My sister and family are miserable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my sister and I live in different states and don’t see each other very often due to distance and money (she can’t afford to travel). I knew that she and I lived very different lives in basically every way but I am in her hometown for work and so I paid for a hotel room for her and her kids to come visit me. We have spent the last couple days together in and around my work meetings and it has dawned on me how different we really are. It’s all the little things like their hotel room is a mess, they don’t want to do anything much, they hate the city. But the biggest thing is how much of a drag they are. There’s no happiness, no laughing, not even smiling. My 21 year old niece and I just walked to get some food and all she did was ask how far it was and how her feet hurt. It was like all my energy was being sucked out of me just being around her and my sister. They are never happy! I know this isn’t my problem to solve (and I can’t), but it has dawned on me and it’s just made me terribly sad. Not for me as much but for them. To be that miserable all the time…it’s just no way to live. Her biggest worry is money and I have lent her plenty in the past (right now she owes me $1k as she waits for her tax refund) but I don’t know, I feel like just getting more money isn’t going to make her happy. I don’t know. Sorry, this is really just a sad vent.

When I was 21, I would have been massively annoyed to have to share a hotel room with my parent and younger siblings for a weekend, just to see some out of state aunt. The 21 year old probably doesn't want to be there. The 21 year old doesn't view seeing Aunt X as a treat, and she isn't happy about this setup, but was probably forced or guilt-tripped by her mom to be there.

[Anonymous]

The 21 year old did NOT share a hotel room with me and was actually very happy to see me, as we are close and I haven’t seen her baby yet. She isn’t a spoiled 21 year old entitled brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may have paid for hotel room but are you paying for meals? gas? activities? Yeah you you got them a bed to sleep
on but do you have any sense of how a meal out can break a budget when it’s so close to the bone?? Even a cup of coffee at a 7/11 adds up. And your nieces/nephews (not reading details) are under pressure to be grateful for what sounds like 4 walls between you showing up waiting for them to perform for you. Sounds like you can’t see them as you’ve already painted their portrait. You sound sad OP

Yes, actually I did pay for meals and parking. I’m sorry but it’s not me who’s the sad one other than being sad about how horrible it must be for my sister and her family. The judgmental one is you for assuming I am too clueless to understand what pressure she is facing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may have paid for hotel room but are you paying for meals? gas? activities? Yeah you you got them a bed to sleep
on but do you have any sense of how a meal out can break a budget when it’s so close to the bone?? Even a cup of coffee at a 7/11 adds up. And your nieces/nephews (not reading details) are under pressure to be grateful for what sounds like 4 walls between you showing up waiting for them to perform for you. Sounds like you can’t see them as you’ve already painted their portrait. You sound sad OP

You might want to read the details...... Never, at any time did the OP say or even imply she wants them to "perform for her". The OP does seem sad, but because she's a caring, empathetic person who is upset her sisters life is really hard and is just now realizing how bad it is.

You sound judgmental and a little full of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not saying I don’t understand why she is depressed/unhappy. Of course I do. I just didn’t realize the extent of it until I spent this time with them.

She is a single mom and her ex pays child support but her kids are almost old enough to be done with that. Basically she has a dead end but stressful job that doesn’t earn anything and her kids are all basically a mess. It’s very sad and stressful for all of us because both my parents were well educated and we grew up in a very comfortable lifestyle. I am actually grateful my father isn’t alive to see how bad my sister’s life has turned out. It’s just desperately sad.

What does she do? She needs to level up. Does she need your help with updatung her resume and going to a recruitment agency?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The 21 year old did NOT share a hotel room with me and was actually very happy to see me, as we are close and I haven’t seen her baby yet. She isn’t a spoiled 21 year old entitled brat.

I didn't say she shared a hotel room with you. She shared one with her mom and siblings, right? At 21, that sounds miserable.

And I wouldn't be too sure she was "actually very happy" to see you. You sound as if you view yourself as some kind of savior figure to them.

[Anonymous]

So let me get this straight, OP. You swept in, paid for a hotel, and assume that the sister and her family are super grateful to be crammed together into a hotel room, all for the purpose of getting to see you when it is convenient for you during the trip. They appear miserable to you, and...you conclude that this is the way they are all the time? Is that right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So let me get this straight, OP. You swept in, paid for a hotel, and assume that the sister and her family are super grateful to be crammed together into a hotel room, all for the purpose of getting to see you when it is convenient for you during the trip. They appear miserable to you, and...you conclude that this is the way they are all the time? Is that right?

Did OP force them to travel to her with a gun to their heads? Sister and family could’ve declined the generous offer.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe the cluelessness of the post and most of the reactions to it. Sister is trying to support a family alone on $20K a year and OP wonders why there is not more joy and smiling? Are you kidding? Every minute of every day is a struggle when you are poor. And dependent on the charity of your more fortunate but very judgmental sibling.

