How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was not in the wrong

You half here on DCUM who think she was in the wrong, thank goodness the rest of us don't have "friends" like you!

And vice versa!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks it’s a little weird at how invested OP is in who attends her daughter’s wedding? I mean, if her daughter was distraught that’s one thing, but if one of my moms friends didn’t come to my wedding, I doubt I would have noticed.

It’s not your wedding, OP.

It's her best friend of 20s years whom they've shared major milestones with. One such being their children's wedding. Stop acting like your surprised she expects her best friend there. It makes you look foolish.

Someone looks and sounds foolish here and it's not PP, it's you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She was not in the wrong

You half here on DCUM who think she was in the wrong, thank goodness the rest of us don't have "friends" like you!

And vice versa!

Well op disagrees because she apologized to her friend Sue. Are you saying op is wrong too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

^^this is my thought, too. It seems she’s literally a part of the other couple’s relationship in a way that is important to them personally because she introduced them to each other. It makes sense that she feels obliged to make an appearance. I agree she has some obligation to you, but surely you see that it doesn’t extend to your daughter. This isn’t your day. Does your daughter even care? Mine wouldn’t give two hoots if a family friend of mine came or not, regardless of whether she babysat for their kids. My MIL insisted on inviting her friends to our very small wedding, I personally didn’t care but in the back of my mind I wondered whether they even really cared that much themselves about being there. I’m sure they felt honored to be included but I can’t really imagine the actual ceremony and seeing all of me and my husband’s friends, people they didn’t know at all, meant anything to them.

Do you not have any friends?

+1. She's not "literally" a part of their relationship. She set 2 people up, one is just a coworker. I can see how they would get an invite to the wedding "we owe it all to Sue" but that doesn't mean it trumps a 20 year friendship where the friends are like family. Sue felt conflicted enough about it and new RSVPing no was going to be a problem. So it wasn't that easy of a decision for her to make when she felt obligated to go to the other wedding as well.

NP. A wedding day is first and foremost about the two people getting married.

Sue feels closest—as a direct peer—to her coworkers. Those are her actual friends. Sue may well like OP’s daughter and have a pleasant relationship with her, but it’s not a peer relationship.

OP is acting like Sue is missing her own wedding. Get real.

WTF? Who feels closest to their coworkers over a 20 year friendship? Sues's friend will probably change jobs and the coworker will be out of sight, out of mind. Versus maintaining ties with your best friends and their families? Your priorities are messed up.

Again, some more: OP IS NOT THE ONE GETTING MARRIED!

So? Sue was obviously conflicted which is why she delayed getting back to OP. This wasn't a slam dunk so obvious decision for her, despite what you think. Friends are like family to people, and you invite your extended family to weddings. It's bizarre some people don't understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need a gut check.

My DD is getting married next week. I have 4 close girlfriends. We see each other weekly & have done so for 20+ years (all our kids are now grown); we take trips together, have a group text, and generally are a fun & drama-free set (which I've always found remarkable). All 4 friends have known about DD's wedding for well over a year, and we've continually talked about how exciting it all will be.

This is about 1 of those friends, whom I'll call Sue. When the RSVP date came & passed late last month, and my DD hadn't received the RSVP card from Sue, I called Sue to double check that both she & her DH would be coming. I thought it was a pro forma call, since we'd talked about my DD's wedding for so long, and she'd offered to help. She said she wouldn't be coming. Another friend (from her workplace) was getting married on the same day at the same time, and she felt she needed to go to that other wedding, because she'd helped introduce the couple.

I explained I was hurt and disappointed, and I needed some time to process. She immediately changed course, said she had made a certain calculus, and she'd felt wrong about it. So then she said she would be coming to my DD's wedding, but her husband would go to the other person's wedding. Okay.

Next (sorry this is long), she called me again earlier this week. She talked about splitting the day for herself - coming to my DD's ceremony & then driving an hour to the other person's reception. I was confused, and I told her I didn't know what she wanted me to say. I thought we'd talked it all out. She'd known about my DD's wedding first, we've been incredibly close for over 20 years, and she'd already said she'd be there. My DD paid the final deposit, etc. (not that it's about money, but just a point of fact). After we talked for half an hour, she said she'd stay at my DD's wedding for a few hours...and I reiterated that I wanted to be sure this was something she wanted to do. Yes, it was. Again, okay.

Then I get a text a few days ago. She wrote that her DH was putting his foot down (something he actually wouldn't have done), and she regretted not being able to be in two places at one time, but she was only going to attend the other wedding. WTAF?

I texted back something along the lines of...seriously? I texted that she was going to do what she was going to do, nothing much I could say, but I clearly understood where I stand in terms of her feelings about our friendship.

