Is yours the house the kids hang out at? How'd you get that to happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the space itself matters much. Plenty of huge decked out houses go unused by kids.

It’s about the personalities of the kids (outgoing, highly social, loves having people in their personal space) and the parents (easy going, not strict about noise or messes, accommodating, friendly but not nosey).

Yeah, I grew up in a big house. But my mom (who is obese, which I say just to help you get a mental image) would sit in the den watching soaps after school, wearing her nightgown that barely came to her knees and her super old bathrobe. She is SUPER judgmental and her face screams all that judgment even if her mouth doesn't say the words. She also made it very difficult for my brother and I to have friends over - we had to answer like, five questions and all answers had to be acceptable before she'd say yes, and then god forbid the friend wanted to change something. So my brother and I can count on one or two hands each time we had a friend over in high school (and middle school), because it was such a big event.

I think my mother WANTED to be a cool laid back mom whose kids had friends over all the time. But she is SO controlling and uptight that she really couldn't handle it. Perfect example: Once I brought a friend home from high school - we had stayed late to try out for a play and then she couldn't find her bus so I suggested she come home with me. I introduced her to my mom, and my mom promptly told me, after saying hi to her, to guide her to the phone so she could call her dad to come pick her up. While she was on the phone with him, I asked my mom if I could give her a snack. "What are you going to offer her?" "Um, some cookies?" "No." As soon as the girl was off the phone my mother suggested we go sit outside to wait for her dad. Like, I was scared if the girl asked if she could use the bathroom my mother would say no. It was super uncomfortable. After she left I got a lecture for two hours about why I thought it was acceptable to bring someone home without first getting permission. And then I got punished.

So yeah, I'm always giving my kids' friends snacks and trying to make them feel welcome and comfortable when they're over.

Oh gosh, that's awful. I'm sorry that happened. It almost sounds like she was struggling with mental illness of some sort, anxiety maybe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a small house and no dedicated space for kids - they can be anywhere. This concerns me as it seems like that's a priority.

I don’t think this matters.

We have a 10,000+ sf house with multiple rooms dedicated to kids. My two boys would much rather go over a friend’s house than have people come to ours.

My daughter is different. She loves having her friends come over. She is only 4 though and because of the pandemic, she has only had 2 friends over.

Space, money and things don't make a house a welcoming home.

[Anonymous]

Ack! This thread is making me feel guilty. My daughter loves having her friends over, but our house is on the smaller side and they take up a lot of SPACE. I admit having them over makes me anxious. I basically hide in my room. I wish my house was bigger! I’m really going to try to be more relaxed & welcoming like the PP’s suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ack! This thread is making me feel guilty. My daughter loves having her friends over, but our house is on the smaller side and they take up a lot of SPACE. I admit having them over makes me anxious. I basically hide in my room. I wish my house was bigger! I’m really going to try to be more relaxed & welcoming like the PP’s suggestion.

Sending hugs. Been there and done that with a 1,300 square foot house. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is one of those things like how do you get a good sleeper that is actually not predictable but people who have been successful like to think it’s due to what they did.

This is NOTHING like that... that's a ridiculous analogy.

This is something you need to cultivate and put effort into.

There's a difference between a parent that's open & welcoming and a parent with such severe anxiety that they freak out at the the THOUGHT of someone coming over, forget about if their kid actually asks.

There's a difference between a parent who is genuine and warm, and one who can barely stand the thought of kids being in their home.

There's a difference between a parent giving kids the respect of personal space and one who hovers over them listening in to all conversations.

There's a difference between a parent who has a genuine care for those who enter their home, and one who can barely feign their ambivalence
& resting b-i-t-c-h face when anyone comes over.

There's a difference between a parent who is easy going and doesnt sweat the small stuff, and a parent who looms about and watched like a hawk to make sure the ottoman isn't moved over an inch, or the vacuum lines aren't ruined.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the fact that you didn't know any of this and think it's all left up to chance; tells me that you're most definitely the latter parent in every single one of these scenarios.

Oh FFS get over yourself before you sprain something patting yourself on the back

Yes there are parents who are unwelcoming but there are many more parents who have snacks and know how to give kids their space etc and the reason one house becomes more of a hangout has much more to do with things like the internal group dynamics, neighborhood geography etc than your skill as a shopper or listener.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is one of those things like how do you get a good sleeper that is actually not predictable but people who have been successful like to think it’s due to what they did.

