movie started (#popcorntime #welovedanielcraig). I had been an occasional Facebook user before this but being part of this crew sucked me in— I was scrolling my feed multiple times a day. I started posting more. Probably less than some people because I hate how I look in photos so I’m just much less likely to want to take and post a random photo. But way more than before.

Here’s what I learned during my time with this group of friends:

1. This kind of social media use causes drama. Full stop. There were ALWAYS people who felt left out or hurt. I think it also drove insecurity. This was the most insecure group of people I’ve ever been around, and I include myself. It was worse than middles school or high school (pre social media).

2. It reinforces social hierarchies. The people who post the most are the people who can do the most things. Meaning: people with more money, more time, better access to things that will look cool in a photo (nice house, cool work travel, etc). Their posts drive attention, and thus popularity. This was the most high school thing about it. And yes, of course, being photogenic in a friend group that posts every single photo to socials is a big boon.

3. People 100% used it to hurt people or assert dominance. An anecdote: there was a work-related disagreement between two women. The night after it happened, one of them invited two key senior staffers to her house to hang out, then posted the photos of them all drinking wine and laughing to Facebook. The senior staffers were not even aware of the disagreement at the time, but it was obvious to those of us who did know that this was a calculated move to show she had certain people in her corner. There was a lot of behavior like this (see not about drama/insecurity above).

It wasn’t until I moved on from that job that I realized how toxic this all is. I know it’s an extreme example, but it really revealed to me how messed up this behavior is. It destroys relationships, puts people on edge.

I have since quit Facebook, and post to Instagram maybe 6 times a year, generally so relatives and far away friends can see pics of my kid growing up. My account is private and I removed most of the people from that part of my life from my followers, not out if malice, but because I don’t want that kind of behavior in my life anymore.

You can, of course, do what you want. But I think many of you who post everything to social media and don’t care who it hurts might feel differently in 10 years. I think with some distance, you might realize how toxic this behavior is.

Just wanted to thank you for this thought-provoking post, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to be part of a social group where people posted stuff like this a lot. I met them through my job, which had an extremely social culture and there was a lot of pressure to hang out outside work. People were mostly late 20s/early 30s.

Not just girls nights and bbq’s (though also those) but almost any outing. They’d go shopping with a couple friends and post photos of themselves in the dressing room (#shopshopshop #mirrorpics #howdoilook). They’d go to a movie and post a photo of themselves sitting in the movie theater before the movie started (#popcorntime #welovedanielcraig). I had been an occasional Facebook user before this but being part of this crew sucked me in— I was scrolling my feed multiple times a day. I started posting more. Probably less than some people because I hate how I look in photos so I’m just much less likely to want to take and post a random photo. But way more than before.

Here’s what I learned during my time with this group of friends:

1. This kind of social media use causes drama. Full stop. There were ALWAYS people who felt left out or hurt. I think it also drove insecurity. This was the most insecure group of people I’ve ever been around, and I include myself. It was worse than middles school or high school (pre social media).

2. It reinforces social hierarchies. The people who post the most are the people who can do the most things. Meaning: people with more money, more time, better access to things that will look cool in a photo (nice house, cool work travel, etc). Their posts drive attention, and thus popularity. This was the most high school thing about it. And yes, of course, being photogenic in a friend group that posts every single photo to socials is a big boon.

3. People 100% used it to hurt people or assert dominance. An anecdote: there was a work-related disagreement between two women. The night after it happened, one of them invited two key senior staffers to her house to hang out, then posted the photos of them all drinking wine and laughing to Facebook. The senior staffers were not even aware of the disagreement at the time, but it was obvious to those of us who did know that this was a calculated move to show she had certain people in her corner. There was a lot of behavior like this (see not about drama/insecurity above).

It wasn’t until I moved on from that job that I realized how toxic this all is. I know it’s an extreme example, but it really revealed to me how messed up this behavior is. It destroys relationships, puts people on edge.

I have since quit Facebook, and post to Instagram maybe 6 times a year, generally so relatives and far away friends can see pics of my kid growing up. My account is private and I removed most of the people from that part of my life from my followers, not out if malice, but because I don’t want that kind of behavior in my life anymore.

