Anyone married to an immigrant who prefers his home country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My husband is married to an immigrant who prefers (understatement) her home country of Scotland. I would move back in a heartbeat.

+1. There is nothing about this country that’s better than Scotland in my opinion. I’m American and I’d move there if I could too.

My DD graduated from the University of Edinburg. She also dreams about moving back. Scotland is a magical place.

If you're white. I spent my childhood there. I know.

[Anonymous]

My husband is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thomas Wolfe was right — you can’t go home again.

My entire childhood, my Mother yearned for the town she grew up in. We heard all about what a wonderful, magical place it was. Finally, after I went away to college, my parents moved back there. She hated it. I don’t know if the place had changed, or she had changed and the town hadn’t, but they left after a few years.

If what your husband wants is to return to his childhood, that place isn’t likely to exist anymore. Even if his family is still there, visiting is very different from living with them every day.

However, sometimes it does work out — my DH and I moved to the town he grew up in, and we’ve really enjoyed it, so far. However, we moved here because it happens to be a really nice place that met all our criteria for retirement, and he had zero nostalgia or expectations related to his childhood or family. It’s a fresh start; it just happens to be in a familiar place.

My father wanted to retire in his native country. My mother said no because all the kids were here, and she didn't want to be that far from them.

She said when he goes to visit, he gets the royalty treatment from her family (all of his live in the US), and he socializes a lot, and goes places. Obviously, if he lived there, it wouldn't be the same because he's not just visiting, but living there, and so people will go on with their lives. His life would be the same there as it is here, except for the different language. Plus, as a PP stated, he's been gone for 40+ years. He is used to the life here, but doesn't realize it.

It's like going on some tropical island vacation and thinking that you could retire there because you love it so much. But if you actually lived there, through all the bad weather, etc.. you probably wouldn't feel the same way about it.

IMO, it's just nostalgia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in the US for 15 years now. I'm bilingual, I have an American name. But I grew up in the Middle East. I grew up poor, but went to a good school. I give this for context.

America is a culturally tough place to navigate. For people who come from warmer communities where they have families and neighbors and friends show up almost daily, support them, cook for them when sick, etc. being here is really tough on the psyche. It's also really hard to make friends that see you as a human and not decide to label you as their foreign friend who's an expert on every article you read about that country.

I realized when I felt the most homesick was when I was lacking support and community. It wasn't the country or its politics or its systems that made me miss it, it was the people I knew there, their kindness, having so many people actually drop what they're doing to come help you if need it. It's really hard having to build a community here that mimics that.

Maybe DH is missing community? Maybe you can create one with people that feel like home for him? Visiting often really helps. At first I wouldn't go home for a few years because it was so pricey and I didn't want to ask for a long vacation from work. But as I got older and so did my parents, and I got more secure in my job, I decided work can afford me a 2 week vacation and I can afford tickets back home. Being able to go more regularly has really helped.

Yes, my DH is a non-white immigrant with a thick accent and it’s amazing how many Americans fundamentally don’t understand that he’s a person. They interact with him like they’re poking him with sticks.
To be sure I get this treatment too when we go back to his native country for visits. Just seems like it would get so old but he prefers living here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prefers the home country? PREFERS?

It is not preference. It is a deep ache of missing something that is a part of your history, culture and human connection. This is common to people who go to any other country. You miss the culture and connections of the old country even when you are making connections and soaking in the culture of the new country. A person cannot compartmentalize this. You are human. You feel.

Every country is different. I love a lot of material conveniences and personal freedom in US and would miss it when I go back to my home country. I miss the social, family connections and contact of my home country and it is frightening to me to grow old or poor in this country because no one gives a damn.

I live in a whole lot of comfort in this country. I am also a lot more lonely and anxious in this country.[b]

This is the American way, and why the US is never in the top for "happiest" country.

It's a very consumerist, striver mentality country. S. Korea, my parents home country, is going through the same thing. As they become more prosperous, more "wired", they are becoming less connected to each other as people.

http://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20190403000445

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My husband is married to an immigrant who prefers (understatement) her home country of Scotland. I would move back in a heartbeat.

+1. There is nothing about this country that’s better than Scotland in my opinion. I’m American and I’d move there if I could too.

The weather. I like Scotland but the weather there really sucks.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a European immigrant and my parents are from India, and I completely agree with the person who said that being international makes you realize that there is no perfect country.

My parents were nostalgic about certain things, but always said that the negative things about living in the US were easier to ignore than the negative things about living in India .

I think marrying another immigrant helps -- I never feel guilt that my husband is not living in his "home country" bc we are both sort of misfits here who are figuring it out... It's not as though I have everything and he sacrificed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in the US for 15 years now. I'm bilingual, I have an American name. But I grew up in the Middle East. I grew up poor, but went to a good school. I give this for context.

