Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of you have never cared for a person with dementia and you way, way, way underestimate the level of care that is needed and the roller coaster manner in which the disease progresses.

The doctor who said “no more than four hours alone” was just trying to set a backstop so they find her bleeding and not already dead. Or the stove is on but the house hasn’t burned yet. Or she’s in soiled clothes but not long enough to cause an infection.

+1M. It’s not OPs wife’s job to do this. It’s just dropping a bomb on her family life for a lot of denial by the family. She’s not evil she just understands better what is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

Even op acknowledged that his family didn't help when they needed it and did not suggest at all all the drama you've projected on to this situation.

Op's wife is being reasonable. She's right that whatever they offer now won't be it, the responsibilities will increasingly fall on op and his family, and his wife and kids will lose out. They've even stepped in and helped sil when she was in need, but she's too busy and cheap to do the same for others. This is something she and op need to figure out. Op's wife is setting reasonable boundaries.

Nope she's giving her husband ultimatums and telling him to choose between her or helping his parents. Her version of reason involves Op abdicating all responsibility towards his parents and placing this all on his sister to figure out. It also involves Op abandoning his Dad during the most difficult, heart wrenching, nightmarish time of his life.

Op's wife is an awful, awful woman. Sorry but she is...truly awful.

No, they need to find a solution that doesn't unnecessarily burden op, his wife, and his children. He's going to waste three hours with his kids and thousands of dollars for a solution that's not going to work. The burden on them will increase, not decrease. The plan they've come up with is stupid, frankly, and his wife knows it. They aren't looking at the problem properly. They're just finding the best way to avoid confrontation.

Dad his seeing his entire world crashing down around him. Of course he is trying to preserve what he can of the future that he had always envisioned for himself. He has a new reality unfortunately and he is going to need his adult children to be there for him. No one who has dealt with this disease thinks that this particular plan is going to be feasible in the long term. This is more of a show of support for Dad as he tries to figure out what the next step needs to be.

Op and his sister can help Dad tour Alzheimer's care facilities, they can help him look into home care or whatever else he wants to consider. Maybe he'll have to consider early retirement. But just imagine trying to do all of this alone, with no help at all. Who stays with Mom while he tours a facility? Answer: One of Mom's kids stays with Mom while the other tours facilities with Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of you have never cared for a person with dementia and you way, way, way underestimate the level of care that is needed and the roller coaster manner in which the disease progresses.

The doctor who said “no more than four hours alone” was just trying to set a backstop so they find her bleeding and not already dead. Or the stove is on but the house hasn’t burned yet. Or she’s in soiled clothes but not long enough to cause an infection.

Exactly. It is overwhelming in a way that most people can not comprehend.

I think some people are picturing a sweet old lady just sitting in rocker, sipping a cup a tea, and looking at old photographs. OF COURSE it's fine to just give the kid next door some petty cash to come in and chat for 15 minutes each afternoon!

But OP clearly stated that his mother has multiple chronic illnesses, becomes "agitated" every day at 4, and talks about the "gravity" of his mother's health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of you have never cared for a person with dementia and you way, way, way underestimate the level of care that is needed and the roller coaster manner in which the disease progresses.

The doctor who said “no more than four hours alone” was just trying to set a backstop so they find her bleeding and not already dead. Or the stove is on but the house hasn’t burned yet. Or she’s in soiled clothes but not long enough to cause an infection.

+1M. It’s not OPs wife’s job to do this. It’s just dropping a bomb on her family life for a lot of denial by the family. She’s not evil she just understands better what is happening.

She's a cold bit** who thinks she can cut her losses by telling her FIL that he's on his own with this one.

[Anonymous]

The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of you have never cared for a person with dementia and you way, way, way underestimate the level of care that is needed and the roller coaster manner in which the disease progresses.

The doctor who said “no more than four hours alone” was just trying to set a backstop so they find her bleeding and not already dead. Or the stove is on but the house hasn’t burned yet. Or she’s in soiled clothes but not long enough to cause an infection.

