what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?

[Anonymous]

Pp, it is not a matter of having BOTH a relationship with the APs child and your children in marriage. According to the counsellors, it is a matter of one or the other.
Life decisions are hard. That is that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, is it still okay ("") to abandon a child born to the OW if she didn't know her partner was married? Many posters have suggested that the wife and the children of the marriage deserve that the marriage be preserved, and that the "outside child" is less deserving because their mother made their bed by knowingly sleeping with a married man. But in the case that the woman did not know, why should she and her child legitimately suffer? She, too, was deceived.

Because stupid. How do you not know?

No one suggested that the wife and the children of the marriage "deserve" that the marriage be preserved. That's not really the call anyone can make except the wife. What has been said, multiple times, is that IF spouses decide to try and rebuild the marriage, then they have the greatest chances of success where there is NO CONTACT with the affair partner. That the marriage has very low chances of surviving if the cheating spouse stays in contact with the lover.

Thank you. These idealistic people seem to think that they can have it all. No one can have it all.
BTW, people forget about the level of animosity step parents can have. Just as a guage, infanticide is common by the hands of the step parent. I am NOT implying that this is a reason to cut off contact, I am simply stating that "moving forward" with this constant reminder is a crazy fantasy in most cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Nice strawman argument and you are changing the topic.

Children of lesbian couples have two parents.

Children adopted by single mothers are not ideal, but better a single mother than a child with no home. Those kids are often older or minority children or hard to place children. I don't support single mothers adopting babies when couples are available to take the baby.

When a man has a baby, he should support the baby financially and emotionally. He should be a father. It is his responsibility. He should not abandon one child in favor of other children. It is immoral to make him choose between his children. If you are the wife who seeks to do this, the husband should divorce you immediately because you are a monster.

Yet he does, doesn't he. Even if a man chooses to stay in touch with the outside child while married, he IS choosing his other children. They will have a full-time father, a much more solid emotional foundation, more money, more attention, more everything. The outside child won't get equal treatment. You get that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, is it still okay ("") to abandon a child born to the OW if she didn't know her partner was married? Many posters have suggested that the wife and the children of the marriage deserve that the marriage be preserved, and that the "outside child" is less deserving because their mother made their bed by knowingly sleeping with a married man. But in the case that the woman did not know, why should she and her child legitimately suffer? She, too, was deceived.

Because stupid. How do you not know?

No one suggested that the wife and the children of the marriage "deserve" that the marriage be preserved. That's not really the call anyone can make except the wife. What has been said, multiple times, is that IF spouses decide to try and rebuild the marriage, then they have the greatest chances of success where there is NO CONTACT with the affair partner. That the marriage has very low chances of surviving if the cheating spouse stays in contact with the lover.

Thank you. These idealistic people seem to think that they can have it all. No one can have it all.
BTW, people forget about the level of animosity step parents can have. Just as a guage, infanticide is common by the hands of the step parent. I am NOT implying that this is a reason to cut off contact, I am simply stating that "moving forward" with this constant reminder is a crazy fantasy in most cases.

No, no one is saying you can have it all. The husband has created irreparable damage via his actions. What we are saying is that forgoing your responsibilities towards a child that you are a biological parent of is a horrific and horrible thing. Choosing to attempt to preserve a marriage via a fantasy land dream where you pretend the affair never happened a child doesn't exist shouldn't be an option, because its a horrible option. Or at least, it should be seen as the horrible action it is, not as the god given right of the wronged wife and legitimate children. The moment the betrayed wife goes along with a man abandoning a child, she loses whatever innocence she had going in and becomes, IMO, just as bad as the dude.

I'm not saying the AP is some great person, but at the end of the day the baby is truly and completely an innocent. And the responsibility of their parents. Full. Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp, it is not a matter of having BOTH a relationship with the APs child and your children in marriage. According to the counsellors, it is a matter of one or the other.
Life decisions are hard. That is that.

If the conditions of remaining in the existing marriage are to disavow the other child than the father has the 'choice' to divorce his wife and have shared custody of all his children.

That would suck for the existing wife if she wanted to reconcile but the father would have made the right decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, it is not a matter of having BOTH a relationship with the APs child and your children in marriage. According to the counsellors, it is a matter of one or the other.
Life decisions are hard. That is that.

If the conditions of remaining in the existing marriage are to disavow the other child than the father has the 'choice' to divorce his wife and have shared custody of all his children.

That would suck for the existing wife if she wanted to reconcile but the father would have made the right decision.

Great, destroy the lives of multiple people rather than one. Awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, it is not a matter of having BOTH a relationship with the APs child and your children in marriage. According to the counsellors, it is a matter of one or the other.
Life decisions are hard. That is that.

If the conditions of remaining in the existing marriage are to disavow the other child than the father has the 'choice' to divorce his wife and have shared custody of all his children.

That would suck for the existing wife if she wanted to reconcile but the father would have made the right decision.

Great, destroy the lives of multiple people rather than one. Awesome.

As PP said, life decisions are hard and actions have consequences. The harm to the children of the marriage was done when the father slept around. He has a responsibility to all the children he has fathered, not just the convenient ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, it is not a matter of having BOTH a relationship with the APs child and your children in marriage. According to the counsellors, it is a matter of one or the other.
Life decisions are hard. That is that.