America is a culturally tough place to navigate. For people who come from warmer communities where they have families and neighbors and friends show up almost daily, support them, cook for them when sick, etc. being here is really tough on the psyche. It's also really hard to make friends that see you as a human and not decide to label you as their foreign friend who's an expert on every article you read about that country.

I realized when I felt the most homesick was when I was lacking support and community. It wasn't the country or its politics or its systems that made me miss it, it was the people I knew there, their kindness, having so many people actually drop what they're doing to come help you if need it. It's really hard having to build a community here that mimics that.

Maybe DH is missing community? Maybe you can create one with people that feel like home for him? Visiting often really helps. At first I wouldn't go home for a few years because it was so pricey and I didn't want to ask for a long vacation from work. But as I got older and so did my parents, and I got more secure in my job, I decided work can afford me a 2 week vacation and I can afford tickets back home. Being able to go more regularly has really helped.

This is spot on. OP - the best way for your DH to feel better is to have a regular shcedule to visit , does not necessarily have to be often but needs to be regular so when he leaves he knows he is going to be back in xx months/years AND to have a community of friends from the same place here. Having ppl who grew up in the same city/country living here with him will make it easier to accept that his life is now here.

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting thread. My husband is also from Mexico but from a very poor area and he has no desire to go back there (his hometown) to live. His immediate family are all in the US now, so the family there are just cousins. But, he has expressed how much he loves being in Mexico because he feels like he belongs there in a different way. He also really wants our kids to experience it. We have kicked around the idea of trying to move to Mexico City, which I would be open to, but I think figuring out the job stuff is probably too tough (especially for me, as I'm not fluent in Spanish).

[Anonymous]

Mexico is a magical country (at least it seemed to me as a tourist).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My husband is married to an immigrant who prefers (understatement) her home country of Scotland. I would move back in a heartbeat.

+1. There is nothing about this country that’s better than Scotland in my opinion. I’m American and I’d move there if I could too.

The weather. I like Scotland but the weather there really sucks.

It’s so much better than here. You get used to the “soft” weather and the green is truly mesmerizing. I’d move there is a hot New York minute if I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My husband is married to an immigrant who prefers (understatement) her home country of Scotland. I would move back in a heartbeat.

+1. There is nothing about this country that’s better than Scotland in my opinion. I’m American and I’d move there if I could too.

The weather. I like Scotland but the weather there really sucks.

It’s so much better than here. You get used to the “soft” weather and the green is truly mesmerizing. I’d move there is a hot New York minute if I could.

This reminds me of a friend I had from the UK who said that, when they're in the US, they are very nostalgic for their home -- they think about the beautiful green countryside and quaint villages. But when they go back, after a few days it just seems small and dirty.

There is no place that is "magical" when you live there every day. "Magical" is for vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My husband is married to an immigrant who prefers (understatement) her home country of Scotland. I would move back in a heartbeat.

+1. There is nothing about this country that’s better than Scotland in my opinion. I’m American and I’d move there if I could too.

My DD graduated from the University of Edinburg. She also dreams about moving back. Scotland is a magical place.

If you're white. I spent my childhood there. I know.

There's a whole continent for you just a bit under Scotland.

Move or quit whinning.

[Anonymous]

so much patronizing. "it's in his head" "he is missing his childhood" yada yada. does it ever occur to you people that there is some other place in this world that actually provides better quality of life, all things considered?

i am an immigrant and so is my husband. oner of the relatively poorer european countries. i have lived in the US for 20+ years and here is the thing - the life is now actually better in our old country. this is not in my head, i am not imagining that i will be a child again eating my mom's meals and playing with my childhood friends. actual americans (with no prior connections) are moving there and marveling at the quality of life.

the US has grown stagnant while many countries in the world have moved forward. many advantages of living in the US do not hold anymore, for many reasons. and since you are going to ask - yes, i have in fact gone back. to a leisurely pace of life where all neighborhoods are walkable, there is almost no crime, and i can send kids to the nearest school where they will be taught rigorous programs for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so much patronizing. "it's in his head" "he is missing his childhood" yada yada. does it ever occur to you people that there is some other place in this world that actually provides better quality of life, all things considered?

i am an immigrant and so is my husband. oner of the relatively poorer european countries. i have lived in the US for 20+ years and here is the thing - the life is now actually better in our old country. this is not in my head, i am not imagining that i will be a child again eating my mom's meals and playing with my childhood friends. actual americans (with no prior connections) are moving there and marveling at the quality of life.

the US has grown stagnant while many countries in the world have moved forward. many advantages of living in the US do not hold anymore, for many reasons. and since you are going to ask - yes, i have in fact gone back. to a leisurely pace of life where all neighborhoods are walkable, there is almost no crime, and i can send kids to the nearest school where they will be taught rigorous programs for free.

Where