Wedding Invitation - "No Boxed Gifts"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:South Asians take note. Don't invite the whites to the wedding. They will post about your invite, mock your customs and yet they will still be the ones offended.

I think the way to deal with this and not cause the sort of fracas you see on this subject is really simple:

- one option is not to invite whites or others who would not be able to relate to South Asian customs regarding gift giving
- if you are still going to invite them then don't include anything about gifts or boxed gifts or cash
- have a wedding registry just for those who are not comfortable with the South Asian way of doing these things
- for someone who does get such an invite and is uncomfortable with the type of gift, then either do not go or accept the invitation but don't give any gift

It is difficult for even well-intentioned people not familiar with South Asian ways of doing these things to adjust to demands/requests for cash gifts.

I am a South Asian and I can assure you that there is no South Asian way of dealing with the issue of wedding gifts. South Asians who have lived in the US all their lives approach this as any American would. They would not specify the type of gift they want on an invitation and a wedding registry is the usual format used. Frankly, many would view it as crass and vulgar to ask for cash.

What you are seeing here is really South Asians importing to the US the way they do things in India. It does not make it right or wrong though it does create the potential for misunderstanding among those not familiar with South Asian traditions as practised in some parts of India.

An example of this is the PP who came to the US at the age of 18 years who has been defending gift giving in the form of cash. It is what she is familiar with but would be viewed as an anomaly by most South Asians raised here. I don't say this as a value judgement because for her - given the environment in which she was raised - it is what she views as the norm.

South Asians who have lived here all their lives sometimes end up in conflicts with their parents about wedding arrangments. They are less prone to go with the elaborate weddings with 500+ guests that their parents may want. For the parents who they invite is a matter of social obligations, a desire to impress their social group, wanting the best for their children which somehow translates into a large wedding, etc.

My cousin, when he got married, put his foot down and said that he and his fiance wanted a small wedding - there were less than 60 guests with just immediate family and close friends of the couple. It was a beautiful wedding in a wonderful setting and they specifically said they did not want any gifts but to instead donate the money that would have been spent on gifts to a couple of named charities. BTW, the size of the wedding had nothing to do with what they could afford. It was just a personal preference. The parents held a reception several weeks after the event mainly because they felt socially obligated to do so and at the request of the couple they asked that any gifts be donated to the same charities.

What on earth? I've never seen a wedding invitation in India say "no boxed gifts." I also don't see anything wrong with a gift giver giving cash if that's what the giver wants to do. The only problem here is the recipient is telling everyone that certain gifts will not be accepted. I don't know anyone in India who would actually say that to a wedding invitee, and I don't believe it's because cash is already the customary gift. It's because in India, just like everywhere else in the world, telling the gift giver that certain gifts will not be accepted is insulting and offensive. Period.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most judgmental thread I have ever read on DCUM...

I don't know about it being the most judgmental thread because there are lots of those.

What I do wonder is if this had been about some ethnic group or racial group other than South Asians, would we have seen the same degree of vitriol? For whatever reason, Indians seem to come under attack and criticism a lot more than other groups on this forum.

That is quite the persecution complex. I genuinely don't think anyone gives a flying fuck that this is about "South Asians." I think people are baffled that anyone's manners could be so deplorable as to basically write, "cash gifts only" on the invite. It's crass beyond belief, like offering a sex tape from the honeymoon.

And seriously? Oh my god, there have been threads far longer about Catholics and Jewish people and their quirks and practices. Half this thread, FTR, seems to be people - of indeterminate origin - defending this as somehow an acceptable practice.

[Anonymous]

There is no bloody "South Asian" way of gift giving in weddings. So don't stereotype. I am Indian, who moved here as an adult and ALL weddings in my family had a "no presents pls" on the wedding card. I think implying in any way how they would like to receive gifts is crass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most judgmental thread I have ever read on DCUM...

I don't know about it being the most judgmental thread because there are lots of those.

What I do wonder is if this had been about some ethnic group or racial group other than South Asians, would we have seen the same degree of vitriol? For whatever reason, Indians seem to come under attack and criticism a lot more than other groups on this forum.

hah. I did a traditional Hungarian dollar dance to a polka. Considering we had a black tie wedding, we weren't in it for the money (and it wasn't mandatory to drop a dollar in), but omg some people get so upset about other culture's traditions.