You can, of course, do what you want. But I think many of you who post everything to social media and don’t care who it hurts might feel differently in 10 years. I think with some distance, you might realize how toxic this behavior is.

Just wanted to thank you for this thought-provoking post, PP.

Most of the people commenting here haven’t posted anything like this. I haven’t seen anything like this. It seems really idiosyncratic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to be part of a social group where people posted stuff like this a lot. I met them through my job, which had an extremely social culture and there was a lot of pressure to hang out outside work. People were mostly late 20s/early 30s.

Not just girls nights and bbq’s (though also those) but almost any outing. They’d go shopping with a couple friends and post photos of themselves in the dressing room (#shopshopshop #mirrorpics #howdoilook). They’d go to a movie and post a photo of themselves sitting in the movie theater before the movie started (#popcorntime #welovedanielcraig). I had been an occasional Facebook user before this but being part of this crew sucked me in— I was scrolling my feed multiple times a day. I started posting more. Probably less than some people because I hate how I look in photos so I’m just much less likely to want to take and post a random photo. But way more than before.

Here’s what I learned during my time with this group of friends:

1. This kind of social media use causes drama. Full stop. There were ALWAYS people who felt left out or hurt. I think it also drove insecurity. This was the most insecure group of people I’ve ever been around, and I include myself. It was worse than middles school or high school (pre social media).

2. It reinforces social hierarchies. The people who post the most are the people who can do the most things. Meaning: people with more money, more time, better access to things that will look cool in a photo (nice house, cool work travel, etc). Their posts drive attention, and thus popularity. This was the most high school thing about it. And yes, of course, being photogenic in a friend group that posts every single photo to socials is a big boon.

3. People 100% used it to hurt people or assert dominance. An anecdote: there was a work-related disagreement between two women. The night after it happened, one of them invited two key senior staffers to her house to hang out, then posted the photos of them all drinking wine and laughing to Facebook. The senior staffers were not even aware of the disagreement at the time, but it was obvious to those of us who did know that this was a calculated move to show she had certain people in her corner. There was a lot of behavior like this (see not about drama/insecurity above).

It wasn’t until I moved on from that job that I realized how toxic this all is. I know it’s an extreme example, but it really revealed to me how messed up this behavior is. It destroys relationships, puts people on edge.

I have since quit Facebook, and post to Instagram maybe 6 times a year, generally so relatives and far away friends can see pics of my kid growing up. My account is private and I removed most of the people from that part of my life from my followers, not out if malice, but because I don’t want that kind of behavior in my life anymore.

You can, of course, do what you want. But I think many of you who post everything to social media and don’t care who it hurts might feel differently in 10 years. I think with some distance, you might realize how toxic this behavior is.

Just wanted to thank you for this thought-provoking post, PP.

Not really. This all sounds like young women pre-kids, still stuck in high school/sorority behavior.

Fast forward a decade when there is a spouse, a few kids to care for, a house to manage/clean, a job to work, aging parents... most adult women do not have the time or energy for this and certainly aren't sitting around analyzing and stewing over the social dynamic of their friendships, the perceived friendships of others, what people are posting are certainly on social media. I'm not and none of my friends do anything close to this, that I'm aware of. But apparently you all exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to be part of a social group where people posted stuff like this a lot. I met them through my job, which had an extremely social culture and there was a lot of pressure to hang out outside work. People were mostly late 20s/early 30s.

Not just girls nights and bbq’s (though also those) but almost any outing. They’d go shopping with a couple friends and post photos of themselves in the dressing room (#shopshopshop #mirrorpics #howdoilook). They’d go to a movie and post a photo of themselves sitting in the movie theater before the movie started (#popcorntime #welovedanielcraig). I had been an occasional Facebook user before this but being part of this crew sucked me in— I was scrolling my feed multiple times a day. I started posting more. Probably less than some people because I hate how I look in photos so I’m just much less likely to want to take and post a random photo. But way more than before.

