Parent Guilty Tripping After Moving Into Assisted Living

[Anonymous]

My mother moved into assisted living this Summer after a period of almost two years of declining health and most importantly decreased mobility. Since the Spring, especially, she was unable to leave her in-law apartment in our house due a combination of physical weakness and anxiety. We tried PT, OT, and even counseling, none of which really worked, and everyone recommended to us that she be moved. We also had a full time caregiver for her in our house. This was a lot of traffic, especially during COVID, and it became another stressor. Her mobility was so limited that she was suffering from edema, and I was increasingly concerned she was going to end up with a blood clot.

We found a wonderful, new assisted living for my mother, and her mobility has improved markedly in an accessible environment. She is also able to socialize and receive the assistance she needs, including medical care at the facility which was challenging for us to get her out of the house for. All of this required significant legwork by us, as she was not set up at all financially for this possibility, and we have visited her regularly since she moved. She does not, however, see this as an improvement, and during all of our interactions she has been belittling and accusatory, and she accuses me of throwing her out of my house. I understand this type of move is distressing, but I also don't feel like I need to expose myself to mistreatment, especially since I feel burned out from trying to care for her all these months which stressed my ability to work, care for my DCs and my marriage. Just wondering if others have experienced this and if they have any advice. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

BTDT. The next phase of the program is when she decides she hates the facility she's in (bad food, bad service, whatever) and starts agitating for you to move her to a different facility that she insists is better. Obviously, don't fall for that, because she'd just be "happy" for a month or two and then the complaints would start up again.

[Anonymous]

Also BTDT. All I can say is that i feel your pain. My mother absolutely could not stay at home and I still have guilt about moving her. Parents are very powerful. Don't be like me. Try to be secure in the knowledge that you've done what is necessary and she needs a "bad guy" on whom she can blame her current situation.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP.

IMO you are doing an amazing job. Your first priority is to keep your Mom safe, and that was no longer possible in your house. She is improving where she is - so clearly you made the right call.

I'm very sorry she can't see/feel that for herself but it seems crystal clear from my perspective and I hope you can get reinforcement for that from others. If you can find some support (caseworker at the facility, therapist, EAP services, friends who have BTDT, etc... it would be great!)

[Anonymous]

She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

Lots of typos

Better for the younger generation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

The OP literally stated that her mobility has improved since the move. So yes, her quality of life has improved.

[Anonymous]

This is a very difficult. I am a senior and I see it happening all around me. People don’t see themselves as getting old. Their biggest fear is loosing independence. I hope I listen to my kids when my time comes but my biggest fear is I will be forgotten. Warehoused!

The point is….assure you Mom that you, her grandkids and family support her. Use humor to deal with what she is adjusting to.

I think your guilt comes from…..she did all this for you and you know it. Life goes like this….Twice a child, once an adult. You were a child and she was the adult….now it’s time to flip that around.

Show her that she raised good kids. She is going through a phase like you did when you were teething, or a teenager, you get it. Even if you have to fake caring. You kids are watching and guess what happens in the blink of an eye?

[Anonymous]

I so relate OP. I had to get therapy to learn to detach. My mother sucked me dry of every ounce of empathy I had and EVERY thing I did for her got erased. I did in my health and sanity helping her and was guilt tripped to the point I was enraged. She even called ME selfish. That was it. I now see her as a pathetic self centered person who I realize has always been a narcissist. I do what I can while maintain my sanity. When she complains I change the subject or leave. I have nothing left for her and she will never get it because she didn't do much for her own parents (though she rewrote history on that one).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother moved into assisted living this Summer after a period of almost two years of declining health and most importantly decreased mobility. Since the Spring, especially, she was unable to leave her in-law apartment in our house due a combination of physical weakness and anxiety. We tried PT, OT, and even counseling, none of which really worked, and everyone recommended to us that she be moved. We also had a full time caregiver for her in our house. This was a lot of traffic, especially during COVID, and it became another stressor. Her mobility was so limited that she was suffering from edema, and I was increasingly concerned she was going to end up with a blood clot.

We found a wonderful, new assisted living for my mother, and her mobility has improved markedly in an accessible environment. She is also able to socialize and receive the assistance she needs, including medical care at the facility which was challenging for us to get her out of the house for. All of this required significant legwork by us, as she was not set up at all financially for this possibility, and we have visited her regularly since she moved. She does not, however, see this as an improvement, and during all of our interactions she has been belittling and accusatory, and she accuses me of throwing her out of my house. I understand this type of move is distressing, but I also don't feel like I need to expose myself to mistreatment, especially since I feel burned out from trying to care for her all these months which stressed my ability to work, care for my DCs and my marriage. Just wondering if others have experienced this and if they have any advice. Thanks!

I haven't (yet). But my advice to you is not to visit your mother. If you choose to, leave at the first sign of belittling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

I hope one day one of your parents with dementia sets your house on fire. Better yet, I hope you are wrongfully sued for elder abuse when a parent takes a fall in your home and they believe you were not watching the parent properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother moved into assisted living this Summer after a period of almost two years of declining health and most importantly decreased mobility. Since the Spring, especially, she was unable to leave her in-law apartment in our house due a combination of physical weakness and anxiety. We tried PT, OT, and even counseling, none of which really worked, and everyone recommended to us that she be moved. We also had a full time caregiver for her in our house. This was a lot of traffic, especially during COVID, and it became another stressor. Her mobility was so limited that she was suffering from edema, and I was increasingly concerned she was going to end up with a blood clot.

We found a wonderful, new assisted living for my mother, and her mobility has improved markedly in an accessible environment. She is also able to socialize and receive the assistance she needs, including medical care at the facility which was challenging for us to get her out of the house for. All of this required significant legwork by us, as she was not set up at all financially for this possibility, and we have visited her regularly since she moved. She does not, however, see this as an improvement, and during all of our interactions she has been belittling and accusatory, and she accuses me of throwing her out of my house. I understand this type of move is distressing, but I also don't feel like I need to expose myself to mistreatment, especially since I feel burned out from trying to care for her all these months which stressed my ability to work, care for my DCs and my marriage. Just wondering if others have experienced this and if they have any advice. Thanks!

I haven't (yet). But my advice to you is not to visit your mother. If you choose to, leave at the first sign of belittling.

I will just say that with parents with dementia you can't really use the parenting technique of natural consequences, because ppl can't learn from mistakes if they don't remember them!! That doesn't mean you have to take abuse - just don't expect leaving at the first sign of abuse to make your mom change her behavior. OP, you did what was sustainable for your family and your sanity. That is all you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I haven't (yet). But my advice to you is not to visit your mother. If you choose to, leave at the first sign of belittling.

I will just say that with parents with dementia you can't really use the parenting technique of natural consequences, because ppl can't learn from mistakes if they don't remember them!! That doesn't mean you have to take abuse - just don't expect leaving at the first sign of abuse to make your mom change her behavior. OP, you did what was sustainable for your family and your sanity. That is all you can do.

NP, and yes. She's going to be how she's going to be, and all you can do is look out for her interests and your own. Put on your own oxygen mask first; sitting around being abused isn't helping anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

This is all untrue and probably somebody that can't afford the best care for their parent.

[Anonymous]

Parents become teenagers. They are selfish, self absorbed and lack the knowledge necessary to navigate a world that has passed them by.

It's hard to ignore the negativity but this is best, just like a teen does not know what is best for them.