+1M. It’s not OPs wife’s job to do this. It’s just dropping a bomb on her family life for a lot of denial by the family. She’s not evil she just understands better what is happening.

She's a cold bit** who thinks she can cut her losses by telling her FIL that he's on his own with this one.

Wow! Project much ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of you have never cared for a person with dementia and you way, way, way underestimate the level of care that is needed and the roller coaster manner in which the disease progresses.

The doctor who said “no more than four hours alone” was just trying to set a backstop so they find her bleeding and not already dead. Or the stove is on but the house hasn’t burned yet. Or she’s in soiled clothes but not long enough to cause an infection.

Exactly. It is overwhelming in a way that most people can not comprehend.

I think some people are picturing a sweet old lady just sitting in rocker, sipping a cup a tea, and looking at old photographs. OF COURSE it's fine to just give the kid next door some petty cash to come in and chat for 15 minutes each afternoon!

But OP clearly stated that his mother has multiple chronic illnesses, becomes "agitated" every day at 4, and talks about the "gravity" of his mother's health.

Exactly! Just the sort of thing to saddle an unsuspecting college kid with on their summer break. How lovely that would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of you have never cared for a person with dementia and you way, way, way underestimate the level of care that is needed and the roller coaster manner in which the disease progresses.

The doctor who said “no more than four hours alone” was just trying to set a backstop so they find her bleeding and not already dead. Or the stove is on but the house hasn’t burned yet. Or she’s in soiled clothes but not long enough to cause an infection.

+1M. It’s not OPs wife’s job to do this. It’s just dropping a bomb on her family life for a lot of denial by the family. She’s not evil she just understands better what is happening.

She's a cold bit** who thinks she can cut her losses by telling her FIL that he's on his own with this one.

Wow! Project much ?

Lol. That is EXACTLY what she is doing. Puh-lease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

[Anonymous]

OP, seriously. You're okay with your sister not doing much. You're okay with her husband being awful. You're okay with your father continuing to work. The only person you're not letting off the hook is your wife. And you wonder why she's holding firm on her boundaries? Come on. You are treating her like crap here. If you can tell your wife "tough sh*t" then you can say the same thing to your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

You are completely misunderstanding. We are telling **OP** to step in and help his parents. We are telling the wife, who clearly hates her in-laws, to stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

where did OP mention this? OP's wife has a chip on her shoulder because there was no help from Mom, this sentiment didn't come out of thin air.

Op's wife resents her MIL for not helping her more with childcare needs, she resents her MIL for helping her SIL with childcare needs, she resents her SIL for not being more accepting of the help that Op's wife was trying to give her (whatever that means).

Basically Op's wife really dislikes her SIL and resents her MIL. Now she is using her embittered feelings to try to prevent her husband from helping his own parents during a crisis. The common denominator here is Op's wife.

well, OP's wife has a good reason to feel bitter towards MIL and SIL.
If they didn't help OP's wife out during her crisis, I'm not sure why they think they are entitled to get help during their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

[Anonymous]

The only thing they can do is help dad look into medicaid. Most likely he can keep most of his assets but she needs to go into a memory care facility.

It will only progress and they'll be in a panic if they wait too long. It's not for OP to put that burden on his wife or sister, sounds like she needs more than a check in. OP you should look into this:

https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/find_medicaid_planning_help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

where did OP mention this? OP's wife has a chip on her shoulder because there was no help from Mom, this sentiment didn't come out of thin air.

Op's wife resents her MIL for not helping her more with childcare needs, she resents her MIL for helping her SIL with childcare needs, she resents her SIL for not being more accepting of the help that Op's wife was trying to give her (whatever that means).

Basically Op's wife really dislikes her SIL and resents her MIL. Now she is using her embittered feelings to try to prevent her husband from helping his own parents during a crisis. The common denominator here is Op's wife.

well, OP's wife has a good reason to feel bitter towards MIL and SIL.
If they didn't help OP's wife out during her crisis, I'm not sure why they think they are entitled to get help during their own.

Op can help his dad. Op should help his dad. End of story. I can not imagine inserting so much drama ALLL about MEEEE during a time like this.