Gender Disappointment- looking for proactive ways to get over it

[Anonymous]

I feel like pregnancy hormones are behind some of the over the top reactions one wouldn't normally have. In my first pregnancy I was hoping for a boy, found out it was a boy, and immediately felt pangs of sadness because what if I never had a girl. 2nd pregnancy I was hoping for another boy because little boys growing up as brothers would be so cute. It was a girl and I felt down about that for a few days. By 3rd baby I didn't care. Looking back I can't account for why I had those immediate feelings but they happened, and the disappointment/sadness quickly faded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is everyone assuming op wanted a girl but is having a boy?

Yup

[Anonymous]

I was disappointed my second was a baby boy. 2.5 years later and I’m obsessed with absolutely everything he does. I love how he fills his pockets with rocks, is crazy about construction vehicles and is just so cute to dress up. My dd can be dressed really cute but my son will get all the compliments. It’s just easier to make boys look cute in clothes. He puts on overalls or a button down shirt and it’s cute. My favorite is how much he reminds me of Dh.

[Anonymous]

OP get over it.

I have zero empathy for this subject.

Before having children you did understand the stats about how children are conceived right?

UGH....

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the posters telling you that you shouldn't feel this way. Our feelings and reactions to stuff like this are the result of lots of factors beyond your control.

I actually found it helpful to think about that when I was learning my baby's sex. Like a PP, I was convinced I was having a boy (I honestly don't know why) and was stunned when they told me my baby was a girl. I wouldn't say I was disappointed, but I was shocked by how much it seemed to impact how I felt. I have a complex relationship with my own mom, and I think I was nervous to recreate that dynamic with a daughter. I think it was easier for me to think about having a boy early in my pregnancy, because that felt like a fresher start, a different situation that would be easier to make my own instead of repeating old patterns.

But talking through it and recognizing that my hopes and expectations were based on stuff from my childhood helped me, because it reminded me that my feelings had nothing to to do with my actual baby. I was not surprised or sad or disappointed in my baby, I was just wrestling with some stuff in my own life. And the truth is, I was going to wrestle with that stuff no matter what my baby's sex was. I wound up journaling about it a bit, and making a list of the things I was worried about now that I knew my baby was a girl. I also went to therapy and talked through my issues with my mom, and made some concrete decisions about how much my mom was going to be around for the birth and early days in order to give me space to create the loving and respectful dynamic I still have with my daughter today (she's 4).

So that's what I would suggest to you. I think it's good you are acknowledging your disappointment -- that's healthier than just burying it or ignoring it. I would dig into where the disappointment is coming from, what fears might have been hiding underneath your hope that are now being exposed. Then deal with them. We all bring baggage into parenthood. Learning to process it and deal with it in a mature, productive way is one of the healthiest things you can do. You are getting an early start. Your baby is lucky for it.

And to those saying that this isn't grief, know that for me, I discovered it was grief, just somewhat misplaced. Essentially, I was grieving the positive, supportive relationship with my mother that I never had. It's not that I was grieving my baby -- it really had very little to do with my baby. I was grieving part of my own life. That was real and it mattered. Give OP space to do the same. I am sorry for anyone who is dealing with grief, hardship, or disappointment. I hope you get the support you need to get through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP get over it.

I have zero empathy for this subject.

Before having children you did understand the stats about how children are conceived right?

UGH....

Wow, so helpful. Why even bother posting a reply if you’re going to be a jerk?
People are allowed to be disappointed and work through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just let myself be sad! And if somebody doesn’t think that is proactive, I disagree. Giving yourself permission to grieve is not easy and really important.

And I absolutely adore my boy. Oh my goodness he is the light of my life. Gender disappointment didn’t impact anything.

This was the same for me. Now that he’s a toddler I can’t even imagine having a girl and if I had a second, I’d want another boy![/quote

Don't set yourself up for another disappointment! Just love the kid you have and the future kid you might have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just found our our babys sex and I am very disappointed. I do not want to feel like this! Im wondering if any others who have experienced this have advice on how to get over it? Are there particular things you focused on that helped? What helped you get on board and move on? I legitimately feel like I am grieving a loss- as stupid as that sounds.

I'd be grateful for healthy baby and not whine. I feel sorry for this child because even in the womb it knows you wanted another gender. My parents wantedanother boy do I was a disappointment the moment I entered the world and I always knew it even though they never said a word.

Maybe get some therapy and stop projecting your crap on OP. The fact that OP is asking for how to help her adjust makes her NOT your parents.

OP needs a good dose of reality and to stop her self pity. She is disgusting and you need to shut up your stupid comments. Both of you are disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just found our our babys sex and I am very disappointed. I do not want to feel like this! Im wondering if any others who have experienced this have advice on how to get over it? Are there particular things you focused on that helped? What helped you get on board and move on? I legitimately feel like I am grieving a loss- as stupid as that sounds.

I'd be grateful for healthy baby and not whine. I feel sorry for this child because even in the womb it knows you wanted another gender. My parents wantedanother boy do I was a disappointment the moment I entered the world and I always knew it even though they never said a word.

Maybe get some therapy and stop projecting your crap on OP. The fact that OP is asking for how to help her adjust makes her NOT your parents.

OP needs a good dose of reality and to stop her self pity. She is disgusting and you need to shut up your stupid comments. Both of you are disgusting.

DP you clearly have some damage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just found our our babys sex and I am very disappointed. I do not want to feel like this! Im wondering if any others who have experienced this have advice on how to get over it? Are there particular things you focused on that helped? What helped you get on board and move on? I legitimately feel like I am grieving a loss- as stupid as that sounds.

I'd be grateful for healthy baby and not whine. I feel sorry for this child because even in the womb it knows you wanted another gender. My parents wantedanother boy do I was a disappointment the moment I entered the world and I always knew it even though they never said a word.

Maybe get some therapy and stop projecting your crap on OP. The fact that OP is asking for how to help her adjust makes her NOT your parents.

OP needs a good dose of reality and to stop her self pity. She is disgusting and you need to shut up your stupid comments. Both of you are disgusting.

...You went onto a board for expectant and postpartum mothers to call people disgusting not only for asking for support, but for giving it. You are very disturbed.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the rude posters. You’re entitled to feel the way you want.

I only wanted boys. I was worried I would have a girl. I was relieved when both were boys. I would have loved my child regardless of their gender, but I was not wrong in hoping for boys.

[Anonymous]

Why were comments removed from this post?

[Anonymous]

Guy I know with four boys desperately wanted to be “dad to a girl” guy. Fifth kid was a boy too.

[Anonymous]

I was disappointed too when I found out I was having a boy, yet again. But toward the end of my pregnancy I was so tired I just wanted him out! The second he was born all disappointment was gone. It’s not like you can do anything about it. All those negative feelings go away because you will be focused on this little baby.

[Anonymous]

Find someone equally disappointed with the opposite gender, and arrange a switch. What could possibly go wrong?