Here’s what I learned during my time with this group of friends:

1. This kind of social media use causes drama. Full stop. There were ALWAYS people who felt left out or hurt. I think it also drove insecurity. This was the most insecure group of people I’ve ever been around, and I include myself. It was worse than middles school or high school (pre social media).

2. It reinforces social hierarchies. The people who post the most are the people who can do the most things. Meaning: people with more money, more time, better access to things that will look cool in a photo (nice house, cool work travel, etc). Their posts drive attention, and thus popularity. This was the most high school thing about it. And yes, of course, being photogenic in a friend group that posts every single photo to socials is a big boon.

3. People 100% used it to hurt people or assert dominance. An anecdote: there was a work-related disagreement between two women. The night after it happened, one of them invited two key senior staffers to her house to hang out, then posted the photos of them all drinking wine and laughing to Facebook. The senior staffers were not even aware of the disagreement at the time, but it was obvious to those of us who did know that this was a calculated move to show she had certain people in her corner. There was a lot of behavior like this (see not about drama/insecurity above).

It wasn’t until I moved on from that job that I realized how toxic this all is. I know it’s an extreme example, but it really revealed to me how messed up this behavior is. It destroys relationships, puts people on edge.

I have since quit Facebook, and post to Instagram maybe 6 times a year, generally so relatives and far away friends can see pics of my kid growing up. My account is private and I removed most of the people from that part of my life from my followers, not out if malice, but because I don’t want that kind of behavior in my life anymore.

You can, of course, do what you want. But I think many of you who post everything to social media and don’t care who it hurts might feel differently in 10 years. I think with some distance, you might realize how toxic this behavior is.

Just wanted to thank you for this thought-provoking post, PP.

Not really. This all sounds like young women pre-kids, still stuck in high school/sorority behavior.

Fast forward a decade when there is a spouse, a few kids to care for, a house to manage/clean, a job to work, aging parents... most adult women do not have the time or energy for this and certainly aren't sitting around analyzing and stewing over the social dynamic of their friendships, the perceived friendships of others, what people are posting are certainly on social media. I'm not and none of my friends do anything close to this, that I'm aware of. But apparently you all exist.

It’s thought-provoking because she participated in the behavior, reconsidered it, and now doesn’t. It’s a far more interesting read than your tired repetition of a position that’s been restated 20 times already.

[Anonymous]

Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

For whatever reason, she wanted to post photos. I don’t think it was a personal attack on you. I also don’t think she needed to refrain bc you might see them. People have different friends and different relationships and they ebb and flow. Your relationship was/is fading whether she posted pictures or not. I wouldn’t take it personal. I don’t think she did anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t have texted her at all. She didn’t reach out to you to say she was in town, so why text the “I saw you came into town” text? Few people stay close friends forever, especially after moving. You just have to let it go and work on your current friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

For whatever reason, she wanted to post photos. I don’t think it was a personal attack on you. I also don’t think she needed to refrain bc you might see them. People have different friends and different relationships and they ebb and flow. Your relationship was/is fading whether she posted pictures or not. I wouldn’t take it personal. I don’t think she did anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t have texted her at all. She didn’t reach out to you to say she was in town, so why text the “I saw you came into town” text? Few people stay close friends forever, especially after moving. You just have to let it go and work on your current friendships.

So she wanted to post the photos of her trip but it's weird to acknowledge you saw the photos of her trip?

So people should post any and everything they want regardless of how it might come across to others, but no one is ever allowed to say "hey, I saw that photo you posted"?

Real question: what is the point of social media? Is it to facilitate social connections with friends and family OR is it to advertise the best version of your life to people you don't like or care about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

For whatever reason, she wanted to post photos. I don’t think it was a personal attack on you. I also don’t think she needed to refrain bc you might see them. People have different friends and different relationships and they ebb and flow. Your relationship was/is fading whether she posted pictures or not. I wouldn’t take it personal. I don’t think she did anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t have texted her at all. She didn’t reach out to you to say she was in town, so why text the “I saw you came into town” text? Few people stay close friends forever, especially after moving. You just have to let it go and work on your current friendships.

