Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no bloody "South Asian" way of gift giving in weddings. So don't stereotype. I am Indian, who moved here as an adult and ALL weddings in my family had a "no presents pls" on the wedding card. I think implying in any way how they would like to receive gifts is crass

Does "no presents" mean cash only?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What the hell would you people do with yourselves if no one gave you anything to stand in judgement over them for? Miserable witches. If you feel the need to turn your precious nose up at the wording in the invitation, and make it about you and your sensibilities, just don't fuckibg attend. Some of us care more about people than etiquette, and are happy to give the couple whatever they need or want, within reason. You want money for your honeymoon? Sure. For a house down payment? Sure. You don't want boxed gifts? Great. No skin off my back. Let's not sit here and pretend that I wasn't going to get you a gift, and since I'm getting one, I'm happy it will be something you can use. Find some real problems!!!

+1

I agree with this. Also, don't pretend you know what the young couple needs. When DH and I married many moons ago, we actually had relatives try to tell us what we needed. Mind you, we had each been on our own, individually for many years; so we already had two of everything - or at least my "good stuff". We made a registry if they wanted to use it, but of course, they could not do that. [I actually chose stuff for the registry at a store that I frequent, but knew that in no way it would fly with DH's family, so I adapted, and went to their stores for registry purposes. (Yes, this took an inordinate amount of time, but I was young, and actually believed at the time I could make everyone happy. HA- good one!)] Which still didn't fly, apparently.

Really, the bride and groom can't win with some kinds of people. They have an awful lot going on in one day, after so much careful and deliberate planning. Remember whose day it is, and either go with a smile on your face, or stay home. I'm sure the bride and groom really don't care either way, since most of the guests invited are probably friends of the parents, anyway.

OP, it seems like this invitation is for a wedding whose cultural norm is to give money. Who cares? No one (you or them) wants to lug a gift around, anyway. Throw the envelope in the box, and be done with it.

There's nothing wrong with giving money as a wedding gift. Or if guests ask what you want and to reply that you'd prefer money -- I see nothing wrong with that. But specifically stating on your wedding invite that you will not accept specific gifts is tacky. What if you got a wedding invite that said "We don't want any picture frames" or "No towels" or "No gift certificates wanted" or "do not give us anything unless it's money." It's telling people what they cannot give that is tacky because that is not what presents are about.

I had guests at my wedding who never gave me a physical gift. They traveled from a long way to get to my wedding and to me that was gift enough. I had other people give me things that probably didn't cost more than $10 or $15. Who cares? I was just glad they came. When you dictate what people cannot give you, it is no longer a gift.

Bottom line - only invite people to your wedding that you want to share the day with you and that don't care what present (if any) that they give.

PP here. I agree completely. That would have been a GREAT solution to MIL- zilla!

[Anonymous]

Very fascinating topic (well, mostly the reactions to it) and I think it is a great example of a situation that is completely normal and acceptable in some cultures and not at all in some others. Everything is relative

I lived many years in a place with predominantly Asian population where going to a wedding was very simple - nobody had to write anything on the invitations it was a "shared unwritten expectation": as I guest you didn't have to find "where are they registered"/didn't have to spend your time buying/wrapping/bringing or sending bulky presents you just had to write a check put in an envelope - and, voila, you are done!
As a guest I always appreciated the simplicity of the process (although it was not a part of my original culture) and now being back here I wish it was an acceptable practice as well - nowdays people (especially in the US!) don't need more STUFF but everyone always can use some money And yes, of course, if you want to give something extra special that the newlyweds would treasure for the rest of their lives - nobody will say no (although you can never be certain that what is "extra special" to you is also extra special to them). I vividly remember one Japanese wedding where the "presents table" was a mix of white envelopes and a sea of blue (Tiffany blue, that is) - I don't think the couple was unhappy about it.

The problem here is the "cross-cultural" aspect of the invitation: the couple wanted to communicate somehow what they expected to those who come from a different culture than they do (they actually tried to be polite by indicated what they did NOT want, rather what they wanted, but it still does not work...) I guess the same all "When in Rome" rule applies here... Too bad.

[Anonymous]

Given that several posters have indicated that gift giving at weddings in India is by no means the norm, could someone explain how it came about that some Indians in the US apparently ask for cash by specifying "no boxed gifts"? Is this a recent trend? Is it confined to just Indians from certain parts of India? Is it mainly immigrants who do this?

