Parent Guilty Tripping After Moving Into Assisted Living

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speak to her emotions--kinda like dealing with a toddler. "You are very frustrated right now" "You are unhappy being here" "It must be scary to get older and lose your independence"

Wow! I am not an elderly person and I feel like smacking you on your face after reading your face. You are obnoxious AF.

I'm dealing with my Mom and this totally works. She just wants to be heard. And she has no where to go once I acknowledge her feelings or agree with her. Trying to convince her or use logic doesn't work. Expressing the emotions behind the statements does.

I have a job where a lot of what I do is deliver bad news to people and tell them cant do what they want me to do. I'd attribute about eighty percent of my success to just listening to people and validating that they are right to be frustrated. These are highly paid executives. Really wanting to feel heard and validated is a pretty basic human need!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speak to her emotions--kinda like dealing with a toddler. "You are very frustrated right now" "You are unhappy being here" "It must be scary to get older and lose your independence"

Wow! I am not an elderly person and I feel like smacking you on your face after reading your face. You are obnoxious AF.

I'm dealing with my Mom and this totally works. She just wants to be heard. And she has no where to go once I acknowledge her feelings or agree with her. Trying to convince her or use logic doesn't work. Expressing the emotions behind the statements does.

I have a job where a lot of what I do is deliver bad news to people and tell them cant do what they want me to do. I'd attribute about eighty percent of my success to just listening to people and validating that they are right to be frustrated. These are highly paid executives. Really wanting to feel heard and validated is a pretty basic human need!

What phrases would you use, PP? I am interested to hear some professional stock phrases - may come in handy!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for your suggestions and kind words. To be clear, our entire family is devastated by this. Mom is only in her 70s so we thought we would have at least another decade before we would be at this point. She had, however, become completely unable to leave the house, and was becoming increasingly anxious and agoraphobic, so I don't think we had a choice in moving her.

Her daily life does seem improved as she goes to some activities, can participate in exercise classes, and can socialize more. She is completely deconditioned so we are starting at a very low level. I hope she will adjust in the coming months, but realistically I think she is likely to remain bitter and accusatory toward me and my sibling. I hope the concerned detachment people have mentioned will help me with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come here for your dose of support and congratulations on your hard work, OP.

Like toddlers, old parents cannot be grateful for all you do for them. Unlike toddlers, there is no future time when the relationship will improve. And that's FINE. For people whose parents were loving and caring, it's just the repayment of a debt. But this doesn't mean you have to take the abuse!!! My FIL was bipolar and prone to anger for years before his diagnosis and treatment, and my husband had no deep love for him. But my husband and his siblings took care of his material needs at the end of his life, and separated those from the emotional needs that they could not fulfill.

You can do the same for your mother. My husband is a doctor, and he told me once that he disengaged by thinking of his father (and my own mother, who is a handful too!) as mentally ill patients with whom he has to be professionally courteous but emotionally distant.

I think it is weird and kind of cold that your husband can do this. But at least you now what he will do to you if he perceives you as "hard to manage" in old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Come here for your dose of support and congratulations on your hard work, OP.

Like toddlers, old parents cannot be grateful for all you do for them. Unlike toddlers, there is no future time when the relationship will improve. And that's FINE. For people whose parents were loving and caring, it's just the repayment of a debt. But this doesn't mean you have to take the abuse!!! My FIL was bipolar and prone to anger for years before his diagnosis and treatment, and my husband had no deep love for him. But my husband and his siblings took care of his material needs at the end of his life, and separated those from the emotional needs that they could not fulfill.

You can do the same for your mother. My husband is a doctor, and he told me once that he disengaged by thinking of his father (and my own mother, who is a handful too!) as mentally ill patients with whom he has to be professionally courteous but emotionally distant.

I think it is weird and kind of cold that your husband can do this. But at least you now what he will do to you if he perceives you as "hard to manage" in old age.