I get that you are giving me advice because I am the one posting this and not her. I didn't ask for advice, but okay. I have let the friendship go, as I said -- after she blew me off again, I didn't reach out again and we have not spoken since. It's been years.

I don't think the photos were a personal attack, but it's also kind of crazy to me that it wouldn't even cross her mind that posting them might come off as rude to me. Even though she wasn't reaching out to hang out in person with me anymore, we were still connected on Facebook and she was even regularly liking photos I posted and commenting on them. So while I wouldn't expect to be perfectly top of mind, it's just nuts that she wouldn't think "oh hey, my friend I'm fading on is going to see this on Facebook and this restaurant is literally two blocks from her house -- maybe it would be weird to post these photos, or maybe I should at a minimum not gush about how happy I am to see 'all my favorite people' in this town."

It's honestly just weird to me that you could be close to someone for a long time and not at least think that posting those pictures was unnecessarily hurtful. No one *needs* to see a dozen photos of your weekend, and no one really needs to post them. If posting them is going to make someone you at least recently cared about feel awful, and not posting them is just going to mean slightly fewer likes, it feels like the kinder choice is to not post.

I just can't imagine doing this. I really think I'd pause, remember that it might hurt someone, and just choose not to post those specific photos. It really did seem callous of her, whether it was an intentional insult or just her being really obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

For whatever reason, she wanted to post photos. I don’t think it was a personal attack on you. I also don’t think she needed to refrain bc you might see them. People have different friends and different relationships and they ebb and flow. Your relationship was/is fading whether she posted pictures or not. I wouldn’t take it personal. I don’t think she did anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t have texted her at all. She didn’t reach out to you to say she was in town, so why text the “I saw you came into town” text? Few people stay close friends forever, especially after moving. You just have to let it go and work on your current friendships.

I get that you are giving me advice because I am the one posting this and not her. I didn't ask for advice, but okay. I have let the friendship go, as I said -- after she blew me off again, I didn't reach out again and we have not spoken since. It's been years.

I don't think the photos were a personal attack, but it's also kind of crazy to me that it wouldn't even cross her mind that posting them might come off as rude to me. Even though she wasn't reaching out to hang out in person with me anymore, we were still connected on Facebook and she was even regularly liking photos I posted and commenting on them. So while I wouldn't expect to be perfectly top of mind, it's just nuts that she wouldn't think "oh hey, my friend I'm fading on is going to see this on Facebook and this restaurant is literally two blocks from her house -- maybe it would be weird to post these photos, or maybe I should at a minimum not gush about how happy I am to see 'all my favorite people' in this town."

It's honestly just weird to me that you could be close to someone for a long time and not at least think that posting those pictures was unnecessarily hurtful. No one *needs* to see a dozen photos of your weekend, and no one really needs to post them. If posting them is going to make someone you at least recently cared about feel awful, and not posting them is just going to mean slightly fewer likes, it feels like the kinder choice is to not post.

I just can't imagine doing this. I really think I'd pause, remember that it might hurt someone, and just choose not to post those specific photos. It really did seem callous of her, whether it was an intentional insult or just her being really obtuse.

You literally posted, “I’m curious what people think of this,” before your diatribe.

She isn’t going to specifically think of *you* when posting photos to her social media account. She just isn’t. You are one person. It isnt possible to see everyone you know when you make a visit from out of town. She chose not to see you, but that doesn’t mean she needs to conceal that she was ever in town

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

For whatever reason, she wanted to post photos. I don’t think it was a personal attack on you. I also don’t think she needed to refrain bc you might see them. People have different friends and different relationships and they ebb and flow. Your relationship was/is fading whether she posted pictures or not. I wouldn’t take it personal. I don’t think she did anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t have texted her at all. She didn’t reach out to you to say she was in town, so why text the “I saw you came into town” text? Few people stay close friends forever, especially after moving. You just have to let it go and work on your current friendships.

I get that you are giving me advice because I am the one posting this and not her. I didn't ask for advice, but okay. I have let the friendship go, as I said -- after she blew me off again, I didn't reach out again and we have not spoken since. It's been years.

