Anyone married to an immigrant who prefers his home country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are from Europe and Asia, and we love ALL our countries, including the USA. Of course we miss things from our home countries. Of course each country has pros and cons.

When you’re international, you understand that there is no perfect country - you yearn for the healthcare of one, the food of the other, the job opportunities of the third… if only all the good things could be present in just one country!

Why the eye roll, hon? You thought this was it, the perfect country?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are from Europe and Asia, and we love ALL our countries, including the USA. Of course we miss things from our home countries. Of course each country has pros and cons.

When you’re international, you understand that there is no perfect country - you yearn for the healthcare of one, the food of the other, the job opportunities of the third… if only all the good things could be present in just one country!

Why the eye roll, hon? You thought this was it, the perfect country?

I’m a different poster but I agree with the eye roll. The poster claimed to speak for all “international” people?! And spoke so condescendingly as if this little nugget had never occurred to Americans.

Ironically, some immigrants here do seem to behave as if their home country were the perfect one.

[Anonymous]

There's a saying along the lines that we spend half our life trying to get away from our hometown/where we grew up and spend the second half trying to get back to it.

If your spouse actually lived in the home country, there would be plenty of negatives to focus on as well. That said, I'm not entirely sure what to do/say to get him to shift his thinking.

I often feel like a foreigner in the DMV, compared to where I grew up. My DH gets irritated that I get so negative about it. Reading your post makes me realize that I should work on focusing on the positive.

Maybe remind him that if you lived there, that there would be lots of things that he'd find irritating/disappointing.

Another thought: There is a thing called reverse culture shock when you return home from living abroad. I hated so many things about the US when I returned form studying abroad, even though I had been homesick.

[Anonymous]

This is an old thread which I just found. My DW is dealing with similar issues; at this point I am ready to move us and our 2 kids to her home country just to end her misery. But some comments here - you can’t move back to home once you leave it; nostalgic vision etc - give me a pause. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her with home sickness and how to help her assess what it is that she actually misses? We have a great, financially comfy life here. But she is miserable - everything is better in her country which I know is absurd but the past 6 months were tough. She is pregnant now with #2, so we are planning on moving after the baby is born, next summer. My job is secure; I will be able to work from abroad for about 6 months (I expect they will let me go then; the company really needs someone US based), we have savings and I should be able to find a new gig. I adore my wife but it is very tough to be married to someone who is so home sick. I am not sure I can handle it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an old thread which I just found. My DW is dealing with similar issues; at this point I am ready to move us and our 2 kids to her home country just to end her misery. But some comments here - you can’t move back to home once you leave it; nostalgic vision etc - give me a pause. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her with home sickness and how to help her assess what it is that she actually misses? We have a great, financially comfy life here. But she is miserable - everything is better in her country which I know is absurd but the past 6 months were tough. She is pregnant now with #2, so we are planning on moving after the baby is born, next summer. My job is secure; I will be able to work from abroad for about 6 months (I expect they will let me go then; the company really needs someone US based), we have savings and I should be able to find a new gig. I adore my wife but it is very tough to be married to someone who is so home sick. I am not sure I can handle it anymore.

What country?

One of the things that struck me most about this thread is that basically only the OP and one other poster ever mentioned what country they are from. I'm an immigrant too (Germany) and I don't understand the reluctance to mention the country. People can and will give you different advice based on that.

But I will say that your wife's "everything is better" attitude is really obnoxious and offputting to people, and even if she only says it to you--assuming you are an American--it's still rude and potentially hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an old thread which I just found. My DW is dealing with similar issues; at this point I am ready to move us and our 2 kids to her home country just to end her misery. But some comments here - you can’t move back to home once you leave it; nostalgic vision etc - give me a pause. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her with home sickness and how to help her assess what it is that she actually misses? We have a great, financially comfy life here. But she is miserable - everything is better in her country which I know is absurd but the past 6 months were tough. She is pregnant now with #2, so we are planning on moving after the baby is born, next summer. My job is secure; I will be able to work from abroad for about 6 months (I expect they will let me go then; the company really needs someone US based), we have savings and I should be able to find a new gig. I adore my wife but it is very tough to be married to someone who is so home sick. I am not sure I can handle it anymore.

Is she from Poland?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an old thread which I just found. My DW is dealing with similar issues; at this point I am ready to move us and our 2 kids to her home country just to end her misery. But some comments here - you can’t move back to home once you leave it; nostalgic vision etc - give me a pause. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her with home sickness and how to help her assess what it is that she actually misses? We have a great, financially comfy life here. But she is miserable - everything is better in her country which I know is absurd but the past 6 months were tough. She is pregnant now with #2, so we are planning on moving after the baby is born, next summer. My job is secure; I will be able to work from abroad for about 6 months (I expect they will let me go then; the company really needs someone US based), we have savings and I should be able to find a new gig. I adore my wife but it is very tough to be married to someone who is so home sick. I am not sure I can handle it anymore.

What country?

One of the things that struck me most about this thread is that basically only the OP and one other poster ever mentioned what country they are from. I'm an immigrant too (Germany) and I don't understand the reluctance to mention the country. People can and will give you different advice based on that.

But I will say that your wife's "everything is better" attitude is really obnoxious and offputting to people, and even if she only says it to you--assuming you are an American--it's still rude and potentially hurtful.

She’s Flemish.

[Anonymous]

She is being very selfish. I would not move, no way. Pay for her to talk to a therapist. She can do all her complaining to someone else. Not you. I would refuse to hear this endless complaining. She is being abusive to you, imo. Time for her to grow up and live as an adult.