Since then, radio silence. The painful part is we're all part of a group, and I don't care to introduce drama to it. The other friends & I will all be at my DD's wedding. I'm sure Sue and I will still be together quite a lot. But I have zero interest in opening up to her again in any honest fashion, I don't care to extend much grace to her, and I'm hurt. Am I wrong here? What am I missing? Did I apply to much pressure by being honest about how I felt? If you were me, would you brush it off? Please help me figure this out.

My take is that Sue doesn't have a spine and just kept going with whoever pushed her harder and put more pressure on her. So I suspect the person with the other wedding put more pressure on her than you did. She didn't base her decision on how much she cares about anyone, just on who she thought she could afford to piss off more. Because you and her have been close for so long, it looks like she thought she had more room to disappoint you than the other person. A crummy way to make this decision for sure and it doesn't excuse her. I don't blame you for being upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess this helps me understand that I can come around on this after the wedding. I'll need time. I'm certain she would be open if I can be open. It's definitely going to be tough for me, because I'm so hurt. Hopefully that will pass.

Maybe she is hurt too that you were so pushy insisting that she attends. She did not RSVP that she would come. She explained why.

She didn’t rsvp at all. Because she’s a coward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess this helps me understand that I can come around on this after the wedding. I'll need time. I'm certain she would be open if I can be open. It's definitely going to be tough for me, because I'm so hurt. Hopefully that will pass.

Maybe she is hurt too that you were so pushy insisting that she attends. She did not RSVP that she would come. She explained why.

She didn’t rsvp at all. Because she’s a coward.

And Sue blamed it on her husband for putting his foot down. Another coward move. It’s not her husband’s coworker, it’s hers. Sue sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others above that she does not have a strong obligation to attend your dd's wedding when she has other close friends who are getting married at the same time. She did not RSVP until you manipulated her into coming, even when she offered a really valid reason for not attending. Then she stated over and over again why she could not make it and you threw a hissy fit. It's not your party so why is it so important that your friends attend?

No. The RSVP date came and went and Sue didn’t even have the respect to send her regrets. That’s absolutely uncalled for. Op had every right to call her up and ask about her intention to attend, and then express disappointment. She didn’t manipulate anyone. Sue handled it exceptionally poorly and then blamed her husband, poor guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess this helps me understand that I can come around on this after the wedding. I'll need time. I'm certain she would be open if I can be open. It's definitely going to be tough for me, because I'm so hurt. Hopefully that will pass.

Maybe she is hurt too that you were so pushy insisting that she attends. She did not RSVP that she would come. She explained why.

She didn’t rsvp at all. Because she’s a coward.

And Sue blamed it on her husband for putting his foot down. Another coward move. It’s not her husband’s coworker, it’s hers. Sue sucks.

And Sue's husband was like WTH, I'm not going to your co-workers wedding by myself! It's a wonder that in 20 years there haven't been other issues with Sue.

[Anonymous]

Sue and her husband clearly feel close to this co-worker.

Sue is close to you, but clearly not as close with your daughter. You should not have badgered her into coming and she should have RSVPed her regrets.

It's your daughter's wedding, NOT your wedding. If it was your wedding and Sue didn't come then I could see why you would be really upset, but it's not your wedding. Stop guilting Sue and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess this helps me understand that I can come around on this after the wedding. I'll need time. I'm certain she would be open if I can be open. It's definitely going to be tough for me, because I'm so hurt. Hopefully that will pass.

Maybe she is hurt too that you were so pushy insisting that she attends. She did not RSVP that she would come. She explained why.

She didn’t rsvp at all. Because she’s a coward.

Her being a coward is not baseless the OP lost her mind for her not attending.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be upset at all because this is all silly. I would only care if my daughter was upset and it sounds like she DGAF.

[Anonymous]

Priorities op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess this helps me understand that I can come around on this after the wedding. I'll need time. I'm certain she would be open if I can be open. It's definitely going to be tough for me, because I'm so hurt. Hopefully that will pass.

Maybe she is hurt too that you were so pushy insisting that she attends. She did not RSVP that she would come. She explained why.

She didn’t rsvp at all. Because she’s a coward.

Her being a coward is not baseless the OP lost her mind for her not attending.

Please explain how OP saying “I’m hurt and disappointed” is losing her mind. What is it with you posters that think expressing disappointment is akin to a hysterical meltdown?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess this helps me understand that I can come around on this after the wedding. I'll need time. I'm certain she would be open if I can be open. It's definitely going to be tough for me, because I'm so hurt. Hopefully that will pass.

Maybe she is hurt too that you were so pushy insisting that she attends. She did not RSVP that she would come. She explained why.

She didn’t rsvp at all. Because she’s a coward.

Her being a coward is not baseless the OP lost her mind for her not attending.

Please explain how OP saying “I’m hurt and disappointed” is losing her mind. What is it with you posters that think expressing disappointment is akin to a hysterical meltdown?

DP- OP posted because she thought this was a friendship-ending move on Sue’s part. A 20 year, very close friendship, ended becaise of this. That is losing your mind.