I am genuinely curious how this came about in the US?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very fascinating topic (well, mostly the reactions to it) and I think it is a great example of a situation that is completely normal and acceptable in some cultures and not at all in some others. Everything is relative

I lived many years in a place with predominantly Asian population where going to a wedding was very simple - nobody had to write anything on the invitations it was a "shared unwritten expectation": as I guest you didn't have to find "where are they registered"/didn't have to spend your time buying/wrapping/bringing or sending bulky presents you just had to write a check put in an envelope - and, voila, you are done!
As a guest I always appreciated the simplicity of the process (although it was not a part of my original culture) and now being back here I wish it was an acceptable practice as well - nowdays people (especially in the US!) don't need more STUFF but everyone always can use some money And yes, of course, if you want to give something extra special that the newlyweds would treasure for the rest of their lives - nobody will say no (although you can never be certain that what is "extra special" to you is also extra special to them). I vividly remember one Japanese wedding where the "presents table" was a mix of white envelopes and a sea of blue (Tiffany blue, that is) - I don't think the couple was unhappy about it.

The problem here is the "cross-cultural" aspect of the invitation: the couple wanted to communicate somehow what they expected to those who come from a different culture than they do (they actually tried to be polite by indicated what they did NOT want, rather what they wanted, but it still does not work...) I guess the same all "When in Rome" rule applies here... Too bad.

I am as old school WASPy as they come and I am starting to come around on this issue. Stuff is cheap and easy, a downpayment on a house or helping a couple's kid to attend college is the hard stuff. I have come down off my high horse on this, though my engraved monogrammed genes are making it hard.

But these days, it does make a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very fascinating topic (well, mostly the reactions to it) and I think it is a great example of a situation that is completely normal and acceptable in some cultures and not at all in some others. Everything is relative

I lived many years in a place with predominantly Asian population where going to a wedding was very simple - nobody had to write anything on the invitations it was a "shared unwritten expectation": as I guest you didn't have to find "where are they registered"/didn't have to spend your time buying/wrapping/bringing or sending bulky presents you just had to write a check put in an envelope - and, voila, you are done!
As a guest I always appreciated the simplicity of the process (although it was not a part of my original culture) and now being back here I wish it was an acceptable practice as well - nowdays people (especially in the US!) don't need more STUFF but everyone always can use some money And yes, of course, if you want to give something extra special that the newlyweds would treasure for the rest of their lives - nobody will say no (although you can never be certain that what is "extra special" to you is also extra special to them). I vividly remember one Japanese wedding where the "presents table" was a mix of white envelopes and a sea of blue (Tiffany blue, that is) - I don't think the couple was unhappy about it.

The problem here is the "cross-cultural" aspect of the invitation: the couple wanted to communicate somehow what they expected to those who come from a different culture than they do (they actually tried to be polite by indicated what they did NOT want, rather what they wanted, but it still does not work...) I guess the same all "When in Rome" rule applies here... Too bad.

I am as old school WASPy as they come and I am starting to come around on this issue. Stuff is cheap and easy, a downpayment on a house or helping a couple's kid to attend college is the hard stuff. I have come down off my high horse on this, though my engraved monogrammed genes are making it hard.

But these days, it does make a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am as old school WASPy as they come and I am starting to come around on this issue. Stuff is cheap and easy, a downpayment on a house or helping a couple's kid to attend college is the hard stuff. I have come down off my high horse on this, though my engraved monogrammed genes are making it hard.

But these days, it does make a lot of sense.

I'm with you - I especially liked the responses here "if I got the no boxed gifts invitations I would go buy a toaster and put it in a bag and shove it their uncultured assses" Really, people, really? You want to spend your money AND your time AND your effort? Oh, please, you are just too gerenous!

The whole gift-giving tradition definitely has real historical reasons - yes, there was a time in America when "things" were expensive and valuable and even not so easy to obtain. But this time is not now. Now is actually the opposite of that - how many treads on DCUM bemoan "too much stuff/too much clutter/how do I simplify"? I wonder if they come from the same people who are outraged at the "no boxed gifts" suggestion?