I don't think the photos were a personal attack, but it's also kind of crazy to me that it wouldn't even cross her mind that posting them might come off as rude to me. Even though she wasn't reaching out to hang out in person with me anymore, we were still connected on Facebook and she was even regularly liking photos I posted and commenting on them. So while I wouldn't expect to be perfectly top of mind, it's just nuts that she wouldn't think "oh hey, my friend I'm fading on is going to see this on Facebook and this restaurant is literally two blocks from her house -- maybe it would be weird to post these photos, or maybe I should at a minimum not gush about how happy I am to see 'all my favorite people' in this town."

It's honestly just weird to me that you could be close to someone for a long time and not at least think that posting those pictures was unnecessarily hurtful. No one *needs* to see a dozen photos of your weekend, and no one really needs to post them. If posting them is going to make someone you at least recently cared about feel awful, and not posting them is just going to mean slightly fewer likes, it feels like the kinder choice is to not post.

I just can't imagine doing this. I really think I'd pause, remember that it might hurt someone, and just choose not to post those specific photos. It really did seem callous of her, whether it was an intentional insult or just her being really obtuse.

You literally posted, “I’m curious what people think of this,” before your diatribe.

She isn’t going to specifically think of *you* when posting photos to her social media account. She just isn’t. You are one person. It isnt possible to see everyone you know when you make a visit from out of town. She chose not to see you, but that doesn’t mean she needs to conceal that she was ever in town

"Conceal" =/= refrain from posting photos of everything you did while in town.

I feel like some folks view posting every single thing they do to social media as some kind of inalienable right. Which, fine, it's not illegal nor is anyone suggesting it should be. But lots of really rude, obnoxious things are not illegal, and yet people refrain from doing them because they are rude and obnoxious.

I mean, it's my right to loudly announce that I'm inviting everyone in the office out to lunch except for the one woman in accounting I don't like. Sorry not sorry, Cheryl. It's my right to walk up to strangers on the street and tell them their clothes are ill-fitting and unflattering. It's my right to start a neighborhood block party tradition but refuse to invite the two families I think are kind of weird even though one of them lives right next door. You can't stop me! I might even enjoy doing these things, because Cheryl sucks, a lot of people wear awful clothes, and straight up, that family is weird, they give me the heebie-jeebies.

But I won't because I am not rude. You all can "buuuutu whyyyyyy do you eeeeeven caaaaaaare?????" until the cows come home, but I'm not going to change my mind that posting photos of stuff like this is unnecessarily rude and therefore people just should not do it. Sorry not sorry again, Cheryl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

For whatever reason, she wanted to post photos. I don’t think it was a personal attack on you. I also don’t think she needed to refrain bc you might see them. People have different friends and different relationships and they ebb and flow. Your relationship was/is fading whether she posted pictures or not. I wouldn’t take it personal. I don’t think she did anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t have texted her at all. She didn’t reach out to you to say she was in town, so why text the “I saw you came into town” text? Few people stay close friends forever, especially after moving. You just have to let it go and work on your current friendships.

I get that you are giving me advice because I am the one posting this and not her. I didn't ask for advice, but okay. I have let the friendship go, as I said -- after she blew me off again, I didn't reach out again and we have not spoken since. It's been years.

I don't think the photos were a personal attack, but it's also kind of crazy to me that it wouldn't even cross her mind that posting them might come off as rude to me. Even though she wasn't reaching out to hang out in person with me anymore, we were still connected on Facebook and she was even regularly liking photos I posted and commenting on them. So while I wouldn't expect to be perfectly top of mind, it's just nuts that she wouldn't think "oh hey, my friend I'm fading on is going to see this on Facebook and this restaurant is literally two blocks from her house -- maybe it would be weird to post these photos, or maybe I should at a minimum not gush about how happy I am to see 'all my favorite people' in this town."

It's honestly just weird to me that you could be close to someone for a long time and not at least think that posting those pictures was unnecessarily hurtful. No one *needs* to see a dozen photos of your weekend, and no one really needs to post them. If posting them is going to make someone you at least recently cared about feel awful, and not posting them is just going to mean slightly fewer likes, it feels like the kinder choice is to not post.

