If you ever had an affair, how do you look back on it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband told me his best friend from college who married quite young drunkenly cheated a few times in the first year of marriage and also on his bachelor party. Never told his wife and she's totally oblivious to all of it. Claims he hasn't since. They've been married 20 years!

Your husband most likely has as well. Men/women with friends that did/do this almost always have as well.

Omg. Yes! For years I heard about my husband’s best friend that was cheating on wife. My husband always acted like it was wrong and we’d be like “I can’t believe he’s doing that”. Well- guess what? 18 years in I found out (completely blindsided!!) my husband was cheating. Never ever in a million years would I (or his/my family) have thought he’d ever do this. Perfect family man and husband and all. We had a great sex life/great marriage/relationship.

I have heard from numerous other people similar stories. It’s some weird psychological way of confessing without confessing and testing the waters.

It’s gaslighting! My husband and I had running jokes about a fake mistress. Turns out all that time he had a real f—img mistress!!!! Your guard is down and mind is twisted. It’s some crazy stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. Totally regret it. Marriage was very distant by the time I "went out," but we really did not work on the marriage before. Never got caught, but ended up leaving my wife after 27 years. We were friends and that was it, the kids were out of college. I should have tried to work on things, but we were not compatable in the end. I (we) should have worked on it. If it did not work then we should have split and then looked elsewhere. I still feel like a pig about the whole thing.

Most people should work on their first marriage. I say that because most of the women I know in second marriages aren't any happier. Steps they can't stand and it became more complicated with exes, and bad feelings from the kids on both sides. I also know women that stayed with the cheater, but emotionally ended it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I look back on my long term affair (10 years) not with regret but sadness.

He filled a giant void in my life at the time and it was very hard to end it (took work sex scandal that happened when he had affair with someone else in time when we only saw each other twice a year). And he was great lover.

But proved to me I suck at picking men so I have avoided relationships since then. Busy with work and being single mom and it’s okay

You think?!?!!

For godsakes, you picked a MARRIED man. A dishonest cheater. He had already proven to be a liar before you even started seeing him (he's betraying his wife).

It really isn't too difficult to avoid that. I don't think it's a picker when people choose to hook up with married people (or vice versa), it's a mental issue or past unprocessed trauma from childhood.

Exactly. She wasn't taught or learned back in childhood the morals and values most of us know. I know I wouldn't rob a bank, or steal from my neighbor whose garage door was left open. It's part of a mental illness, and poor judgement she still has. Obvious because she still can't identify as you pointed out that he was a pretty horrible person. She is still portraying it as a fantasy that never existed. It's sad because all her poor life choices has landed her in the situation she's in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband told me his best friend from college who married quite young drunkenly cheated a few times in the first year of marriage and also on his bachelor party. Never told his wife and she's totally oblivious to all of it. Claims he hasn't since. They've been married 20 years!

Your husband most likely has as well. Men/women with friends that did/do this almost always have as well.

Omg. Yes! For years I heard about my husband’s best friend that was cheating on wife. My husband always acted like it was wrong and we’d be like “I can’t believe he’s doing that”. Well- guess what? 18 years in I found out (completely blindsided!!) my husband was cheating. Never ever in a million years would I (or his/my family) have thought he’d ever do this. Perfect family man and husband and all. We had a great sex life/great marriage/relationship.

I have heard from numerous other people similar stories. It’s some weird psychological way of confessing without confessing and testing the waters.

Think about it. Would you want a best friend that treated their spouse that way? Or one that hit their spouse? It's ALL abuse. I would dump them in a heart beat. His behavior was showing you he actually condoned it.

I would have told his wife even anon if I had to. I hope you divorced him because I'll bet he did it more than you know. That's usually the case.

