Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I now own a beach house and have done many a grip vacay. If she eats, she has to cook too. If she drinks from the cooler, she has to pack it. No you do not do her laundry.

I am a terrible cook so on my nights I would treat to dinner out. Least one can do.

This she can order pizza and you don't complain about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read this whole thread and am shook by the responses projecting and blaming OP. At the end of the day, this is OP's parents place that she has access too and has no obligation to keep inviting the friend. No way would I put up with this bs. If you can't be considerate, don't vacation with others. Basic AF.

What you see as blaming the OP is actually pointing out that some of OP's expectations are BS.. For example, it's completely reasonable for her to expect cousin and her husband to clean up after themselves, do their own laundry, and contribute to shared meals in some way.


It's unreasonable for OP to expect her cousin to look after her kids in situations she does not expect the same from her own husband and father of the children.

As for the house the parents have allowed her to use the house up until now, no one can say if they will continue to do so if it will cause family drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. My husband is totally at his wits end as well. The husbands are in the mix too. There seems to be a view that there is like chaos here and I’m too high strung or relax and our DHs aren’t involved. Everyone is doing their part. My deep frustration is that everyone has to vaguely move the ball forward. You can’t do literally nothing.

The one thing my DH thinks is that this cousin is generally sort of…limited. Like he as pointed to a few examples of her meltdowns or inability to function in normal ways. So then yes as some have mentioned, I definitely have thought, is this years and years of depression? And if it is, do I hold space for the week of my vacation doing extra dishes and taking into consideration her dietary needs when I cook? Bc she is sick? And that’s how you hold loving space for someone? Or is it like, actually I can’t speculate on your health, you’re making me miserable, stay with your brother if you’re here or stay home 30min away and drive in to the beach. The minute I draw my boundary I think she’s going to blow up. I’m 5% scared of her.

So what was your husband doing that he couldn't help you put sunscreen on the kids, get them to the bathroom or give them a snack?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. My husband is totally at his wits end as well. The husbands are in the mix too. There seems to be a view that there is like chaos here and I’m too high strung or relax and our DHs aren’t involved. Everyone is doing their part. My deep frustration is that everyone has to vaguely move the ball forward. You can’t do literally nothing.

The one thing my DH thinks is that this cousin is generally sort of…limited. Like he as pointed to a few examples of her meltdowns or inability to function in normal ways. So then yes as some have mentioned, I definitely have thought, is this years and years of depression? And if it is, do I hold space for the week of my vacation doing extra dishes and taking into consideration her dietary needs when I cook? Bc she is sick? And that’s how you hold loving space for someone? Or is it like, actually I can’t speculate on your health, you’re making me miserable, stay with your brother if you’re here or stay home 30min away and drive in to the beach. The minute I draw my boundary I think she’s going to blow up. I’m 5% scared of her.

So what was your husband doing that he couldn't help you put sunscreen on the kids, get them to the bathroom or give them a snack?

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

OP, what does your cousin say when you say no you aren’t making her a sandwich? I am curious to the outcome of this exchange.

[Anonymous]

Why are you changing dirty diapers? If you don't do it, eventually she will.

Why are you making her a sandwich? Say, it looks like you have time, and you didn't cook your meal, so time to make a sandwich for you and dh, all the stuff is out right now.

Place her clothes in a pile next to the washer. When she asks where they are, tell her they are in the pile next to the washer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you changing dirty diapers? If you don't do it, eventually she will.

Why are you making her a sandwich? Say, it looks like you have time, and you didn't cook your meal, so time to make a sandwich for you and dh, all the stuff is out right now.

Place her clothes in a pile next to the washer. When she asks where they are, tell her they are in the pile next to the washer.

Exactly. Martyrs who don't use their words are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you changing dirty diapers? If you don't do it, eventually she will.

Why are you making her a sandwich? Say, it looks like you have time, and you didn't cook your meal, so time to make a sandwich for you and dh, all the stuff is out right now.

Place her clothes in a pile next to the washer. When she asks where they are, tell her they are in the pile next to the washer.

Exactly. Martyrs who don't use their words are the worst.

Yes. BUT it is quite the assumption for an adult to think their laundry will be done and food will be made for them, don’t you think? I can’t imagine asking anyone if they are making me a sandwich when they are making their kids lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you changing dirty diapers? If you don't do it, eventually she will.

Why are you making her a sandwich? Say, it looks like you have time, and you didn't cook your meal, so time to make a sandwich for you and dh, all the stuff is out right now.

Place her clothes in a pile next to the washer. When she asks where they are, tell her they are in the pile next to the washer.

Exactly. Martyrs who don't use their words are the worst.

Yes. BUT it is quite the assumption for an adult to think their laundry will be done and food will be made for them, don’t you think? I can’t imagine asking anyone if they are making me a sandwich when they are making their kids lunch.

The problem is OP contributed to that assumption by doing it!

[Anonymous]

If you eat the food. You have an obligation to also prepare food. Do dishes. Unload diy. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you changing dirty diapers? If you don't do it, eventually she will.

Why are you making her a sandwich? Say, it looks like you have time, and you didn't cook your meal, so time to make a sandwich for you and dh, all the stuff is out right now.

Place her clothes in a pile next to the washer. When she asks where they are, tell her they are in the pile next to the washer.

Exactly. Martyrs who don't use their words are the worst.

Yes. BUT it is quite the assumption for an adult to think their laundry will be done and food will be made for them, don’t you think? I can’t imagine asking anyone if they are making me a sandwich when they are making their kids lunch.

The problem is OP contributed to that assumption by doing it!

This. If you want an all expense paid, all services rendered vacation from your "richer" relatives, and they are willing to give you one, why not go for it?

It is quite the assumption, but we don't know what kind of life and resentments the cousin has; I can't imagine that either, but I have a SIL who will go to our cousin's house, never bother to lift a finger or offer, and think people should be just so happy at having her present they will wait on her.

The hosting relatives have to call them on it, or stop doing things for the cousin, since the cousin has decided she is not part of the collective labor. Should she assume that? no. Has she assumed that? yes. So stop doing it.

She will either start diapering her own baby and wash her own clothes, or she will go back home and sulk because she doesn't have servants for her vacation any more. Solves the problem either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you eat the food. You have an obligation to also prepare food. Do dishes. Unload diy. Etc.

I don't think anyone is disputing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you changing dirty diapers? If you don't do it, eventually she will.

Why are you making her a sandwich? Say, it looks like you have time, and you didn't cook your meal, so time to make a sandwich for you and dh, all the stuff is out right now.

Place her clothes in a pile next to the washer. When she asks where they are, tell her they are in the pile next to the washer.

Exactly. Martyrs who don't use their words are the worst.

Yes. BUT it is quite the assumption for an adult to think their laundry will be done and food will be made for them, don’t you think? I can’t imagine asking anyone if they are making me a sandwich when they are making their kids lunch.

The problem is OP contributed to that assumption by doing it!

Bingo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you changing dirty diapers? If you don't do it, eventually she will.

Why are you making her a sandwich? Say, it looks like you have time, and you didn't cook your meal, so time to make a sandwich for you and dh, all the stuff is out right now.

Place her clothes in a pile next to the washer. When she asks where they are, tell her they are in the pile next to the washer.

Exactly. Martyrs who don't use their words are the worst.

So very true!

[Anonymous]

I come from a dis functional family. In my family it would play out that I was mean petty and not living up to responsibilities for my own kids. I wonder if it’s the same for OP. Cousin has gotten away with this for years … someone is entitling this behavior. It would be a big headache for me to try to sort this out which is probably why OP isn’t having an “adult” conversation with cousin : because it isn’t possible.