My sister and family are miserable

[Anonymous]

Ahahhah! You have to look at it from the perspective of someone coming into the DMV from a smaller, more tight-knit place.

Too much walking, too much traffic, too long to get to places. I know I feel that way too, and I live here!!!

And it's summer. Ugh.

Give them a break. The weather, the traffic, the unkind people...I can see why they are complaining.

Look at it from their perspective. They are not miserable people, they are miserable that they have to be in your city. Big difference!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. Your sister sounds like my MIL and BIL. It's very hard and it sounds like you are supportive as you can be with money and time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not saying I don’t understand why she is depressed/unhappy. Of course I do. I just didn’t realize the extent of it until I spent this time with them.

She is a single mom and her ex pays child support but her kids are almost old enough to be done with that. Basically she has a dead end but stressful job that doesn’t earn anything and her kids are all basically a mess. It’s very sad and stressful for all of us because both my parents were well educated and we grew up in a very comfortable lifestyle. I am actually grateful my father isn’t alive to see how bad my sister’s life has turned out. It’s just desperately sad.

Did your sister go to college? I think your focus should be more on getting her kids into community college for some good paying jobs. You have lent her 1K. Is that all that you can give her? Did your parents not leave anything for you both?

My sister has a degree but really doesn’t use it in her job. My nieces are out of high school and the older one wasted two years at an expensive private college that she dropped out of. She had a baby and is now trying to go to community college. The younger one barely graduated from high school this year and has no interest in college. The youngest is in high school and hopefully will go to some sort of trade school, I’m not really sure.

My mother is still alive and has a fair amount of money that’s invested for her retirement. She spends very little on herself, does give some to my sister, and keeps the rest in case she needs it for her own long-term care. She will leave it to us eventually, which is basically what my sister is probably banking on.

I can’t really give her more at this point, unless I was to withdraw from my retirement savings. I am looking for a higher paying job, partly so I can give her more.

I am so sorry.

I also feel so bad when young girls in precarious financial situations also make the mistake of having babies without first standing on their own two feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ahahhah! You have to look at it from the perspective of someone coming into the DMV from a smaller, more tight-knit place.

Too much walking, too much traffic, too long to get to places. I know I feel that way too, and I live here!!!

And it's summer. Ugh.

Give them a break. The weather, the traffic, the unkind people...I can see why they are complaining.

Look at it from their perspective. They are not miserable people, they are miserable that they have to be in your city. Big difference!

What are you snorting?

[Anonymous]

I grew up poor in the US and it is so hard. It is exhausting just surviving. It’s difficult to understand if you haven’t experienced chronic, long term poverty. I am solidly umc now and money does buy happiness, to a point.

OP, I think you are doing all you can and it must be draining but I’m sure it is appreciated that you are making an effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ahahhah! You have to look at it from the perspective of someone coming into the DMV from a smaller, more tight-knit place.

Too much walking, too much traffic, too long to get to places. I know I feel that way too, and I live here!!!

And it's summer. Ugh.

Give them a break. The weather, the traffic, the unkind people...I can see why they are complaining.

Look at it from their perspective. They are not miserable people, they are miserable that they have to be in your city. Big difference!

Sigh. The OP is in her sister’s hometown.

[Anonymous]

Your sister and her family are struggling financially. That really makes life hard. Be compassionate and don’t judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may just be stressed out. It’s hard to enjoy even a vacation if you’re stressed out and have a list of obligations to get through…

Is she an Ok planner? Maybe she needs some kind of organizer at home or housekeeper come 1-3x a week for a couple hours to pick up, do laundry, cook a meal?

Don't you love it when posters come up with off-the-cuff remarks like this that clearly demonstrate that they have 1) no patience or ability to thoroughly read posts; or 2) a complete lack of understanding of how other people live?

PP, what part of OP's post stating that the sister has money problems, to the point that she is awaiting a tax refund to repay a $1,000 loan, did you miss?

Does this sound like the kind of person who could afford a home organizer, or a housekeeper to come 3 times a week to cook her meals?

Wow, roar!

There are helpful people for $10/hour outside of urban areas who can offer respite for the sister.

Heck, my mother in law in lOndon pays $10/ hr for someone to pick up after her husband once a week.

Once AGAIN, a multiperson family living on $20K CANNOT AFFORD "$10/hour" for anything extra. Nothing. Seriously, please come down from your privileged tower and live in reality.

No one legal only makes $20k once you get all the snap, transpo, housing benefits. Sounds like she needs to go to a SSA office and sign up for her and the kids. Until reported hhi is $42k for a family there is aid she should be receiving .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may just be stressed out. It’s hard to enjoy even a vacation if you’re stressed out and have a list of obligations to get through…

Is she an Ok planner? Maybe she needs some kind of organizer at home or housekeeper come 1-3x a week for a couple hours to pick up, do laundry, cook a meal?