[Anonymous]

I’ve never had an affair with a married man, but in grad school, I was in love with a man who was in a long distance relationship. I should say secretly as I hadn’t told him or anyone else. We worked together as research assistants. I wasn’t even sure that he had any feelings back until his gf showed up and she began acting over the top about their relationship and he started acting guilty. She took me out to lunch one day and told me their whole love story and that he could have joined her fabulous life in Europe but he wanted a doctorate so badly so she “let” him do it as long as he promised to behave. She implied he had misbehaved. Meanwhile, we hadn’t even touched each other. They were engaged within a month of her arrival. She left her dream job and a great apartment overseas to protect her investment in a guy who she believed was falling in love with someone else. She made him leave our grad program at the end of the semester and move in with his parents. He looked really shell-shocked. I don’t believe in affairs, but just the possibility of one cost them both so much.

[Anonymous]

Was the “other guy” to a long-term relationship in grad school. Had a fun tryst for a ~month. She went on to marry the boyfriend (he never found out) and have a good life together with two kids. I found my spouse two years later. We still see each other at professional events every couple of years and it is like old friends seeing each other (no sexual tension, that ship sailed long ago). It is the one “relationship” that I look back fondly on. Conceptually I know that it was wrong, but at 22 it didn’t seem to matter at the time. If it had ruined their relationship I would have more of a sense of regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband told me his best friend from college who married quite young drunkenly cheated a few times in the first year of marriage and also on his bachelor party. Never told his wife and she's totally oblivious to all of it. Claims he hasn't since. They've been married 20 years!

Your husband most likely has as well. Men/women with friends that did/do this almost always have as well.

Omg. Yes! For years I heard about my husband’s best friend that was cheating on wife. My husband always acted like it was wrong and we’d be like “I can’t believe he’s doing that”. Well- guess what? 18 years in I found out (completely blindsided!!) my husband was cheating. Never ever in a million years would I (or his/my family) have thought he’d ever do this. Perfect family man and husband and all. We had a great sex life/great marriage/relationship.

I have heard from numerous other people similar stories. It’s some weird psychological way of confessing without confessing and testing the waters.

Think about it. Would you want a best friend that treated their spouse that way? Or one that hit their spouse? It's ALL abuse. I would dump them in a heart beat. His behavior was showing you he actually condoned it.

I would have told his wife even anon if I had to. I hope you divorced him because I'll bet he did it more than you know. That's usually the case.

Yes. 50-year old friend's husband found out about her 4-year affair during Covid. He was fooled into believing it was a one time thing (not the multi-year affair it was) AND has no idea there were other affairs and infidelities before this. To the outside world she is a SAHM that projects a wholesome 'boy mom' image and homemaker. But, she secretly hates her husband and could give 2 sh*ts about her teen sons and offloads them on husband so she can carry out her infidelities. The poor guy is a sap. He has zero idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband told me his best friend from college who married quite young drunkenly cheated a few times in the first year of marriage and also on his bachelor party. Never told his wife and she's totally oblivious to all of it. Claims he hasn't since. They've been married 20 years!

Your husband most likely has as well. Men/women with friends that did/do this almost always have as well.

Omg. Yes! For years I heard about my husband’s best friend that was cheating on wife. My husband always acted like it was wrong and we’d be like “I can’t believe he’s doing that”. Well- guess what? 18 years in I found out (completely blindsided!!) my husband was cheating. Never ever in a million years would I (or his/my family) have thought he’d ever do this. Perfect family man and husband and all. We had a great sex life/great marriage/relationship.

I have heard from numerous other people similar stories. It’s some weird psychological way of confessing without confessing and testing the waters.

Think about it. Would you want a best friend that treated their spouse that way? Or one that hit their spouse? It's ALL abuse. I would dump them in a heart beat. His behavior was showing you he actually condoned it.

I would have told his wife even anon if I had to. I hope you divorced him because I'll bet he did it more than you know. That's usually the case.

