Anyone married to an immigrant who prefers his home country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an old thread which I just found. My DW is dealing with similar issues; at this point I am ready to move us and our 2 kids to her home country just to end her misery. But some comments here - you can’t move back to home once you leave it; nostalgic vision etc - give me a pause. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her with home sickness and how to help her assess what it is that she actually misses? We have a great, financially comfy life here. But she is miserable - everything is better in her country which I know is absurd but the past 6 months were tough. She is pregnant now with #2, so we are planning on moving after the baby is born, next summer. My job is secure; I will be able to work from abroad for about 6 months (I expect they will let me go then; the company really needs someone US based), we have savings and I should be able to find a new gig. I adore my wife but it is very tough to be married to someone who is so home sick. I am not sure I can handle it anymore.

What country?

One of the things that struck me most about this thread is that basically only the OP and one other poster ever mentioned what country they are from. I'm an immigrant too (Germany) and I don't understand the reluctance to mention the country. People can and will give you different advice based on that.

But I will say that your wife's "everything is better" attitude is really obnoxious and offputting to people, and even if she only says it to you--assuming you are an American--it's still rude and potentially hurtful.

She’s Flemish.

So she wants to return to Belgium? Have you spent much time there?

NP but if you think you can find a good job there and kids are still small, why not at least give it a try?
You can always come back if it doesn't work out.

I think one of the compromises you make when you marry someone from another country is you have to defer to the more homesick one in terms of where you live.

And like dude. Belgium is great. You will become Belgian before you know it, drinking the very strong beer, eating cheese for dessert, finding your favorite sauce for frites, etc. etc. The daycare savings alone will make the move worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an old thread which I just found. My DW is dealing with similar issues; at this point I am ready to move us and our 2 kids to her home country just to end her misery. But some comments here - you can’t move back to home once you leave it; nostalgic vision etc - give me a pause. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her with home sickness and how to help her assess what it is that she actually misses? We have a great, financially comfy life here. But she is miserable - everything is better in her country which I know is absurd but the past 6 months were tough. She is pregnant now with #2, so we are planning on moving after the baby is born, next summer. My job is secure; I will be able to work from abroad for about 6 months (I expect they will let me go then; the company really needs someone US based), we have savings and I should be able to find a new gig. I adore my wife but it is very tough to be married to someone who is so home sick. I am not sure I can handle it anymore.

What country?

One of the things that struck me most about this thread is that basically only the OP and one other poster ever mentioned what country they are from. I'm an immigrant too (Germany) and I don't understand the reluctance to mention the country. People can and will give you different advice based on that.

But I will say that your wife's "everything is better" attitude is really obnoxious and offputting to people, and even if she only says it to you--assuming you are an American--it's still rude and potentially hurtful.

She’s Flemish.

So she wants to return to Belgium? Have you spent much time there?

NP but if you think you can find a good job there and kids are still small, why not at least give it a try?
You can always come back if it doesn't work out.

I think one of the compromises you make when you marry someone from another country is you have to defer to the more homesick one in terms of where you live.

And like dude. Belgium is great. You will become Belgian before you know it, drinking the very strong beer, eating cheese for dessert, finding your favorite sauce for frites, etc. etc. The daycare savings alone will make the move worth it.

Daycare is a few years. Salaries are much lower in Belgium and higher taxes. Yes you’ll have better social benefits but be careful. You may be surprised after you find out how much less money you’ll be taking home. You may be okay with this and think the trade offs are worth it but agree to this understanding the financial aspect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our life is here and dh doesn’t want to move back but he really misses his country and feels he “over estimated how nice America was” in his youth. This recent current political climate didn’t help things but this was his feeling a decade prior. We try and do things to preserve his culture (we are bilingual household and kids know about their culture) but it’s obviously not the same as living there. We have just now visited the first time in 22 months and he really is sad having to go back home. What’s even more “shocking” is he isn’t from a “nice” European country, he’s from Mexico, in a particularly middle class/poor area but he just has a very lovely family whom made his childhood wonderful and all his memories lie within Mexico. I also have a grown fondness for it as I love his family and him so it comes natural to me now too. I have no desire to live in Mexico though. And like I said he doesn’t either but it doesn’t help the long grieving process of raising your kids so far away. Anyone in a similar situation with spouse? Are their things you have learned that can help the situation? Thanks

What in blazes? People from Mexico cannot miss it because you think it's, well, trash? I just cannot with the people who live on the E coast. So much liberal posturing to cover deep-seated arrogance and ingrained bias.
Firstly, Mexico is a vibrant country with a dominant economy in Latin America. I know quite a few people who moved to the US from CDMX, hated it, and moved back. Millions of people survive quite well in Mexico and what your DH realizes is that maybe he could have to. I'm from S Texas. The cross-border, MX-TX family is very common with parents/kids flying or driving back and forth all the time. For most of the border - or even all of S Texas - going to Mexico is much faster and easier than going to any other US state, and we do it all the time.

Two things - 1) people can miss their home countries and families even when you think that they're "less than". It's natural and quite normal. Everyone misses home, no matter what you perceive to be wrong with it. 2) For Mexicans (and Latinos) the E coast is a difficult place to live. It is quite foreign in culture. If you wanted to help him adjust, you would move to a state like TX, CA, NM, or AZ where Mexican culture is infused in the state culture and the MX population is much higher. The food, language, communities and culture all thrive so it's like being home, but not quite. And where you can hop on a 1 hr flight to CDMX on the weekend whenever you want because it's that cheap and close.

