Is yours the house the kids hang out at? How'd you get that to happen?

[Anonymous]

First, you have to live in a neighborhood that invites that sort of socialization. My DDs aren’t close in age to anyone in our neighborhood, so socializing with friends at our house is limited to weekends, if friends can get here. Most of their friends work at the weekend or have extra classes so socializing is mostly for special occasions because everyone is otherwise busy.

[Anonymous]

And pizza. I used to order so much pizza and they would devour it as snacks every weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is one of those things like how do you get a good sleeper that is actually not predictable but people who have been successful like to think it’s due to what they did.

This is NOTHING like that... that's a ridiculous analogy.

This is something you need to cultivate and put effort into.

There's a difference between a parent that's open & welcoming and a parent with such severe anxiety that they freak out at the the THOUGHT of someone coming over, forget about if their kid actually asks.

There's a difference between a parent who is genuine and warm, and one who can barely stand the thought of kids being in their home.

There's a difference between a parent giving kids the respect of personal space and one who hovers over them listening in to all conversations.

There's a difference between a parent who has a genuine care for those who enter their home, and one who can barely feign their ambivalence
& resting b-i-t-c-h face when anyone comes over.

There's a difference between a parent who is easy going and doesnt sweat the small stuff, and a parent who looms about and watched like a hawk to make sure the ottoman isn't moved over an inch, or the vacuum lines aren't ruined.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the fact that you didn't know any of this and think it's all left up to chance; tells me that you're most definitely the latter parent in every single one of these scenarios.

Oh FFS get over yourself before you sprain something patting yourself on the back

Yes there are parents who are unwelcoming but there are many more parents who have snacks and know how to give kids their space etc and the reason one house becomes more of a hangout has much more to do with things like the internal group dynamics, neighborhood geography etc than your skill as a shopper or listener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FFS, don't give them alcohol to make yours the hang out house. And don't convince yourself that it's okay to do so because you're "supervising" or some other such nonsense.

Snacks, yes, in abundance. Alcohol and other drugs, hell no.

FFS???
Show me ONE person who said that they provide drugs or alcohol to their kids friends??

Stop pushing your narrative, it's clear that nobody here is doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
- I rarely if ever say no even if they ask at the last minute. I pretty much always say yes unless we have a prior commitment to not be home. Even if my adult friend was coming over, I still let the kids invite their friends.
- I don't clean the house because they're coming over. This signals to my kids that asking me if friends can come over is an "easy ask" and not a big deal that means more work for me. Of course, it is more work for me, but I don't want them to make this part of their calculation when deciding whether to invite friends over.
- I purposely bought furniture that can take a beating, but it is still stylish and looks appealing. (Leather couches, furry but washable rugs that kids can sleep on.) So I never have to cringe or hold my breath when they flop themselves on the chair or put crap on the coffee table or whatever. People pick up on this, kids or adults.
- We have friendly dogs that like to cuddle with visitors. Their toys are usually all over the house, as is their fur. So it's clearly just fine to make yourself at home here without feeling like everything is too perfect to relax.
- I always make them pancakes or something "special" if there is a sleepover. This helps them to see that I actually welcome having them there and it's not just something I tolerate.
- I let them eat pizza for dinner even if it means I have to make myself a real meal.
- I don't ask questions like, "How is school going?" Instead, I ask if they've got any pictures on their phone from the trip their family took last month. Or I'll ask if the water was cold at the beach they went to. Something specific that is easy to start a conversation with, and that also shows I paid attention to things they told me the last time I saw them.
- If my kid does something that breaks a rule or pisses me off while they're here, I point it out and say out loud that we'll have to figure out a consequence later but I don't make everyone present witness the whole scene. As a kid I had a friend whose mom would discipline her in front of me and it was horrible, so I don't ever want to be like that.
- I have a lot of tools for things like fixing bikes and skateboards, and I let them use them.
- I regularly have my kids invite their friends along for things that we do outside of the house, including things like weekend trips. This promotes the idea that it's normal for their friends to do things with our family.

Your house sounds like someplace that *I* want to hang out, let alone my kid, lol.
You should write a handbook on this... I'd buy it!

[Anonymous]

Good snacks, restock their favorites. Trademark meal - kids would tell kids at school and everyone wanted to come or really looked forward to it when invited. Have stuff for them to do. Give them space. Don't say no if you can help it - even if the house is messy and you're exhausted and dishevelled.

But understand that life happens. Now that kids are teens they hangout in public places, they go to like 6 places in 3 hours. As teens they may be more likely to sleep at shared custody kids house due to those parents 'never seeing them'. Or someone has a dog to let out, or another obligation of some sort. Sometimes it's about being central to the friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a very nice walkout basement. Large TV, all the latest game systems, nice yard and I made it boy friendly. Lots of snacks.

The only problem is I had to put in a camera so no one took advantage. Plus strict rules on drinking ect...

What does this mean?
Take advantage of what? of who?
You're clearly not talking about drinking, because you use that as addition after saying that.

??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is one of those things like how do you get a good sleeper that is actually not predictable but people who have been successful like to think it’s due to what they did.

