Reply to Is This the Norm? My Husband Says I’m Wrong

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[quote=Anonymous]Oh, sweetheart, you have had a rough road. Through so much of your childhood, you must have felt on shaky ground. Your living situations were so often so temporary or otherwise unstable. I’m sure your parents loved you, and it was kind that others took you in during times of need. But you never really knew the stability and safety of parental care in the same way that most children do. No wonder you were looking to create a family of your own right away — it’s the family you never had for yourself.

For all the issues with your marriage, I can easily see how it feels safe and secure and caring compared to all the living situations in your past. Compared to some of what you’ve seen, even a marriage that’s a little problematic must seem so much better than the very worst relationships.

But, as someone who had lived several decades li her than you and seen a lot of other women go through life changes, I can almost guarantee that sooner or later you’re going to want to make some changes. Your son will get busier and more independent, and in 10 years he’ll go off to live in his own. You’ll still have so many decades in front of you, and what will you want to do with all that time? You don’t have to decide today, but now’s a good time to start thinking things through and wondering what might be.

For the moment, go ahead and set aside what everyone is saying about the age gap. You can even set aside how and when you met your husband and the birth control discussion. But please take a good look at where you are in your marriage TODAY. Which parts are working? Which parts are NOT working? What changes do you need to be happier and have your needs better met?

If you stay with your husband, the dynamics of your life with him will be your life’s path. The current situation between you two will be your son’s entire childhood. Among other things, it will set him up for what he expects in his own relationships for the rest of his life. Knowing that, are there changes you need to make to set you all up for the best possible future? Please use this as a wakeup call to start figuring that out. Remember, marriage is (supposed to be!) a partnership, and you’re allowed to have needs and to have those needs met by your partner. That is true even when one partner makes a salary and the other stays home with house and children. You’re both contributing to the success of the household, and you both deserve to be supported in return.

Every family is different, but if this helps to know what’s “normal”…. Most families have joint accounts for banks, credit cards, etc. My husband and I got married in our 30s so never combined accounts, and we each just pay whatever makes sense out of those accounts. He makes 2x what I do, so he naturally pays more of our expenses. So if I was facing the same summer situation, I would most likely book my own vacation with our child while he was gone. I would consider something like a resort or cruise that has a kid’s club so that I wasn’t on for parenting 24/7. If money in my own account was too tight, my husband would the one to encourage me to dip into our joint savings. Or he would book the flights on his credit card, or whatever we needed. He would support me in making it happen. Or maybe together we’d figure out some other plan like sending kiddo to camp while I got some personal projects done at home. Or I’d parent normally while he’s gone but then go off on my own trip later while he was solo parent. (We did that one last year, and it was his suggestion. He would have felt too guilty planning his boys’ trip otherwise.)

The point is, marriage should be partners supporting each other’s needs. The reason people here are worked up is because your husband is not treating you as a partner when he refuses you and his young child a vacation while taking a long and extravagant one himself. You and your son have valid needs too, and he’s ignoring those needs. And there’s no partnership in the fact that he’s making the decision, alone, on behalf of you and your son.

For most of us, the problem is not the fact that he’s spending time with his other kids and ex-wife without you. The problem is that he wants you and your child to just sit home all summer while he’s gone and he gives you no way to take independent steps toward a different plan. That control is what you should be thinking hard about in this situation. That’s the part that isn’t normal or healthy. [/quote]

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