Eh my dad did everything for my mom who had dementia. It was great until he died (likely in part because he was taking care of her) and then she had to deal with the shock of losing her husband and the shock of getting new caregivers. it would have been better for her to have already been in assisted living. Just being a martyr is not always that helpful in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

I hope one day one of your parents with dementia sets your house on fire. Better yet, I hope you are wrongfully sued for elder abuse when a parent takes a fall in your home and they believe you were not watching the parent properly.

Both of my parents have dementia, actually, so I know what I am talking about. Thanks. Appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

I hope one day one of your parents with dementia sets your house on fire. Better yet, I hope you are wrongfully sued for elder abuse when a parent takes a fall in your home and they believe you were not watching the parent properly.

Both of my parents have dementia, actually, so I know what I am talking about. Thanks. Appreciate it.

Also, to be clear, I wasn’t saying op needed to keep sacrificing her life by having her mom at home. It’s a balance. Even if it makes the older persons life a little worse to go to assisted living, some may decide that’s worth it to make their own lives and their kids lives better, and that’s ok. But this idea that assisted living is this magical, better choice that is better for old people....that’s just not true most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

The OP literally stated that her mobility has improved since the move. So yes, her quality of life has improved.

^^Mobility is not the only factor in quality of life.

These assisted living facilities are not regulated well and they get away with a lot b/c of it. Living there 24/7 is a different story that getting marketing pitch during your onsite visit. You need to understand the quality of the staff and their education and training. Most of these place are understaffed and they have high attrition. They are also FOR PROFIT and they routinely cut corners to make the numbers look good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speak to her emotions--kinda like dealing with a toddler. "You are very frustrated right now" "You are unhappy being here" "It must be scary to get older and lose your independence"

You can't be serious? Just wait until it's your turn and someone says this crap to you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

The OP literally stated that her mobility has improved since the move. So yes, her quality of life has improved.

^^Mobility is not the only factor in quality of life.

These assisted living facilities are not regulated well and they get away with a lot b/c of it. Living there 24/7 is a different story that getting marketing pitch during your onsite visit. You need to understand the quality of the staff and their education and training. Most of these place are understaffed and they have high attrition. They are also FOR PROFIT and they routinely cut corners to make the numbers look good.

The individuals you pay to provide help to an elderly person at home are also working for money and often aren't regulated at all. They have incentives to cut corners too. Really there are often no good options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

The OP literally stated that her mobility has improved since the move. So yes, her quality of life has improved.

^^Mobility is not the only factor in quality of life.

These assisted living facilities are not regulated well and they get away with a lot b/c of it. Living there 24/7 is a different story that getting marketing pitch during your onsite visit. You need to understand the quality of the staff and their education and training. Most of these place are understaffed and they have high attrition. They are also FOR PROFIT and they routinely cut corners to make the numbers look good.

The individuals you pay to provide help to an elderly person at home are also working for money and often aren't regulated at all. They have incentives to cut corners too. Really there are often no good options.

In-home care assistance is much easier to oversee since it's typically only 1-2 individuals. Assisted living facilities have very large staff and it is very difficult to ensure quality of every member. These facilities are also not staffed with professionals--that is the biggest issue. There may be few individuals on staff that are registered nurses but most are CNAs. You also have kitchen staff, front desk, and maintenance--most are hourly employees with no training or significant experience. The pay at these places is very low and there is very little ability to attract trained professionals. Consistent quality of care is very hard to regulate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

The OP literally stated that her mobility has improved since the move. So yes, her quality of life has improved.

^^Mobility is not the only factor in quality of life.

These assisted living facilities are not regulated well and they get away with a lot b/c of it. Living there 24/7 is a different story that getting marketing pitch during your onsite visit. You need to understand the quality of the staff and their education and training. Most of these place are understaffed and they have high attrition. They are also FOR PROFIT and they routinely cut corners to make the numbers look good.

The individuals you pay to provide help to an elderly person at home are also working for money and often aren't regulated at all. They have incentives to cut corners too. Really there are often no good options.

In-home care assistance is much easier to oversee since it's typically only 1-2 individuals. Assisted living facilities have very large staff and it is very difficult to ensure quality of every member. These facilities are also not staffed with professionals--that is the biggest issue. There may be few individuals on staff that are registered nurses but most are CNAs. You also have kitchen staff, front desk, and maintenance--most are hourly employees with no training or significant experience. The pay at these places is very low and there is very little ability to attract trained professionals. Consistent quality of care is very hard to regulate.