Dollar dances are tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no bloody "South Asian" way of gift giving in weddings. So don't stereotype. I am Indian, who moved here as an adult and ALL weddings in my family had a "no presents pls" on the wedding card. I think implying in any way how they would like to receive gifts is crass

I lived in India for 26 years and never once have I seen anything printed about presents other than "no presents pls" on a wedding card. Some people bring gifts some don't. And weddings are large affairs, there. Anywhere from a 100 to 500 people invited.
It wasn't until I moved here that I learned about the concept of wedding registries and mention of gifting on wedding cards. I still find it tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no bloody "South Asian" way of gift giving in weddings. So don't stereotype. I am Indian, who moved here as an adult and ALL weddings in my family had a "no presents pls" on the wedding card. I think implying in any way how they would like to receive gifts is crass

I lived in India for 26 years and never once have I seen anything printed about presents other than "no presents pls" on a wedding card. Some people bring gifts some don't. And weddings are large affairs, there. Anywhere from a 100 to 500 people invited.
It wasn't until I moved here that I learned about the concept of wedding registries and mention of gifting on wedding cards. I still find it tacky.

Wedding invitations from Americans don't specify the types of gifts or even the existence of a wedding registry. It is information that is obtained informally from someone who is in the know as to whether there is registry though as a PP pointed out it can also be found through googling it in many cases. The reason it is not part of the invitation is because there is an attempt to separate the event from using it to acquire gifts.

But - whatever may happen in India - you have had several Indians on this thread defending the appropriateness of asking for a cash gift and to make matters worse it is part of the invitation. A PP even bragged about paying off her student loans using the proceeds from the cash gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no bloody "South Asian" way of gift giving in weddings. So don't stereotype. I am Indian, who moved here as an adult and ALL weddings in my family had a "no presents pls" on the wedding card. I think implying in any way how they would like to receive gifts is crass

I lived in India for 26 years and never once have I seen anything printed about presents other than "no presents pls" on a wedding card. Some people bring gifts some don't. And weddings are large affairs, there. Anywhere from a 100 to 500 people invited.
It wasn't until I moved here that I learned about the concept of wedding registries and mention of gifting on wedding cards. I still find it tacky.

Wedding invitations from Americans don't specify the types of gifts or even the existence of a wedding registry. It is information that is obtained informally from someone who is in the know as to whether there is registry though as a PP pointed out it can also be found through googling it in many cases. The reason it is not part of the invitation is because there is an attempt to separate the event from using it to acquire gifts.

But - whatever may happen in India - you have had several Indians on this thread defending the appropriateness of asking for a cash gift and to make matters worse it is part of the invitation. A PP even bragged about paying off her student loans using the proceeds from the cash gifts.

India is as diverse as it gets. Each region has their customs/traditions. If a few PPs posted they were ok with accepting cash gifts, it isn't representative of the entire south Asian community. And in no part of India do people explicitly mention or even hint at a wedding registry or what kind of gifts they would like to receive. When I lived there brides/grooms never had wedding registries. I don't know how it is today. It is customary for only close relatives, I.e immediate paternal/maternal to gift the bride/groom, either in gold or cash. Others aren't even expected to contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wedding invitations from Americans don't specify the types of gifts or even the existence of a wedding registry. It is information that is obtained informally from someone who is in the know as to whether there is registry though as a PP pointed out it can also be found through googling it in many cases. The reason it is not part of the invitation is because there is an attempt to separate the event from using it to acquire gifts.

But - whatever may happen in India - you have had several Indians on this thread defending the appropriateness of asking for a cash gift and to make matters worse it is part of the invitation. A PP even bragged about paying off her student loans using the proceeds from the cash gifts.

India is as diverse as it gets. Each region has their customs/traditions. If a few PPs posted they were ok with accepting cash gifts, it isn't representative of the entire south Asian community. And in no part of India do people explicitly mention or even hint at a wedding registry or what kind of gifts they would like to receive. When I lived there brides/grooms never had wedding registries. I don't know how it is today. It is customary for only close relatives, I.e immediate paternal/maternal to gift the bride/groom, either in gold or cash. Others aren't even expected to contribute.

Fair points!

