Anyone married to an immigrant who prefers his home country

[Anonymous]

We work from home (permanently, not because of Covid). We are looking at buying a second home in my husband's home country for exactly this reason. We visit often, but he wants to try living there for part of the year. Neither of us like winter, so likely November-April.

We are looking now, but wouldn't put the plan into full action until our youngest is in college. Three more years. I did say I wasn't willing to live there full time, or sell a home in the states. But I could do extended stays.

[Anonymous]

Op here lots of good insights. I think some of it yearning for his childhood and that gets mixed up into his home country. We both agree moving back wouldn’t be for us, for different reasons. I think the poster who said she feels guilty because she doesn’t know if her husband would move here knowing what he knows now hit the nail on the head. I just feel sad for him sometimes with no way to fix it. And like everyone said…there’s no going home! And we both know there’s no perfect country like another poster mentioned! Thanks all!

[Anonymous]

The only couple I’ve seen successfully deal with this bought homes in both locations, visit often and plan to split retirement between the two locations. So the immigrant partner sees an end point.

The other two couples divorced and live on separate continents.

I think people greatly underestimate the lifelong impact of marrying someone from another country and choosing to move away from their entire family. All is roses until about 8 years in when the full understanding of ‘never going back’ sets in.

[Anonymous]

My father missed his European homeland and is buried there. My husband misses his as well and we hope to visit often and longer when both kids are out of the nest (5 years).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to someone who is homesick for the country he grew up in. Being a different race than white just compounds it for him. It’s a sad situation and there’s no fix, really. There is no way we could move there as a family. I feel very bad for him, especially since I believe that if he knew then what he knows now, he would never have emigrated here and would have stayed there. But with kids, marriage, career, family back home dead, home changed from how it used to be: it all makes it impossible.

This is my. I didn’t emigrate to the US on purpose, I came on assignment and ended up meeting my husband and agreeing to stay. I really miss my home country but like you said it’s not possible after building a new life here.

[Anonymous]

me not my

[Anonymous]

I've been in the US for 15 years now. I'm bilingual, I have an American name. But I grew up in the Middle East. I grew up poor, but went to a good school. I give this for context.

America is a culturally tough place to navigate. For people who come from warmer communities where they have families and neighbors and friends show up almost daily, support them, cook for them when sick, etc. being here is really tough on the psyche. It's also really hard to make friends that see you as a human and not decide to label you as their foreign friend who's an expert on every article you read about that country.

I realized when I felt the most homesick was when I was lacking support and community. It wasn't the country or its politics or its systems that made me miss it, it was the people I knew there, their kindness, having so many people actually drop what they're doing to come help you if need it. It's really hard having to build a community here that mimics that.

Maybe DH is missing community? Maybe you can create one with people that feel like home for him? Visiting often really helps. At first I wouldn't go home for a few years because it was so pricey and I didn't want to ask for a long vacation from work. But as I got older and so did my parents, and I got more secure in my job, I decided work can afford me a 2 week vacation and I can afford tickets back home. Being able to go more regularly has really helped.

[Anonymous]

I miss my homeland, but the place I grew up in exists only in my mind now. Everyone and everything in that town has moved on. My home is here now, for better or for worse. The only thing I have asked for is for my ashes to be immersed in the ocean near my childhood home, where we would play every chance we got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thomas Wolfe was right — you can’t go home again.

My entire childhood, my Mother yearned for the town she grew up in. We heard all about what a wonderful, magical place it was. Finally, after I went away to college, my parents moved back there. She hated it. I don’t know if the place had changed, or she had changed and the town hadn’t, but they left after a few years.

If what your husband wants is to return to his childhood, that place isn’t likely to exist anymore. Even if his family is still there, visiting is very different from living with them every day.

However, sometimes it does work out — my DH and I moved to the town he grew up in, and we’ve really enjoyed it, so far. However, we moved here because it happens to be a really nice place that met all our criteria for retirement, and he had zero nostalgia or expectations related to his childhood or family. It’s a fresh start; it just happens to be in a familiar place.

It’s funny how much we humans are like salmon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are from Europe and Asia, and we love ALL our countries, including the USA. Of course we miss things from our home countries. Of course each country has pros and cons.

When you’re international, you understand that there is no perfect country - you yearn for the healthcare of one, the food of the other, the job opportunities of the third… if only all the good things could be present in just one country!

[Anonymous]

Yes. My husband is married to an immigrant who prefers (understatement) her home country of Scotland. I would move back in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

My exH is from a small midwestern town which, at least to me, is about like another country since I grew up in NoVa. After leaving home at 18 he moved back there a few years ago in retirement. Financially a great decision. Also he wanted to spend time with his sisters and their families as they are all getting old and in 50+ years they had only visited each other. He is very happy there. Our grown kids visit him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prefers the home country? PREFERS?

It is not preference. It is a deep ache of missing something that is a part of your history, culture and human connection. This is common to people who go to any other country. You miss the culture and connections of the old country even when you are making connections and soaking in the culture of the new country. A person cannot compartmentalize this. You are human. You feel.

Every country is different. I love a lot of material conveniences and personal freedom in US and would miss it when I go back to my home country. I miss the social, family connections and contact of my home country and it is frightening to me to grow old or poor in this country because no one gives a damn.

I live in a whole lot of comfort in this country. I am also a lot more lonely and anxious in this country.

Thanks, PP. I couldn’t have said it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My husband is married to an immigrant who prefers (understatement) her home country of Scotland. I would move back in a heartbeat.

+1. There is nothing about this country that’s better than Scotland in my opinion. I’m American and I’d move there if I could too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My husband is married to an immigrant who prefers (understatement) her home country of Scotland. I would move back in a heartbeat.

+1. There is nothing about this country that’s better than Scotland in my opinion. I’m American and I’d move there if I could too.

My DD graduated from the University of Edinburg. She also dreams about moving back. Scotland is a magical place.