My sister and family are miserable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may just be stressed out. It’s hard to enjoy even a vacation if you’re stressed out and have a list of obligations to get through…

Is she an Ok planner? Maybe she needs some kind of organizer at home or housekeeper come 1-3x a week for a couple hours to pick up, do laundry, cook a meal?

Agree with the first sentence of this. You may have no idea of their daily struggles. Some people don’t enjoy travel or maybe they felt uncomfortable that you paid.

I have a good idea of her daily struggles. And yes; she is very stressed, they all are. But no, they can’t afford to have a cleaner or anything like that. Her AGI last year was under $20,000.

My sister was fine with me paying for her hotel room. We did get some time to talk this morning about some of her biggest stressors. The thing is, they’re all huge things with no easy solution. I guess that’s the hardest part for me.

Guessing that she is a single mom. Where is her ex-DH in all of this? Or is there one?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they're experiencing pretty major poverty. That's a huge stressor. It takes a ton of resilience just to survive. I suspect they're not experiencing this "vacation" the way you are.

[Anonymous]

OP if you have never spent a lot of time with kids living in poverty, it's very normal for them to have a hard, negative, defensive shell. The best part about working with those kids is moments where they break through into joy or discovery or pride. The hardest part is watching them close back up.

[Anonymous]

OP I would assume they are seeing lots of things they can't afford to do "on vacation" or don't have the bandwidth to do them. Lack of money causes stress, and then you can't afford mental health treatment, so it snowballs over the years.

Going on "vacation" in a hotel with someone else paying, who you are beholden to for money, is a break, but not really a vacation. I mean, you sister and family are probably appreciate it, but you can't expect them to jump up and down with joy.

[Anonymous]

I’m not saying I don’t understand why she is depressed/unhappy. Of course I do. I just didn’t realize the extent of it until I spent this time with them.

She is a single mom and her ex pays child support but her kids are almost old enough to be done with that. Basically she has a dead end but stressful job that doesn’t earn anything and her kids are all basically a mess. It’s very sad and stressful for all of us because both my parents were well educated and we grew up in a very comfortable lifestyle. I am actually grateful my father isn’t alive to see how bad my sister’s life has turned out. It’s just desperately sad.

[Anonymous]

And no, I am not complaining she is not showing me gratitude for the travel I paid for. It isn’t a vacation, it was a trip to see me who they haven’t seen in years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not saying I don’t understand why she is depressed/unhappy. Of course I do. I just didn’t realize the extent of it until I spent this time with them.

She is a single mom and her ex pays child support but her kids are almost old enough to be done with that. Basically she has a dead end but stressful job that doesn’t earn anything and her kids are all basically a mess. It’s very sad and stressful for all of us because both my parents were well educated and we grew up in a very comfortable lifestyle. I am actually grateful my father isn’t alive to see how bad my sister’s life has turned out. It’s just desperately sad.

I'm sorry OP.

You just can't expect them to be happy at all, in a situation like that. And, yes, it's going to bring you down. Hugs OP.

[Anonymous]

OP it’s awful sounding. But you need to get ahold of yourself and acknowledge you knew less about the situation than you anticipated. The problem with a negative surprise is that if you don’t a hold of your negative response internally, you’ll just run away from it all, and your sister won’t have anyone. Figure out what you can do within the bounds of comfortability for you (call once a week for 30 min), send money once a week or month, and stick to that consistently. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may just be stressed out. It’s hard to enjoy even a vacation if you’re stressed out and have a list of obligations to get through…

Is she an Ok planner? Maybe she needs some kind of organizer at home or housekeeper come 1-3x a week for a couple hours to pick up, do laundry, cook a meal?

Don't you love it when posters come up with off-the-cuff remarks like this that clearly demonstrate that they have 1) no patience or ability to thoroughly read posts; or 2) a complete lack of understanding of how other people live?

PP, what part of OP's post stating that the sister has money problems, to the point that she is awaiting a tax refund to repay a $1,000 loan, did you miss?

Does this sound like the kind of person who could afford a home organizer, or a housekeeper to come 3 times a week to cook her meals?

Wow, roar!

There are helpful people for $10/hour outside of urban areas who can offer respite for the sister.