And I have a funny personal wedding gift story - we were young and had a very informal wedding, didn't expect any gifts but were grateful for every single one (we really had nothing and we actually used that toaster oven All of those things are long gone (how many people still use the toaster oven from decades ago?), but only one gift still remains (and I hope I'll have it to the day I die )

One of our friends of Asian heritage gave us a vase with "flowers" in it - and all the "flowers" were made by her out of one dollar bills.
I never counted how many dollar bills are actually there but my guess is about $50 (a lot of money to us back then). Not sure about the real cultural background of the gift but I think it is just one of the culturally acceptable ways of giving money but in a "cute way" and with "personal touch" (it probably took her several hours to make all those "flowers", so not as easy as just writing a check).
Most likely we were expected to use it as money but after the wedding we decided not to touch our "money flowers" and agreed to use the money only if were ever really really needed it along the way - and although we came close on a couple of occasions, but the money bouquet is still intact. 20+ years later. Looking at it right now. The BEST wedding gift I ever got.

[Anonymous]

I think the reason why you are seeing the negative reactions is because an invitation for any occasion such as a wedding, birthday, anniversary, etc should not specifically ask for gifts and certainly should not specify for any category of gift whether cash or anything else. If one asked about a preferred gift and the response was that they would like cash that would at least be defensible.

What is next? Gifts should be at least $x because the cost of dinner for the invited guest is about that amount?

[Anonymous]

Whoa. I just came upon this thread and only read a few pages but people, chill. I'm South Asian and yes, it's normal to give money and I've see request on invitations plenty of times. You may think it's tacky but others may think registries, etc are tacky.

Personally, I didn't put it on our invitations but I don't care if others do. If you don't want to go to the wedding because of the written request, don't go. You'll be fine and they'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa. I just came upon this thread and only read a few pages but people, chill. I'm South Asian and yes, it's normal to give money and I've see request on invitations plenty of times. You may think it's tacky but others may think registries, etc are tacky.

Personally, I didn't put it on our invitations but I don't care if others do. If you don't want to go to the wedding because of the written request, don't go. You'll be fine and they'll be fine.

Well, there are South Asians who say it is tacky and crass and others who say that it is something that is not done in India. Registries are not announced on wedding invitations because that would be crass. People who wish to give a gift are made aware of them to help identify a gift that a couple would like.

But you are right about one thing: if asking for a gift as part of the invitation is offensive, one can certainly opt to decline the invite.

[Anonymous]

I just don't get the references to a toaster as a wedding gift. A toaster would be appropriate as a shower gift but never as a wedding gift. Shower gifts are more practical and mundane, they are the things you might use up or wear out over time. Wedding gifts are typically items like china, silver, crystal, for example. Wedding gifts tend to be items of substance that will last.

A toaster, whether in a box or a bag, is not a wedding gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wedding gifts are typically items like china, silver, crystal, for example. Wedding gifts tend to be items of substance that will last.

From the old-fashioned standpoint you are most likely accurate however not everyone wants to have items like "crystal" in their homes - let alone "last a lifetime". And everyone likes money

Just consulted our dear friend Ms. Post and even she is not so married to crystal

http://www.emilypost.com/guests/choosing-gifts

Is it tacky to send money? Not at all. Cash gifts are often just right for couples who have already established their households or are saving for something special.

[Anonymous]

I always write a check.

That way I know that they have cashed it, and that my gift is not lost or stolen. This happened after the time that I sent an expensive gift from registry that was directly shipped to the couple and they never acknowledged it. The tracking info showed that someone from the apartment building signed for it - but I never knew if the couple got it. After a year the couple divorced so it seemed very tacky to ask if they got the gift.

Writing a gift check also means that they know who gave it to them because the name and address is on it.

I prefer cash to gift card because they can decide how they want to spend it. Truth is that people do not care about "stuff" any more. And if they rather spend my gift money buying bathmats and toilet brush - so be it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As "tacky' as giving cash is, I have never seen anyone who was not delighted to get it as a gift.

For the kajilionty-seventh time: it isn't the giving of cash that is offensive, it's writing on the damn invite that that is the only acceptable gift.

[Anonymous]

Etiquette is to guide YOUR behavior, not a standard to judge OTHERS. So, no this is not something I would do, but I'm certainly not going to feign offense because someone else does. Go or don't go, give a gift or don't, but for Pete's sake stop all of the judgment. THAT is bad etiquette.