Parent Guilty Tripping After Moving Into Assisted Living

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

Absolutely! Those places are horrible.

[Anonymous]

Speak to her emotions--kinda like dealing with a toddler. "You are very frustrated right now" "You are unhappy being here" "It must be scary to get older and lose your independence"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself telling yourself that.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than assisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

+1

I have been lucky that I did not have to provide elder care for parents or ILs as they are in another country. The truth is that elderly are happier in their own homes. Children do not want to provide care because it is tough and so they delude themselves that assisted living is better.

However, assisted living is probably better for the parents of those children who think assisted living is better. Elder abuse by adult children is a real thing.

DH and I have been Swedish Death Cleansing (we are in our 50s) now because we would like to age in place in our SFH. Still, man proposes and God disposes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speak to her emotions--kinda like dealing with a toddler. "You are very frustrated right now" "You are unhappy being here" "It must be scary to get older and lose your independence"

Wow! I am not an elderly person and I feel like smacking you on your face after reading your face. You are obnoxious AF.

[Anonymous]

Come here for your dose of support and congratulations on your hard work, OP.

Like toddlers, old parents cannot be grateful for all you do for them. Unlike toddlers, there is no future time when the relationship will improve. And that's FINE. For people whose parents were loving and caring, it's just the repayment of a debt. But this doesn't mean you have to take the abuse!!! My FIL was bipolar and prone to anger for years before his diagnosis and treatment, and my husband had no deep love for him. But my husband and his siblings took care of his material needs at the end of his life, and separated those from the emotional needs that they could not fulfill.

You can do the same for your mother. My husband is a doctor, and he told me once that he disengaged by thinking of his father (and my own mother, who is a handful too!) as mentally ill patients with whom he has to be professionally courteous but emotionally distant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speak to her emotions--kinda like dealing with a toddler. "You are very frustrated right now" "You are unhappy being here" "It must be scary to get older and lose your independence"

Wow! I am not an elderly person and I feel like smacking you on your face after reading your face. You are obnoxious AF.

Different poster here - it's actually a method that works well for most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I so relate OP. I had to get therapy to learn to detach. My mother sucked me dry of every ounce of empathy I had and EVERY thing I did for her got erased. I did in my health and sanity helping her and was guilt tripped to the point I was enraged. She even called ME selfish. That was it. I now see her as a pathetic self centered person who I realize has always been a narcissist. I do what I can while maintain my sanity. When she complains I change the subject or leave. I have nothing left for her and she will never get it because she didn't do much for her own parents (though she rewrote history on that one).

+1

I could have written this exact same post regarding my mom.

[Anonymous]

Is she cognitively intact? If so, I'd just give her a (kind) reality check.

"Look Mom, our home no longer was a suitable environment for you, and I worked really hard to find this lovely place for you. You have to admit, you are really in better shape since getting here, and think of all the friends you've made!"

"It's hurtful to hear you think I just wanted to get rid of you, when I put so much effort into caring for you while you lived with us. I would not have done that if I didn't love you."

"Well, Mom, out home wasn't working for you anymore. You're here [at XYZ Assisted Living] now, so let's focus on how to make the best of it."

[Anonymous]

Op, stop with the guilt and the doubts. You need to make her safe, you do not need and may not be able to make her happy.

A lot of complaints in these types are places are the residents finding something, in common, to talk about. And complaining makes them feel empowered.

[Anonymous]

^ from a 60+ yr old. Spouse & I have had 4 parents pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I so relate OP. I had to get therapy to learn to detach. My mother sucked me dry of every ounce of empathy I had and EVERY thing I did for her got erased. I did in my health and sanity helping her and was guilt tripped to the point I was enraged. She even called ME selfish. That was it. I now see her as a pathetic self centered person who I realize has always been a narcissist. I do what I can while maintain my sanity. When she complains I change the subject or leave. I have nothing left for her and she will never get it because she didn't do much for her own parents (though she rewrote history on that one).

+1

I could have written this exact same post regarding my mom.

Same here. My mom hates where she lives - and she's in independent living. When I see her now, she sees every opportunity to pick a fight, belittle me or say something hateful. She tells me how much she hates her life. She can seem to find no joy.

People who try to make you feel guilty should count themselves lucky not to have a parent like this. I think my mom has always had an undiagnosed mental disorder and in her old age, it is really revealing itself.

For me, I have to detach. I will not allow myself to take her verbal abuse. It's sad because she could choose happiness but she'd rather wallow in self pity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

Absolutely! Those places are horrible.

Honestly the mentally healthy grandma, great aunts, etc who have a pleasant disposition did great in assisted living and even memory care. The miserable angry ones didn't, but they didn't do well anywhere. At home they had a revolving door of caregivers and many falls because some homes just cannot be totally elderproofed.

OP you may want to work with the team on proper mental health care for her as well. My miserable guilt tripping grandma coped much better on the right meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

This is all untrue and probably somebody that can't afford the best care for their parent.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speak to her emotions--kinda like dealing with a toddler. "You are very frustrated right now" "You are unhappy being here" "It must be scary to get older and lose your independence"

Wow! I am not an elderly person and I feel like smacking you on your face after reading your face. You are obnoxious AF.

I'm dealing with my Mom and this totally works. She just wants to be heard. And she has no where to go once I acknowledge her feelings or agree with her. Trying to convince her or use logic doesn't work. Expressing the emotions behind the statements does.

[Anonymous]

NO ONE wants to move into (any version of) a nursing home. They are all depressing, and your parent's last stop before death (which they know).

So don't expect her to be happy or express gratitude.

You are doing the right thing, but she is facing a very difficult life passage, and you should be there for her (as you have been). She can't be the model mom right now.

My brother was just like you. Told us that we were "enabling" our mom by trying to keep her at home (which was her wish). NOW, his wife has dementia, and he will do anything to keep her home rather than in a care facility.