[Anonymous]

You can't go home again. I am an immigrant. I actually went and worked for a few years in my country of origin as an expat employee of an American company. It was a great experience, but it showed me once and for all that I couldn't stay there. The place had changed and I had changed. I still visit, but the US is where I stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The World Bank classifies Mexico as an Upper Middle Income country. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that he has more than just fond memories because of his family. Is buying property in Mexico for longer visits an option? I feel for your DH. Being Mexican in today’s political climate can’t be easy.

NP
How is it not easy and what’s it about the current climate that makes it hard? Everyone is trying to get Latino vote and there’s affirmative action too. And tons of bilingual jobs.

[Anonymous]

I miss my country too. Unfortunately it has come under the rule of extremely evil people so I can’t even go visit without having to witness it… my dream of returning has been taken away from me.
I would never disparage the US to Americans but honestly it’s just a very comfortable and safe place to live, to have a base in, but my love is elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an old thread which I just found. My DW is dealing with similar issues; at this point I am ready to move us and our 2 kids to her home country just to end her misery. But some comments here - you can’t move back to home once you leave it; nostalgic vision etc - give me a pause. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her with home sickness and how to help her assess what it is that she actually misses? We have a great, financially comfy life here. But she is miserable - everything is better in her country which I know is absurd but the past 6 months were tough. She is pregnant now with #2, so we are planning on moving after the baby is born, next summer. My job is secure; I will be able to work from abroad for about 6 months (I expect they will let me go then; the company really needs someone US based), we have savings and I should be able to find a new gig. I adore my wife but it is very tough to be married to someone who is so home sick. I am not sure I can handle it anymore.

What country?

One of the things that struck me most about this thread is that basically only the OP and one other poster ever mentioned what country they are from. I'm an immigrant too (Germany) and I don't understand the reluctance to mention the country. People can and will give you different advice based on that.

But I will say that your wife's "everything is better" attitude is really obnoxious and offputting to people, and even if she only says it to you--assuming you are an American--it's still rude and potentially hurtful.

She’s Flemish.

So she wants to return to Belgium? Have you spent much time there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an old thread which I just found. My DW is dealing with similar issues; at this point I am ready to move us and our 2 kids to her home country just to end her misery. But some comments here - you can’t move back to home once you leave it; nostalgic vision etc - give me a pause. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her with home sickness and how to help her assess what it is that she actually misses? We have a great, financially comfy life here. But she is miserable - everything is better in her country which I know is absurd but the past 6 months were tough. She is pregnant now with #2, so we are planning on moving after the baby is born, next summer. My job is secure; I will be able to work from abroad for about 6 months (I expect they will let me go then; the company really needs someone US based), we have savings and I should be able to find a new gig. I adore my wife but it is very tough to be married to someone who is so home sick. I am not sure I can handle it anymore.

What country?

One of the things that struck me most about this thread is that basically only the OP and one other poster ever mentioned what country they are from. I'm an immigrant too (Germany) and I don't understand the reluctance to mention the country. People can and will give you different advice based on that.

But I will say that your wife's "everything is better" attitude is really obnoxious and offputting to people, and even if she only says it to you--assuming you are an American--it's still rude and potentially hurtful.

She’s Flemish.

So she wants to return to Belgium? Have you spent much time there?

NP but if you think you can find a good job there and kids are still small, why not at least give it a try?
You can always come back if it doesn't work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No.

Men are kind of stabbing in the dark and guessing how they’re supposed to feel about anything. My immigrant spouse contradicts himself all the time guessing what someone wants to here: I like it here, I like it there, my parents must wish I lived closer, etc.

Wow. You’ve got a pretty infantilism good opinion of men. Only women can actually know how they feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our life is here and dh doesn’t want to move back but he really misses his country and feels he “over estimated how nice America was” in his youth. This recent current political climate didn’t help things but this was his feeling a decade prior. We try and do things to preserve his culture (we are bilingual household and kids know about their culture) but it’s obviously not the same as living there. We have just now visited the first time in 22 months and he really is sad having to go back home. What’s even more “shocking” is he isn’t from a “nice” European country, he’s from Mexico, in a particularly middle class/poor area but he just has a very lovely family whom made his childhood wonderful and all his memories lie within Mexico. I also have a grown fondness for it as I love his family and him so it comes natural to me now too. I have no desire to live in Mexico though. And like I said he doesn’t either but it doesn’t help the long grieving process of raising your kids so far away. Anyone in a similar situation with spouse? Are their things you have learned that can help the situation? Thanks

What in blazes? People from Mexico cannot miss it because you think it's, well, trash? I just cannot with the people who live on the E coast. So much liberal posturing to cover deep-seated arrogance and ingrained bias.
Firstly, Mexico is a vibrant country with a dominant economy in Latin America. I know quite a few people who moved to the US from CDMX, hated it, and moved back. Millions of people survive quite well in Mexico and what your DH realizes is that maybe he could have to. I'm from S Texas. The cross-border, MX-TX family is very common with parents/kids flying or driving back and forth all the time. For most of the border - or even all of S Texas - going to Mexico is much faster and easier than going to any other US state, and we do it all the time.

Two things - 1) people can miss their home countries and families even when you think that they're "less than". It's natural and quite normal. Everyone misses home, no matter what you perceive to be wrong with it. 2) For Mexicans (and Latinos) the E coast is a difficult place to live. It is quite foreign in culture. If you wanted to help him adjust, you would move to a state like TX, CA, NM, or AZ where Mexican culture is infused in the state culture and the MX population is much higher. The food, language, communities and culture all thrive so it's like being home, but not quite. And where you can hop on a 1 hr flight to CDMX on the weekend whenever you want because it's that cheap and close.