This is NOTHING like that... that's a ridiculous analogy.

This is something you need to cultivate and put effort into.

There's a difference between a parent that's open & welcoming and a parent with such severe anxiety that they freak out at the the THOUGHT of someone coming over, forget about if their kid actually asks.

There's a difference between a parent who is genuine and warm, and one who can barely stand the thought of kids being in their home.

There's a difference between a parent giving kids the respect of personal space and one who hovers over them listening in to all conversations.

There's a difference between a parent who has a genuine care for those who enter their home, and one who can barely feign their ambivalence
& resting b-i-t-c-h face when anyone comes over.

There's a difference between a parent who is easy going and doesnt sweat the small stuff, and a parent who looms about and watched like a hawk to make sure the ottoman isn't moved over an inch, or the vacuum lines aren't ruined.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the fact that you didn't know any of this and think it's all left up to chance; tells me that you're most definitely the latter parent in every single one of these scenarios.

You are so wrong. I’m a relaxed parent, and would be happy to have kids in my house while I read upstairs and let them snack and hang. My kids are both very popular and social. But they don’t like other kids in their space, and they like to be able to leave and go home when they are done socializing instead of having to kick kids out. It’s really a lot to do with the personality of your kids.

Obviously you haven’t learned the most important of parenting, which is first and foremost that you are not in control of everything.

This. I have snacks and fun things and space. But my kids say they like going to friends’ houses for various reasons. One who is kind of an introvert would rather go to a friends house so he can leave when he wants to. One just says she likes being able to hang out somewhere other than home since she spends a lot of time at home when not with friends, One has a best friend who really wants everyone to hang at his house, so their group of friends go there because my kid doesn’t care. It’s about the kids preferences, not what I’m doing right or wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are little, but I want to plant the seeds of the desire to be at our house now. How did you become the house the kids want to be at?

We allow ourselves to be inconvenienced and be flexible. Too many kids. Last minute. Tolerate reasonable messes. Don't get in a tizzy for every small thing. Obv all within reason. For kids with parents who worked a lot or whatever, I would pick them up (if close).

We always have snack and, when they were younger, things for them to do: movies, crafts, trampoline, swingset.

I don't always want it but I allow it b/c I like having them here. And i like that my kid likes having them here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
- I rarely if ever say no even if they ask at the last minute. I pretty much always say yes unless we have a prior commitment to not be home. Even if my adult friend was coming over, I still let the kids invite their friends.
- I don't clean the house because they're coming over. This signals to my kids that asking me if friends can come over is an "easy ask" and not a big deal that means more work for me. Of course, it is more work for me, but I don't want them to make this part of their calculation when deciding whether to invite friends over.
- I purposely bought furniture that can take a beating, but it is still stylish and looks appealing. (Leather couches, furry but washable rugs that kids can sleep on.) So I never have to cringe or hold my breath when they flop themselves on the chair or put crap on the coffee table or whatever. People pick up on this, kids or adults.
- We have friendly dogs that like to cuddle with visitors. Their toys are usually all over the house, as is their fur. So it's clearly just fine to make yourself at home here without feeling like everything is too perfect to relax.
- I always make them pancakes or something "special" if there is a sleepover. This helps them to see that I actually welcome having them there and it's not just something I tolerate.
- I let them eat pizza for dinner even if it means I have to make myself a real meal.
- I don't ask questions like, "How is school going?" Instead, I ask if they've got any pictures on their phone from the trip their family took last month. Or I'll ask if the water was cold at the beach they went to. Something specific that is easy to start a conversation with, and that also shows I paid attention to things they told me the last time I saw them.
- If my kid does something that breaks a rule or pisses me off while they're here, I point it out and say out loud that we'll have to figure out a consequence later but I don't make everyone present witness the whole scene. As a kid I had a friend whose mom would discipline her in front of me and it was horrible, so I don't ever want to be like that.
- I have a lot of tools for things like fixing bikes and skateboards, and I let them use them.
- I regularly have my kids invite their friends along for things that we do outside of the house, including things like weekend trips. This promotes the idea that it's normal for their friends to do things with our family.

Yes, to all of this. Esp. the bolded. And then giving them some space, as well.

[Anonymous]

10 yo son has his BFF over for playdates and sleepovers all the time. She lives across the street from us and while he does go over to her house too she's more often at our house. We do all the things others have mentioned like stocking up on their favorite snacks, ordering pizza and giving them space to hang out in the den whether they're playing video games, watching movies, wrestling or telling each other scary stories.