I don't disagree with you about the problems with assisted living. But if you don't live with your parent or regularly visit them, how is it easier to oversee in-home assistance? Also, what if your regular caregiver is sick and you have an agency send a sub, how are you going to verify that person is providing even a basic level of care or has any patience for your parent? My mom with Alzheimer's used to live in an apartment building with a doorman -- that person didn't have any special training. Why is it worse if the front desk attendant at her assisted living place doesn't have special training?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

The OP literally stated that her mobility has improved since the move. So yes, her quality of life has improved.

^^Mobility is not the only factor in quality of life.

These assisted living facilities are not regulated well and they get away with a lot b/c of it. Living there 24/7 is a different story that getting marketing pitch during your onsite visit. You need to understand the quality of the staff and their education and training. Most of these place are understaffed and they have high attrition. They are also FOR PROFIT and they routinely cut corners to make the numbers look good.

The individuals you pay to provide help to an elderly person at home are also working for money and often aren't regulated at all. They have incentives to cut corners too. Really there are often no good options.

In-home care assistance is much easier to oversee since it's typically only 1-2 individuals. Assisted living facilities have very large staff and it is very difficult to ensure quality of every member. These facilities are also not staffed with professionals--that is the biggest issue. There may be few individuals on staff that are registered nurses but most are CNAs. You also have kitchen staff, front desk, and maintenance--most are hourly employees with no training or significant experience. The pay at these places is very low and there is very little ability to attract trained professionals. Consistent quality of care is very hard to regulate.

I don't disagree with you about the problems with assisted living. But if you don't live with your parent or regularly visit them, how is it easier to oversee in-home assistance? Also, what if your regular caregiver is sick and you have an agency send a sub, how are you going to verify that person is providing even a basic level of care or has any patience for your parent? My mom with Alzheimer's used to live in an apartment building with a doorman -- that person didn't have any special training. Why is it worse if the front desk attendant at her assisted living place doesn't have special training?

My point is that your loved one will come I contact with many more people in an assisted living facility. That's more opportunity for your loved one to have a bad interaction. That could be missed or late meds, theft, physical abuse, verbal abuse, intimidation, and neglect just to name a few.

I truly wish it was better but until there is better regulation of these facilities, they are just not ideal for someone you love. I wish they lived up to their promises but sadly most do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

The OP literally stated that her mobility has improved since the move. So yes, her quality of life has improved.

^^Mobility is not the only factor in quality of life.

These assisted living facilities are not regulated well and they get away with a lot b/c of it. Living there 24/7 is a different story that getting marketing pitch during your onsite visit. You need to understand the quality of the staff and their education and training. Most of these place are understaffed and they have high attrition. They are also FOR PROFIT and they routinely cut corners to make the numbers look good.

The individuals you pay to provide help to an elderly person at home are also working for money and often aren't regulated at all. They have incentives to cut corners too. Really there are often no good options.

In-home care assistance is much easier to oversee since it's typically only 1-2 individuals. Assisted living facilities have very large staff and it is very difficult to ensure quality of every member. These facilities are also not staffed with professionals--that is the biggest issue. There may be few individuals on staff that are registered nurses but most are CNAs. You also have kitchen staff, front desk, and maintenance--most are hourly employees with no training or significant experience. The pay at these places is very low and there is very little ability to attract trained professionals. Consistent quality of care is very hard to regulate.

I don't disagree with you about the problems with assisted living. But if you don't live with your parent or regularly visit them, how is it easier to oversee in-home assistance? Also, what if your regular caregiver is sick and you have an agency send a sub, how are you going to verify that person is providing even a basic level of care or has any patience for your parent? My mom with Alzheimer's used to live in an apartment building with a doorman -- that person didn't have any special training. Why is it worse if the front desk attendant at her assisted living place doesn't have special training?