Heck, my mother in law in lOndon pays $10/ hr for someone to pick up after her husband once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may just be stressed out. It’s hard to enjoy even a vacation if you’re stressed out and have a list of obligations to get through…

Is she an Ok planner? Maybe she needs some kind of organizer at home or housekeeper come 1-3x a week for a couple hours to pick up, do laundry, cook a meal?

Don't you love it when posters come up with off-the-cuff remarks like this that clearly demonstrate that they have 1) no patience or ability to thoroughly read posts; or 2) a complete lack of understanding of how other people live?

PP, what part of OP's post stating that the sister has money problems, to the point that she is awaiting a tax refund to repay a $1,000 loan, did you miss?

Does this sound like the kind of person who could afford a home organizer, or a housekeeper to come 3 times a week to cook her meals?

Wow, roar!

There are helpful people for $10/hour outside of urban areas who can offer respite for the sister.

Heck, my mother in law in lOndon pays $10/ hr for someone to pick up after her husband once a week.

Do you mean if OP is paying? The sister wouldn't be able to pay that.

[Anonymous]

This is how poor people feel every day.

Thank you for being generous. Even I'd it seemed like they weren't happy it's good they got to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not saying I don’t understand why she is depressed/unhappy. Of course I do. I just didn’t realize the extent of it until I spent this time with them.

She is a single mom and her ex pays child support but her kids are almost old enough to be done with that. Basically she has a dead end but stressful job that doesn’t earn anything and her kids are all basically a mess. It’s very sad and stressful for all of us because both my parents were well educated and we grew up in a very comfortable lifestyle. I am actually grateful my father isn’t alive to see how bad my sister’s life has turned out. It’s just desperately sad.

Did your sister go to college? I think your focus should be more on getting her kids into community college for some good paying jobs. You have lent her 1K. Is that all that you can give her? Did your parents not leave anything for you both?

[Anonymous]

The emphasis on outward happiness in this area is a bit misplaced OP. Your sister is in a bad situation and sounds like she has been for some time.

Not everyone wants to be smiley and put a good face on a bad situation, like I feel pressured to since moving to the dc area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may just be stressed out. It’s hard to enjoy even a vacation if you’re stressed out and have a list of obligations to get through…

Is she an Ok planner? Maybe she needs some kind of organizer at home or housekeeper come 1-3x a week for a couple hours to pick up, do laundry, cook a meal?

Don't you love it when posters come up with off-the-cuff remarks like this that clearly demonstrate that they have 1) no patience or ability to thoroughly read posts; or 2) a complete lack of understanding of how other people live?

PP, what part of OP's post stating that the sister has money problems, to the point that she is awaiting a tax refund to repay a $1,000 loan, did you miss?

Does this sound like the kind of person who could afford a home organizer, or a housekeeper to come 3 times a week to cook her meals?

Wow, roar!

There are helpful people for $10/hour outside of urban areas who can offer respite for the sister.

Heck, my mother in law in lOndon pays $10/ hr for someone to pick up after her husband once a week.

Once AGAIN, a multiperson family living on $20K CANNOT AFFORD "$10/hour" for anything extra. Nothing. Seriously, please come down from your privileged tower and live in reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not saying I don’t understand why she is depressed/unhappy. Of course I do. I just didn’t realize the extent of it until I spent this time with them.

She is a single mom and her ex pays child support but her kids are almost old enough to be done with that. Basically she has a dead end but stressful job that doesn’t earn anything and her kids are all basically a mess. It’s very sad and stressful for all of us because both my parents were well educated and we grew up in a very comfortable lifestyle. I am actually grateful my father isn’t alive to see how bad my sister’s life has turned out. It’s just desperately sad.

Did your sister go to college? I think your focus should be more on getting her kids into community college for some good paying jobs. You have lent her 1K. Is that all that you can give her? Did your parents not leave anything for you both?

My sister has a degree but really doesn’t use it in her job. My nieces are out of high school and the older one wasted two years at an expensive private college that she dropped out of. She had a baby and is now trying to go to community college. The younger one barely graduated from high school this year and has no interest in college. The youngest is in high school and hopefully will go to some sort of trade school, I’m not really sure.

My mother is still alive and has a fair amount of money that’s invested for her retirement. She spends very little on herself, does give some to my sister, and keeps the rest in case she needs it for her own long-term care. She will leave it to us eventually, which is basically what my sister is probably banking on.

I can’t really give her more at this point, unless I was to withdraw from my retirement savings. I am looking for a higher paying job, partly so I can give her more.