Is yours the house the kids hang out at? How'd you get that to happen?

[Anonymous]

My kids are little, but I want to plant the seeds of the desire to be at our house now. How did you become the house the kids want to be at?

[Anonymous]

Allowing them to come over, even last minute. We have a bonus room and DS's room they hang in, so separate from where I/DH am watching TV. I will provide whatever snacks they want. I do pop in occasionally to see if they need anything (which also serves as a visual that "remember I am in the house")

I say hi ask how they're doing when the show up but don't pepper them with 5 million nosey questions.

[Anonymous]

Ours is. We’ve had a massive area dedicated entirely to kids play since ours were young (pre- and early ES). We’re also just more relaxed than most other parents about kids doing kid things—messes, yelling, stomping around, banging on drums, all that kind of annoying stuff. Having plenty of space helps. We try to be warm and welcoming, most of the kids in our neighborhood don’t even knock when they come over. We love it.

It wasn’t really a conscious effort to become the hang out spot. But DD has some mild SN that can make it a little harder to make friends, so we did want to make sure she had that slight “advantage” of always having lots of fun games and activities around that friends would want to play.

[Anonymous]

snacks and giving them (perceived) space.....and snacks....

[Anonymous]

I’ve caught on that my DD and friends tend to gravitate to the homes where parents are OOT. This is more hs age when we’ve stopped asking whether parents will be home, or she’ll hang with a friend whose parents are away and the parent lets me know. This is usu a case where the friend doesn’t want to be home alone overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:snacks and giving them (perceived) space.....and snacks....

+1 If you feed them, they will come

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's always been that way and my parents home was the same way.

Our house was always the one that you didnt have to call first to see if they wanted to play, they'd just come over and ring the door... my parents never said no to friends coming over.

We too have an open door, more the merrier policy.
We made sure to give them an area (family room) where they could hang out and be themselves, without helicoptering parents stalking around.

We put a big screen TV down there, huge sectional couches that are really comfy and can be rearranged into movie watching chairs, we make everyone that comes to our home feel comfortable and welcome, our kids friends know that if they need to get out of their house for whatever reason, they have a safe place to land eighth us (and their parents are thankful for it).

I basically treat all of my kids friends like they're my own, as I'd want my child treated.
I am warm with them and make them feel comfortable being in my home, but I also treat them as my own in ways.

Such as; if they're eating over, I'll ask them to set the table while my kid is preparing a salad, I'll ask them to help load the dishwasher after dinner or take out the trash for me... and while most adults think kids don't want to do this in other people's homes, I find it makes them feel MORE a part of the family, as they feel awkward just sitting around doing nothing while everyone else is busy chipping in.

They actually like helping out and ask what else they can do -- I only give them light work such as that so they can feel included.

I remember the first time I came home from a date and my best friend was sitting at the kitchen table talking to my mom about a problem she was having with her boyfriend... she had been there four 2 hours while I was out, because she knew that she could.

That same scenario would happen many, many times over the years, with at least a dozen friends, because my mom was a great listener and she gave excellent, well balanced, thoughtful advice. She passed away from Pancreatic Cancer last year, and my dad passed 6 months later... his official cause of death? A broken heart. 😢
Boy, do I mis them.

If I can think of anything else, I'll let you know!

[Anonymous]

I think this is one of those things like how do you get a good sleeper that is actually not predictable but people who have been successful like to think it’s due to what they did.

[Anonymous]

Snacks, drink fridge, xbox, pool and trampoline. There are other factors but I think that's what brings the tween boys over....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ours is. We’ve had a massive area dedicated entirely to kids play since ours were young (pre- and early ES). We’re also just more relaxed than most other parents about kids doing kid things—messes, yelling, stomping around, banging on drums, all that kind of annoying stuff. Having plenty of space helps. We try to be warm and welcoming, most of the kids in our neighborhood don’t even knock when they come over. We love it.