I think one thing that gives our house the edge is our son's telescope. He and Larla are both keen skygazers and when she comes to sleepover they often have a skygaze pajama party. They just stay out in the garden in their PJs for hours just looking at the stars through his telescope before eventually going to sleep. Incorporating hobbies is a nice additional touch in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

It’s not about the parents or the home, it’s about the kids.

If your kids love having people over parents can encourage that by being chill, nice, providing snacks etc so that it is a welcoming place to hang out

[Anonymous]

It's about freedom and flexibility for sure. Kids never came to my house growing up because my mom is a control freak who made us seek approval for every little thing. Now we have kids in our house ALL THE TIME. They don't knock and don't ask to come over, they just do. They break all of our stuff (it's almost all boys in our neighborhood), eat all our food, and make a disaster of the house. You have to be accepting of those inconveniences. I know when I buy a new pool toy or basketball it won't last a week. It's part of the deal. DH is better at not worrying about the mess. Sometimes I have to hide in my room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FFS, don't give them alcohol to make yours the hang out house. And don't convince yourself that it's okay to do so because you're "supervising" or some other such nonsense.

Snacks, yes, in abundance. Alcohol and other drugs, hell no.

I don’t believe anyone was suggesting this.

No, but it's clear from many of the comments about snacks and playing that many of you responding have young kids. As the kids get older, the requirements change--a lot. We stopped being the hang out house because of our zero tolerance policy, even though our house is large with private kids space. The problem? We did not allow alcohol and for large gatherings did not allow backpacks and bags to go downstairs, etc. We caught many, many kids sneaking alcohol and more in to gatherings. It's shocking.

I'm the PP who originally mentioned not providing alcohol: no one said they did this, but multiple posters referenced lack of parental supervision as the reason a given house became the "hang out house" for teens, with no seeming concern about that. Hence, my post.

I'm not at all shocked that kids drink that much and that they attempt to do so on the sly. The really shocking thing is how many parents allow it to happen, either by supplying it or willfully turning a blind eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is one of those things like how do you get a good sleeper that is actually not predictable but people who have been successful like to think it’s due to what they did.

This is NOTHING like that... that's a ridiculous analogy.

This is something you need to cultivate and put effort into.

There's a difference between a parent that's open & welcoming and a parent with such severe anxiety that they freak out at the the THOUGHT of someone coming over, forget about if their kid actually asks.

There's a difference between a parent who is genuine and warm, and one who can barely stand the thought of kids being in their home.

There's a difference between a parent giving kids the respect of personal space and one who hovers over them listening in to all conversations.

There's a difference between a parent who has a genuine care for those who enter their home, and one who can barely feign their ambivalence
& resting b-i-t-c-h face when anyone comes over.

There's a difference between a parent who is easy going and doesnt sweat the small stuff, and a parent who looms about and watched like a hawk to make sure the ottoman isn't moved over an inch, or the vacuum lines aren't ruined.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the fact that you didn't know any of this and think it's all left up to chance; tells me that you're most definitely the latter parent in every single one of these scenarios.

You are so wrong. I’m a relaxed parent, and would be happy to have kids in my house while I read upstairs and let them snack and hang.
My kids are both very popular and social. But they don’t like other kids in their space, and they like to be able to leave and go home when they are done socializing instead of having to kick kids out. It’s really a lot to do with the personality of your kids.

Obviously you haven’t learned the most important of parenting, which is first and foremost that you are not in control of everything.

So in a nutshell, your kids like to hang out, eat and chill at other kids houses, but they never reciprocate because they don't want anyone in their "space". Got it.

I don't think you can speak about what goes on in other homes, because your kids are the exception, not the rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a good cook and baker, so always something good to eat. Homemade made a big difference, as the other parents were buying the food. Mine was different and the kids liked the smell of cookies and pies baking and the aroma of the food cooking. They always commented on it. There was a lot of music playing and a lot of laughter in my house.

Can we come over?!? 😁
We'll bring the music and laughter, you just bake.
Anyone want to carpool? lol

[Anonymous]

My sister's house was always the hangout. Nothing big or fancy, but laid back and everyone was always welcome.

Her kids are grown and out of the house now, but when everyone's home for the holidays, the friends all still show up. It's really sweet.