Yes. 50-year old friend's husband found out about her 4-year affair during Covid. He was fooled into believing it was a one time thing (not the multi-year affair it was) AND has no idea there were other affairs and infidelities before this. To the outside world she is a SAHM that projects a wholesome 'boy mom' image and homemaker. But, she secretly hates her husband and could give 2 sh*ts about her teen sons and offloads them on husband so she can carry out her infidelities. The poor guy is a sap. He has zero idea.

Wouldn't be so sure. He might have rationalized that if he leaves, his kid's lives blow up. So it is worth his while to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really regret it, but I do regret being careless because my kids found out. Still dealing with the fallout from that.

Just shows that tigers don't change their stripes (when it comes to what they value and who they put first).

I have come to the conclusion that people who cheat lack empathy. I don’t know that you can fix that. Sad for their families who have to live with the fallout.

Broadbrush much?

You don't know anyone's specific situation. Neglect, abuse, abandonment, infidelity, who knows.

Those are all good grounds for divorce. Not cheating. Try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband told me his best friend from college who married quite young drunkenly cheated a few times in the first year of marriage and also on his bachelor party. Never told his wife and she's totally oblivious to all of it. Claims he hasn't since. They've been married 20 years!

Your husband most likely has as well. Men/women with friends that did/do this almost always have as well.

Omg. Yes! For years I heard about my husband’s best friend that was cheating on wife. My husband always acted like it was wrong and we’d be like “I can’t believe he’s doing that”. Well- guess what? 18 years in I found out (completely blindsided!!) my husband was cheating. Never ever in a million years would I (or his/my family) have thought he’d ever do this. Perfect family man and husband and all. We had a great sex life/great marriage/relationship.

I have heard from numerous other people similar stories. It’s some weird psychological way of confessing without confessing and testing the waters.

Think about it. Would you want a best friend that treated their spouse that way? Or one that hit their spouse? It's ALL abuse. I would dump them in a heart beat. His behavior was showing you he actually condoned it.

I would have told his wife even anon if I had to. I hope you divorced him because I'll bet he did it more than you know. That's usually the case.

Yes. 50-year old friend's husband found out about her 4-year affair during Covid. He was fooled into believing it was a one time thing (not the multi-year affair it was) AND has no idea there were other affairs and infidelities before this. To the outside world she is a SAHM that projects a wholesome 'boy mom' image and homemaker. But, she secretly hates her husband and could give 2 sh*ts about her teen sons and offloads them on husband so she can carry out her infidelities. The poor guy is a sap. He has zero idea.

How can you be friends with such a messed up human?

[Anonymous]

I had an affair that went on for around 12 years until I finally had the sense to cut contact a few years ago. I didn't regret it at all until recently. I'd absolved myself from guilt somehow by reasoning that I wasn't the first he'd cheat with and wouldn't be the last, both of which were true. A little while ago I saw a SM post from one of his now grown children about what a screwed up home/family life they'd had and how child hasn't spoken to his parents in years over it. It was only then that I started having regrets and realizing what damage and destruction I might have helped cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair that went on for around 12 years until I finally had the sense to cut contact a few years ago. I didn't regret it at all until recently. I'd absolved myself from guilt somehow by reasoning that I wasn't the first he'd cheat with and wouldn't be the last, both of which were true. A little while ago I saw a SM post from one of his now grown children about what a screwed up home/family life they'd had and how child hasn't spoken to his parents in years over it. It was only then that I started having regrets and realizing what damage and destruction I might have helped cause.

Have no idea what his appeal might have been, but who cares about what he did? It is your feelings and beliefs that matter.

[Anonymous]

I have had many affairs. No regrets. Life experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had many affairs. No regrets. Life experience.

Right, so while you were getting screwed, so was your wife. Just in a different way.

People like you are actually scarey to me.

So amoral and selfish.

[Anonymous]

I had a ONS once while traveling. I don’t regret it as my marriage is basically sexless. My DH doesn’t know and never will. It was a mistake, but I have forgiven myself.