It wasn’t really a conscious effort to become the hang out spot. But DD has some mild SN that can make it a little harder to make friends, so we did want to make sure she had that slight “advantage” of always having lots of fun games and activities around that friends would want to play.

Im the last pp, and this I'd the same with us!
My DS has ADHD, and it can be harder for him to pick up on social cues, so this really helped out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, it's always been that way and my parents home was the same way.

Our house was always the one that you didnt have to call first to see if they wanted to play, they'd just come over and ring the door... my parents never said no to friends coming over.

We too have an open door, more the merrier policy.
We made sure to give them an area (family room) where they could hang out and be themselves, without helicoptering parents stalking around.

We put a big screen TV down there, huge sectional couches that are really comfy and can be rearranged into movie watching chairs, we make everyone that comes to our home feel comfortable and welcome, our kids friends know that if they need to get out of their house for whatever reason, they have a safe place to land eighth us (and their parents are thankful for it).

I basically treat all of my kids friends like they're my own, as I'd want my child treated.
I am warm with them and make them feel comfortable being in my home, but I also treat them as my own in ways.

Such as; if they're eating over, I'll ask them to set the table while my kid is preparing a salad, I'll ask them to help load the dishwasher after dinner or take out the trash for me... and while most adults think kids don't want to do this in other people's homes, I find it makes them feel MORE a part of the family, as they feel awkward just sitting around doing nothing while everyone else is busy chipping in.

They actually like helping out and ask what else they can do -- I only give them light work such as that so they can feel included.

I remember the first time I came home from a date and my best friend was sitting at the kitchen table talking to my mom about a problem she was having with her boyfriend... she had been there four 2 hours while I was out, because she knew that she could.

That same scenario would happen many, many times over the years, with at least a dozen friends, because my mom was a great listener and she gave excellent, well balanced, thoughtful advice. She passed away from Pancreatic Cancer last year, and my dad passed 6 months later... his official cause of death? A broken heart. 😢
Boy, do I mis them.

If I can think of anything else, I'll let you know!

They sound wonderful. I’m glad you had them in your life.

[Anonymous]

When they get older, a good amount of it is the personality of the kids. The kids have to be leaders/inviters within their friend group. One of mine is, two are not.

When my kids were younger (up to about 13) I was the "hang out house". it was easy to be this just by having the right stuff and the right food. Now it depends more on my kids' position in their pack. Almost everyone has the same stuff and food at their homes.

Also, i will agree that when kids get older (teens) the popular homes are often the ones that do not have parents around. I can think of one in particular in my daughter's grade. It is the "it" house. Mom and dad are NEVER around (both work high prestige 80 hour jobs) There are co-ed sleepovers there all the time. It's quite the place to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is one of those things like how do you get a good sleeper that is actually not predictable but people who have been successful like to think it’s due to what they did.

This is NOTHING like that... that's a ridiculous analogy.

This is something you need to cultivate and put effort into.

There's a difference between a parent that's open & welcoming and a parent with such severe anxiety that they freak out at the the THOUGHT of someone coming over, forget about if their kid actually asks.

There's a difference between a parent who is genuine and warm, and one who can barely stand the thought of kids being in their home.

There's a difference between a parent giving kids the respect of personal space and one who hovers over them listening in to all conversations.

There's a difference between a parent who has a genuine care for those who enter their home, and one who can barely feign their ambivalence
& resting b-i-t-c-h face when anyone comes over.

There's a difference between a parent who is easy going and doesnt sweat the small stuff, and a parent who looms about and watched like a hawk to make sure the ottoman isn't moved over an inch, or the vacuum lines aren't ruined.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the fact that you didn't know any of this and think it's all left up to chance; tells me that you're most definitely the latter parent in every single one of these scenarios.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have a small house and no dedicated space for kids - they can be anywhere. This concerns me as it seems like that's a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a small house and no dedicated space for kids - they can be anywhere. This concerns me as it seems like that's a priority.

It is. But don’t worry about it, they won’t hang out at your house 15-21 anyway unless you let them drink.