Why do you assume the PP is from the East Coast when people post here from all over, including from places like Texas. And maybe don’t lecture people about stereotyping Mexico while simultaneously stereotyping the East Coast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an old thread which I just found. My DW is dealing with similar issues; at this point I am ready to move us and our 2 kids to her home country just to end her misery. But some comments here - you can’t move back to home once you leave it; nostalgic vision etc - give me a pause. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her with home sickness and how to help her assess what it is that she actually misses? We have a great, financially comfy life here. But she is miserable - everything is better in her country which I know is absurd but the past 6 months were tough. She is pregnant now with #2, so we are planning on moving after the baby is born, next summer. My job is secure; I will be able to work from abroad for about 6 months (I expect they will let me go then; the company really needs someone US based), we have savings and I should be able to find a new gig. I adore my wife but it is very tough to be married to someone who is so home sick. I am not sure I can handle it anymore.

What country?

One of the things that struck me most about this thread is that basically only the OP and one other poster ever mentioned what country they are from. I'm an immigrant too (Germany) and I don't understand the reluctance to mention the country. People can and will give you different advice based on that.

But I will say that your wife's "everything is better" attitude is really obnoxious and offputting to people, and even if she only says it to you--assuming you are an American--it's still rude and potentially hurtful.

She’s Flemish.

So she wants to return to Belgium? Have you spent much time there?

NP but if you think you can find a good job there and kids are still small, why not at least give it a try?
You can always come back if it doesn't work out.

I think one of the compromises you make when you marry someone from another country is you have to defer to the more homesick one in terms of where you live.

And like dude. Belgium is great. You will become Belgian before you know it, drinking the very strong beer, eating cheese for dessert, finding your favorite sauce for frites, etc. etc. The daycare savings alone will make the move worth it.

Daycare is a few years. Salaries are much lower in Belgium and higher taxes. Yes you’ll have better social benefits but be careful. You may be surprised after you find out how much less money you’ll be taking home. You may be okay with this and think the trade offs are worth it but agree to this understanding the financial aspect.

Hi, I'm from Belgium too (Flemish). I agree with this. Salaries are generally lower and income tax is higher. However ... you pay more taxes but you do get a lot of social benefits in return.

State run Kindergarten, elementary schools and high schools are free. University tuition is free (apart from a registration fee).
State run daycare- the fees you pay are based on your earnings, so people who earn more, pay more. Those who earn less, pay less.
Same for getting home health aides. The fees you pay are based on earnings/pension and ability to pay.

Getting around on public transport is cheap. Train travel is heavily subsidized by the government. Train travel throughout the country is easy and very popular. It's half price at weekends.

The medical system is very good and way cheaper than in the US!.

Great cycling infrastructure. Cycling is huge in Belgium!

If a big, fat take home salary is important to you then Belgium may not be the right country for you, but once you take the other benefits into account it's a pretty good and pleasant place to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a saying along the lines that we spend half our life trying to get away from our hometown/where we grew up and spend the second half trying to get back to it.

If your spouse actually lived in the home country, there would be plenty of negatives to focus on as well. That said, I'm not entirely sure what to do/say to get him to shift his thinking.

I often feel like a foreigner in the DMV, compared to where I grew up. My DH gets irritated that I get so negative about it. Reading your post makes me realize that I should work on focusing on the positive.

Maybe remind him that if you lived there, that there would be lots of things that he'd find irritating/disappointing.

Another thought: There is a thing called reverse culture shock when you return home from living abroad. I hated so many things about the US when I returned form studying abroad, even though I had been homesick.

Just like salmon.

[Anonymous]

I am an immigrant from a European country and I go back yearly. But I agree. What I miss is no longer there. I still love visiting. We have a place there and I intend to spend some time a year in retirement. But I don't think I would live there permanently. One thing that the US does better than the European countries is convenience and service. Shopping, services, administrative stuff. It all seems easier to me here. And honestly, for day to day living, that is worth a lot to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our life is here and dh doesn’t want to move back but he really misses his country and feels he “over estimated how nice America was” in his youth. This recent current political climate didn’t help things but this was his feeling a decade prior. We try and do things to preserve his culture (we are bilingual household and kids know about their culture) but it’s obviously not the same as living there. We have just now visited the first time in 22 months and he really is sad having to go back home. What’s even more “shocking” is he isn’t from a “nice” European country, he’s from Mexico, in a particularly middle class/poor area but he just has a very lovely family whom made his childhood wonderful and all his memories lie within Mexico. I also have a grown fondness for it as I love his family and him so it comes natural to me now too. I have no desire to live in Mexico though. And like I said he doesn’t either but it doesn’t help the long grieving process of raising your kids so far away. Anyone in a similar situation with spouse? Are their things you have learned that can help the situation? Thanks

You can visit often and make plans to buy a vacation home to retire there, most likely that won't happen but it would give him something to look forward to. If it happens, Mexico is way more affordable so there is a silver lining for you.

[Anonymous]

I'm an immigrant but overall lived more of my years here and consider it my home now. I'm not the same and my country and people aren't the same either so I doubt nostalgia would last for long. More importantly my kids are born and raised Americans and have no desire to leave their home country for my home country. I would like to see them then anyone in my country so moving away makes no sense in any way.