Don't you love it when posters come up with off-the-cuff remarks like this that clearly demonstrate that they have 1) no patience or ability to thoroughly read posts; or 2) a complete lack of understanding of how other people live?

PP, what part of OP's post stating that the sister has money problems, to the point that she is awaiting a tax refund to repay a $1,000 loan, did you miss?

Does this sound like the kind of person who could afford a home organizer, or a housekeeper to come 3 times a week to cook her meals?

Wow, roar!

There are helpful people for $10/hour outside of urban areas who can offer respite for the sister.

Heck, my mother in law in lOndon pays $10/ hr for someone to pick up after her husband once a week.

Once AGAIN, a multiperson family living on $20K CANNOT AFFORD "$10/hour" for anything extra. Nothing. Seriously, please come down from your privileged tower and live in reality.

No one legal only makes $20k once you get all the snap, transpo, housing benefits. Sounds like she needs to go to a SSA office and sign up for her and the kids. Until reported hhi is $42k for a family there is aid she should be receiving .

This is…not at all accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No one legal only makes $20k once you get all the snap, transpo, housing benefits. Sounds like she needs to go to a SSA office and sign up for her and the kids. Until reported hhi is $42k for a family there is aid she should be receiving .

She had an AGI of $14k last year. Her gross salary was $33k and she got $10k in unemployment. She had something like $18k in deductions and Biden admin decided to exempt UI from being taxed. She makes too much for snap although she has got it in the past. She owns her own cars and her own house. So yes, as a PP said, this is not accurate. My niece with the baby gets all benefits including WIC and housing money, I believe.

[Anonymous]

Poverty has a way of bringing people down. DH's cousin in a smalltown America, and poor lost her 30-year-old DS. He was shot in a field by the police. He had a gun and he was going to beat his kids and girlfriend again. He was addicted to meth and opioids. It is hard to understand what people that are poor and without good education go through.
Don't be so quick to judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up poor in the US and it is so hard. It is exhausting just surviving. It’s difficult to understand if you haven’t experienced chronic, long term poverty. I am solidly umc now and money does buy happiness, to a point.

OP, I think you are doing all you can and it must be draining but I’m sure it is appreciated that you are making an effort.

Thank you. You’re very right about how exhausting it is to be poor, and I really agree with you that money does buy happiness when you make this little. I wish I could just give her $100k to pay off all her debts and allow her to breathe but I can’t.

A few other posters said ‘don’t judge’ and I hope it’s clear I’m not judging. One is allowed to be sad about something without being judgmental. I am distressed and sad and feel hopeless I can’t help. And I’m sad for her kids because there’s no way out of this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I would assume they are seeing lots of things they can't afford to do "on vacation" or don't have the bandwidth to do them. Lack of money causes stress, and then you can't afford mental health treatment, so it snowballs over the years.

Going on "vacation" in a hotel with someone else paying, who you are beholden to for money, is a break, but not really a vacation. I mean, you sister and family are probably appreciate it, but you can't expect them to jump up and down with joy.

This. Instead of paying for a hotel room, which they evidently weren’t enjoying, could you instead have forgiven the loan and let her do something she wants or needs with her tax refund? Why are you expecting her to enjoy something just because you would? Not everyone likes cities and being in a hotel room without money does not sound fun to me either. How many people are in the room? If it’s crowded, that explains the mess. You sound very kindhearted but a bit obtuse about her situation and perhaps you come off as judgmental to her.

[Anonymous]

You may have paid for hotel room but are you paying for meals? gas? activities? Yeah you you got them a bed to sleep
on but do you have any sense of how a meal out can break a budget when it’s so close to the bone?? Even a cup of coffee at a 7/11 adds up. And your nieces/nephews (not reading details) are under pressure to be grateful for what sounds like 4 walls between you showing up waiting for them to perform for you. Sounds like you can’t see them as you’ve already painted their portrait. You sound sad OP

[Anonymous]

OP, when I was at my lowest, worried about becoming homeless, my brother and his wife wanted to take me out to brunch to do something nice and so we could see each other. We met at a diner. I looked at the menu and wanted to order scrambled eggs and toast. It was $6. I started crying hysterically. I really needed toothpaste and couldn’t afford that and the money for eggs could pay for toothpaste. I asked my brother if I could just sit with them while they ate and if I could use $4 to buy toothpaste, saving them $2. That’s where I was coming from at that time. I couldn’t even enjoy a cheap brunch out with family because I was stressing about necessities.