Parent Guilty Tripping After Moving Into Assisted Living

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself telling yourself that.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than assisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

+1

I have been lucky that I did not have to provide elder care for parents or ILs as they are in another country. The truth is that elderly are happier in their own homes. Children do not want to provide care because it is tough and so they delude themselves that assisted living is better.

However, assisted living is probably better for the parents of those children who think assisted living is better. Elder abuse by adult children is a real thing.

DH and I have been Swedish Death Cleansing (we are in our 50s) now because we would like to age in place in our SFH. Still, man proposes and God disposes.

OMG, the know it all who admits she did not do it for her own family is here to tell us they elderly belong in their own homes. There is a special place in hell for people who give advice and are so condescending toward to the people making these tough decisions.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been Swedish Death Cleansing

Wut?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speak to her emotions--kinda like dealing with a toddler. "You are very frustrated right now" "You are unhappy being here" "It must be scary to get older and lose your independence"

You are my worst nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s right. You made her move out of your house.

It’s a marketing myth that assisted living is better than living with family for the old person. It might be better for they get generation, like you, to have her move out. But it’s not better for her, and stop fooling yourself tellnig gourself thwt.

Your house plus caregiver is likely much better for her than asssisted living.

Which is not to say you are obligated to continue living with her. You’re not. At all. But it’s highly unlikely this move was an improvement to her life. She’s the one living there, so she is in the best position to know.

Where are all these round the clock caregivers? Have you tried to hire them lately?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I so relate OP. I had to get therapy to learn to detach. My mother sucked me dry of every ounce of empathy I had and EVERY thing I did for her got erased. I did in my health and sanity helping her and was guilt tripped to the point I was enraged. She even called ME selfish. That was it. I now see her as a pathetic self centered person who I realize has always been a narcissist. I do what I can while maintain my sanity. When she complains I change the subject or leave. I have nothing left for her and she will never get it because she didn't do much for her own parents (though she rewrote history on that one).

+1

I could have written this exact same post regarding my mom.

Same here. My mom hates where she lives - and she's in independent living. When I see her now, she sees every opportunity to pick a fight, belittle me or say something hateful. She tells me how much she hates her life. She can seem to find no joy.

People who try to make you feel guilty should count themselves lucky not to have a parent like this. I think my mom has always had an undiagnosed mental disorder and in her old age, it is really revealing itself.

For me, I have to detach. I will not allow myself to take her verbal abuse. It's sad because she could choose happiness but she'd rather wallow in self pity.

My mother acts like this too. But she lives at home. My father died suddenly a couple years back, so I think she's just stuck in a loop of anger and dissatisfaction. Until she accepts her circumstances, it's just going to be like this.

What gets me is that she seems to have normal conversations with other people. And she dotes on them. For my sister and I all she can find is dissatisfaction, anger and resentment. Nothing we can do about it really. We've both had her come stay with us for months during the pandemic. I even offered for her to move up here and be my neighbor and help take care of her and make her dinner. But she's just stuck in the anger and disappointment. It seems sad and pointless to me, but it's not my life so I can't change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I so relate OP. I had to get therapy to learn to detach. My mother sucked me dry of every ounce of empathy I had and EVERY thing I did for her got erased. I did in my health and sanity helping her and was guilt tripped to the point I was enraged. She even called ME selfish. That was it. I now see her as a pathetic self centered person who I realize has always been a narcissist. I do what I can while maintain my sanity. When she complains I change the subject or leave. I have nothing left for her and she will never get it because she didn't do much for her own parents (though she rewrote history on that one).

+1

I could have written this exact same post regarding my mom.

Same here. My mom hates where she lives - and she's in independent living. When I see her now, she sees every opportunity to pick a fight, belittle me or say something hateful. She tells me how much she hates her life. She can seem to find no joy.

People who try to make you feel guilty should count themselves lucky not to have a parent like this. I think my mom has always had an undiagnosed mental disorder and in her old age, it is really revealing itself.

For me, I have to detach. I will not allow myself to take her verbal abuse. It's sad because she could choose happiness but she'd rather wallow in self pity.

My mother acts like this too. But she lives at home. My father died suddenly a couple years back, so I think she's just stuck in a loop of anger and dissatisfaction. Until she accepts her circumstances, it's just going to be like this.

What gets me is that she seems to have normal conversations with other people. And she dotes on them. For my sister and I all she can find is dissatisfaction, anger and resentment. Nothing we can do about it really. We've both had her come stay with us for months during the pandemic. I even offered for her to move up here and be my neighbor and help take care of her and make her dinner. But she's just stuck in the anger and disappointment. It seems sad and pointless to me, but it's not my life so I can't change it.

Wow I found my people. Mother has been full of vitriol since dad declined and then died. All aimed at me-not at siblings who do not live in area. Very verbally abusive when in a bad mood. Wallows in self-pity despite having kushy life and little empathy for us who are really in the thick of it with the sandwich. Her close friend may occasionally get a glimpse of her crazy, but nothing like what I endure. I have learned to be in her life with boundaries and how to detach and have incredibly low expectations for her behavior. I have gotten better at not getting as upset physically and emotionally when she lashes out. If she would only stay on her psychiatric meds....