I just can't imagine doing this. I really think I'd pause, remember that it might hurt someone, and just choose not to post those specific photos. It really did seem callous of her, whether it was an intentional insult or just her being really obtuse.

You literally posted, “I’m curious what people think of this,” before your diatribe.

She isn’t going to specifically think of *you* when posting photos to her social media account. She just isn’t. You are one person. It isnt possible to see everyone you know when you make a visit from out of town. She chose not to see you, but that doesn’t mean she needs to conceal that she was ever in town

Diatribe (n.): a forceful and bitter verbal attack against someone or something

Diatribe does not just mean "long" or "impassioned".

I can write a diatribe, but the above is not it.

[Anonymous]

My son's preschool had this mom's clique. I think you needed to own golden goose sneakers in order to get in. They all were very nice, but seemed like they just want to relive their high school days (they ALL grew up here! imagine that). I found a group of down to earth moms who don't need to flaunt their wealth to feel confident. Some of the clique moms also go to our ES, but they're sort of the odd ones out because my ES is pretty down to earth and mellow, and you don't need golden goose in order to be cool. In fact, some of them have pulled their kids out for private because they feel sort of on the outs there. I'm sure we'll all see each other again when the kids are all in HS. I am nice to them and they're nice to me, but I find them harmless and as long as you have your own mom friends (or other friends) who cares? Why be bothered by them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son's preschool had this mom's clique. I think you needed to own golden goose sneakers in order to get in. They all were very nice, but seemed like they just want to relive their high school days (they ALL grew up here! imagine that). I found a group of down to earth moms who don't need to flaunt their wealth to feel confident. Some of the clique moms also go to our ES, but they're sort of the odd ones out because my ES is pretty down to earth and mellow, and you don't need golden goose in order to be cool. In fact, some of them have pulled their kids out for private because they feel sort of on the outs there. I'm sure we'll all see each other again when the kids are all in HS. I am nice to them and they're nice to me, but I find them harmless and as long as you have your own mom friends (or other friends) who cares? Why be bothered by them?

Well yeah, you are unbothered now because once your kid got to ES, the tables turned and now you have an in-group and those moms are on the outside. Now you are the clique, and they are leaving the school because they feel isolated. You don't "feel bothered" because you are no longer on the outside.

Also, plenty of people just don't find their own mom friends, or they do but they aren't at their kid's school or in the neighborhood. And for moms in that situation, it can be really hard to always feel like an outsider and to feel there is no way to be included because you failed to meet these women at the time when that tight-knit group formed, whether it was back when they all went to high school together, or a few years ago when you were all the "down to earth moms" at the preschool and banded together against the "golden goose moms".

It's almost like... forming cliques of moms at your kids school... is bad for building a sense of community among the school's families. Even if the women in the clique are super down to earth and don't wear overpriced sneakers that look intentionally dirty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, curious what people think of this one:

I had a close friend who moved away. This was not an acquaintance -- it's someone I saw 1:1 regularly for years, who had come to my wedding, who was among the first group of people I told when I got pregnant.

Her family was still local, so she would come back to town with some frequency -- every 3-4 months. The first few times she came back, she'd let me know and we'd plan a coffee date or just a hang at my house or something. She reached out to me. I had a newish baby at the time so I was being a homebody, but was always happy to go meet up with her when she was around (with or without the baby, though she'd usually ask if the baby could come because she likes babies).

I still don't really know why, but she stopped reaching out when she'd come to town. Maybe she outgrew me as a friend, maybe she decided she was bored with my new mom status, I don't know. All I know is she stopped letting me know when she was going to be in town, and stopped making an effort to see me.

How do I know this? Because every time she'd come to town, she'd post like 14 photos of her trip to Facebook -- pictures of her with people I knew, going places near my house, doing things I definitely used to do with her. She'd post comments like "So good to see my [city name] fam when I'm in town! Love you all!"