My point is that your loved one will come I contact with many more people in an assisted living facility. That's more opportunity for your loved one to have a bad interaction. That could be missed or late meds, theft, physical abuse, verbal abuse, intimidation, and neglect just to name a few.

I truly wish it was better but until there is better regulation of these facilities, they are just not ideal for someone you love. I wish they lived up to their promises but sadly most do not.

I guess I would respond that home care has more concentrated risks because there is only one person there with your parent at a time and likely there are still multiple aides (we had 3 working 24/7 shifts). We hired people who we trusted but really there was no way for us to know what was going on and no witnesses if anything went wrong and no backup for the aides if my mom was driving them crazy and they just needed a ten minute break. When one aide unexpectedly quit, we had to scramble to find another and it was not a good fit. it is still not clear what happened when she was alone with my mom. if you have a bad aide, they could be alone with your parent for days before you realize what is going on. And home aides steal too and often have more opportunities to do so given that there are in a house, which often has both valuables and financial documents. There is nothing to steal in my mom's assisted living room. Meds can be missed by home aides too, my guess is that it is more likely since it is just one person you are depending on and they have other things to do. heck, I forget to take my own medicines sometimes. I agree that ALFs are not well regulated, but home care is essentially unregulated if you arrange it yourself and you don't live nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

The OP literally stated that her mobility has improved since the move. So yes, her quality of life has improved.

^^Mobility is not the only factor in quality of life.

These assisted living facilities are not regulated well and they get away with a lot b/c of it. Living there 24/7 is a different story that getting marketing pitch during your onsite visit. You need to understand the quality of the staff and their education and training. Most of these place are understaffed and they have high attrition. They are also FOR PROFIT and they routinely cut corners to make the numbers look good.

The individuals you pay to provide help to an elderly person at home are also working for money and often aren't regulated at all. They have incentives to cut corners too. Really there are often no good options.

In-home care assistance is much easier to oversee since it's typically only 1-2 individuals. Assisted living facilities have very large staff and it is very difficult to ensure quality of every member. These facilities are also not staffed with professionals--that is the biggest issue. There may be few individuals on staff that are registered nurses but most are CNAs. You also have kitchen staff, front desk, and maintenance--most are hourly employees with no training or significant experience. The pay at these places is very low and there is very little ability to attract trained professionals. Consistent quality of care is very hard to regulate.

I don't disagree with you about the problems with assisted living. But if you don't live with your parent or regularly visit them, how is it easier to oversee in-home assistance? Also, what if your regular caregiver is sick and you have an agency send a sub, how are you going to verify that person is providing even a basic level of care or has any patience for your parent? My mom with Alzheimer's used to live in an apartment building with a doorman -- that person didn't have any special training. Why is it worse if the front desk attendant at her assisted living place doesn't have special training?

My point is that your loved one will come I contact with many more people in an assisted living facility. That's more opportunity for your loved one to have a bad interaction. That could be missed or late meds, theft, physical abuse, verbal abuse, intimidation, and neglect just to name a few.

I truly wish it was better but until there is better regulation of these facilities, they are just not ideal for someone you love. I wish they lived up to their promises but sadly most do not.

I guess I would respond that home care has more concentrated risks because there is only one person there with your parent at a time and likely there are still multiple aides (we had 3 working 24/7 shifts). We hired people who we trusted but really there was no way for us to know what was going on and no witnesses if anything went wrong and no backup for the aides if my mom was driving them crazy and they just needed a ten minute break. When one aide unexpectedly quit, we had to scramble to find another and it was not a good fit. it is still not clear what happened when she was alone with my mom. if you have a bad aide, they could be alone with your parent for days before you realize what is going on. And home aides steal too and often have more opportunities to do so given that there are in a house, which often has both valuables and financial documents. There is nothing to steal in my mom's assisted living room. Meds can be missed by home aides too, my guess is that it is more likely since it is just one person you are depending on and they have other things to do. heck, I forget to take my own medicines sometimes. I agree that ALFs are not well regulated, but home care is essentially unregulated if you arrange it yourself and you don't live nearby.

Yes, I agree--if you aren't local both can be problematic. There are not many great options.