This is NOTHING like that... that's a ridiculous analogy.

This is something you need to cultivate and put effort into.

There's a difference between a parent that's open & welcoming and a parent with such severe anxiety that they freak out at the the THOUGHT of someone coming over, forget about if their kid actually asks.

There's a difference between a parent who is genuine and warm, and one who can barely stand the thought of kids being in their home.

There's a difference between a parent giving kids the respect of personal space and one who hovers over them listening in to all conversations.

There's a difference between a parent who has a genuine care for those who enter their home, and one who can barely feign their ambivalence
& resting b-i-t-c-h face when anyone comes over.

There's a difference between a parent who is easy going and doesnt sweat the small stuff, and a parent who looms about and watched like a hawk to make sure the ottoman isn't moved over an inch, or the vacuum lines aren't ruined.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the fact that you didn't know any of this and think it's all left up to chance; tells me that you're most definitely the latter parent in every single one of these scenarios.

You are so wrong. I’m a relaxed parent, and would be happy to have kids in my house while I read upstairs and let them snack and hang. My kids are both very popular and social. But they don’t like other kids in their space, and they like to be able to leave and go home when they are done socializing instead of having to kick kids out. It’s really a lot to do with the personality of your kids.

Obviously you haven’t learned the most important of parenting, which is first and foremost that you are not in control of everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a small house and no dedicated space for kids - they can be anywhere. This concerns me as it seems like that's a priority.

I don’t think this matters.

We have a 10,000+ sf house with multiple rooms dedicated to kids. My two boys would much rather go over a friend’s house than have people come to ours.

My daughter is different. She loves having her friends come over. She is only 4 though and because of the pandemic, she has only had 2 friends over.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. We live in a wealthy area and a lot of homes have some really cool features. I think kids personalities matter the most.

My oldest is shy and I used to host a lot of preschool and moms group play dates at our house. Assuming this is the same mindset as the SN mom. This only works through early elementary. I don’t think it will work in middle and high school. The other kids have to be friends with your kid to want to come over to hang out.

[Anonymous]

Agree that it’s the kid’s personality that matters the most. My BFF growing up had this kind of home. Her mom would load up the house with snacks, give us privacy in the living room, and always had a kind, calm, and non judgmental attitude. My BFF is extremely outgoing and loves to be around people so she was always inviting everyone over to the point that it became the default hangout house. She always had at least one friend over.

I am an introvert and loved going over there but would have hated it being my home. I need privacy and a good amount of time away from friends.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think the space itself matters much. Plenty of huge decked out houses go unused by kids.

It’s about the personalities of the kids (outgoing, highly social, loves having people in their personal space) and the parents (easy going, not strict about noise or messes, accommodating, friendly but not nosey).

[Anonymous]

I was a good cook and baker, so always something good to eat. Homemade made a big difference, as the other parents were buying the food. Mine was different and the kids liked the smell of cookies and pies baking and the aroma of the food cooking. They always commented on it. There was a lot of music playing and a lot of laughter in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the space itself matters much. Plenty of huge decked out houses go unused by kids.

It’s about the personalities of the kids (outgoing, highly social, loves having people in their personal space) and the parents (easy going, not strict about noise or messes, accommodating, friendly but not nosey).

Yeah, I grew up in a big house. But my mom (who is obese, which I say just to help you get a mental image) would sit in the den watching soaps after school, wearing her nightgown that barely came to her knees and her super old bathrobe. She is SUPER judgmental and her face screams all that judgment even if her mouth doesn't say the words. She also made it very difficult for my brother and I to have friends over - we had to answer like, five questions and all answers had to be acceptable before she'd say yes, and then god forbid the friend wanted to change something. So my brother and I can count on one or two hands each time we had a friend over in high school (and middle school), because it was such a big event.

I think my mother WANTED to be a cool laid back mom whose kids had friends over all the time. But she is SO controlling and uptight that she really couldn't handle it. Perfect example: Once I brought a friend home from high school - we had stayed late to try out for a play and then she couldn't find her bus so I suggested she come home with me. I introduced her to my mom, and my mom promptly told me, after saying hi to her, to guide her to the phone so she could call her dad to come pick her up. While she was on the phone with him, I asked my mom if I could give her a snack. "What are you going to offer her?" "Um, some cookies?" "No." As soon as the girl was off the phone my mother suggested we go sit outside to wait for her dad. Like, I was scared if the girl asked if she could use the bathroom my mother would say no. It was super uncomfortable. After she left I got a lecture for two hours about why I thought it was acceptable to bring someone home without first getting permission. And then I got punished.

So yeah, I'm always giving my kids' friends snacks and trying to make them feel welcome and comfortable when they're over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:snacks and giving them (perceived) space.....and snacks....

+1 If you feed them, they will come

Yup. I saw an idea on a college board about filling one of those over the door plastic shoe hangers with a big variety of snacks and sending it off to college with your kid. I made one for our basement and it's oddly a huge hit with the kids who come over. They love picking from it like it's a vending machine.