Seeing these photos felt like being punched in the gut. They caused literal pain for me. I did reach out to her after the first time it happened, just a quick text of "hey, sorry I missed you when you were town, hope everything is going well and would love to catch up over phone/text sometime!" Like really trying to avoid sounding upset or jealous even though I was. She gave me a noncommittal response ("oh yeah, crazy busy trip sorry we couldn't connect, will definitely call soon!!") but then didn't call. I took the hint and let it go.

But still, she kept posting those photos every time she was in town, and it hurt so much. I wasn't mad that she was having fun. I was deeply hurt that she seemed to have prioritized maintaining friendships with so many other people in town, but for some reason not me. And it wasn't because I had a kid -- she'd posted photos with other friends and their kids.

Obviously I eventually just muted her so I wouldn't have to see it. But those photos were brutal. And yes, it made it much, much worse than if she'd just done a fade out on me and I didn't even know she was still coming to town and what she was doing. Way worse. Knowing that she was regularly in town, in my neighborhood, and was just affirmatively choosing not to see me felt so intense. It honestly did feel hostile.

She could have done all the exact same things but not posted the photos, or even just blocked me from seeing them. Her choice to post them knowing I probably would see them felt intentionally hurtful.

I think this is the kind of thing people on this thread are talking about. I think in this situation, it's actually reasonable to say she should have not posted the photos, or posted them in a way that they wouldn't be visible to me. I don't really know what else I could have done on my end to prevent being impacted by them. It just felt like salt in a wound for no other reason than she just really wanted everyone (me included) to know what an amazing time she was having with other people.

For whatever reason, she wanted to post photos. I don’t think it was a personal attack on you. I also don’t think she needed to refrain bc you might see them. People have different friends and different relationships and they ebb and flow. Your relationship was/is fading whether she posted pictures or not. I wouldn’t take it personal. I don’t think she did anything wrong. Personally I wouldn’t have texted her at all. She didn’t reach out to you to say she was in town, so why text the “I saw you came into town” text? Few people stay close friends forever, especially after moving. You just have to let it go and work on your current friendships.

I get that you are giving me advice because I am the one posting this and not her. I didn't ask for advice, but okay. I have let the friendship go, as I said -- after she blew me off again, I didn't reach out again and we have not spoken since. It's been years.

I don't think the photos were a personal attack, but it's also kind of crazy to me that it wouldn't even cross her mind that posting them might come off as rude to me. Even though she wasn't reaching out to hang out in person with me anymore, we were still connected on Facebook and she was even regularly liking photos I posted and commenting on them. So while I wouldn't expect to be perfectly top of mind, it's just nuts that she wouldn't think "oh hey, my friend I'm fading on is going to see this on Facebook and this restaurant is literally two blocks from her house -- maybe it would be weird to post these photos, or maybe I should at a minimum not gush about how happy I am to see 'all my favorite people' in this town."

It's honestly just weird to me that you could be close to someone for a long time and not at least think that posting those pictures was unnecessarily hurtful. No one *needs* to see a dozen photos of your weekend, and no one really needs to post them. If posting them is going to make someone you at least recently cared about feel awful, and not posting them is just going to mean slightly fewer likes, it feels like the kinder choice is to not post.

I just can't imagine doing this. I really think I'd pause, remember that it might hurt someone, and just choose not to post those specific photos. It really did seem callous of her, whether it was an intentional insult or just her being really obtuse.

DP, who thinks your hurt response was entirely normal and human, and also that you handled the situation as best you could, from your initial follow up text to letting the friendship go. What else can you do? I’m sorry you had to go through that.

I think this thread is evidence that there are people who either don’t realize how hurtful this behavior can be or who do realize it and don’t care. Frankly, most people who post so much of their social lives online are incredibly self-absorbed, IME, which is a friendship deal-breaker. I was on FB for years; the women with whom I’m closest are, too, but to a one, post these kinds of pictures rarely, if ever. I got off FB for various reasons, and don’t miss it.

Social media can be used to connect people in ways that aren’t painful. Unfortunately, this kind of social competition is a big part of the reason it’s so popular and so hard to quit, I think.