[Anonymous]

OP, make sure your sister is aware of the new expanded child tax credit. If she's filed before, she could begin receiving checks next month. If she's a non-filer due to low income, she might not be aware of this new benefit and that she needs to be in the system to get this cash refund. If she has 2 kids under 17, this would be $3,000 per child to her next spring. Here is more info:

https://www.whitehouse.gov/child-tax-credit/

And the non-filers' portal is here:

https://www.whitehouse.gov/child-tax-credit/sign-up/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to enjoy life when you barely have enough money to live OP.

+1. Tell her the money was a gift and move on. Be kind. You'd be amazed at how much happier everyone is when they aren't impoverished. If you haven't been there it is quite impossible to understand the effect it has on you.

If you can help with a job or other opportunity to help break the cycle that would go a long way to changing the trajectory of their lives and their happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So let me get this straight, OP. You swept in, paid for a hotel, and assume that the sister and her family are super grateful to be crammed together into a hotel room, all for the purpose of getting to see you when it is convenient for you during the trip. They appear miserable to you, and...you conclude that this is the way they are all the time? Is that right?

Did OP force them to travel to her with a gun to their heads? Sister and family could’ve declined the generous offer.

Could they really, though? They are poor. They probably receive other help from the wealthy sister. I am sure it is very difficult to be the poor sibling and have to accept help from such a condescending, judgemental person as the OP. Perhaps they poor sister doesn't want to spend time with her judgy older sis, but knows that ultimately she needs to avoid burning bridges for the sake of her family. There is a lot more going on here and a lot more at stake than just accepting a free hotel room for the weekend.

[Anonymous]

OP, hang in there for your sister if you can. You are right that you can not solve her problems for her but your support and love is needed. You’ve already lent her money and, while this was very kind, you should not feel responsible for fixing her financial situation.

Be there to listen when you can. The fact that you were not aware how bad her situation is shows me this is something she is ashamed of and feels guilty burdening you with. I would keep trying to talk to her one on one and encourage her to pursue things that might lift her up from her current situation. Sheis likely exhausted by stress, but if she does start to consider a career change, support her in doing this. Don’t try to fix her life but be support her and be her cheerleader when she makes positive moves, even small ones.

People’s lives can and do turn around. If her daughters are able to become more self sufficient she may have more time to focus on herself. In the meantime, be there for her but not to the serious detriment of your own well being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So let me get this straight, OP. You swept in, paid for a hotel, and assume that the sister and her family are super grateful to be crammed together into a hotel room, all for the purpose of getting to see you when it is convenient for you during the trip. They appear miserable to you, and...you conclude that this is the way they are all the time? Is that right?

Did OP force them to travel to her with a gun to their heads? Sister and family could’ve declined the generous offer.

Could they really, though? They are poor. They probably receive other help from the wealthy sister. I am sure it is very difficult to be the poor sibling and have to accept help from such a condescending, judgemental person as the OP. Perhaps they poor sister doesn't want to spend time with her judgy older sis, but knows that ultimately she needs to avoid burning bridges for the sake of her family. There is a lot more going on here and a lot more at stake than just accepting a free hotel room for the weekend.

We tell people on here all the time that no is a full sentence. Also applies in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So let me get this straight, OP. You swept in, paid for a hotel, and assume that the sister and her family are super grateful to be crammed together into a hotel room, all for the purpose of getting to see you when it is convenient for you during the trip. They appear miserable to you, and...you conclude that this is the way they are all the time? Is that right?

Did OP force them to travel to her with a gun to their heads? Sister and family could’ve declined the generous offer.

Could they really, though? They are poor. They probably receive other help from the wealthy sister. I am sure it is very difficult to be the poor sibling and have to accept help from such a condescending, judgemental person as the OP. Perhaps they poor sister doesn't want to spend time with her judgy older sis, but knows that ultimately she needs to avoid burning bridges for the sake of her family. There is a lot more going on here and a lot more at stake than just accepting a free hotel room for the weekend.

Where exactly was I judging them? Please, tell me, I would love to know. I said not ONE WORD about blaming her or acting like she should’ve been more grateful. I didn’t expect a thing back nor did I say I couldn’t understand why they were miserable. OF COURSE I understand why. I am sad and wondering what I can do for them, besides just being there. And yes, I never forced her to come up. She offered to take vacation time and come up to see me since we haven’t seen each other in years. I did not pay for a small room for them; we each had suites and they all had their own beds. This wasn’t some luxury hotel, it was an Embassy Suites with plenty of room for all of us. I’m sorry I didn’t provide each and every detail but as usual, DCUMers have to see an OP as always in the wrong. Thanks to those who offered supportive and sympathetic comments. I appreciate them.