However, to non-Indians or those unfamiliar with India and protocols followed, what struck me was the defense of cash gifts and asking for cash gifts by some PPs' who were presumably of Indian origin. This seems all the more odd given what you say about giving gifts at weddings in India - although there was the one PP who insisted that giving cash gifts at weddings was the norm in India. She was also aggrieved that her white in-laws gave either no gifts or nominal amounts of cash and suggested that it had impacted her relationship with her in-laws!

Then you had other PPs' suggesting that white people should not be invited to Indian weddings because of what they deemed to be the "mocking" of Indian traditions in the way of giving gifts at weddings.

[Anonymous]

To answer OPs question. Yes, it's unbelievably tacky to put that on the invite. It the question is, if you generally like them and want to be at their wedding with them, go. If you don't like giving cash (which is not at all unusual in many cultures - go to an Italian wedding sometime - the bride carries a bag to accept all the checks from the older generation), then a generic gift card.

If you didn't want to go anyway or are so unbelievably offended by the invite, politely decline.

[Anonymous]

As "tacky' as giving cash is, I have never seen anyone who was not delighted to get it as a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most judgmental thread I have ever read on DCUM...

I don't know about it being the most judgmental thread because there are lots of those.

What I do wonder is if this had been about some ethnic group or racial group other than South Asians, would we have seen the same degree of vitriol? For whatever reason, Indians seem to come under attack and criticism a lot more than other groups on this forum.

hah. I did a traditional Hungarian dollar dance to a polka. Considering we had a black tie wedding, we weren't in it for the money (and it wasn't mandatory to drop a dollar in), but omg some people get so upset about other culture's traditions.

Dollar dances are tacky.

Ugh. STFU already. We get it Miss Manners. You're a mean-spirited, sanctimonious person. You don't like other people who have traditions that go against your WASP-y Southern Manners Rulebook. Turn that judgmental eye inward and take a good hard look at the type of person you are. You may not put a gift registry on your wedding invite but, I assure you, there's plenty of other things you and the other Judgey Janes can work on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most judgmental thread I have ever read on DCUM...

I don't know about it being the most judgmental thread because there are lots of those.

What I do wonder is if this had been about some ethnic group or racial group other than South Asians, would we have seen the same degree of vitriol? For whatever reason, Indians seem to come under attack and criticism a lot more than other groups on this forum.

hah. I did a traditional Hungarian dollar dance to a polka. Considering we had a black tie wedding, we weren't in it for the money (and it wasn't mandatory to drop a dollar in), but omg some people get so upset about other culture's traditions.

Dollar dances are tacky.

People just purely love to feel superior, don't they?

[Anonymous]

My wedding gift giving has changed over the years:

early 20s: I never consulted a registry and just had to get a unique gift for the couple. I took the gift to the reception and deposited it on the gift table.

after I got married: I only bought from a couple's registry and I had it delivered a few weeks before the wedding. I skipped the gift wrapping.

Now: I bring a card to the reception. Inside the card is a check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most judgmental thread I have ever read on DCUM...

I don't know about it being the most judgmental thread because there are lots of those.

What I do wonder is if this had been about some ethnic group or racial group other than South Asians, would we have seen the same degree of vitriol? For whatever reason, Indians seem to come under attack and criticism a lot more than other groups on this forum.

hah. I did a traditional Hungarian dollar dance to a polka. Considering we had a black tie wedding, we weren't in it for the money (and it wasn't mandatory to drop a dollar in), but omg some people get so upset about other culture's traditions.

Dollar dances are tacky.

Ugh. STFU already. We get it Miss Manners. You're a mean-spirited, sanctimonious person. You don't like other people who have traditions that go against your WASP-y Southern Manners Rulebook. Turn that judgmental eye inward and take a good hard look at the type of person you are. You may not put a gift registry on your wedding invite but, I assure you, there's plenty of other things you and the other Judgey Janes can work on.

+100

So much judgement. That's what I consider tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wedding gift giving has changed over the years:

early 20s: I never consulted a registry and just had to get a unique gift for the couple. I took the gift to the reception and deposited it on the gift table.

after I got married: I only bought from a couple's registry and I had it delivered a few weeks before the wedding. I skipped the gift wrapping.

Now: I bring a card to the reception. Inside the card is a check.

Surely it should also depend on the recipient. If one is giving a gift to a couple who has a substantial income, and who one does not have a close relationship with, a check for $50 or $100 would be insignificant and almost cheap. Something with the same value in a registry would seem more appropriate.