If the conditions of remaining in the existing marriage are to disavow the other child than the father has the 'choice' to divorce his wife and have shared custody of all his children.

That would suck for the existing wife if she wanted to reconcile but the father would have made the right decision.

Great, destroy the lives of multiple people rather than one. Awesome.

As PP said, life decisions are hard and actions have consequences. The harm to the children of the marriage was done when the father slept around. He has a responsibility to all the children he has fathered, not just the convenient ones.

That is not the consequence, that is the choice. How do you think divorced men handle their relationship with the children from the first marriage? The child who lives with two parents will always have more of everything, even if the father is in the picture. And no one insists that men on their second marriage spend just as much time with their children from the first marriage.

[Anonymous]

You all are forgetting something: children are damaged by change for the worst.
If you are born into a situation with no father around, then nothing changes.
If you are living in a home that you perceive as stable, then suddenly, your parents divorce, that has impact.
The kids in the marriage would pay a high price because of the changes that would come of a continued relationship with the father and the outside child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, it is not a matter of having BOTH a relationship with the APs child and your children in marriage. According to the counsellors, it is a matter of one or the other.
Life decisions are hard. That is that.

If the conditions of remaining in the existing marriage are to disavow the other child than the father has the 'choice' to divorce his wife and have shared custody of all his children.

That would suck for the existing wife if she wanted to reconcile but the father would have made the right decision.

Great, destroy the lives of multiple people rather than one. Awesome.

As PP said, life decisions are hard and actions have consequences. The harm to the children of the marriage was done when the father slept around. He has a responsibility to all the children he has fathered, not just the convenient ones.

That is not the consequence, that is the choice. How do you think divorced men handle their relationship with the children from the first marriage? The child who lives with two parents will always have more of everything, even if the father is in the picture. And no one insists that men on their second marriage spend just as much time with their children from the first marriage.

The consequence of the affair is the child. You are correct it is a choice whether or not to take responsibility for that consequence. I think anyone who chooses not to is despicable. I think a woman who encourages that choice is also despicable.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, getting back to the OP, the only way I could survive my spouse being unfaithful is to keep myself open to affairs myself. Not as payback, but as self satisfaction. I would keep it to myself, but if sometime down the line I met someone that I was attracted to, who I liked, it would be an option. Keeping that in mind would help me heal. That's just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, is it still okay ("") to abandon a child born to the OW if she didn't know her partner was married? Many posters have suggested that the wife and the children of the marriage deserve that the marriage be preserved, and that the "outside child" is less deserving because their mother made their bed by knowingly sleeping with a married man. But in the case that the woman did not know, why should she and her child legitimately suffer? She, too, was deceived.

Because stupid. How do you not know?

No one suggested that the wife and the children of the marriage "deserve" that the marriage be preserved. That's not really the call anyone can make except the wife. What has been said, multiple times, is that IF spouses decide to try and rebuild the marriage, then they have the greatest chances of success where there is NO CONTACT with the affair partner. That the marriage has very low chances of surviving if the cheating spouse stays in contact with the lover.

Thank you. These idealistic people seem to think that they can have it all. No one can have it all.
BTW, people forget about the level of animosity step parents can have. Just as a guage, infanticide is common by the hands of the step parent. I am NOT implying that this is a reason to cut off contact, I am simply stating that "moving forward" with this constant reminder is a crazy fantasy in most cases.

No, no one is saying you can have it all. The husband has created irreparable damage via his actions. What we are saying is that forgoing your responsibilities towards a child that you are a biological parent of is a horrific and horrible thing. Choosing to attempt to preserve a marriage via a fantasy land dream where you pretend the affair never happened a child doesn't exist shouldn't be an option, because its a horrible option. Or at least, it should be seen as the horrible action it is, not as the god given right of the wronged wife and legitimate children. The moment the betrayed wife goes along with a man abandoning a child, she loses whatever innocence she had going in and becomes, IMO, just as bad as the dude.

I'm not saying the AP is some great person, but at the end of the day the baby is truly and completely an innocent. And the responsibility of their parents. Full. Stop.

My soon to be ex husband has nothing to do with the child he created from an affair. He choose his children of the marriage over the other child. The OW is married and the husband is raising the child as his own so the child does have a father. If she was a single mom, I would still divorce him but insist he step up as a father and support the child. My kids are also innocent and have been horribly wounded by this nightmare. My kids will always come first. She knowingly slept with a married man. We are all collateral damage. A woman is never forced to be a mother. She has options. She can put the child up for adoption or abort. Sadly, this was not a wanted child. It is a loved child, I hope but was not wanted by my husband for sure. He had no options. Not that I feel sorry for him. He is a lying cheating bastard but he wanted the child aborted.

[Anonymous]

PP, the children of marriage are also innocent and not adults. Why would the wife care about someone else's innocence ahead of her own kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, the children of marriage are also innocent and not adults. Why would the wife care about someone else's innocence ahead of her own kids?

yup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, the children of marriage are also innocent and not adults. Why would the wife care about someone else's innocence ahead of her own kids?

yup

+10000